Warnings: Slash, Wincest
Pairing : DeanSam
Disclaimer: I own nothing! nada, zip. Got it?
Little One Shot from when i got bored.
Sam had known for a long time that their would be consequences for his actions and the actions of his brother. That the consequences would crop up and they wouldn't even see them coming. He tried tell himself that it was worth it, that they would get through it as long as they were together. He should of known that nothing in the Winchester family ever came about easily. Sam sighed and ran a hand shakily through his hair, causing it to stand on end at odd angles. He sat with his legs crossed in front of him on the bed in the motel room they were currently staying at. It was only a cheap motel but it did its purpose, its not like they could afford anywhere else. This never bothered Sam in the slightest though, he had gotten used to these sorts of rooms over the years and the company certainly made up for it.
It taken the brothers months of travelling on the road together for them to realise what was going on. Both had tried to hide it at first, not willing to admit to anything. It got to a point where it was driving them insane. Sam sighed. He remembered it all too well. When he had left for college, he had tried and tried to forget about Dean and the feelings that he had about him. He had even met someone else, someone that he was sure that he loved. Maybe not as much or in the same way as he had Dean but he loved them all the same. Jessica. She had been all he could of hoped for after Dean. She was someone who could make him laugh, make him smile when he didn't want to. She was a safety net. He had loved her, but she was never the same. For a while at least though, he was happy. Then it was over. He should have been able to stop it but he couldn't. She died, burnt on the ceiling just like his mother. Taken away from him. Brutally, suddenly. The last thing he had expected when he awoke to see her dying in front of him was the appearance of his brother.
That was exactly what had happened though. Amidst the flames and the smoke he had felt a pair of hands roughly pull him from the burning room and haul him out of the building. Dizzy from the smoke he had barely dared to believe that it was Dean's voice he could hear, Dean's hands checking him over for injury and Dean being the one to hold him while he cried for Jessica. He hadn't cared how or why he was even there, just that he was. Eventually though he had questioned his brothers appearance. Typical Dean he had tried to ignore the conversation and avoid it, but Sam was highly persuasive when he wanted to be.
"I just had a bad feeling, that you were going to need me." He had said eventually, looking slightly embarrassed at the same time. That was one thing that Sam loved about Dean, the way he would get embarrassed over any type of sentimental moment. Things had been good for a while, both dealing, both coping. Then things got hard. It was hard to tell who started to change first but soon it didn't even matter. Small arguments turned into massive rows, small differences in opinion became major disagreements. Every other word driving the other brother up the wall. Sam could remember looking at his brother and just wanting to punch him for even the most stupid of reasons. Looking back now it made him laugh, but at the same time, it was maddening. He could tell even then by looking at Dean that he was finding Sam just as annoying, just as grating and infuriating. Both too stubborn to even consider that their reasons could be the same as each other.
It was difficult to say who had made the first move. One would say it was the other but the truth was probably closer to both. It had been after a hunt, a nasty hunt at that. They were just outside Colorado checking up on a haunting at some decrepit hotel. Turned out the ex owner had a habit of checking in visitors and not letting them leave. Any time someone tried to re open the hotel he would surface. Over twenty years there had been roughly twelve deaths, each the same. Eyes gouged out and hung from the drafters from the ceiling. To quote Deans words, "Spirits always come up with the most disturbing ideas." That was just like Dean. Well they had tracked the spirit down of course as well as his remains, conveniently buried in the hotel grounds. Needless to say the spirit didn't quite like the idea being stopped and Sam found himself fighting off having his eyes forcefully removed. If it hadn't of been for Dean he might of succeeded.
Sam would never forget the look on his brothers face when he had all but run to find him, leaving the bones smoking behind him. It wasn't that Sam was particularly hurt. At a best guess he would say that things had just reached it's limit. Hands gripping the side of Sam's face, Dean had looked his little brother over, sighing in relief that none of the injuries looked severe. It had shocked Sam when he had found himself pulled into Dean's arms. Dean never hugged anyone.
"God Sam." Dean had whispered out, clutching to Sam. "Don't do that again."
