Title: Troubled Kitsunes
Author: landofthekwt
Genre: Crackfic/Parody
Universe: AU
Pairing: None
Word Count:1438
Rating: K+
Warning: None Inuyasha Fanfic Week 142. AU Theme
Summary: Thinly veiled parody of "The Troubles with Tribbles" episode of the original Star Trek.
Disclaimer:I do not own or profit from the characters of Inuyasha or Star Trek. They belong to
Rumiko Takahaski and Majel Barrett and a host of corporations which a right to them.
My apologies to David Gerrold for mangling his wonderful script for "The Trouble with Tribbles" My apologies to Twisted Hilarity 's "Demon Terror" for borrowing the idea of parasite infection.
The words in Italics are from "The Trouble with Tribbles"
A/N xgrenade has ruined Captain Kirk for me. Whenever I see him anymore, he will always be Zapp Brannigan to me.
"An eternity with nerds. It's the Pasadena Star Trek Convention all over again." -Nichelle Nichols, Futurama
Captain Sesshoumaru stared into the mirror on the ceiling from his heart-shaped bed. Perfect in every way , he thought He was the man whom men feared and women loved. It was perfect start for the perfect day for the hero of the United Planets.
He quickly dressed his naked body in his captains uniform. Ready to conquer the galaxy to maintain the peace.
As he arrived on the bridge, a tumult was building. There was chief United Planets Administrator for Minor and Trivial Matters, Naraku and his chief aide, Hakudoushi. talking to his science officer, Miroku.
They were discussing the diversion of the Sacred Jewel to Obscure Space Station No.1
Sesshoumaru strode up to them.
Naraku was expounding upon his mission. " We must be the first take to take the chickens to Peabody's Planet before the Leghorns or we will lose the planet."
Sesshoumaru looked at the bottom of his shoe to see if he had less regard for what was on the bottom of his shoe or Naraku. Close call.
"I am not diverting the Sacred Jewel." said the captain adamantly
" I have here Carte Blanche from the head of the United Planets to do whatever is necessary to secure Peabody's Planet for the United Planets. Don't you have any respect for the United Planets." said Naraku
Sesshoumaru replied "I have great deal of respect for the United Planets. It is you I have no respect for.".
"I will protect the chickens, but first we must go on a useless and unnecessarily wasteful away mission." Sesshhoumaru said at last
"Miroku, Doctor Kaede and myself will go"
Computer, where is my brother, Inuyasha.?"
"He is in his room, spanking the hanyo (copyright salomewilde 2008)
"He can do that anytime, tell him to get down here."
Just as Captain sat down in his chair,. Yeoman Kagome Rand arrived with documents for him to initial.
Pulling the yeoman into his lap, Sesshoumaru purred " I may only love the Sacred Jewel, but Iam sure I could squeeze you for a minute or two of mad passionate monkey love."
The yeoman sighed " Not today. sir , I have rabies."
Kagome had heard that the Captain's mighty schwanstucker was actually a wee-wee. . She had some self-respect. She would put out for anything less than dinner at the Captain's table.
She noticed that the Captain appeared to be gaining weight. By next season they would have to bring him to bridge in wheel barrel. Inuyasha arrived at the Transporter #3 as ordered. He had heard rumors that red clad personnel were suffering severe casualties on these away missions. He was only red-clad person present. He was doomed.
When they arrived at the surface, the three officers formed a perimeter . Inuyasha was sent out of sight of the others to survey the area.(Cue the dramatic music.)
Suddenly, a small kitsune scurried out from behind a rock. "Hi, I am Trouble." With that he bit Inuyasha on the arm and ran away.
"Medic" cried Inuyasha.
The party arrived and looked at Inuyasha. They decided that they needed to transport back to the ship in order to justify the large amount of money spent on Kaede's shipboard medical facility.
Back aboard they began to examine Inuyasha. Nurse Sango came behind Miroku."If only he would ask me to have his child." she thought while rubbing the butt of the emotionless Vulcan.
" You know I am not programmed to respond in that area." said Miroku.
"I know, but I can still dream." sighed Nurse Sango.
The examination of Inuyasha continued.
Suddenly, claws ripped through the belly of Inuyasha and fox-like head emerged from the hanyou's stomach.
"What is that" cried Nurse Sango.
"I do not know" said Doctor Kaede. "I am doctor not a veterinarian."
The kitsunes continued to climb out of Inuyasha's belly at the rate of one every minute..
