Title: The Closest Thing to Closure
Author: AccordingToMel
Summary: "Here's the report you asked for," Hodgins says quietly, placing the file on the end of her desk and quickly making his way back towards the door. But he's not fast enough for Cam. "Hodgins, can I talk to you for a second?" she asks, looking up at him as she takes hold of the file.
Pairings: Cam/Hodgins friendship; hints of Cadgins
Rating: T (PG-13)
Spoilers: "Aliens in a Spaceship" and "Hero in the Hold" specifically. There's nothing super revealing, but you still might not want to read if you haven't seen these episodes.
Word Count: 2,802
Disclaimer: Oh the fun I would have if these guys were mine. Unfortunately they're not.
Author's note: So this is another story that I'd started like 2 weeks ago and only got around to finishing now. Hence the great influx of fanfic this past week! Also, I stole the title from a wonderful song by the metal band Haste the Day, for those curious.
Anyway, this one is a little darker then my last one, but I like to mix things up a bit. Plus, I think the nature of dealing with the Gravedigger storyline calls for it. By the way, this one is supposed to take place right after HitH. Anyway, let me know what you think! Thanks for reading :).
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The Closest Thing to Closure
Hodgins is tired – physically, mentally and emotionally. This whole Gravedigger case has worn him down completely and for the first time in a very long time he is absolutely spent. So when he goes to drop off a file on Cam's desk, he assumes that she's already left and he can finally go home and sleep, allowing him the chance to attempt to rebury this nightmare. This hope is quickly destroyed, however, when he notices that she is still, in fact, working diligently at her desk.
"Here's the report you asked for," Hodgins says quietly, placing the file on the end of her desk and quickly making his way back towards the door.
But he's not fast enough for Cam. "Hodgins, can I talk to you for a second?" she asks, looking up at him as she takes hold of the file.
Talk…talk. The last thing he wants to do right now is talk. He's talked out. Talked out from Sweets trying to arrange therapy for him, talked out from Brennan tearing him down another peg, talked out from Angela attempting to be supportive but not really helping and he honestly just does not have the energy to take another verbal lashing from his boss.
But what is he supposed to say? He has no answer to that. So he says what he should say. It's been a while since he's done that. "What about?"
Cam stares pointedly at him. "I think you know."
Hodgins doesn't even bother hiding the huge sigh that escapes past his lips. "Okay. You're right. But can we please save this conversation for tomorrow?" he tries, hoping against hope that they don't need to do this now.
"It won't take long, I promise," she assures him. Somehow he doesn't find it all that reassuring. In fact, a part of him wonders if she's going to fire him on the spot. It's not like he hasn't been in a similar situation before.
"All right," he relinquishes, because really, what other choice does he have?
Hodgins goes to take a seat on her couch as Cam makes her way over to where he is sitting.
"Look," Cam begins, sitting down on a chair perpendicular to him on the couch. "We sort of got off to a rocky start when I first accepted the position here a couple years ago."
Hodgins nods, brain automatically travelling back two years ago to when they had first met. He's not sure where she's going with this or why that has any relevance to the situation at hand, but he definitely remembers. "I called you a wank tard," he says after a moment. Normally he wouldn't bring up something so incriminating, but he hasn't really been thinking clearly for the past little while.
Cam can't keep the smile off of her face and she lets out a little chuckle in spite of herself. It wasn't the most flattering thing to hear at the time, but looking back on it she finds the whole thing amusing. "I remember," she tells him.
She pauses until he meets her gaze. "Even up until several months ago things haven't exactly been smooth sailing between us."
Hodgins nods, acknowledging that this is true. Though in all honesty he's really come to both like and respect Cam.
"I guess you're probably wondering what this has to do with anything," Cam says with a half smile.
He glances up at her sullenly, nodding. "Kind of, yeah."
Cam folds her hands and leans forward slightly. "I guess I've been thinking that after the Gravedigger first kidnapped you," she pauses to make sure he's okay. When he looks at her expectantly, she carries on. "I did my job as your boss. I didn't really know you at the time and so I assumed that you would need a few days off and then be able to come back to work. Which you did."
Hodgins raises both eyebrows curiously but says nothing.
She takes this as a sign that she should continue. "You took one day and then returned to work. You continued to do your job like you always had before, and I was satisfied as your boss because you were performing as you should have been. It was like nothing had even happened. And as your boss I had no reason for concern, seeing as how there was no evidence that there was anything going on."
Hodgins gets the sense that she's almost reached the point of her story, and he really wants to go home and not talk about this anymore. So he tries to hurry her up in the politest way possible. "So what's your point?" he hears himself ask. Hodgins is pretty sure that the question sounded a lot better in his head.