It seemed to happen in a split second but when Dean pulled back, his head stayed inches from Sam's. Both could feel the others breath on their faces. Their eyes had locked, piercing and calculating, it was like all the arguments and the fights didn't matter, didn't even happen. Like he said, Sam didn't know who made the first move, but it didn't matter for moments later Deans lips were on his and his on Deans. The first kiss had been soft and slow, just mouth against mouth. As corny as it sounded, the first thing that Sam thought was that Dean's lips felt like silk. Dean had pulled away first, his head moving just far enough back for him to look Sam in the eyes.
"Sam?" He had asked. Its weird how one word could hold so many questions in it.
"I'm sure." Sam had replied, hoping that he answered all of his brothers questions in one go.
Dean's face had split into one of his trademark smiles, his teeth flashing white. Sam had smiled back before leaning back in. Meeting half way their lips had met again. This time more heated and more demanding. With a flick of Dean's tongue Sam gained him entrance, marvelling at the taste of Dean. Somehow he always tasted slightly of beer and something that was completely Dean that he could never put his finger on. The kiss had been exploring, mapping out the contours of each others mouths, learning what every spot felt and tasted like. Only when air became an issue did they break apart. As much as Sam would of willingly given himself to Dean right there and then that night, looking back he was glad that Dean had a sensible head on him at least. Somehow Dean had known that if Sam was even in half of his right mind he wouldn't want to rush. He loved Dean even more for that. They had taken things slow after that night. Basking in the simple fact of not having to hide their feelings. To be able to not have to resist every urge to kiss the other person, to explore their mouths. Even the simple idea of not having to hide looking at each other anymore. Sam couldn't ever remember being happier.
That had been before though. Before everything started to change yet again, not in a good way this time. The consequences that Sam had always known would be there started to rear there ugly head. The worst part? He wasn't even sure that Dean noticed this, paid attention to it. Then again, it wasn't that they had a problem, more than they were causing a problem. For a while Sam thought that he was the only one noticing it because he was, well, because he was Sam. The over sensitive one. For months he tried his best to ignore it and forget. When did that ever work. So he went over and over everything and that was how he ended up in this motel, alone, about to make the hardest decision of his life. Dean was out, he was glad about that, it would be easier this way. The conclusion that Sam had come to? As much as it pained him to say it, to admit it to himself, he knew he was right. He was a burden to Dean. He was a danger, a risk and a weight.
Sam didn't just come to these conclusions over night. It had been one thing after another. He guessed the first time he had become fully aware of this was a few months into their relationship. Bored out of their skulls, Dean had begged over and over for them to go out.
"Come on Sammy, it'll be fun." He whined. Sam was the only person he would whine around.
"Then you go." Sam said, ushering with a hand for Dean to leave. He was busy searching through sites on the internet for a lead on their next case. Things had been a little quiet lately and he didn't like it.
"But it'll be more fun if you come." Dean said, smiling cheekily as he wrapped his arms around Sam from behind, resting his chin on his younger brothers shoulder.
"I'm working." Sam said, not taking his eyes off of the screen.
"You work too much." Dean replied, bringing his lips to Sam's neck, brushing them softly over the spot where it reached his shoulder. He smiled as he felt Sam shudder. Sam always went weak at the knees when he did this. He brought his lips to trail up and sucked gently on the lobe of Sam's ear, earning a satisfying moan from the man. Reaching a hand forward Dean shut the top on the laptop.
"Still want to work?" He whispered into Sam's ear.
"Maybe, we can go, just for a while." Sam surrendered, turning to capture Dean's lips fully.
"That'a boy Sammy." Dean grinned when they broke apart, pulling Sam up from his chair.
That night they had journeyed a short way down the road to the local bar. It was your average place, just like any that they had been to before. After the first few rounds of beer, Sam was starting to feel more relaxed and actually enjoyed being out. Dean of course, was his usual self after a few drinks in him. Loud, jolly and worst of all in a packed pub, flirty. For a good ten minutes Sam had to struggle to keep a straight face as Dean insisted on letting his hands wander under the table. Eventually giving up, much to the relief of Sam, he had stood and pulled Sam to his feet. A few people in the pub were dancing along to an old jukebox and it seemed that Dean had decided that they were going to join in.
