Bothering Voldemort!
Summary: Voldemort is back and the famous trio has to find a way to get rid of him using an easy button, a sniper, some angry Death Eaters, and Picasso! R&R!
Disclaimer: Hey, I don't own Harry Potter (either of them)… don't own any of the characters in this fic (as you can guess)… yeah, don't own anything.
(A/N) Read this fic… Tell me what you think. My friend said it sucked (straightforward and so bluntly, I might add). She gave me too many reasons why, but I managed to counter her insults towards this "masterpiece". Let me get a few things straight right now… It takes place a while after the end of the 7th book, Ron and Hermione are married (in case you forgot), so they live with a combo of magic and muggle stuff (like the TV, not Wizardnet), Ron has gained some IQ since the 7th book, anymore questions I'll answer if you ask them. Read…
"Where are we going, Ron?" Hermione asked suspiciously as she, Ron, and Harry continued to climb a huge mountain.
"Isn't it obvious?" Ron responded with a sly grin, "To the top."
Hermione sighed heavily. It was enough that they were long out of Hogwarts and their eternal job had been seemingly finished years ago. Now, they'd heard rumors that bad things had happened and they needed to fix it. But first, they needed to know what Ron was doing… and why.
"Okay, smarty-pants," Harry finally spoke up, "Why are you leading us to the top of this ridiculously large mountain?"
"That is a better question," Ron responded as they continued hiking, "You'll see when we get there."
Typical. Ron had said it was extremely important, so they would have to follow through. Then again, Ron's idea of "extremely important" was him not being able to find the TV remote control. Still, this didn't look like the underneath of the Weasley's couch. So, the three continued to climb in silence. By the time they'd reached three quarters of the way, it was almost nightfall.
"Hey, why didn't we use our brooms to fly up here?" Hermione asked, noting the pain in her legs from all the climbing.
"Because…" Ron answered as if it was the most obvious answer in the world, "…it would give us away." Not to mention the fact that he was still terrible on a broom.
"To who?" Harry asked, getting a weird prickling feeling on his forehead where his scar was.
"Shh!" Ron instructed, putting a finger to his lips, "We're here." They'd finally reached the top of the mountain. And not a moment too soon either.
"So, who are we supposed to be hiding from?" Hermione questioned in a whisper. Quite frankly, this was getting ridiculous.
"Them," Ron answered in a lowered voice as the three looked down at the gathering of Death Eaters in the valley below.
"Now, we can go over my newest plan to take over this universe!" a familiar booming voice echoed throughout the valley.
Everyone was silenced immediately and a large cloud of emerald green smoke erupted in the middle of the crowd. When it died down, they were surprised to find no one there.
"Where is he?" the Death Eaters muttered in confusion.
"Ahem!" came the voice again, "I'm behind you, geniuses!"
Every one of them turned around to see none other than Lord Voldemort, himself, staring evilly at them. "Hail, Lord Voldemort!" the Death Eaters chorused and the evil overlord laughed maniacally.
"Oh, brother," Harry groaned, "We have to get rid of him again?"
"I guess so," Ron stated with a sigh. This was getting to be a nasty habit. One that was time-consuming and less amusing as the years went on.
"Here," Hermione joined in their conversation and made something appear in her hand, "Do it the easy way." She handed Harry a red button on a black panel with white letters on it reading "easy".
"You want us to press this?" Harry asked, eyeing her curiously perhaps to see if she was joking, and Hermione smiled in response.
"Ooh, you press it and I'll say it," Ron stated excitedly, "Please, Harry?" In all honesty, he quite liked the idea.
"I'm going to enjoy this," Harry responded with a contemplative grin and slammed his hand down on the button. Immediately, a large black vortex opened up above Voldemort's head and sucked him straight off his feet, vanishing the second he disappeared into it.
"Wow, that was easy," Ron stated in his best imitation of the announcers on TV, "Do it the easy way. Get easy with the easy button."
"We sound like a really bad Staples commercial," Hermione said as a matter-of-factly, eyeing her carrot-topped companion a tad reprovingly, "And, Ron… you're not helping."
"I like staples," Ron protested, "They make dinging noises."
Although that statement seemingly had no relevance to their current situation, he decided it fit as a reference to the times he spent amusing himself by tossing staples into a ceramic bowl when he was bored out of his mind. If only this were one of those times he could relieve his stress by wasping the evil overlord in the back of the neck with a crumpled staple, since it was practically law that the vortex could only hold him for so long. Nonetheless, Ron had a feeling it would be an interesting turn of events for when their opponent did return, though it would only serve to give away their position… and he'd never hit the target with enough speed from this distance anyway.
