Confessions
Chapter 1
"Half of My Heart"
Hey guys! I'm still working on Running, don't worry, the next chap. should be up soon for that! Anyways, here is the first part of my 3-shot based on the song Half of My Heart by John Mayer. Enjoy!
Sam is 24 and Freddie is 25 in this story.
Disclaimer: yeah yeah yeah. I don't own anything. STOP RUBBING IT IN!
To: .com
From: .com
Freddie,
Long time no see huh? I've saved your email all these years… fu-
Yeah, I'm just gonna say it. This is one of those stupid cliché letter things that tells you about my feelings/life. Yeah yeah yeah. Just read it already.
I was born in the arms of imaginary friends:
I grew up in a home where my parents were hardly ever there. I guess you could say I was born in the arms of imaginary friends.
Free to roam, made a home, out of everywhere I've been.
They were fighting again. Usually I didn't mind it so much. I mean, of course I did a little bit. I was a 9-year-old kid for God's sake! I wanted everything to be happy. But unfortunately, that's not real life. That's not MY life.
Anyway, I couldn't help but overhear them. (Yes, we still lived in the same crappy apartment.) My dad was cheating on my mom. I couldn't take this any longer. I got tired of living. I couldn't stand my life anymore. During that fight, I ran away.
I somehow ended up at Carly's apartment: a place I did not really know. I'd been there once or twice, but we were just too different to coincide. I entered their apartment completely broken. It turned into this whole sleepover thing and we just talked all night. We became closer that night: and it actually made me kinda glad that my home life was so bad. It's kinda sick and twisted, I know. But if that hadn't happened, we would have never met. iCarly would have never been born.
Then you come on crashing in, like the realest thing.
Then you came into my life. I won't lie and say it was love from first sight: but I had always known you were a decent guy. Despite my constant teasing, you got through it all and were still there for me at the end of the day.
Try my best to understand, all that your love can bring.
Soon I realized that I had a crush on you. (I know, I can't believe it either.) But I just didn't know how to get my feelings out I guess. I had basically raised myself: having a mother who was drunk all the time and a father who was never around. Nobody taught me how to get these newfound feelings out, and soon they just became this strangled mess inside of me. I began taking these weird feelings out on you. I never thought I'd say this, but... I'm sorry Frednub. It's even hard just to type out.
Oh, half of my heart's got a grip on the situation. Half of my heart's got time.
Half of my heart had a grip on the situation: half of it just took time. Time spent teasing you and fighting with you because I couldn't get used to these feelings.
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you that I can't keep loving you (can't keep loving you) Oh, with half of my heart.
I was conflicted. Half of my heart seemed to be telling me that I can't keep loving you this way. The other half was saying that it's just who we are.
I was made to believe I'd never love somebody else.
After my dad left for good to go live with his slut of a girlfriend, my home life just kept on getting worse. Eventually, my mother became a drunkard and an addict. She began sleeping with random men day after day. Our apartment became a trash heap. I got tired of my life. I got tired of her. I ran away again. I lost all faith and trust in all people except Carly. (AN Freddie was not around at this time) I guess I was made to believe I'd never love somebody else. I never felt the same kind of affection towards anyone else until you came through the door.
Nobody had ever really seemed to care for me except you. I mean, I guess it just went to my head. Carly's nice and all, but she just doesn't understand me like you seem to. You always are there when I needed you: you still are. I know I tease you constantly, and I don't know how you could ever live through that. At the end of the day though, we do have each other's backs.
Made a plan, stay the man, who can only love himself.
I made a plan. I would put these walls around myself. I would be stronger and tougher than I already was. Nobody would ever know the real me. I didn't want to be hurt in the same way my family was: to fall in love too quickly only to have many peoples' lives fall apart. I wanted to stay the girl that would only love herself.
Lonely was the song I sang; till the day you came.
I wasn't always so aggressive. I mean, I wasn't a fruit cocktail girly-girl like Melanie, but I wasn't always going around beating people up. I still insulted people, but it was all in fun. Kind of like what we do now. Just friendly teasing (most of the time). I was just lonely.
Eventually that sense of not belonging overcame me, and I turned into the monster you see before you today. Nobody ever bothers to remember what I was like before: either they're too hung up on the present or I'm too hung up on the past.
Showing me another way, and all that my love can bring.
You showed me another way. You showed me that it's okay to break down sometimes. And sometimes, I did. You just were not around. Neither was Carly. I kinda held this against you. That's the reason why I had been avoiding you all this time. Why I had been avoiding the real me.
Carly thought I had told her everything about my life that night: and I had told her a lot. But I didn't tell her all I could have. She just can see the first inner layer of me. I just couldn't tell her things that I could not tell and believe myself.
Oh, half of my hearts got a grip on the situation. Half of my heart takes time. Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you that I can't keep loving you (can't keep loving you) oh, with half of my heart. Half of my heart
Part of me knows its right to tell somebody all of this. Part of me knows its right to let my past go. But I'm still having that stupid inner conflict.
Your faith, is strong. But I can only fall short for so long.
I know you believe in me: that you will always be there for me rooting on the sidelines. Your faith is strong. But I can only fall short for so long. I don't want to fall too quickly only to fall hard when this all blows over: if it all blows over. Don't blame yourself.
Down the road, later on, you will hate that I never gave more to you than half of my heart.
I know that, if something comes out of this, you will eventually disagree with me. I know at some point: everyone does. And this leads to downfall. Because of my past, it will be hard to break down the barriers that I have formed. It would all be too much for me: too much to handle all at once. I will be reluctant. Down the road, later on, you will hate that I never gave more to you than half of my heart.
But I can't stop loving you (can't stop loving you) with half of my heart.
Now, you may ask yourself, "Why is she sending me this email?" Well, the answer is, if you haven't figured it out already, I love you Fredface, and you have no idea how hard it is for me to say this. But I can't stop loving you, no matter how hard I try: even if it is with only half of my heart.
Half of my heart's got a real good imagination. Half of my heart's got you.
But I've come to a realization. I guess that half of my heart has a real good imagination. The other half's got you. Stuck on my brain: you're just trapped in my mind. Stuck there with no way out.
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you that half of my heart won't do.
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you that half of my heart won't do. I should be loving you totally: but my past comes to mind every single time. It's not you, really. This would happen with any other guy too. It's just too hard for me to let go.
Half of my heart is a shotgun wedding to a bride with a paper ring. And half of my heart is the part of a man who never truly loved anything.
Half of my heart is the part of me who can't let go: but can't hold on either. It's the part of me who hasn't truly loved anything. It's the part of my heart that's pure solid concrete from the desolate years of my childhood.
Half of my heart. Oh, half of my heart. Half of my heart.
But, I guess it's time to let go of those feelings: even if it's only partial. I really do love you. I don't know how and I don't know why, but I do know that if you feel the same way, I'd be willing to try.
Sam
Oh-kay! So I hope you liked it! Next chapter will be up… probably next week or the week after. I will be away next week but I may post before then. Please review: I work hours on each chapter but reviews make it all worth it!