Chapter 1:
April 17, 2008
"Masquerading as a man with a reason. My charade is the event of the season. And if I claim to be a wise man, well it surely means that I don't know."
Everything is a blur to me now. Days and nights bleed into each other as I move from town to town following what feels like a cold dead end trail. I don't even know how it got to this point. I lost everything: my wife, my son, and my brother, everything that ever meant a damn to me.
My life did a 180 with just two words spoken eleven months ago. I wasn't expecting it; hell it threw me for one hell of a loop. After the initial shock wore off, I was happy, yeah that's right, I was happy. I was living that apple pie life that I thought I would never have and I thought I didn't even want until it fell into my lap. I was a civilian working nine to five as a mechanic, I mowed the lawn every Saturday and every spare moment was spent with Lexi and Jacob.
The first time I held Jake, I finally understood why my father did the things he did. I never thought I could love someone as much as I loved my son. It killed me a little more each day knowing my time was running out, knowing I would never hear him call me "Dad" and that I wouldn't live to see him take his first steps. I was gonna miss out on everything.
Maybe I'm selfish for having a kid now but Jake's the best thing that's ever happened to me aside from Lexi. At least I can leave one good thing behind before my payment becomes due. Now, I'm alone. Lexi and Jake are gone. Sam, well, Sam's not the Sam I know anymore. I have no one to blame but myself. The only thing I have left is my revenge and now I'm at a crossroads having to choose which way to go.
11 months ago
May 6, 2007The Broadway Diner
I watched Lexi fidget across from me in the cracked vinyl purple booth. I could tell she was nervous; she was unusually quiet chewing on her bottom lip looking everywhere but at me. At the moment, I wished I had that nifty Jedi mind trick that she had so I could know what was going on in her head. I had an idea, but I kept reminding myself that demons lie. I glanced around the crowded diner, my stomach tightened and twisted in knots with the realization that the yellow-eyed demon could have very well been telling the truth. After all, Lexi was the one that suggested we come here without Sam when we all should be celebrating the fact that I just wasted the bastard that killed both our mothers.
"So Lex, you wanted to talk?"
She finally looked at me, her green eyes locked on mine as her fingers twisted the leather string holding the protection charm that I gave her so long ago, "Yeah….."
"Well, what is it? You're not leaving me again are you?" I laughed nervously.
Lexi shook her head not dropping her gaze, and speaking so softly I had to strain to hear her, "I'm pregnant."
My mouth suddenly went dry, the contents of my stomach lurching up into my throat, her words echoing through my head. I grabbed the glass of ice water that was sitting on the table and drained the entire cup before speaking. "Wh-what….did you just say? Did you say you're pregnant?"
"Yeah Dean, I'm pregnant."
I didn't know what to say or think. I never thought I would hear those words uttered to me. I rubbed my forehead trying to clear all the noise out of my brain. I couldn't think straight, there was all this confusion inside my head and I couldn't help wondering, 'Why now?'
I looked across the table at Lexi, her nervousness now replaced with what looked like fear and disappointment. For the first time in my life I was at a loss for words, I didn't know what to say. I let out a shaky breath while rubbing the back of my neck, "Wow…..how um….how far are you?"
"Almost three months I think."
Sighing, I buried my head in my hands. This couldn't be happening. It just couldn't. Not now, not when I only have a year to live. And now, now I have to tell Lexi that I'm not going to be around for our kid.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" I mumbled weakly from behind my hands.
"I just found out last week. I was waiting for the right time to tell you. I was going to tell you once Sam went to bed the night that he and I disappeared from the diner, but then with everything that happened afterwards……" she trailed off biting her lower lip.
"You should've told me sooner." I snapped slamming my hand on the table, "Then maybe I….."
"Dean, what? You would've what?"
"It's not important." I whispered flashing her my best smile, "Now, where the hell are we going to put a car seat in the Impala?"
"Dean," she laughed shakily, "does this mean you're okay with this? I mean you're not exactly the warm and fuzzy Daddy type."
I reached across the table taking both of Lexi's hands in mine squeezing them gently, "Yeah, I'm scared shitless, but I'm okay with it."
Satellite MotelAn Hour Later
"You okay, Lex?" I asked throwing my coat and car keys on the silver couch of the outer space themed room, "You look a little……green."
She forced a small smile at me nodding yes before lying down on the bed. The way her light brown hair fanned out over the green and silver comforter suddenly reminded me of the night of our first date. I smirked slightly as I joined her on the bed, snaking my arms around her and pulling her against me. It was no accident that I rested my hands on her stomach.
"You're not gonna pass out on me are you?"
Lexi leaned back into me her voice soft when she spoke, "No,Dean. You're really okay with all of this?"