He was brought out of his reverie when one of the Death Eaters, presumably Lucius Malfoy, suddenly pulled out an easy button of his own and hastened to press it. Immediately thereafter, another black vortex opened up and spat Voldemort out before disappearing again in the same manner as before.
"Why, thank you, my good fellow," Voldemort stated rather too kindly. Well, that seemed oddly out of character.
"Who is he and what has he done to the real Lord Voldemort?" one of the Death Eaters grumbled.
"Whoever he is, I want to personally thank him," another one said.
"It's me, you incompetent fools!" Voldemort cried out in frustration, "Can't someone lay down a joke to mess with his followers' heads?"
The others stared at him blankly, clearly fed up with this strange mind game and in some cases quite baffled by the situation. Yet none of them seemed to question where the first vortex had come from… Perhaps it was the doing of their leader in an attempt to confuse them further? They decided not to ask. It was bad enough that they'd been left hanging for several years without a clue as to the details of the goings on of their leader's endeavors. Why should now be any different?
The three on the top of the mountain sighed as they sat down and made themselves comfortable. "This might take a while," Harry pointed out and slammed his hand down on the easy button once again.
The sky opened up above Voldemort for the second time that night and didn't hesitate to suck him into the black vortex. In a moment of pure madness, they presumed, or perhaps an attempt to counter whatever force had initiated this ongoing battle with the sky, the Death Eaters simultaneously pulled out easy buttons and incessantly pressed them, unaware of the three on the mountain engaging in the same activity, themselves. Nevertheless, the Death Eaters carried on, violently pressing their individual buttons in spite of the fact that Harry, Ron, and Hermione had stopped to watch as Voldemort was shifted in and out of a swarm of black vortexes.
"Great," Ron complained as he sat back against a rock, "Even with the easy button, it still isn't easy."
"At least, we'll get a few more minutes to think up a new strategy," Harry stated with a frown. The entire situation was incredibly childish and literally not what he'd expected. What kind of force could honestly dictate this nonsensical spitefulness and sleep soundly at night?
Hermione thought for a second. "I think I might know how to do it," she finally stated and whispered to the others her well-thought out but risky plan. All she needed was a sniper and a silencing device. Easier said than done.
As though being pulled through time and space itself, Voldemort continued to zip in and out of the rapidly opening and closing vortexes down in the valley below. Ron nearly felt an ounce of sympathy for him, wondering for himself what it might be like to be tossed around like a rag doll through space in that manner. But that feeling was quickly forgotten as he took another look at the dark wizard's loyal servants.
"Wow, it's almost like they enjoy seeing him in pain," Ron stated in amusement.
"Well, they all basically live evil lives," Harry responded with a shrug, "What are they supposed to do in their free time?" Though that statement most probably wasn't completely true, he still felt good saying it.
"We know they stole our idea for the bad Staples commercial," Ron offered an answer to his rhetorical question.
"So, they'll get sued and we won't," Hermione muttered as she prepared herself for the next phase of their dicey extermination plan. She prayed to whatever force was out there that this time the evil wizard would stay dead.
After several moments, the Death Eaters tired of pressing buttons without finding a solution to this strange predicament, so they, too, stopped to watch Voldemort bounce around in and out of the vortexes. It didn't take long before their leader came to an abrupt halt and roughly crashed to the ground. Voldemort slowly and shakily stood up from where he'd landed and stumbled dizzily over to his followers.
"That… was… awful!" he yelled, not entirely sure if his head was spinning or if it was the world around him, "Don't ever do that again!" He pointed in a general direction, hoping he'd hit his mark rather than stabbing a finger at a rock or some other odd piece of nature in the valley surrounding him.
"Yes, master," a few of his more dedicated followers responded humbly.
Just then, there was a slight whirring noise and suddenly, Voldemort stood still… and keeled over.
Everyone stood there in varying amounts of shock. What… had just happened? Was this another trick or… had that episode with the vortexes taken a serious toll on him?
Lucius Malfoy walked over to the evil overlord and cautiously knelt next to him. After carefully examining the body, Lucius stood up slowly and turned to the crowd in disbelief. "Someone sniped him," he announced to his fellow Death Eaters, who immediately checked their wrists for their Dark Marks.
