The Daily Returning Annoyances Of Sirius' Miserable Life In Number 12 Grimmauld Place

::Chapter One::

The sound of a slamming door woke him up, though he didn't open his eyes. He rolled over and soon fell asleep again.
After half a hour he woke again. This time it was the sun, shining through the moth eaten curtains. He sighed irritably and decided to get out and have breakfast. He sat up right on the creaking bed, yawned and combed his hair out of his face, giving it a more out-of-bed look than it already had. Then he clumsily put on the trousers he'd been wearing a whole week now (not that he cared) and made his way to the door.
Reaching the first landing, he almost immediatly kicked his foot into a stone bookstand.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG! KREACHER?!" he roared, rubbing his toes. "CLEAN UP YOUR MESS!"
He limped towards the stairs, muttering things like "...bloody house elf..." and "...kick him out...".
When he got downstairs, the pain was allready declining. He made his way to the kitchen. He opened the door to find Molly sitting at the table and Remus, who was about to leave the kitchen, eating chocolate. Remus smiled.
Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Why are you eating chocolate in the morning?"
"It's three o'clock in the afternoon, Sirius!" Molly said irritated.
"Oh," Sirius said, rubbing his face and combing his hand through his hair.
"'Morning' Sirius," Remus said smiling as he petted Sirius on the head and left the kitchen.
Molly was still looking at Sirius in a way of great annoyance.
"What?!" Sirius said as he sat down and magiced himself to some brunch.
"Oh, it's nothing... Just that you go to bed way too late! You get out of your bed in the afternoon! You're always moody and you let me do al the work while its your own house!"
"Weef got a houve elv vor that." Sirius said with his a mouth full of chicken sandwich.
"Don't speak with your mouth full! And you know perfectly well that Kreacher is deeply disturbed and-"
Sirius swallowed. "He's not! How many times do I have to tell-"
"It's still your house! Cleaning doesn't hurt, you know!"
Sirius ignored her, taking a gulp of his goblet with pumpkin juice.
"I want you to help me today," Molly said. "But first you're going to take a shower, wash your hair, shave yourself and put on some clothes you haven't been wearing for half a year!"
"I'm not wearing-"
"Sirius..." Remus' calm voice came from behind him. He had entered the kitchen again. "You do smell a little..."
Somehow Sirius had never really been able to yell at Remus. Why, he didn't know himself either. It was just impossible. So he stood up, cleaned away his brunch and made his way to the door. As he past Remus, Remus whispered "Thank you."
"Oh, and Sirius," Molly said "I want you to put on a decent T-shirt from now on! Walking half naked through the house... there are children here!"
Sirius came to a halt and turned around to respond, but met Remus' begging eyes.
"ARG! Fine!" He turned around again, throwing his arms in the air.
He stomped up the stairs and went to his room to find clean clothes.

::Chapter 2::

When he found them, he went to the bathroom.
While he undressed, stepped into the shower and turned on the tap, he muttered irritated "Go take a shower! Go shave yourself! Put on some clothes you haven't been wearing for half a year! Sure... MOM!"
When he had washed his hair, he dried himself and put on his clean clothes.
"Why doesn't she go mothering around in her own house!"
When he shaved himself, he accidentally cut himself in the neck with the razorblade. "Ouch! Stupid blades!" He debbed it with a piece of toilet paper, but it did not stop the bleeding. He sighed irritably. "Never mind."
He went downstairs and leaned, arms folded, against the door post of the kitchen.
"Finished." He said dryly.
Molly and Remus, who were sitting at the table, both turned around.
"Good. Then we can finaly get started." Molly said, standing up.
Remus smiled approvingly. "That's much better, Padfoot. Hey, you're bleeding."
Sirius reached for his neck and looked at his fingers. They were shining with blood.
"Oh... right."
"Let me have a look at it. Come here."
Sirius sighed and moved over to the table. "It's nothing, really."
"Just a second, Molly. It'll only need a plaster." Remus said, walking over to a cupboard.

After two minutes Remus had cleaned the wound and Sirius' cut was covered with a plaster.

::Chapter 3::

In no time, they were upstairs because Molly wanted to clean the room that was filled with old china and furniture. Which happened to be Sirius' old bedroom... and he did't like it....

