For my good friend, mnmskittle, for her birthday. M, I want to say I'm SOOOO sorry it took me forever to do it. Can only hope that the story itself makes up for the length of time it took to write. I wanted to make sure it was good and funny.
Handcuffs, Whips-Her! Oh My
Zuko, the rational and recently-turned philosophical (courtesy of his uncle's influence) young man he was, liked to believe there was a reason for everything. That every effect had a cause. Every action a motive behind it.
Like the fact his sister was the psychotic, manipulative girl she was, not because of her vast craving for power (though that another reason), but because of the hole in her heart their mother unknowingly punctured when she disappeared years ago.
Like the fact his best friend, Sokka, had to constantly win back his girlfriend with gifts and romantic gestures because his big mouth often landed him in the hot-seat.
Like the fact he and his girlfriend (well now ex-girlfriend), Mai didn't work out because the thing holding them was familiarity and comfort instead of passion, which he learned too little too late was the essential ingredient needed for any relationship.
But today he stumbled into one predicament that he couldn't explain.
What was he, a college-sophomore pushing through spring semester, with a mountain of assignments to complete and tests to cram for, doing at the mall when he should be at the library?
He thought about it for a second or two before the answer came to him.
"Toph." he groaned, running a hand over his face.
Friends since they were children and girl's senior by two years, Toph Beifong was moreso like a little sister to Zuko than a best friend. The sister he should but sadly didn't have. She certainly possessed the sisterly qualities, equally reminding him how much he cared for her for her honesty and loyalty and at the same time how much he could kill her for her pranks and whims.
Like making him waste twenty gallons worth of gas driving all the way from his dorm-room to the mall because she needed a ride home and asking her parents was completely out of the question.
Making him travel in circles, going up and down the escalators, because of her vague directions.
Not picking up her phone to answer his twelve angry calls.
Make that thirteen, Zuko scowled as he called her phone. Again.
Thankfully, the thirteenth time seemed to be the charm. Instead of his call going straight to voice mail, it came through after the two rings. "Hello."
"Where the hell are you?" Zuko demanded.
Toph scoffed, sounding entirely amused. Too amused for her own good. "Nice to hear from you, too, Sparky."
Zuko growled under his breath. "I'm serious, Toph. I have a ten-page history paper due tomorrow and I have two words written down: my name. Not to mention three midterms next week I need to cram for."
"Good to know that college has lightened your crabby, emo-self."
"I am not crabby!" He realized too late how loud that last two words were projected, attracting the attention of a dozen or so shoppers who turned their heads towards his direction. Over the phone, he could hear Toph laughing at his expanse, as if she were there witnessing it. After a brief glance over the crowd to make sure she wasn't, he shuffled over to the side for privacy. "I'm not crabby," he repeated in a calmer tone. "And I'm not emo either."
"Oh really? The caption under your high school yearbook picture says otherwise. What is you were voted for again? Most likely to star in a Broadway-adaptation of Twilight as Edward Cullen because of your brooding pout and melodramatic speeches."
Still to this day Zuko was sure she had something to do with that category. And making sure that his win for that category was a landslide. The girl was that devious to come up with something like that. Plus she knew how much he hated the book series. But that was a topic meant for another day. He had more important things to do. Like finding her. "Where are you?"
"I'm standing by the chick with the phone attached to her ear."
Zuko looked over his shoulder. There were about thirty or so that fitted the description. "A little more specific please."
"Fine. She's blonde."
"Toph!"
Laughing, she said "Alright, alright. Calm down before your panties explode. I'm up at the fourth floor. A shop on the left."
Finally, some good directions. Zuko made sure that Toph was still on as he jogged his way up to the fourth level, turning left.
"Alright, I'm here. Which store are you at?"
"The one with the mannequins and glass windows."
Swell. That was just about every store within sight. Zuko had no desire searching through them all for the girl. "Toph."
"I swear college has made you even more of a grouch. Fine. Turn left again, walk all the way down until you've reached a bridge and then turn right. I'm at the store that's directly across from you."
Zuko pulled the phone away from his heat-warm face to check the time. It was a quarter to five. The valuable time he could have used to start his paper he was wasting on a wild Toph-chase. "Remind me again why I'm doing this."
"Three reasons. First because underneath that grouchy, Pete Wentz exterior is a big, ole softie. Second, I'm a frail little girl who desperately needs help. Third, you simply love me too much to say no."
