It's time. I don't want to lie to her but it's the only to keep her safe. I take her hand in mine and we walk down the trail by her house and into the forest. She stops us in the middle of the woods; where we have had so many adventures and happy times. She smiles up at me and I feel my heart break, for a moment a wonder if I'm doing the right thing, if I should just tell her the truth and we can run away together and live happily ever after. But then reality sets in and the fantasy fades. It's silent for a while, something that she hates.
"Are you OK?" she asks, not being able to stand the quite any longer.
"Not really." I start. "There's something that I have to tell you."
The brightness in her eyes fades a little, as if she knows whats to come, as if she's already aware that what I have to say will change our lives forever.
"You can tell me anything." she smiles "You know that."she says, taking my hands in her dainty ones.
" Your not going to like this and I'm sorry for that, but it has to be said. I can't keep leading you on and pretending." God I am such a fool. I hate it so much that I have to do this, that breaking her heart and mine is the only way to keep her safe...
"Leading me on?...whats that supposed to mean?" She questions, getting more worried and irritated by my vagueness. I take a deep breath, preparing myself for the hardest thing I will ever do in my waste of a life. I look into her eyes one more time...to remember the love I see in them, the happiness and the once was future that we were going to share together. This is it now or never...I have to do this, to keep her safe, I could care less what happens to me as long as she's OK.
"We can't be together, not now or ever." I say harshly. LIE! Says a voice in the back of my head.
"You can't be with me?" she asks in disbelief, not quite aware of the seriousness of the situation...like I'm telling some sick joke.
"I can't and I don't want to be with you." I explain. LIE! The voice calls again. Her grip on my hands tighten.
"What are you talking about!" she demands. "We're together. I love you and I know that you love me. So how can you not be with someone you love!" she cries, a single tear runs down her cheek.
"Because I lied." I say "I lied about everything I've ever said to you. Anything I said I only told you so I could sleep with you. And you believed every word of it...bravo." I say harshly. LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE! The voice screams. She instantly lets go of my hands as if I've burned her. Oh god I am sorry! But it's the only way. I have to be mean or else she'll never let go...and I need her to...for her own safety.
"Why are you doing this?" she asks with sadness in her voice. I feel so bad for putting her in pain but it's for the best, she'll realize that someday...that I'm doing this all for her.
"It has to be done" I say solemnly. I can practically see her heart breaking and it's all my fault. I'm such an idiot and I will probably pay for lying to her one day.
"Fine. Say it then!" she demands.
"Say what" I ask. "there's nothing more to be said" That's not true...I could tell her the truth...that I'm sorry...that I failed her...and that I hope she'll forgive me one day; but I don't say any of this, I just wait.
"Oh really...all through this little declaration of yours you've told me everything but that you don't love me. So say it. Tell me that you don't love me!" she pauses, waiting for me to say what she needs to hear. Her piece of proof if you will that what I'm telling her is actually true. I can't say it though. That's the one thing I can't lie to her about. I can't say that I don't love her when all that I do is because of the love that I have for her.
"Say it!" she yells stepping closer..."Say it!" she cries. Her tears are too much for me to take.
"Tell me that you don't love me!" she pleads grabbing my shirt. "Say it, Say it, Say it!" she begs while hitting my chest.
" I don't" I finally say grabbing her wrists so she won't hit me again, though I deserve it. She pulls away from me slowly as if she can't believe that I actually said it. I didn't though...i didn't tell her that I don't love her, not technically, anyway. I could never speak those words.
"Bella..." I start. Trying to comfort her in some way. Anyway that a could.
" Don't Edward...just don't..." she cries so calmly it's almost eerie. I hated doing this to her. It's all unfair, all the lies and secrets. I thought that if I made her hate me it would be easier, but it's not, it's just as hard. I hate that this is the only way to make her safe, that by me leaving and breaking her heart she'll live.
"I need to leave...i have to go...have a nice life Edward." she says while walking further into the forest, in the opposite direction of her house and away from me. Minutes pass...hours...it's well into the night and still I stand in the same spot where I broke both our hearts.
"Goodbye Bella." I say finally. I probably should of gone after her and begged for forgiveness and told her the real truth or at least escorted her back the her house, so I knew she'd be back safely. But I didn't. I was to caught up replaying what I had just done in my head...hoping that this was only a dream...that I didn't just let the love of my life, the reason for my very existence walk away.