"Why this room?! I mean, of ALL the rooms in this stinking house, you especially have to pick this room!" Sirius roared.
"This one hasn't been cleaned yet, Sirius!"
"Well, there are another five room we haven't cleaned yet, aren't there?!"
"Excuse me?! WE?! WE CLEANED?! You haven't done a bloody thing! Now, start cleaning those plates! And no magic!"
"I'm not taking any more orders- !"
"Sirius! Molly!" Remus said suddenly. "Please... can't we just keep it –well- can't you just try not to fight? Please? If we just clean this all up and... have a cup of tea, hm?"
"If we do it at Sirius' rate, we'll be finished when the word 'tea' doesn't even exist anymore!" Molly responded darkly.
"Molly-" Remus started, but he was interrupted by Sirius' impatient yelling.
"OK! I've had it! Don't expect me to do anything for you anymore!" He folded his arms and stubbornly sat down on the dusty couch standing behind him.
"FINE!" Molly roared. "Then you don't have to expect anything from me either!"
"Molly," Remus did another (which seemed hopeless) attemt to bring peace back again.
"Why- why don't you go clean one of the other rooms, then Sirius and I will do this one. (Sirius snorted) Don't worry I'll deal with this."
Molly took a very deep breath. "Fine. I'll start with the attic then."
She left and closed the door with a loud bang.
Remus turned to Sirius. "Sirius..."
"Uh! Don't start! I don't need a third mother telling me what to do!"
Remus sighed and smiled. "What about a good friend wanting to get you out of this as soon as possible? Come on, Padfoot... if we work hard enough, we can have it done in one hour."
Sirius stared a few second blankly in front of him. He seemed to be gathering patience.
"All right." He turned to Remus, pointing his finger at him. "One hour. I won't stay here any longer!"
"One hour." Remus said kindly. "I promise. And you know what?"
"What?"
Remus looked around the room, to check no one else could hear him, lowered his voice and said: "I think we can use a little magic." He smiled again.
Sirius stood up. "Good. So... what should I do?"
"Er..." Remus checked the room again. "Why don't you start cleaning those plates and cups over there, then I'll do the chairs."
Sirius walked over to the cupboard where all the old plates and cups were standing on and started to clean them with a cleaning charm.

Within one minute, Sirius dropped a cup that fell to the floor and shattered into a hundred pieces.
Remus immediatly looked around, to meet Sirius' I-didn't-do-it face. He pointed his wand at the sharves, said: "Reparo", the pieces flung together and the cup looked like new again.
"You know," Remus said with a certain determined look on his face. "Why don't you do the chairs, then I'll do the china, all right?"
"What ever. It's your birthday."
Sirius switched places with Remus.

Remus lay the cleaned stuff on the large four-poster in the corner of the room.
"Your old bed, eh?"
"Yep" Sirius muttered darkly.
"It surprises me they didn't remove it."
"Maybe" Sirius said sarcastically "they thought I would come back. Thinking there was still 'hope' for me."
"Or maybe... they missed you and wanted to have a remembrance." Remus said, faking a sentimental voice.
Sirius snorted. "Yeah, right!"

And so they went on, talking about Sirius' family and their youth.

"Oi, Remus." Sirius said after fifty minutes.
Before Remus had turned around, a pillow was thrown right into his face.
"Hey! You'll pay for that!" He picked up the pillow and threw it back at Sirius, who hid behind the couch, which blocked it. He poked his head over the edge. Smirking. "HA! Missed!" He threw the pillow back again.
Remus duck and yelled "Becare-" but before he could finish his sentence, the room was filled with the sound of smashing china. "full..."
"Oops." Sirius said dryly, staring at the broken cups.
They heard something above their heads drop on a floor and stomping feet coming down a stairs.
"Shit! Molly! Repair it!" Sirius said laughing. Remus hastily pointed his wand at the sharves and whispered "Reparo!" Right on time, because a second later, Molly opened the door. She immediatly looked at Sirius. "What's happening in here?!"
"Nothing" Sirius said, raising his eyebrows. Molly turned to Remus.
"Honestly." He said innocently. "It's all under control. We've just finished."
Molly looked convinced. "Good, then we can start cooking. I'll meet you two downstairs." And she left. There was a moment of silence. Then the two men looked at each other and burst out laughing.