Zuko easily found counterarguments against her claims.
First and foremost he was not a softie. He was just someone who did what needed to be done, believing it was a simpler route than fighting over it.
Second Toph may have small, a feature she always loathed about herself, but frail was the last word he'd use to describe her. A word anyone smart enough would avoid using with her unless they had the great urge to visit the hospital. Though she had been blind since birth, she never let her disability hold her back. Not from whipping up a new scheme. Not from fighting, becoming one of the youngest person in her material-arts class ever to master not one but five different forms of fighting.
Third-well…as much as he hated it, he couldn't really argue against the third one. He did love her too much to say so. And there were times, such as now, when that love really could be a pain.
"I hate you."
She snorted. "Sure you do, Sparky."
"Okay, you said I walk all down until I reached the bridge. And the store is directly across from-" His words were killed mid-sentence as he reached his destination.
The sight of headless mannequins donned in naughty French lingerie and fixed into positions that would have a blushing mother quickly cover her poor innocent children' eyes was a sight that took his mind five seconds to digest. It took another ten for his eyes to adjust to the brightness of the red and white neon lights that spelled out the store's name, Oh La La.
You've got to be kidding me, Zuko thought.
Oh La La was a store he (and he used to think Toph) dodged like the plague. For the most part anyway. It wasn't like he was a snob that thought the store was beneath him. Well, maybe he did, just a tiny bit, but he had his reasons. The store didn't have anything he needed. It wasn't like Barnes &Nobles, where he could find a new book to add to his growing library. It wasn't like Hot Topic or American Eagle, where he could get new clothes. It wasn't even like Newbury Comics, where he could fine anything interesting and fun like movies, posters, clothes, and collector action figures he splurged on from time to time.
Oh La La was a store that, as Toph often liked to put it, was the product of a one night stand between the x-rated older brother of Spencer's and slutty French cousin of Victoria Secret during a drunken, Fifty Shades of Grey-inspired night.
As cringing as the description was, not even Zuko could argue against. Oh La La was that store, providing the twisted and the sex-crazed anything they needed for a hot night from barely-there lingerie to toys promised to bring both pain and pleasure.
No way, Zuko thought. There was no way in hell he was stepping foot in there. The windows were already too much for his eyes. God knows what else laid inside.
He was about to tell Toph that he was here and she needed to come out-pronto-but two things got in the way. One was that his best friend conveniently hung on him, promoting an angry growl from him and a quick dial to her phone. Two was the sound of a familiar, flat-tone voice that smacked against his eardrum.
"I don't see why people are still shopping for gifts when Valentine's day is over," He could see her right now, arms crossed over her chest, face utterly neutral, revealing not a hint of what was going through her head, as a heavy sigh passed through her thin lips. "I don't even know why people celebrate it in the first place."
Zuko heard a giggle before he heard the reply. "Because, silly, it celebrates one of the most important things in life: love."
"Right. Because love comes in the forms of candy that will rot your teeth, stuffed animals you pretend to like when really you're just going to stuff them in the back of your closet, and flowers your so-called romantic boyfriend picked out after realizing he only has five minutes to pick up something or suffer your unpleasing wrath. You're completely right, Ty-Lee. God praise Valentine's day."
Oh shit. Mai. As if fate didn't like him enough, they decided to torture him more by adding his ex into the mix. And from the sound of their footsteps, they were coming closer.
Zuko glanced over at the sex shop, then over to the corner where the girls were bound to come from. He didn't know which would be worse. Getting caught by a familiar face in a sex store that was practically the home-base for crazed Fifty Shades of Grey fans? Or risk the wrath of his deadpan ex and her over-zealous partner in crime that believed their break-up was a temporary separation instead of a permanent one?
I'm going to murder you, Toph, Zuko vowed as he quickly dove into the store, entering the heart of the beast.
To his surprise, the store was bigger than it appeared outside. Much bigger, more spacious. Zuko figured it had to be an illusion the store-owners figured would attract people if not for the goodies they supplied. Zuko saw a lot of goodies.
The first thing he saw was handcuffs-lots and lots of handcuffs, as if the store had stolen from its factory. Handcuffs in every color imaginable from standard silver, red, pink, and leopard. Handcuffs detailed with lace, ruffles, and animal prints. Handcuffs that were tight, scented, and could vibrate.