"My point," Cam begins, sounding completely unfazed by his comment, "is that I was acting as a boss only, and not as a friend. I only saw what I wanted to see, and that was an employee who was performing his job to the best of his ability."
Hodgins shakes his head. "But you are my boss. No one would have expected you to act any differently," he tells her.
"But I'm also your friend," Cam points out, reaching up to gently touch his arm. He is a little surprised by the comment and immediately meets her gaze. He's pretty sure that he's never actually referred to Cam as his friend, but she's right – it took them a while, but he does consider her a friend now, and he's glad to know that she feels the same. "And maybe as your friend I should have recognized the kind of impact this would have had on you back then. And the kind of impact it would have had on you throughout this case."
Hodgins shrugs, not sure what to say to her. No one could really understand what he went through, except Brennan. But she wasn't exactly the talk-about-your-feelings type, so Hodgins had always felt a bit alone. He had been honest with Angela, but he'd so quickly pushed the incident from his mind at the time that he'd probably even convinced himself that he had dealt with everything properly. Clearly that was not the case.
"Let me ask you something," Cam begins suddenly, switching gears entirely. "Do I have reason to be worried?"
Hodgins isn't quite sure what she means. "Worried? Like about me, or for me?"
"Both."
Hodgins sighs again, rubbing his face with his hand. "I don't know. You tell me."
"You stole crime scene evidence."
Hodgins stares at her blankly. "If I hadn't, we might never have caught the Gravedigger."
"You committed a felony."
"Only to save Booth," he exclaims, starting to feel a bit annoyed. "We didn't have any other choice."
Hodgins is frowning now, but Cam presses on all the same. "But if the Gravedigger hadn't demanded the evidence be returned to her, you would have kept it."
"Only because we obviously couldn't trust the FBI to solve the case on their own. I'm amazed the file even remained open," he states, throwing his hands out in front of him in frustration. He doesn't know what on earth Cam is trying to do, but he is steadily growing more and more tired of it.
She nods, almost imperceptibly, but pushes forward to make her last point. "You threatened to kill another human being."
Hodgins glares at her. He is fully pissed off now. "Wouldn't you have, Cam?" he demands angrily. "Do you have any idea what that monster put me through?"
He buries his head in his hands, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his legs. Hodgins can feel himself losing control – losing the delicate control he's managed to maintain for the last 24 hours – and he tries desperately to regain that back before it's gone and he's reduced to a mess. This is not the time or the place for a meltdown. He held it together during the investigation. He held it together during Sweets' near interrogation. He held it together as Brennan reamed him out once more. He held it together during his conversation with Angela. But he's running low on stamina and energy and strength right now and he doesn't know how much longer he can hold on for.
Worst of all, Cam is being so damn sensitive and understanding about the whole thing. She should be yelling and telling him that he'd be lucky to still have a job, if that's even the case. But instead she is simply watching him now, offering silent support…almost as if she's just waiting for him to break. But he is determined not to let that happen. He's been strong this long; he can handle holding on a little longer.
Standing – because she's just too close for him right now – Hodgins walks towards Cam's desk and leans his palms against its cool surface, keeping his back turned to her. "I thought I'd put the whole thing behind me," he admits, keeping his voice low in spite of the fact that they are likely the only ones in the building. "I assumed that with Brennan involved, Booth would ensure that the case was being followed up with."
Cam doesn't say anything, but he knows that she's listening to him. Waiting for him to continue.
"But the case clearly wasn't being followed. Nothing had been done in months." He clenches his hands, almost unconsciously. "And so I took the evidence that I knew was our best clue to finding this sick son of a bitch, because I'd be damned if they expected us to just sit back and wait for enough time to pass so the FBI could write it off as another cold case and move on." Hodgins can feel himself wavering just a bit; can feel the emotions pounding in the back of his skull.
"I just…wanted closure. A final ending to this nightmare," he shares, voice barely above a whisper now.
"I'm just so tired…I'm exhausted…but I don't even know if I'll be able to sleep tonight. Because all those old feelings and fears are rushing back like a flood and I feel absolutely and inexplicably overwhelmed. Like I'm going to drown in my own thoughts." Hodgins is rambling now, and he knows it. But the figurative floodgates have opened and he knows that he won't be able to stop them until it's all been allowed to spill out. "And I know that I'm basically the reason that Booth almost died, and while Booth isn't holding it against me, Dr. Brennan clearly is. Sweets lectured me and then offered his assistance in dealing with my 'psychological trauma'. Angela also tried talking to me but I just couldn't deal with that because the Gravedigger is who ironically brought us together in the first place. And it was all just too much…"
He trails off, head down, feeling spent. His emotional dam had broken before his eyes and it's all he can do to keep from collapsing on the floor into a sobbing mess.