::Chapter 4::

"-but I can't even cook!" Sirius complained to Remus when they entered the kitchen five minutes later. Remus laughed.
"Don't worry, Sirius. It'll be alright."
Molly was already busy with the potatoes. She turned around. "You never ever cooked before?!"
"No." Sirius said, sitting down.
Molly sighed irritated once again and played a breadboard with vegetables on it, in front of him. "You can do the salad then."
Sirius looked at the vegetables like it was something scary he never saw before. Then he turned to Molly again. "How?"
Remus exploded with laughter.
"Do I have to tell you everything?!" Molly said turning around, opening a drawer, while Sirius made a defiant gesture towards her.
"First," (She turned around holding a knife) "you have to cut them. You know how to do that, right? Or do I have-"
"YES, I know how to use a knife!"
"Good!" She threw the knife on the table.
"Oi! Careful! You almost killed me, there!" Sirius said, jumping backwards in his chair.
"Oh, don't exaggerate it, you!" She turned around again, muttering "Big baby!..."
"I've heard thát!" Sirius said, scowling at her, reaching for the knife and starting to cut aggressively in the vegetables.
Remus was still laughing when he walked over to Molly. "What can I do for you, Molly?"
"Well, if you keep an eye on Sirius' salad, you already have a job that asked your hundred percent attention."
"Ha! Ha! Ha!" Sirius said sarcastically, almost hitting his hand with the knife.
"Watch it, Sirius," Remus sat down next to him. "You won't be the first one chopping it's own finger off. (Not too small)"
"At least I would have done it by accident" He said darkly.
"That's true. Now add the salt. Not so much, silly!"

::Chapter 5::

At the moment Sirius had finished the salad, the smell of baked meat filled his nose.
"Meat!" He jumped up and walk over to gas cooker. When he thought Molly wasn't watching, he wanted to steel a piece of meat out of the pan, but as he reached for it, he received a slap on his hand from Molly.
"Keep your dirty hands out of that pan!"
"Ah, come on! Just one!" He looked at her with almost begging eyes.
"No. Do you feel like you have the authority to steel Harry's piece of meat?!"
"I'll take Remus'!"
"Hey!" Remus said. "You'll have your own piece when it's time to eat, Sirius... have patience..."
Sirius made a disagreeing sound and leaned against the dresser, hands in his pockets, looking longingly at the smouldering meat. "Can I leave?"
"No, you can not!" Molly snapped "You're going to stay here and watch over the food, while I'm going to check on your mother's curtains. They can come home any minute now. –And don't even THINK about touching that meat!" She said, detecting Sirius' dog-like instinct in his eyes. She turned to Remus. "Remus dear, could you please lay the table for eleven?"
"Of course."
"Thank you. And you," She turned to Sirius again, her finger pointing at him. "Don't mess it up!"
"No-ho! You just go and have a nice chat with my mommy!"
Molly left the kitchen.

Sirius watched her leave and shut the door. "Man, I feel sorry for Arthur."
"Now, you shouldn't say that. She's a nice woman."
"Oh yeah. Very nice!" Sirius said sarcastically. "Maybe he married her for the sex..."
"Sirius! What makes you think that?!"
"Their offspring...?"
"They do seem to have a –well- healthy private life, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't love her for what she is. Could you please hand me the cutlery?" When he didn't heard the sound of cutlery being picked up, he looked up... Sirius was staring at the meat again.
"Mr Black."
"Hmm?"
"The cutlery please?"
"Oh, right" Sirius said, thrown into reality again. He handed Remus enough cutlery for eleven people.
"Oh, I think the potatoes are ready. If you could place them here. Be careful-" But before he could finish, Sirius had already, unsuspected grab hold on the handles of the pan.
"AAAARG!" Cursing loudly, Sirius immediately let go of the handles, letting the pan drop on the edge of the dresser. It slipped off and within two seconds, all the potatoes were rolling over the dirty kitchen floor.
"Oh, dear," Remus dodged some potatoes, hurrying towards Sirius. "Did you hurt yourself?"
"Damn it! Yes!" Sirius kicked aggressively against the pan, lying up side down on the floor.
"Calm down, Sirius... here," Remus turned the tap open. "Put your hands under it. Quick."
Sirius gave another useless kick against the pan, before placing his burned hands under the water.
"There. Well... I think we can throw them away." Remus said, looking hopelessly at the potatoes, filling the whole kitchen. He picked up the pan and started to put all the potatoes in it.
"I'll help you." Sirius said, starting to pick them up too.
"No, you just keep your hands under-"
"I'll help you!"
"OK. Fine." Remus said quickly.

After a minute, they had collected all of the dirty potatoes.