Past the handcuffs were more toys. Whips and chains that would came in both edible and inedible, anal toys, harasses, cock rings, and dildos of every size and color-some of which were sadly downloaded into his corrupted mind-featured on a number of thongs. After the toys were the clothes-or scraps of fabric that resembled some pieces of clothing. Zuko could see that Victoria Secret, a domain Sokka believed was the land of the naughty, was practically the pre-teen sister compared to this store. The store had more than just some laced bras and panties. They were costumes, a lot of adult-themed, role-playing costumes from doctors and nurses, maids and bell-boys, Batman and Cat-woman, and characters from Harry Potter. There were the standard bras and corsets, panties, and dresses and slips that made him take a second, long glance and caused his mouth to water slightly.
The place was buzzing with people and noise from customers fishing through the racks or giggling among their cliques as they checked out the new stuff, the workers shuffling back and forth between the registers to the dressing rooms and the backroom, and the singers that were blasting through the speakers and ceiling-mounted TVs.
Cause I may be bad but I'm perfectly good at it
There's sex in the air I don't care, I love the smell of it
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But chains and whips excite me
While chains and whips may excite Rihanna, they certainly didn't excite Zuko at the moment. Not when he had a paper to start on. Not when he had a friend to find. Not when he had a friend to find and then kill.
Moving his way around a tall ladder in the center of the store, occupied by an employ attempting to hang a flimsy-looking sign, Zuko dialed Toph number. Then called her again and again when she didn't answer.
"The sound of my voicemail should connect the dots for you. If not, then allow me. I'm busy. You're stupid. Leave a message." her voicemail said.
"Ha, ha, ha," Zuko said, figuring out he was caught in another one of Toph's pranks. "You're a real comedian. I hope you're laughing now because that's going to be the last thing you do when I get my hands on you."
Two minutes. He was going to give her two minutes to show her face and let her have her laugh so he could get her home or he was leaving.
To distract himself from the time and his violent mind painting various scenarios of how he could end her life, Zuko figured he'd take a look around. Onscreen, the shows switched from videos of Britney Spears and Beyoncé grinding against their dancers, Ariana Grande straddling her bed, and Rihanna flashing her goods to the camera to commercials of upcoming movies. Including, surprise-surprise, Fifty Shades.
"My tastes are very…singular," Christen Grey warned, his dark voice booming through the speakers. "You wouldn't understand."
"Enlighten me then." Anastasia Steel answered back.
Oh brother. Zuko rolled his eyes and moved his way over to the left, where he saw, besides the whips and lace, a small bookshelf. He picked up the first book he saw that was red-velvet with no title.
Strange, but Zuko didn't pay mind to it. He quickly was reminded why titles were necessary, opening the book and coming across a picture of a couple in bed, the woman with her mouth agape, fists clenching the sheets while the man's head was buried deep between her legs.
Dear God.
"I never would have thought you need tips on how to please your girl, Zuko."
A hot flash went through him, searing his skin, as blood rushed to his face. Zuko forced himself to remain calm, as if him looking through a sex-book was normal, lifting his eyes away from the picture over to the familiar, smiling goofball standing beside him. "You know something. You're right, Guru Goodie-Goodie. This book should be for you," He shoved it into Aang's hands with a bit more force than necessary. "Lord knows you'll need when Toph deflowers you on your big night."
Aang's smile was dropped as his face burnt bright red. "Well…that…won't be for quite some time. So I'm good."
If Zuko was in the mood, he could give the blushing virgin some more tips he learned from his experience, but decided against it. "Speaking of your girlfriend, where is she? She called me over an hour ago saying she needed a ride, and her directions led me right to here. Yet I don't see her."
His questions brought a smile on the boy's face, a smile he didn't like as he saw a flare of mischief shooting across his eyes. "Yea, about that? Toph's covered. She's at the food-court, getting Chinese food. We plan on going home later on."
If Zuko wasn't so low on caffeine, he'd be screaming. Or smack the smile clean off Aang's face. "Then what the hell," he said through clenched teeth. "am I still doing here if she already has a ride home?"
"Because of the surprise we have planned for you."
Zuko did not like where this was going. "What surprise?"
