Ok, now i don't own any of the characters in this story, if i did i would be living in a big fancy mansion instead of writing fanfictions that make me laugh (and i hope you too!) I had a lot of fun writing this so i hope you have just as much fun reading it!
THE APPRENTICE: ARTEMIS FOWL EDITION
(Theme song plays…) MONEY MONEY MONEY! MOOOOney!...
Artemis: Welcome everyone to my television program. I have been through an extensive list of candidates and have decided the following people will be on my show…
Captain Holly Short of….the military….
Foaly…there is a big smudge on this paper….
Foaly: (laughs off screen)
Holly: (hits Foaly) SHHH!
Artemis: Ahem….sorry people...anyway, the people who will be on this television program….
Mulch Diggums…the ummm…special person….
Julius Root…again in the military…
Julius: What is he doing here! (points at Mulch) What am I doing here! I'm dead!
Holly: Wow! You're alive! (Gives Root big hug)
Julius: Get off!
Mulch: Shut up!
Julius: How dare you convict!
Mulch: Oh ouch that hurts but you see…I am not a convict any more…I AM FREE!
Holly: SHHH!
Artemis: AHEM! Butler will you make them shut their mouths and let me speak!
Butler: (takes out Sig Saur and shoots into the air twice) I think they will be quiet now.
All: (silence)
Artemis: Okay…next we have…a Chix Verbil (he looked on recon's system for officer names.)
Holly: NOOO!
Chix: Holly!
Holly: (grabs commander's shoulders and shakes him) KILL ME NOW!
Butler: (fires two more shots into ceiling)
All: silence
Artemis: Now I am going to hurry up with these names so I can finish before the show ends! We have, Trouble Kelp, Grub Kelp, wow, what interesting names, --'…
Holly: Trouble's is fine but please tell me you didn't say…
Grub: I am suing the owner of this place, I nearly tripped in the doorway, and they don't have any snack machines…
Holly: (Bangs head on table)
Artemis: AND we have…oh you must be joking…Opal Koboi…
All: WHAT!
Artemis: Don't blame me blame the writer!
Me:(Runs away)
Artemis: Well this was extremely wonderful…I hope this doesn't end up like Martha's Apprentice attempt…We will be split into teams and the teams are as follows….
Team 1
Holly Short
Opal Koboi
Foaly…There is another smudge!
And Chix Verbil…
Holly: NOOO!
Chix: makes kissy faces
Holly: Gags
Artemis: Ahem…
Team 2:
Mulch Diggums
Julius Root
Grub Kelp
And Trouble Kelp.
Root: Oh great…I am with the convict!
Mulch: And I am not a convict! So get used to it!
Root: snorts
Artemis: Will the teams get together and decide on a team name already!
Holly: Geez you don't have to be so mean about it!
Artemis: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR…(regains composure)…ok…let me explain the rules, I, Juliet and Butler…
Juliet: (waves at camera)
Artemis: Ahem…will be judging your progress through the challenge…
Chix: What! You mean we are on television! (writes phone number on a card and sticks it in camera lens) Call me!
Holly: (bangs head on table) AHHH!
Artemis: Get in your groups and name yourselves!
(Team 1's room)
Holly: (sitting as far away from Chix as possible)
Chix: (sits as close to Holly as possible)
Foaly: Okay let's bring this meeting in order…
Opal: I want to be captain!
Foaly: Does it really matter?
Opal: it mattered in high school!
Foaly: OH! No you didn't!
Opal: Oh, yes I did! I won the science fair! Ha! Ha HA!
Foaly: Oh! But I am not in jail so HA HA!
Opal: I am here because I need exercise after a few years in the psycho-ward
(knock on door)
Holly: I'll get it! (opens door because wants to get away from the ever closer, Chix)
Artemis: (comes in) We had a last minute entry…
Harry Potter: Hi! (looks at elves, pixie and centaur) Wow I feel tall! (turns around and sees Butler) Andnow I feel short again…
Holly: Hi!
Harry: Wow, it can talk!
Holly: grr… (strongly dislikes Harry)
Chix: (Gives up on Holly and moves on to Opal) Hey what are you doing for dinner?
Opal: The nice man in the white coat gives it to me in a tube!
Chix: Err...alright...(is disgusted and moves back to Holly)
Foaly: Ok what should we name the team?
Harry: "Magically Menacing"!
Holly: "Chix-b-gone"!
Chix: I like that, but I think that "Short and Sexy" is better…
Holly: YOU LITTLE PERV! (Whacks Chix with mallet)
Foaly: I think let's go with Harry's…cause no one else has any ideas…
Opal: I have an idea! How about "Opal's Angels"?
All: Ummmm…
(Team 2)
Julius: Alright let's get this over with…
Grub: I hate everything I am telling mommy you won't let me pick the name!
Trouble: Will you shut up!
Grub: Oh! I am telling mommy on you!
Trouble: Oh please!
Julius: DO we have a name yet? (Notices Mulch stealing stuff ) HEY!
Mulch: What can I say? I am what I am.
Julius: GRRR…
Grub: What are we supposed to do? If I don't win this thing I am going to sue Artemis for every penny he's worth…
Trouble: Yeah, right. You couldn't tell a lawyer from a pumpkin…
Grub: You mean he didn't have a skin condition?
Trouble: Oh my gosh! You are the most annoying brother on or under this earth!
Grub: (Begins to cry)
Julius: Does anybody have a name?
Mulch: I do! Evil-con-evil
Julius: What…!
(knock on door)
Mulch: I got it. (opens door and steals doorknob in process)
Artemis: we got another last minute entry…meet Hermione Granger.
Hermione: Hello…eww what in heavens name is that! (points at Mulch)
Mulch: (raises hand to make rude gesture and all the things he stole fell out of pockets, and other places) Oops…
Julius: (turns red/purple) CONVICT!
Artemis: Do we have a name?
Mulch: Evil-con-Evil!
All: WHAT?
Artemis: okay…
All: (get up to strangle Mulch)
(back in special room)
Artemis: Well we have are two teams, Magical Menaces and Evil-con-Evil. Wow you people are extremely bad at making up names…I am expecting a third person from your realm I presume? (is talking to Harry and Hermione)
Hermione: Errr…not quite…you see Ron had a little accident…
Harry: "Little"! He blew up Hogwarts because he found a spider's nest in it!
Hermione: (sadly shakes head) Those spiders never had a chance…
Artemis: Oh…well, report here for your first task tomorrow at nine o' clock, on time if you will.
Grub: NO! I sleep till ten o' clock then mommy wakes me up and…
Julius: Shut up! I slept for an extremely long time…seeing as I was dead, which I still don't understand at all…
Butler: Here. Tomorrow. Nine o' clock.
All: nod
This is only my second fanfic! check out my first Fowl Days by me! Next chappie will have the first task, let's see how they do...