The Way He Looks At Me
I don't own or claim to own anything here.
The characters belong to Fox, and I do not profit from my stories.
This is a, well, WILL be a slash. Rated R for sexual content and language in later chapters.
Chapter 1
As Ryan trudged up the last hill home, not even close to breaking any kind of sweat caused by the walk from the Crab Shack back home, all he could think about was taking a loooong, hot shower and not having to think about anything at all. He just wanted to get away for just an hour, and have space to think about things.
No one in Newport could honestly say that they had had a hard life. Yes, Marissa sure has had one hell of a year, but before that and to date she was fine.
No one, with the exception on Ryan Atwood.
Everyone in Newport saw him as the strong but silent type, who stayed out of the lime light and towards the back of the room. But no one really understood what such a good looking, tough talking guy was so afraid of.
The fact that no one really understood him unnerved him a bit, but he knew that that was something he had brought upon himself. Or did he? He was still so confused about what to think about himself.
As he stepped into the shower and let the hot water wash over him, he couldn't push something that had been nagging him ever since some out-of-town girl was hitting on him at work, reminding him that he wasn't really into girls, not now anyway.
From the age of 5, Ryan's life in Chino was something that no child should had ever had to live through.
Ryan would always remember the fear he had lived with everyday, afraid of the man, no, correction, the scum that his mother might bring home each night.
He had always had to be afraid of them and even more so when he was 12.
But Ryan always looked up to his brother when he was younger. Following, imitating and pretending to be just like his big brother; that is until his brother brought him to a party one of his friends was having.
-Flashback-
At the time, Ryan was ecstatic. He couldn't wait to be around older kids, and just be able to hang out with them - Or so he thought.
From the beginning, a lot of the people there looked at him funny. He understood that it was odd that someone so young was at the party, but he didn't care, and he blew them off to follow his brother around.
As it got later in the night, he noticed people wandering off into bedrooms together. He knew what they would be doing, but was still curious. He set off towards the rooms, trying the handles and moving on when he felt that they were locked. He finally found a door that was unlocked, so he walked right in.
There were about 3 people in the room, but Ryan couldn't remember. In truth, he didn't want to remember.
Almost as soon as he walked in, he wanted to turn right around and leave. But he couldn't. Immediately, they shot up of the bed they were sitting on and grabbed Ryan by the back of the shirt and threw him onto sheets. He tried to look at them, but one of them slapped his face, and he buried his head into a pillow, wanting whatever was about to happen to stop and for the people to just go away.
Someone pulled his jeans clean off, and then ripped his underwear off too. He knew what was happening, but he knew to stay silent; "Let itself play through and maybe he wouldn't get hurt," he thought. He was dead wrong.
Ryan couldn't really remember what happened next, which was fine by him, since he didn't want to anyway. All he really could remember were waves and waves of indescribable pain. Not all of it occurred below his waist, seeing as how the last man, the one who wasn't raping him and the one who wasn't holding him down was hitting him all over, with punches and slaps and scratches on his back.
He had no idea how long it lasted, but it seemed like eternity. If only it was one person........maybe it would be easier to deal with. But once one of them was finished, they switched places and it started all over. Finally, after again what seemed like forever, another person started and was punched in the face and knocked unconscious.
Ryan came-to as he heard his brother yelling for him. He finally opened the door to the room Ryan was in and shouted a quick "Hurry up, its getting late and we need to get back!" before shutting the door and walking away.
He tried to stand, but found that his whole body was burning with such pain that it brought tears to his eyes. He fell in a heap onto the floor, hindered by the jeans and underwear that were still down around his ankles. He stood up as slow as he could to alleviate the pain, and pulled his pants back on. He limped to the door, and didn't look back.
-End Flashback-
As Ryan turned the water off, he couldn't help wishing that he had more. More of what he didn't know. He just knew that there was something missing.
He wrapped the towel around himself and stood in front of the bathroom mirror, staring at the lean 17 year old looking back at him. He realized what he wanted.
"Ever since that night, I don't know what to do with myself" he sighed as he turned to step out into his bedroom.
He sat down on the edge of the bed and placed his head in his hands as he continued to travel deeper in thought.
Ryan knew exactly what he wanted. He wanted for every person to know what he has had to go through, and how he felt. Not down to the last detail, but to the extent that they wouldn't treat him as they did now. Like the "macho man who can deal with anything" as Summer had once called him. He wanted to be able to feel normal around them, and be without the insecurities he was left with ever since that night.
He knew that he had feelings for guys. The kind of feelings that normal guys didn't have for others. But he also felt that way about girls. He knew he did. "Well, at least I'm pretty sure I do" he whispered under his breathe.
He had built his impenetrable facade 5 years ago, convincing himself that he wanted girls, and only girls. He told himself that every day and wouldn't allow himself to look at men in any way whatsoever. He knew that the slightest slip-up would cause him to break down.
Just like he did when he first got into Newport. Someone had actually cared about him and what was best for him. Someone wanted to help him. Someone had given him a better shot at life.
And that someone was Sandy Cohen. He knew he had grown into almost a second son in Sandy and Kirsten's eyes, and he himself felt that he was part of the Cohen family.
But Seth...... They had become best friends, brothers even, and spent so much time together that they themselves became family. But Ryan was always hindered about getting to close to anyone, in case they found out who he truly was.
Yes, Ryan felt he could trust Seth with his life, it was just that if anyone in Newport found out about who he really was he would never forgive himself. He didn't want to become what Seth was before Ryan came here. He didn't want to be the odd unwanted kid in the back of the room who was taking up everyone else's oxygen...
...but that was what he was now........almost, anyway. He could still remember how people like Marissa and Holly had looked at and treated him when he first arrived. He didn't want that - no, he loved his friends and was glad that they finally had accepted him.
But Seth, his one true friend, well, if he found out about what Ryan had gone through.... "I don't even want to think about what I would do if I lost him" he murmured as he started to feel his eyes filling with tears.
What Ryan really needed right now was someone to talk to. Someone who wouldn't judge him, and would still feel the same about him once he finished talking. He knew who he could go to, and the sooner the better.
Ryan stood up, quickly changed into a pair of sweats and t-shirt and walked right out of the pool house and headed into the house. "Should be home by now...." he thought to himself as he walked into the kitchen. "Ah hah! Found you!"
"What? Oh, Ryan, I thought you were Sandy!"
"Mrs. Cohen....can I talk to you about something?" Ryan quickly murmured. "Its kinda, ok, actually its really important. Do you have some time?"
"Of course!" she said, seeing the look on his face. "You know you can talk to me about anything" Kirsten smiled, and then pat the stool next to her. "Come sit"