Aang didn't answer in words as much as he answered with his actions. With a smile, his skinny arms thrust out, slamming Zuko hard against the chest, sending him flying across the store. Pain exploded in a boom of aches and throbs as his back hit the ladder. Zuko tried to keep himself steady, to keep the ladder straight, but Aang's push refused to go down. He tumbled to the ground, more pain being added to his throbbing as he landed flat on his back. Pain hit in the front as something heavy landed on top of him while the ladder he tried keeping up fell next to him and the ripped sign fluttered down, covering over him like a tent.
I'm going to murder them, he promised himself, biting his lip to hold back the curses and groans trying to come out. I'm going to murder Aang while Top watches, then use his dismembered arms to strangle her.
At least his face was spared the pain. By some odd, incredibly-soft cushion that smelt and felt incredible against his face with some odd vibrating playing inside it.
Boom-boom, boom-boom, boom-boom. Zuko tried moving back, only to have his nose slide further down the cushion, which curved around the angel, bringing him close to the nipple-
Wait. Nipple!
Oh dear God. All the blood immediately rushed to his face as he realized his safety cushion wasn't a cushion.
Please let this be a mannequin. Please let this be a dark-skinned, amazingly life-like mannequin.
"Get the hell away from me, you pervert!"
And once again fate proved how much it truly hated him.
"Love too, but your boobs are suffocating me. And allow me to take this embarrassing moment to remind you that you're on top of me."
He heard a huff from above, along with a few grumbles and curses he knew were directed towards him, before the extra weight was lifted off and his vision was filled with the store's gray ceiling. He slowly lifted his body up into sitting position, despite the sharp pain that bite him from side to side. He looked over to the girl who he saved from a nasty fall and unintentionally rewarded him with the comfort of her chest.
His mouth dropped.
Dear God, no. No. Of all the employees, it had to be her.
Now he was sure fate was just downright cruel.
A narrowed pair of bright, incredibly-blue eyes stared at him angrily. Strands of dark chocolate hair tumbled down her shoulders, escaping from her ballerina bun. A heart-shaped face that was far too pretty not to be captured in pictures. Even sitting down, curves were still shown from her tight black jeans and low-cut white tank-top, revealing a lot of skin. Possibly more than what she would like. In bold, cursive writing the phase, I GOT THE PUSSY IF YOU GOT THE COCK, practically bounced from her chest. The same chest his face was nuzzled against less than five seconds ago.
Oh dear God. It wasn't by bad enough that he was forced into a sex shop. Or he was caught looking through a sex-guide. He was smacked against the ladder, causing the girl working on that very ladder to land right on him, and used her boobs as a pillow.
His crush of all people.
"I don't know what planet you come from, but newsflash. Just because you save a girl from a fall doesn't grant you permission to grope her chest, you pig."
Maybe it was the shock of the girl being her. Maybe it was the frustration over his paper that was still waiting to be done. Maybe it was the murderous anger directed toward the two culprits that got him into this mess in the first place. Maybe it was one, all three, or neither, but Zuko knew it was something that caused the remains of his self-control to snap.
"Newsflash. I'd hardly call having your chest smushed against my face groping. That wasn't my fault. You landed on me, and it's not my fault your boobs decided to act as a shield. Maybe they wanted to be cuddled."
The last part sounded so much better in his head than they did out loud.
"You're completely right. It's my fault that you can't see where you're going. It's my fault that you knocked me off the ladder. It's my fault you destroyed the banner, which my boss is going to happily take out of my pay," She pointed towards the ripped banner that was cut right through the middle. "It's most definitely my fault that I fell off the ladder you knocked over and fell on top of you with my boobs landing directly on your face. It's totally my fault. I take full responsibility."
She wasn't even attempting to hide her sarcasm. Zuko was starting to wonder if this was one of those cases of falling for the looks and not the person, because so far the girl's attitude had a lot to be desired for.
"Well, you know what they say? The customer's always right."
"And the employee once again has to question said customer's intelligence," she replied. "Now if you excuse me, I have to get back to work."
She got herself off the floor, grabbed the ripped banner, and went to the backroom. Zuko stared after her, silently fuming at Toph and Aang, and wondering if it was possible that Sokka passed on his loose tongue to him.
Something shiny and bright glinted from the store's headlight, the light bouncing off it onto Zuko's eyes. Squinting, he peered down at the smooth, marble-carved necklace lying on the floor. It must have slipped off the girl when she fell.
Zuko waited until she returned for him to approach. She didn't look angry anymore, but given the slight frown on her face she wasn't that happy to see him again.
