Some might call it a forbidden love and others would call it the impossible fruit. It was a desired bond that could never be in my grasp and foolish I was to pursue that dream. And now, after so many long wasted years and where the woman of my dreams had moved on to somewhere beyond my reach that I could finally pen down my swirling deep thoughts.
There was a bond between us, but it was this unfortunate string which tied us together that made my desired relationship impossible. The little wish of mine was one that even god could not even grant and the reason for that lay with my father and her father. They were blood brothers, which also meant that she, my love, was no one other then my cousin.
Blood was always thicker than water, and all this while being as close as relatives prove this point. Our relationship which I am desperately seeking was nothing but pain and desolation, no matter how I could ever try; finding love the status we belong in was nothing but a foolish dream and nonexistent hope.
Yet, how could I be free of those beautifully shaped eyes, how could I forget the subtle smile she used to give me when I was down, how could I ever stop loving her encouraging words and gentle pats on my backs telling me to do my best…
This writhing, wriggling nudging throbs in my soul, trying its best to make the right move; I know what I must do because I love her. And she is the one in my life; the only person could make me whole. She was the only person who could prove that my life was worth living.
That's why, three summers ago; I decided to leave for another country. My excuse was furthering my studies and all the others which I pulled up in haste, but I knew deep inside, I was trying to forget this forbidden love and relieve myself of agony.
Why then, did she appear that day…at the airport? Her face filled with tears, as she waved goodbye to her cousin – me. My emotions ran high as I walked through those gates, knowing that I would never see her again. And true enough, I never did see her again; since that day, I was just a shell walking on the face of earth. There was nothing inside me, and my soul was empty to the bottom. Every day was a drag, morning became nothing but a chore and long nights was torture.
I was a coward then, running away was my only option.
If I had known that it was not the only thing I could have done.
She might have still been with me, spending some wonderful last days together.
For she, without my knowing, harbored the same love that I did for her.
Only to face it when she was so close to death by an illness that robbed her away.
As she took her final breathe, she wore a subtle smile and held my cold shaking hands.
"I Love you…" She whispered before parting.
Almost immediately, all my memories which I had kept of her locked somewhere in darkness resurfaced.
I was a coward… for loving her, for leaving her with nothing precious.
My beloved Joan.