"What's that smell?" Remus said suddenly. The smell of something burning filled the kitchen, while dark smoke rose to the ceiling.
"Shit! The meat!" Sirius yelled, watching how the fat in the pan caught fire. He immediately grabbed a cup from the table, placed it under the tab for two seconds and threw the water in the pan.
The fire died... along with the meat.
"Nice!" Sirius spat while leaning against the dresser, panting.
Remus looked at him. A look of great compassion in his eyes. "It wasn't your fault, Sirius."
"Yeah, you tell her that."
They heard voices at the other side of the kitchen door.

::Chapter 6::

Molly, Arthur, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Fred, George, Bill, Charlie and Ginny entered the kitchen, filled with dark smoke and the smell of burned meat. Their cheerful chatting died.
Molly stepped forward. A look of horror on her face. "FOR HEAVENS SAKE! WHAT HAPPENED?!" She looked from Remus to Sirius.
"It wasn't my fault." Sirius muttered darkly.
She turned to Remus.
"Listen..." Remus started cautionly. "The pan with potatoes... it was very hot. It slipped and so they fell to the fl-"
"And who let it slip?!" Molly shrieked, clutching her fists in her sides.
"Well- Sirius did. But he-"
"YOU!" Molly yelled, looking livid, turning to Sirius again. "I'VE ONLY ASKED YOU TO LOOK AFTER THE FOOD-"
"AND I NEVER SAID I WOULD, DID I?!"
"YOU KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT, YOUNG MAN!"
"NO, IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO SHUT UP, YOU-"
Arthur stepped between them, which prevented Sirius finishing his sentence. Arthur spoke. To everyone's surprise, he sounded very calm, almost cheerful.
"Remus, Am I right if I say that dinner is no more?"
Remus turned to Arthur. "Er- yes that is correct."
"So... there's no way of saving the food for tonight?" Arthur asked even more cheerful.
"No chance at all. Why-"
"BRILLIANT!" Arthur said more joyful then ever. Molly turned to Arthur now.
"What do you mean, brilliant?!"
"Don't worry! It'll be fine! Why don't you just sit down, enjoy the funny shapes of the smoke and wait for me! I'll be back in about thirty minutes!"
They all watched thunderstrucked how Arthur opened a few drawers, muttering: "Now, were did I- Ah! There it is!" He pulled out a small bag.
He walked to the door, said: "Don't go anywhere!" and left.
"What is he planning to do?" Sirius asked, eyebrows raised, looking at the closed door along with the others.
"I hope something more intelligent then you just did!" Molly blurted out.
This time it was Bill's turn to come forward. "Come on. Why all the long faces? Dad said he'd take care of it. Let's trust him for this." He placed his arm around his mother's shoulders, taking her with him towards the table. "He told us just to sit down and wait."
He placed his mother on a chair and sat down next to her, as the others took seats too.
"We still have the salad..." Remus said carefully.
Molly gave him a dangerous look.
"So... what exactly happened?" Harry asked Sirius, who was sitting next to him safely at the other side of the table.
"Oh, Molly here, wanted me to cook!" He showed his burned hands.
"How?! By using your hands as a pan?!" Fred laughed, sitting at Sirius' other side.
Sirius told them what happened. Fred and George found it very amusing. To great annoyance of their mother. Sirius didn't mind... he liked every little bit of positive attention he got so few these days.

::Chapter 7::

After thirty minutes, the kitchen door flew open and an Arthur, looking as if he had just received the most rare plug in the entire universe, walked in, carrying six, white, plastic bags.
"Back! Oh, Molly, it was fantastic!" He said enthusiastically, putting the bags down on the table, the smell of food emerging from it.
Molly looked stunned. First at the bags, then at Arthur. "What's that? What are you talking about, Arthur?!"
"The Muggle Chinese Pick up Restaurant of course!"
"The what?!" They all said together, as Fred and George curiously peeked into the bags.
"The Muggle Chinese Pick up Restaurant! I always wanted to try it and this was the perfect occasion. Muggles use it when they don't feel like cooking. It's like a restaurant. A Chinese restaurant. You know, other people making food for you. Well, this one made it and put it all in bags so you can take it home! Isn't it brilliant?!"

Now everyone looked into the bags and took out the plastic boxes with rice, bami and saté.
"Cool!" Sirius said, looking almost as enthusiastic as Arthur did "Pocket food!"

That evening, they enjoyed eating Chinese... though Sirius had rather skipped this day.

("D'oh! You try and eat with burned hands!")