catch-22
by abby
spoilers: none
category: ficlet
disclaimer: they don't belong to me, i'm only borrowing them; no money is being made
author's note: written for a character study challenge on livejournal; this ficlet was written in about 30 minutes and is completely unbeta'd
prompt: Nicholas Knight--redemption
He'll sometimes go for days ignoring the nagging voice in his head in favor of Natalie's as it whispers in his ear.
The voice in his head is unwaveringly pessimistic while Nat's is unwaveringly encouraging. One offers doubt and the other offers life.
From the first moment he met her Natalie has remained steadfast that his "condition" is a physical one. He wants to believe her with every fiber of his being. Why else would be he go along with her vitamins, medications, solid food regimes, and sun bed sessions. She has such faith in her science and that science will unlock the mysteries of his vampirism. So when she greets his arrival with a great big smile and unending enthusiasm, he holds his tongue to keep from voicing the concerns that sneak up on him during the day. He then buckles down as he tries to swallow the milky, chalky "shakes" she places in his hands.
But when he leaves the voice of doubt creeps back in. Natalie is treating his body but what about his soul? Science doesn't treat the defiled state his is in. So while Natalie examines his blood and all the physical data she's accumulated on him, Nick wonders about what would happen if she does indeed find some way to control the bloodlust and all the other physical identifiers of the vampire. Who then will tend to his spiritual well being?
Nick doesn't for a second believe that the last few centuries of good deeds, the 100 years since he's tasted fresh human blood, and his attempts to give back to humanity will be enough in his need to find absolution.
He needs his immortality to pay back for his transgressions but to remain immortal means to remain just out of salvation's grasp.
Nick let himself be seduced by LaCroix's promise of power and the intoxicating lure of Janette's passion. He turned his back on the one constant in his mortal life--his faith--and now almost 800 years later he's paying the price for his moment of weakness. If he dies now or 50 years from now as a mortal his soul is damned for all eternity. That's what he doesn't want to tell Natalie.
She might be able to save his body but his soul is another problem entirely. So for now Nick takes his garlic pills, works on his tan, and tries not to dwell too much on what will happen when he meets the God he turned his back on.
-30-