Soon they were scurrying into every corner of the ship.
Sesshoumaru looked at Miroku for some advice.. Miroku began to drone on about how if one kitsune emerged every minute how long it would be before they filled the Albert Hall.
Just when he thought things could not get any worse. Naraku arrived on the bridge.
"Sesshomaru, there are Leghorns on the space station.
To mollify Naraku , Sesshoumaru did send a dozen men over to the space station to counter
the dozen or so Leghorns.
Included in this group were Inuyasha who still had kitsunes coming out of his stomach, Ensign
Kohaku and Chief Engineer Lieutenant Commander Totosai.
Totosai was included because if anyone could keep the peace he could.
No sooner had these three sat down when a Leghorn sidled up to them.
He began to insult Sesshoumaru. " He is a tin-plated, overbearing, swaggering dictator with delusions of godhood. A Denubian slime-devil"
Totosai was able to ignore the derogatory remarks. However, when the Leghorns said the Sacred Jewel should be hauling garbage they had gone too far.
Totosai looked at Kohaku. They both knew what had to be done. They tossed Inuyasha at the nearest Leghorn.
The Leghorns fled before the Kitsunes that continued to pour out of Inuyasha's stomach.
When they returned to the ship, Sesshoumaru was angry. He confronted Totosai
"I sent you on this mission because I thought that you would keep the peace, Totosai
What was it that caused the fight?"
" They insulted you, but when they insulted the Sacred Jewel they had gone too far."
Sesshoumaru sighed. "So who through the first punch"
They all pointed to Inuyasha.
"Inuyasha, you are confined to quarters for the duration"
"But, Captain, soon there will not be room in my quarters for the kitsunes."
"That is your problem"
When Sesshoumaru returned to the bridge, he sat down in his chair.
He heard a yelp from beneath him. It was a kitsune.
There were kitsunes everywhere.
They had to removed from the ship. This was a job for Inuyasha.
Sesshoumaru headed for the galley.
He pressed the replicator for a chicken sandwich and coffee.
Instead in front of him appeared a kitsune eating a chicken sandwich and drinking coffee.
He suddenly realized that the kitsunes had a taste for chicken .The chickens on the space station were in danger from kitsunes. who had been released by Inuyasha onto the station. The foxes
were in the henhouse for sure.
He hurried over to the station He tried the lock on chicken coop. 1,2,3,4,5 same as the combination on his luggage. The lock would not open.
The guard pried open the overhead hatch for him. Down came kitsunes with half eaten chickens in their mouths until Sesshoumaru was buried up to his neck in kitsunes and chickens.
Dr.Kaede waved her medical device at the pile and exclaimed." These kitsunes and chickens are dead."
" What killed them?"
" They appear to have died from eating the chickens."
Naraku was now furious. "I have your head, Sesshoumaru."
Sesshoumaru sighed."Until I am relieved, I am the Captain."
"I just ask one thing. Would someone closed the upper hatch" as another kitsune and chicken fell on his head.
Sesshoumaru returned to the ship and discussed the situation with Dr.Kaede.
It appeared that the chickens had been poisoned and that the kitsunes died from poisoning.
This presented a solution to Inuyasha's problem.
"I order you to eat a chicken.,Inuyasha." as the medical staff stuffed a chicken done the throat of the struggling hanyou.
Sure enough, Inuyasha died and the kitsunes stopped coming out of his stomach.
Sesshoumaru took out his ornamental sword, Tenseiga and brought Inuyasha back to live.
That being done he returned to the space station.
He had to find out who poisoned the chickens.
He began waving dead kitsunes at the Leghorns until they retreated to their ship.
Naraku and aide arrived on the scene. Sesshoumaru waved the kitsune at the bureaucrats.
Hakudoushi cowered in fear.
Dr.Kaede waved her salt shaker at Hakudoushi. "This man is a Leghorn."
Under pressure from the threat of dead Kitsune the hapless aide confessed.
When Sesshoumaru returned he found not a kitsune on the ship. The crew had transported the kitsunes onto the Leghorn ship before it left the space station.
There remained the matter of Inuyasha. After all he had transported a creature harmful to human life onto the space station.
He was given a choice of removing the kitsunes from the space station or 20 years in a rehabilitation center.
"Consider it job security." remarked Sesshoumaru
Inuyasha chose the space station. At least he would not have to deal with his brother anymore.
Sesshoumaru sighed as he laid on his bed in his room. Another glorious day in the career of Captain Sesshoumaru.