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"
She shifted in my arms so that she was now facing me. Her eyes looked doubtful and I could practically see the thoughts that were now running through her head. "Really? You're not just saying that? D, it's okay if you're not. I don't expect anything from you."
"Hey, I wasn't expecting you to tell me I knocked you up but I'm not going anywhere. Lex, I'm not walking away from you or our kid. I swear, so get that outta your head right now. I know I don't say it enough but I love you and I…..I want you to have the baby, okay?"
"Okay." She said softly burying her face in the crook of my arm, "I love you too, Dean."
I rolled us over so I was now on top of her kissing down her throat to her stomach, waiting to hear Lexi's little moans of approval. Instead of the soft moans that I loved to hear she was telling me to stop. I lifted my head up confused, "What? We can't have sex now that you're knocked up?"
Lexi laughed slightly shaking her head, "No, Dean, of course we can. I just don't feel that good is all."
"Oh. Well I know how I can make you feel good." I smirked at her making my way back up so I could kiss her mouth again.
She pulled away bringing her hand up to my face and running her fingers down my cheek, "I bet you do."
I traced her curves leisurely with my fingertips resting them on her hips while I bent down to kiss her again, "I'll take it slow, Lex."
Later that night
I opened my eyes, my hand immediately grasping the handle of my knife that lay under my pillow at the sound of heavy footsteps just outside the door. I listened carefully when the motel door opened, not moving an inch but ready if need be.
"God damn it now the room smells like fucking sex." Sam grumbled as he made his way inside the room tripping over various articles of mine and Lexi's clothing, "Why can't they fuck somewhere else?"
"Why Sammy…you jealous?" I questioned him, sitting up and turning on the oddly-shaped silver lamp beside my bed.
Sam spun around at the sound of my voice, loosing his balance and crashing to the floor with a thud, "Of what? Your five inch dick and your Buffy clone?"
"Five inches? Yeah right……try eight."
"You know every time the subject of your dick comes up you add another inch." Sam huffed before kicking off his shoes and sitting on the adjacent bed, "I've seen it, not all it's cracked up to be Dean."
"Never had any complaints, man."
"That's because they were all drunk and loose." Sam snapped while undressing and shooting me the stink eye for good measure.
I couldn't stop the grin that was pulling at the corners of my mouth. It had become an automatic reflex. Sammy drunk…..priceless. "Sammy, are you drunk?"
"YEAH AND?"
"Sammy." I stated swinging my legs out of the bed when my boxers hit me with full force to the back of my head.
"DUDE I DON'T WANNA SEE YOUR JUNK! PUT YOUR GOD DAMN BOXERS ON."
"Shhhh, Sammy, be quiet you're gonna wake her up." I whispered pulling my boxers on before making my way over to Sam's bed. I stood in front of Sam begging him silently with my eyes which of course only made him get louder.
"Oh heaven FORBID I WAKE THE PRINCESS!! I OUGHTA PUKE ALL OVER YOUR ASS FOR ALL THE TIMES YOU TWO HAVE KEPT ME UP!!"
"Shut up." I snapped sitting next to my annoying and very drunk little brother, "I need to talk to you….."
"About?"
"You're gonna be an Uncle."
"That's great Dean." He answered sarcastically flopping back onto the bed, "Really great!"
"Didn't you hear me, Sam?" I asked poking his side continually, "Lexi's pregnant."
"Yeah I heard you. And being the idiot you are, you were dumb enough to not use a condom. I'm surprised that you didn't give her an STD to boot!"
"SAMMY!" I huffed unbelievingly. He was not supposed to be the prick in this twosome, that was my job, "I'm scared shitless and you're cracking jokes?"
"Well you should've thought of that before you dove in head fucking first! Literatelly!" He snapped rolling onto his side, his back facing me.
"Sammy….."
"Leave me alone Dean. You've been perfectly capable of doing that lately. Just leave me the fuck alone."
"I always took care of you and the onetime that I need you, and you're a total dick about it."
"One time? Try more like thousandths!" Sam hissed, sitting up and glaring at me, "I left my whole damn life behind for you! You figure this one out yourself!"
"Yeah and I gave up my life for you. I got a fucking year to live so that you could have a life. I hope you're at least there for my kid when I'm dead and buried."
"Nobody TOLD you to go be a fucking idiot!" He shook his head his infamous bitch-face firmly in place before lying down and continuing, "You're just that damn selfish!"
I felt my blood begin to boil at the thought of what I would never have and what I was going to miss out on. It wasn't fair, I sacrificed everything my entire life. I wasn't allowed to finish high school or go to college like Sammy did. For some reason, my father thought I would be the better solider and I was for the majority of my life.
