Set post Twilight and also post Kill Ari (1 and 2). It's a letter (what do you call them, letterfics?? Any ideas let me know!) This is my second fic (that I have uploaded!), so be nice. Not that I object to criticism. Anyway this is for the girl with the 'beautiful eyes' from the girl with 'the voice of an angel with a chest infection'. Mucho love.
I've wanted to write one of these for ages!! I think it's a disclaimer. But hell, I don't know. Anyway all I own is three balloons, a bendy green straw and a broken phone charger. I don't happen to own NCIS or the characters, unfortunately!
Kate Todd
C/o God
Heaven
Somewhere up there
Dear Kate,
How is heaven? I hope it's warm and sunny and you've got all those cute little freckles sprinkled lightly across your nose like you get in summer when you've been out sunbathing for too long…
Please come back to me.
If I told you how much everyone missed you, would you find a way back to us? Find a way back to me? Because I miss you Kate. Since you left me I've been empty; my heart is stone cold and I don't feel anything anymore. Except for pain. A dull aching pain in my chest that reminds me every second that you're gone and there's no way to ease it. The truth is Kate, part of me died with you. And I wish it had been me instead of you. I wish it had been your face splattered with my blood and me lying on Ducky's autopsy table. I wish I'd had the sense to look up and check that there was no one left. I wish…
I have given up on wishing. It doesn't bring you back.
I guess I should probably mention Ziva. She's your 'replacement' except nobody says that. They just think it. Every time I look up at your desk I almost forget you're gone… but then I see her face and my heart sinks. She's nice Kate, you'd like her, but she's not you. And that's the point; it's never going to be you. The first few days were the hardest, every time someone said your name or something that reminded me of you I would run away and I would be sick. And then I had to go and see you in autopsy. That almost killed me. And I almost wish it had.
And now you're six feet under and all I want is to be lying there with you.
Now I should tell you about Ari. The bastard's dead Kate, shot dead in Gibbs' basement. I hoped that it might bring me some form of closure. It didn't. I just wish I'd been the one to kill him. I would have made him suffer for what he did to you. But when I saw his body… nothing. He was just another dead body to me.
You were the light in my life and now I'm living in darkness.
I want you back Kate. I want you back so badly. Your face haunts my nightmares when I do sleep and I haven't eaten for days. I'm not me anymore, I'm just a mess. And I know that maybe someday in my distant future I will fall in love again and I will give my heart to someone other than you, but you were my first love. I swear I will never ever forget you. And for now however hard I try to tell myself that you're gone, you've still got hold of my heart, Kate.
So finally, what do I do now?? You always knew what to do. Do I carry on and right the wrongs in my life and hope that when my time comes your God takes pity on me and lets me into heaven? Or do I take the coward's way out? Do I give up? If there is a heaven and you're there then I know I will never see you again, I'm off to hell for sure. But if there isn't, what have I got to lose?
I love you Kate. I wish I could say I will live every day for you, but I can't, I'm hardly living for myself. And you know that I can't live without you. Forgive me.
Tony
xx
Tony put his pen down. And he read what he had written. It was pure crap, but that was only to be expected. How would he get a letter to Kate? He almost laughed at his own stupidity. Kate was dead. And you don't get postmen in heaven. And anyway he wasn't even sure if there was a heaven or a hell. Or even a God. If there was a God then he must really hate him. What if there was a heaven and Kate was looking down at him right now laughing at the mess he had become? What if she'd never cared about him.
What If…
Then he thought of Kate and her unquestionable faith. But what if there's nothing out there. What if I was right and she was wrong, and when it all comes down to it, after you die you're just another nameless, faceless corpse buried in a wooden box under a pile of earth and the only people who remember you, or ever think of you again are the ones you left behind. And when they die you are forgotten, unless of course you did something great to help the world.
And Kate, though she hadn't given anything in particular to the world she had given something to him. She had taught him how to fall in love and get over all of his issues with commitment. She had held him close at night and told him that she loved him. And she had comforted him the few times that everything had got too much and he just couldn't take it anymore. It was ironic looking back now; how he had told her that 'she was an angel' every time she did something that helped him.
Tony felt his head go fuzzy. His ears filled with the sound of gunshots and he watched the gruesome scene play out in his mind. The bullet hit Kate and she collapsed. He wiped his forehead clean of her blood. He looked at Gibbs and his eyes were filled with hatred, anger and another emotion that Tony couldn't quite place. He had watched this scene in his head over and over again and yet he didn't know whether what he was watching really happened, or was a distorted version of the truth.
All he did know was that Kate was dead. He couldn't bring her back. And that he should have died in her place.
He got up and walked out of his apartment and towards his car. Maybe a drive would help to clear his thoughts.
Tony drove aimlessly around the blocks of apartments, his head still filled with her face. Kate laughing at a stupid joke, Kate getting a death stare from Gibbs, Kate when she'd just heard a stupid remark that he had made, so many Kate's running around in his head. But at the forefront of his mind was dead Kate, Kate with a bullet hole through her head lying on Ducky's autopsy table. The Kate that wasn't really Kate, but a shell of what she had previously been.
Suddenly bright white light filled his eyes. He heard the beep of a horn and the crushing of metal. And then he was still.
Sooooo… what do you think? I guess I got a bit carried away at the end do apologies. Anyway enjoy! And please, please, please review!!