"Dean, not here." Sam hissed as Dean wrapped his arms around Sam's neck. They had decided for now at least to keep their relationship a secret when they were out, Sam convincing Dean that he didn't want the attention. Plus, they both knew that not all people were as open minded as they were.
"Aw but Sammy, I want to dance." Dean slurred, running a hand over the back of Sam's neck. Sam couldn't help but feel his stomach flutter. He never could resist Dean when he wanted something so it wasn't really a surprise when he found himself on the dance floor, his arms around Deans neck and Deans hands laying softly on his hips. He had loved the way Dean had smiled that night, how he had looked at Sam while they moved and the softness in his expression.
"I love you." Dean had whispered, leaning into Sam's neck.
"I love you too." Sam smiled. It was shocking how quick a night could change.
"Get a room faggots!" A voice had suddenly called. There was no doubt it was aimed at them as everyone in the pub stopped to stare at them. Dean leant back from Sam to see a group of four blokes, glaring at them from a few feet away.
"What did you say!" Dean snapped, his hands falling from Sam as he turned to face the group.
"Dean don't." Sam hissed.
"I said, get a room, faggots!" The man repeated, sniggering along with his friends.
"I suggest you shut your mouth." Dean threatened, taking a step towards the group.
"Oh we're scared aren't we boys. Why don't you and your little slut here get out!" A second man yelled, holding a bottle up as if in threat. Sam could see a fist fight coming here as clear as anything and quickly jumped forward to stand in front of Dean.
"What did you call him!" Dean yelled, anger ridding any signs of the alcohol he had just consumed.
"Just leave it Dean." Sam begged, trying his best to steer Dean towards the door.
"Did you hear what their saying Sammy!" Dean said.
"Yes and we're leaving."
"Go on little Sammy, take big boy home." The blokes sneered, apparently satisfied that they had won.
"We're going so you can stop now." Sam snapped at the men, starting to get annoyed himself.
The main man of the group laughed and stepped forward. His steps were slow and he continued to smile evilly as he approached the two brothers. Sam could still feel Dean trying to push Sam out of the way but Sam was stronger, at least when Dean was foggy from a few beers. Even if his head had seemed to recover, didn't mean his body had.
"What if we don't want to." The man sneered. It happened so quick that Sam didn't have a chance to think about raising an arm to protect himself. A fist connected with the side of his face and he was knocked with such force sideways that he fell onto a near by table, crushing it in the process. He could feel blood welling up in the side of the hit and could see dots dancing before his eyes.
"Sam!" Dean cried, rushing to his side. "Sam, you okay?" He asked panicked when Sam seemed to find it hard to focus.
"Yeah." Sam said weakly, tying to blink his daze away.
"Bastard!" Dean yelled, spinning round and charging at the man who had attacked Sam. Sam tried futilely to grab Deans arm but he was still too dazed to manage it. Dean landed the first punch, sending the man falling to the floor in a familiar manner to how Sam had. Spitting out a little blood the man was back on his feet and charging at Dean, knocking him to the floor, punches landing all over his face.
"NO!" Sam cried, as the three other men joined in on Deans attack. Dean was good, but this was just outright unfair. Sam tried with all his might to climb to his feet and swayed, nearly falling again when he finally managed it. He rose just in time to see Dean being hauled rather roughly out of the bar door. It amazed Sam to no end how cruel people could be. Out of all the demons and creatures that he had hunted, sometimes people could be the worst of them all. Not once did anyone in the bar make an attempt to stop the men. Not once did anyone speak a word. They all just turned their heads and let it go. It made Sam feel physically sick. Sam reached the outside just as Dean was chucked to the ground. The men laughed viciously and walked back to the bar, thankfully not paying any attention to Sam.
"Dean! Dean!" Sam called, dropping to Dean's side. Covered in bruises, Deans face was a mess, one eye swollen closed already and his lip cut and bleeding down his chin. By the way he was breathing it looked like he had damaged at least one rib as well, maybe even more.