Suddenly he feels a hand come to rest on his shoulder and he jumps a little at the unexpected contact. But she leaves it there until he finally turns to look at her with sorrow filled eyes. "I'm sorry Hodgins," is all she says, empathy radiating from every pore in her body. But it's enough. More than enough for him right now.
Before either of them have even really had the chance to process what's going on, Hodgins feels Cam's arms wrap his neck, pulling him into a hug. And all he can do is bring his arms around her waist, hugging her back, as tears begin to silently stream down his face. And even though this moment in time is so warped – so surreal and far from the reality he knows – he can't help but also feel like things couldn't be more right, somehow.
"Are you going to fire me?" he finds himself asking as they finally pull apart. Hodgins wipes at his face in an attempt to erase the evidence of his tears. But he is surprisingly accepting of his own semi-breakdown. And he's not sure if it's the lack of sleep or his emotional state, but he feels comfortable enough just to be – whatever that means – in Cam's presence. This was a scene in his life that he never imagined playing out, but he is incredibly grateful that he had Cam's support all the same.
Cam stares at him for a moment before chuckling lightly at his question. "Do you think I should?" she asks him.
"No," he admits, shaking his head. "No I don't."
"And why is that?" she questions with a raised brow.
Hodgins blinks, suddenly realizing that she's testing him. Which means that she already has an answer, but wants to ensure that he understands why she reached her decision.
"Because I'm excellent at my job. I have passion and drive and I care about what I'm doing and the people I'm helping," he begins, feeling like he needs to convince himself as much as he needs to convince Cam. But it's not enough yet. She requires more of him; expects more. And he does not want to disappoint.
"Also because while I still believe the FBI is incompetent-" She shoots him an unimpressed look, complete with widened eyes and raised brows, that almost makes him want to laugh. But he doesn't. And decides that maybe it's too early for joking still. "I recognize that what I did was wrong, and it won't happen again," he finishes.
Cam nods, her lips curling up into the faintest of smiles. "Anything else?"
Hodgins reaches up to scratch his head, leaving his hand in his hair for a moment before allowing his arm to drop back down to his side. "Sweets offered to see me weekly for counselling in order to help me deal with – what he calls – my post traumatic stress over the original kidnapping. And I agreed, not just because I knew you'd make me anyway, but because I want help with this." And with that, he nods at her in a way that signifies that he is finished now.
Cam reaches up to scratch her chin, regarding him thoughtfully for a few seconds before speaking. "Do you need any time off?"
"One day. To sleep. If I can. Then I'll be good to go," Hodgins tells her with an eager expression. But he braces himself for the suspension he knows is coming. He just prays that it's not too long. It's not that he needs the money, but he loves the work.
"And when is your first session with Dr. Sweets?" she asks in an attempt to both clarify and confirm that he had, in fact, made those arrangements.
"Next Monday," Hodgins responds without hesitation.
Cam looks at him for a moment, studying him, before nodding. "Okay then. Take a day and we'll see you back here in a couple days."
Hodgins opens his mouth to protest until he realizes exactly what she's said. "See me in two days?" he manages to spit out instead.
Cam just looks at him. "Yes."
"So, wait. That's it? There are no repercussions for my actions?" Hodgins asks in shock, eyes widening slightly.
"I think it's safe to say that you've been punished enough by this whole ordeal," Cam tells him with a pained smile.
"But I broke the law," Hodgins exclaims, immediately wishing his brain was able to still process what he was thinking before he spoke.
Cam nods. "You did. And I can't guarantee that I can stop the FBI from pressing charges. But I'll do what I can. Besides…they have more important matters to be taking care of at the moment."
Hodgins just shakes his head incredulously, dumfounded by what he's hearing. He knew that he'd screwed up royally and was prepared to deal with the consequences. But this went far beyond what he ever could have hoped for.
"But this is it Dr. Hodgins," Cam warns him, pointing her finger at his chest. "Your one free pass. Another screw up like this and I won't be able bail you out."
Hodgins nods sincerely, allowing the ghost of a smile to cross his lips for the first time this evening. "Thank you," he tells her honestly, voice filled with emotion. "I won't let you down."
And before he can talk himself out of it, he leans in and gently kisses Cam on the cheek. He is more grateful to her than she could ever possibly know. And if she is shocked by this gesture on his part, she doesn't let it show. Reaching up, Cam squeezes his arm lightly as he finally heads out of her office and out of the Jeffersonian.