"And now for the full round," Hermione muttered to Ron and Harry as she lifted up the sniper rifle and took careful aim at her target down below. After a second of consideration, she shot a warning bullet first. It was probably a stroke of good grace that Lucius managed to jump out of the way just in time as Hermione suddenly shot round after round into the seemingly dead body.
"The Mark!" someone in the stunned crowd yelled, "It's gone!"
"Does that mean he's dead?" Bellatrix asked fearfully as if that was her greatest concern.
"Get the children out of here!" Lucius demanded as he did his best to escape the firing range, "They don't need to witness this."
Stumbling head over heels to get out of the vicinity of the shots, he landed backwards into Bellatrix, who was trying to gather all the children to the back of the group. She toppled over into Narcissa, who caught her before she could faceplant the hard ground. Immediately, Bellatrix pulled out of her sister's grip and turned on her brother-in-law.
"So, that's how you want to play the game, is it?" Bellatrix growled offensively and glared at Lucius, who stumbled to his feet in front of her.
"Calm down, woman!" Lucius stated, brushing himself off, "Every time something bad happens, you have to make it into a fight."
"Not so. Our Marks have disappeared, Lucius, and our master is dead!" Bellatrix bellowed, unaware of the ceased fire, "Shot through the head with a bullet. I'm not sure if you've been made aware of the seriousness of our predicament, but if that's not something to be concerned about, then what is?"
"The way you two argue is giving me a headache," Narcissa told them, shifting her gaze to stare coldly at her sister, "Besides… after what your master did to Draco, I am rather glad he's dead!" Her voice rose to a louder volume than she'd intended it to and everyone stopped to stare at her in shock as a dark shadow loomed over her. This was just the sort of thing that happened in movies. "He's behind me, isn't he?" Narcissa stated bluntly, for some reason unable to find fear in her so much as a sense of disappointment.
Everyone nodded and she sighed, preparing to turn around and face the one person she despised more than anything at this very moment.
"So, is that how you really feel?" Voldemort asked in a threatening voice.
"Darn!" Hermione grumbled to herself as she put down the gun in frustration. How had he managed to survive that? Anyone else would've been stone dead! Then again… she technically shouldn't have been able to use a gun, much less a rifle … But still, it just didn't add up.
"What…?" Ron spoke in dulled shock and confusion, seemingly on the same track as her.
"Why isn't he dead?" Harry asked, feeling for the first time in a long while a rising panic in the pit of his stomach. If magic hadn't killed the dark wizard to begin with like they'd thought and muggle weapons didn't work either… then… had their opponent somehow managed to obtain immortality after all? For the sake of humanity and his own peace of mind, Harry sincerely hoped not.
"I don't know!" Hermione muttered a response rather forcefully as she continued to analyze the situation, "But I think I somehow blew out his ear drums."
"Yes!" Narcissa boldly answered the evil overlord's question after finally finding her voice again.
"The Mark is back," Bellatrix pointed out to Lucius in a whisper.
He, in turn, sent her a "no duh!" look before returning his attention to the arising argument. If the price for his wife's rebellion were to be a life, should he step in and object? He worried himself with that thought as he waited for the dark lord's response.
"What did you say?" Voldemort shouted as though he were suddenly short of hearing, "I can't hear you!"
"I said, yes!" Narcissa repeated angrily. She would defy him a thousand times over for what he did and not a trace of regret would linger on her soul for as long as she remained on earth.
"What?" Voldemort questioned again, cupping a hand around the hole in the side of his head, where an ear should have been.
"If this is another of your tricks –" She glared at him coldly, though he cut her off before she could finish.
"Speak louder!" he continued to shout in a manner that was both irritating and incredibly absurd.
"I am speaking louder!" Narcissa screamed in response, already tired of the shouting match neither of them were winning, "I'm shouting at the top of my lungs!" Oh, if she could only do away with him now…
"Come again?" Voldemort questioned in an even louder voice than before.
Narcissa sighed in frustration, coming to the conclusion that this wouldn't end until one of them had screamed their throats dry.
"Read. My. Lips," she spoke firmly.
So, instead of further straining her voice, she stepped towards him, grabbed his wand, snapped it in half, and returned it to his hand. There. Damage done. She harrumphed at him and stomped on his foot before walking off to further escort the children away from the scene. They'd suffered more than they should have already at the dark lord's hand… and she would do her best not to let anymore harm come to them.