"Can I help you?" she asked, though the words sounded forced from her lips.
Zuko had to count to three to keep himself from saying something that would land him deeper in the hole he was in. "I think, given what happened, I should offer you some help."
He presented her the necklace, which the girl accepted, stunned, as if the necklace was her newborn child. He almost offered to help her put it back, but, given what just occurred, decided against it.
"Thanks." She allowed a small, soft smile to surface. One that made her ten times prettier.
"Must mean a lot to you, huh?"
"Believe me. It does," She stared down at the amulet, brushing her fingers against the cravings. "It was my mother's."
There was a story behind it, Zuko was sure of it. He could tell by the shadows that touched her eyes, leaving quickly as they appeared. It wasn't in his place to ask though.
"There's also something else I want to help you with."
Her left brow arched suspiciously. "What is it?"
"Well," Zuko resisted the urge to rub against his neck that was burning. He didn't want to come off even stranger to the girl than he already did. "For one I could help you pay off the ripped banner. It was my fault, along with my friend who conveniently vanished."
All he had was a twenty, but he figured it was better than nothing. To his surprise, she took the money only to fold it up and place it inside his shirt pocket.
"Don't worry about it," she said. "The fact that you offered is enough."
"And I'm sorry about the whole…well, you know, with my face and your-"
"It's okay. Well, not entirely. But you're apologizing and that counts for something. Most guys aren't that decent."
"Well, I'm not most guys." he insisted.
Her smile grew just a bit.
"I still want to make it up to you," he said. "Do you have a break coming up?"
"In about twenty minutes."
"Well, will you allow me to buy you lunch? To make up for what happened and all?"
She zeroed in on her, eyes taking in every detail. When her eyes landed on his scar, he was scared that it would the deal-breaker, but to his relief, she quickly moved on from it. "Don't you have work to get done? Like a paper?"
A ten-page paper that was due tomorrow by ten. He knew his professor wouldn't accept late papers. He also knew that he'd be a complete idiot to let opportunity slip away, despite the circumstances that gained him it. "Well, I was already planning on pulling all-nighter. And, given the afternoon I had, I think I'm entitled to good food. And the company of a pretty girl."
His words were all that was needed to get a full smile from her, along with a light shade of red that colored her cheeks. "How do you feel about Panda Express?"
"I feel very good about Panda Express."
"Okay, then I'll meet you there when my shift is done."
"Awesome," he blurted out, then quickly snapped his mouth shut when he realized how eager he sounded. "I mean that's cool."
"I'm Katara." She stuck her hand out.
"Zuko."
"Well, Zuko," He wasn't sure how, but somehow his name sounded incredible when it rolled off her tongue. "Nice to meet you."
"Yes-I mean no. I mean-" It wasn't enough that Sokka passed over his loose tongue. Now his loose tongue was having trouble forming simple words. "The pleasure is all mine."
"I'll see you soon."
Zuko watched her walked away, noticing how there was a sway in her eyes with every step she took. He sighed happily and left the store to find the very people who were on the very top of his hit list standing outside, looking at him with knowing smiles.
"See, Zuko," Aang said. "I told you we have a surprise planned for you."
"And you most have really enjoyed it," Toph said, sounding too proud of herself. "Getting a full view and feel of her tits before the first date. I bet you're going to have some sweet, wet dreams tonight."
Luckily for the Cupids, he was too happy to kill them. He'd worry about that later on. "You are not cute, Toph."
"I disagree, Sparky."
"Me, too," Aang slung his arm around her, drawing his girlfriend close to him. "She's gorgeous."
"Don't get all sappy on me, Twinkle Toes." Toph elbowed him playfully in the ribs, but Zuko caught sight of her pleased smile. "So, Sparky, now that we finally got you to ask your future girlfriend out, how about letting us to join you two on your first date? I promise we'll be good."
Zuko thought about it for a second before draping his arms around his friends and leading them down to the first floor of the mall and as far away from Panda Express as possible. "Toph, I already want you two dead for tricking me. I will make your deaths slow and painful if you even think about showing your faces there."
Aang looked terrified while Toph easily shrugged off the threat.
"Whatever you say, Sparky. Just be sure to tell your children that Auntie Toph was the reason that you and their Mommy got together."
"That and a sex-shop." Aang chimed and was silenced by the hard slap Zuko delivered to the back of his head.