I felt my eyes begin to burn and water when I realized that I was really going to miss out on raising my kid. I wasn't gonna be there to hear his or her first words and I wasn't going to be that parent telling their kid that it was going to be okay on the first day of school. I was going to be dead and buried……nothing but a rotting corpse. Sam though, he was going to be able to do all those things with his kids, but not me.
"Go find yourself a girl Sam and get married….have a bunch of kids. You watch them grow up while I rot in the ground and my kid doesn't have his father around. Have a nice life Sam. Go be normal. I never got to have a life Sammy. I never had friends. I didn't get to do anything. I always had to take care of you; it was my job, my life. I never wanted this Sam, any of it. I get six months with my kid and that's it. They won't even remember me. You know what that's like Sammy you don't remember mom."
"Are you crying??"
"No, I'm not a pansy ass like you." I snapped rubbing my eyes with the back of my hand, "You can't tell her Sammy. You can't tell her I only have a year."
I bitterly wiped the tears away with the back of my hand and climbed back into bed with Lexi. I pulled her close to me, burying my face in her hair and all I could think about was how I was going to tell her I fucked everything up again. I knew I couldn't tell her now. She could very well just get up and take off like she did before. Hell, that's what I would do, if that was an option for me. But, I want to spend the last year of my life with her and do the right thing for once. Maybe Sam's right, maybe there is a way out of this deal for me. I'm not going to get my hopes up though, I made my bed and now I have to lie in it.
4 A.M.
The soft click of the motel door woke me up immediately. Thanks to my Hunter senses, it might as well have been the bang of a shotgun being fired. I sat up pulling on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt before heading outside to see why the hell Lexi would be up and about at four a.m. I found her sitting on the curb in my plaid flannel shirt, her legs crossed Indian style and her head in her hands.
"What are you doing?" I asked sitting next to her on the cold concrete.
She jumped suddenly her eyes wide, "You scared me. I thought you were asleep."
"Yeah, well, funny so did I."
"Couldn't sleep." She whispered studying her hands intently, "Long day and all that."
I slipped my arm around her waist, pulling her against me and knowing full well she was holding something back, "We always have long days, Lex. What's wrong?"
"Yeah well you almost died, I was knocked unconscious, I saw Sam murder someone and you killed the demon that killed both of our moms. Yeah, so ya know, sleep's not that easy."
"That guy had it coming to him."
"Yeah." Lexi said softly shifting uncomfortably and running her hands through her hair, "I don't know if I can do this……"
"Do what?"
She glanced at me before dropping her gaze to her hands, then stated quietly, "I'm too young, I'm not…..I'm not ready for this."
"You're pregnant…..we're having a kid…….there's no going back on that."
"I'm twenty three years old. I'm not ready to be someone's mom, Dean."
"You think I'm ready to be someone's father?" I asked her gently as I rubbed her side, "I'm twenty eight, and I wasn't ever planning on having a kid."
"Yeah, you're older. Five years is a big difference. Well technically four years, eleven months and three weeks older. You got to live your life, and I haven't even finished medical school. You're gonna give me what a year, Dean? Maybe two, if I'm lucky, before you take off on me."
"Bullshit! You know what? You don't wanna be with me; you don't wanna have this baby fine! Just get the hell out of here and I'll pretend you never existed! Get the fuck out if you want out! Don't pin this shit on me and try to use me as an out!"
Lexi arched her eyebrow her voice filled with doubt, "You're telling me that you're not gonna ditch me?"
"That's exactly what I'm telling you. I'm not gonna abandon my kid!"
"You're gonna actually be able to NOT stick your dick in anything that moves?"
"I'm not fucking leaving! I dunno what the hell else you want from me." I protested my face turning red as I carefull avoided her question.
"Well you didn't leave last time either, you just fucked around behind my back."
"Fine Lexi. You want to believe I'm going to cheat on you again go ahead. You're not gonna believe anything I say anyways."
"You can't even say it! All you do is bark orders!"
"That's because you never fucking listen!"
"Neither do you!"
"I can't take it back. I can't undo what I did to you back then."
"No 'sorry I ripped your heart out?' No 'sorry I lied to you?'"
"I've said all of that a thousand times!" I said frustrated. I felt like we were having the same argument over and over again. "What? You wanna hear it again? I'm sorry I messed up. I'm sorry I fucked you over. I'm sorry Lexi. I'M SORRY!"
"You really hurt me, Dean. You swore you would never hurt me and you did. And now…..I dunno what to do."
"Yeah well, I fucked up deal with it."
"I'm not Sam!" she snapped shaking her head and glaring at me, "Can't you even act like you care?"
"This is me caring. We're gonna do this."