Not even wincing, Voldemort stood there staring blankly at the two halves of his wand. How had he not seen that one coming? But at least he could hear again (somehow)… and he had a plan.
"You think you've disarmed me, don't you?" he asked the crowd slyly, "Well, then obviously, you're mistaken!" Immediately, he summoned all of their wands, which flew from their hands and hovered in front of him in a threatening manner. "You should keep closer attention to your belongings," he added smugly. Clearly, if one of his followers defied him, then all of them must be plotting against his reign as well and they would pay for that. After all, he'd left them unattended for so long, it was bound to happen eventually.
"Here we go again," Ron stated tiredly and pressed the easy button… again. When would it ever end?
"This is going to be a long night." Harry sighed as another black vortex opened up above the dark wizard and sucked up the wands before instantly vanishing. Was there ever a time where Voldemort got bored of having his plans foiled repeatedly? Because right now, the "boy who lived" was pretty tired of constantly assuming the role of hero.
Voldemort sighed deeply in frustration. Yes, it appeared that maybe he was getting weary of the same pattern repeating every couple of years or so.
Narcissa pulled out another easy button, pressed it, and watched as another black vortex opened up above the evil overlord. Subsequently, the wands in the vortex hovered above his head, awaiting the right moment to attack.
Voldemort looked up and simply stated, "Oh, poop…" before he, too, was sucked into the vortex for the umpteenth time that night.
"Listen, fellow Death Eaters!" Narcissa announced not a second after the vortex had closed behind the dark wizard, "That beast has treated us as slaves and he has shown us no mercy. He has exposed and sacrificed our children to unfair cruelties that benefited none other than himself. Now is our time to stand up and revolt!"
"How?" one of the Death Eaters questioned.
"Yeah, he took our wands, dum-dum!" Bellatrix exclaimed with a sneer, "There is absolutely no possible way to get 'revenge' against someone as big, powerful, and intelligent as Lord Voldemort without our wands!"
Lucius shook his head at her and slapped her in the back of the head.
"What was that for?" she growled back.
"For years, I have called you 'sister', Bellatrix," Lucius began in a solemn tone, "but this is just sad. I had come to believe you were somewhat intelligent, but I suppose I was wrong about that."
Bellatrix glared daggers at him. Was that an insult… or a compliment? "What are you talking about?" she screeched, not knowing what to make of the situation. Where on earth could he possibly be going with this?
Lucius chuckled and pulled out his easy button. "This," he replied and everyone else fervently followed his example.
Bellatrix stood there, staring in disbelief. He couldn't be serious. "After all this time and many years of dedicated worship, you're going to turn on Lord Voldemort all at once?" Bellatrix questioned the crowd, "Not one of you wants to continue to please him?"
"You, my sister, can continue to please him the way you do," Narcissa responded with a grin, "The rest of us will settle it the way we want to. And we'll give you the remains."
"If… there's anything left of him," Lucius added, "And now… we revolt!"
On cue, each and every one of them (excluding Bellatrix, of course) pressed their easy buttons in perfect synchronization, which once again opened a million black vortexes that shot wands in and out of them. For lack of a better description, it appeared as though some invisible force had ripped holes in the sky and armed them with deadly weapons – just as one was repaired, another violently tore elsewhere close by to wreak its predecessor's bloody vengeance on the sorry soul that happened to be within the line of fire – to reveal a pitch black vacuum behind the visage of nightfall they were accustomed to seeing. It was quite a spectacular sight, to be entirely honest. Spooky, but impressive.
As Voldemort resurfaced from one of the vortexes, each wand zeroed in on its target, shooting jinxes and spells at the dark overlord as he screamed in pain. This continued as the evil wizard was tossed around through space as if dragged by an invisible string. Or maybe it would be better explained as a tennis ball being whacked rather harshly from each end of the court by two unbelievably rivaling teams at a speed that defied human capability.
"If I ever… ouch! Get out… ouch! Of this… ouch!" the dark lord's voice boomed as he was shifted through the storm of spells and rapidly moving wands, "You… all… will… pay!"
By the time he'd said that, he was appearing and disappearing so rapidly that Narcissa had to strain her eyes in an attempt to see where he was. Suddenly, without warning, all chaos ceased and Voldemort landed on the ground in a heap. His supposed minions didn't approach for fear of the fact that he was still somewhat alive. A peeved growl sounded from the evil overlord as he slowly stood up… and everyone shrieked in horror.
"What?" he demanded in mystified anger.
No one bothered to answer, each fearing his reaction to the knowledge that his face looked as though Pablo Picasso's abstract paintings had exploded on him. If they'd thought he looked rather ghastly before, then they were clearly reconsidering their appreciation for his previous inhuman-like features. The new image of their leader brought to mind the results of shoving someone's face in a blender and setting it to mix.
"Serves him right," someone muttered and pressed an easy button, summoning Picasso from his time period, "Paint him."
Without question, Picasso set to work. As he worked, he cast several cautious glances at his subject as though beginning to find the situation one of a horrible dream. Although it took some time, when the Spanish painter finally finished his masterpiece, he smiled grimly and held up the painting for the dark lord to see. "This is exactly how I picture you."
They all waited for what was bound to happen next, but to their surprise, Picasso had painted Voldemort perfectly to look as he did before the storm of spells mutilated his face. Picasso handed the evil overlord a mirror and watched his amusement fade to anger yet again.
"What?" he screamed and glared at the former Death Eaters, "What did you do to my face?"
"Blame Picasso!" someone yelled, jabbing an accusing finger at the painter.
"Oh, no. Another unsatisfied customer," Picasso muttered and sneaked off into the portal that would return him to his own time period.
"Why? He made the lovely painting. Now suffer for your crimes against me!" he yelled at them and raised their wands menacingly.
"Well… it looks like they're having fun." Harry sighed.
"Do you think it's worth going down there and joining them?" Ron asked, sharing a questioning look with his best mates.
"No. I think we should wait until they knock each other off," Hermione answered with a shrug, "Then we can get rid of whoever's left." In all honesty, she was quite done with this adventure.
"Smart girl." Ron smiled at her, agreeing entirely on that plan of action.
"I'd say we give them a few hours?" Harry stated. That should be long enough for them to wreak havoc on each other. Maybe they'd succeed in finally axing the dark wizard after all… and then they could go home and forget about this whole ordeal.
"I'll wager that." Hermione laughed. It had been a while since she'd done that.
So, the three set up camp on the mountain and watched the maze of spells and jinxes whiz back and forth in the valley below.
Ron paused a moment and looked at them in a sudden moment of realization, stating the last thing that was spoken between them for a while, "Why didn't we think of this earlier?"
Clearly, no one had an answer.
(A/N 2) Okay, how was it? I hope I answered some of your questions already and hopefully you won't give me that many flames, but I will except them if you give me a good enough reason for them. Oh, one more thing… Voldemort has come back (cuz he always does… and somehow he did even with his horcruxes destroyed) and the Death Eaters are sick and tired of him always doing that to them and making them seem like the bad guys. So, the reason they revolt is cuz they've seen the light thanx to Narcissa, who isn't directly stated if she's a Death Eater of not (personally, I think she is cuz she was hanging with them when Voldemort thought he killed Harry in the forest… so that's my theory)! If you have anymore questions, I'll be happy to answer them. If anyone wants to continue this fic for me, be my guest. I won't stop you cuz I for one am done with it. So, R&R! L8r!
EDIT:
Okay… Surely, it's irrelevant to say that this is the 9th thing I posted to my account (cuz I know no one but me actually cares about that), so let's redirect the subject to something… less boring.
Remember how I said I was done with this fic? Well… I lied. Not at the time, of course. But now I suppose it could be considered a lie… or at least a false statement. This drabble wasn't meant to be taken as a serious story cuz it could obviously never happen. But anyway… I'm definitely done writing it, though I've decided to include it in my New Year's "spring cleaning" and I corrected grammar errors, inconsistencies in the formatting, spelling errors, the works. *nods* I also added to the narration and dialogue quite a bit to fill it out and hopefully better convey the events of this little story. So, I hope it's an easier read now.
And in case you couldn't tell, I dumbed down the language a lot. The only reason this is rated T is for cartoon violence. But maybe T is a bit high of a rating for this, huh? Do you think it would be more suited as K?
Thank you, my 2 wonderful reviewers, for actually leaving me the first (and right now, only) bits of feedback! I'm glad you loved this silly little drabble. Heheh… I was actually surprised how quickly the first review came in. XD And for that, I'm ultimately grateful! =) I think I was watching Potter Puppet Pals around the time I came up with this ridiculous idea. O_o So, that might explain a bit…
Original Post: 6/25/08
Revised: 10/25/11 – 10/26/11
Reposted: 10/30/11