"Part of me wants to trust you and the other part's telling me to just go." She whispered hanging her head so her long hair hid her face.
I pulled her firmly against me, my free hand reaching up to move her hair off of her cheek while I whispered in her ear, "Go with the part that trusts me."
"It's not that easy for me anymore……especially now. I don't wanna do this alone."
"You're not going to, I'm here." I stated giving her a slight squeeze, "We'll be alright."
"I do want the baby. I'm just….I'm just….."
"Scared? It's okay for you to be scared. I am too." Lexi buried her face against my neck, her tears soaking my t-shirt, "We'll be fine."
"Don't leave me."
"I'm not, I'm right here alright?"
"Promise?"
"I promise." I said nodding my head and slipping my arms tightly around Lexi in an attempt to comfort her, "It's gonna be okay. I'm gonna take care of you."
Lexi stared at me for a moment before running her fingers slowly down my cheek, "You sure you're okay with this?"
"I'm sure."
I stood up, grabbing her hand as I pulled her to her feet and then led her back into our room. "Come on. You need to sleep. You have to start taking better care of yourself you know. We need to get you some of those vitamin things."
"How do you know about all that?" she questioned climbing into bed as I got undressed before getting in next to her.
"Thought it was common knowledge."
"Oh I just didn't think you..."
"I know stuff."
"What would I do without you?" Lexi asked resting her head on my chest while tracing her name that was tattooed on my chest.
"I dunno." I stated simply wrapping my arms around her, "It's late baby, get some sleep."
May 7, 2007 Satellite Motel8 A.M.
"Rise and shine, Sammy!" I yelled in Sam's ear very pleased with myself when he crashed to the floor.
"What the hell Dean?" He groaned looking up at me with anger twisting his features which made me grin even more, "You're a jerk."
"Bitch."
Sam climbed back into his bed pulling the green and silver comforter up to his chin still glaring at me, "Why the hell are you up so early anyway?"
"I'm taking Lex to the doctor." I said simply buttoning up my favorite denim shirt, "We won't be gone long."
"Why are you taking her to the doctor?"
"How drunk were you last night, Sammy?" I asked in disbelief, "I told you she's knocked up. Just going to make sure everything's okay."
"WHAT?"
I turned back to look at Sam before closing the motel room door, "Don't worry Sammy, I'll bring you back a nice greasy egg and pork sandwich smothered in gravy."
"I hate you!"
I smirked laughing as I left the room, "I know you do."
Riverview Medical CenterI was so nervous, it was ridiculous. I felt like I was going to crawl right out of my skin. It was just a blood test to confirm the home pregnancy test that Lexi already took, but I was still antsy. I paced the length of the examine room not able to stand still. I wanted to know if this was really happening. It didn't completely hit home last night when Lex told me she was pregnant……but this……this made it all very real.
"Dean, please stop pacing."
"I can't help it, okay." I said walking back to the examine table she was sitting on, "This is big."
"I know it is….."
Whatever else she was about to say was lost as the doctor walked back into the room. Lexi reached for my hand, interlacing her fingers with mine. I looked down at her, giving her an encouraging smile and squeezed her hand before we both turned our attention to the woman in the white lab coat anxiously waiting for her to speak.
"Well, the test results are back."
"AND?" We both said in unison as Lexi squeezed my hand so tightly it hurt.
"Congratulations are in order…..you're pregnant!"
I thought I was going to freak out when we got the test results back, but I didn't. I smiled. I felt my face break into a huge grin, I was happy, but more to the point I was excited. Lexi really was pregnant and I was going to be someone's dad. I put my arms around her, hugging her and kissing her temple.
Lexi looked up at me before turning her attention to the doctor, a small smile on her lips, "Are you going to do an ultrasound?"
"Yes, right now. I just need you to lie back and be forewarned this gel is going to feel a bit cold."
An Hour later River Edge DinerI felt Lexi's eyes on me from across the booth we were sitting in, I arched my eyebrows as I put down the ultrasound picture that I held in my hand, "What?"
"Are you going to eat or are you just gonna stare at that all day?" She teased between bites of pancakes.
"I….it's just kinda….."
"Amazing." She finished for me reaching out to take the photo that I had placed on the table.
I nodded, sipping my coffee, "It doesn't feel real. I mean it looks like a bean. A really tiny bean."
"D, don't worry the next ultrasound will make it very real for you."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah, you'll get to hear the heartbeat and we can find out the sex."
"It's a boy." I stated simply shoving a mouthful of hash browns in my mouth. "I know it. Winchesters don't make girls."
She laughed kicking me under the table, "Really? And how can you be so sure?"
"I just know. I can feel it in my bones. It's definitely a boy."