"Come on Dean, wake up." Sam pleaded, bringing Deans head to rest on top of his lap. "Please, wake up Dean, wake up." Sam could feel tears running down his face and he had no control over stopping them from continuing to fall. As a single tear fell and landed onto Deans cheek, his brothers unswollen eye eased itself open, staring confused up at Sam.
"Sam?" Dean croaked out.
"Oh god, Dean." Sam smiled in relief, tears still falling slowly but steadily.
"Hey, don't cry Sammy. I'm okay." Dean tried to sooth, sitting himself up, poorly disguising the sharp stab of pain in his rib. Sam really was good at guessing what was injured.
"I'm sorry Dean." Sam choked out.
"Weren't your fault Sammy." Dean said softly, bringing Sam into his arms and cradling him against his chest.
Sam hadn't been able to forget that night easily, and even now, he had never really gotten over what had happened, what had nearly happened. For one thing, he had to struggle back then to keep Dean in his bed to give his ribs a chance to heal properly. Dean never was one for bed rest, unless, as he liked to say, he had is Sam pillow with him. He really could be a soppy bloke sometimes. Dean had spent the entire time trying to sneak out of the room or trying to fuss over Sam. Sam was fine though and would shoo Dean back to bed. He was fine, at least physically. As much as he tried not to he could not help but blame himself for what had happened. If only he had stuck with his research, chances are Dean wouldn't of even gone to the bar. At least if he had of still gone, he wouldn't of been seen as a couple with Sam. If he had of just put his foot down with Dean, told him they couldn't dance, they wouldn't of gotten themselves noticed. If he would of just pushed Dean from the bar as soon as the first insult was flung then he would never of started a fight with the men. All Sam had was ifs. If he wasn't around, Dean wouldn't get hurt.
He knew that Dean knew what he was thinking. What Sam didn't know was the many nights after that chaotic event, Dean would like awake, watching Sam. He was worried. He knew that Sam was blaming himself, that was just the way the boy was. He knew he couldn't do anything to change his mind, he would just have to wait until he got past it. That didn't stop him from having many a sleepless nights. Yet it didn't change the fact of the matter or the train of thoughts that went through Sam's head.
Sam's first conclusion: When he was around, he got Dean hurt.
Thinking about it, even now, still sends shivers down Sam's spine. Sadly to say, it didn't stop there. Sam sighed and stood up from the bed, not being able to stand sitting still any longer. Pacing the room, he anxiously ran his hand through his hair yet again. Some part of him wants beyond anything for Dean to walk back through the door, to force him not to make this decision. He knows Dean is not coming though, he will be gone a good hour at least, he had made sure of it. It may have been the only time in public that he got Dean hurt, but it certainly wasn't the only time period.
Many a hunts Dean had come out the other side with some sort of injury. It was always because of the same thing. Saving Sam, protecting Sam. Being distracted by him. Sam couldn't stand the fact that Dean didn't even seem to care about protecting himself. In his eyes, Sam was more important. How he wished he could make Dean realize that it was not true. Dean was more important than anything Sam could ever remember, more important than their job, more important than their dad even. Yet still, Dean still insisted on putting himself in harms way. Jumping in front of shots and hits, luring the multiple creatures away, using himself as bait. Sam can remember the most recent time. It's the same old story.
They were searching through a forest just on the edge of Iowa, were they had heard reports of various bear attacks. Except the M.O did really match a bear. Sounding like one of their gigs they had found themselves hot on the trail of a Wendigo. Nasty beats at the best of times but they just had to turn up at night. The Wendigo was a near perfect hunter during the day, at night, it was better. He can remember Dean telling him to circle round, hoping to trap the beast in-between them. That's when everything had gone upside down. See the beast was smarter then they gave it credit for. Doubling behind them, it had attacked Sam from behind, rendering him unconscious before he even got a word out. Dragged back to the Wendigo's cave, he had awoken to the putrid smell of half eaten bodies and blood. He had almost gagged on the spot.
Dean had searched for hours to find Sam, calling out his name constantly. It had been three hours in total when Dean finally stumbled upon the liar. Well, fell through the ceiling more like. Sam could of cried in relief.
"Sam!" Dean had cried out, rushing over and trying to unlock the shackles on Sam's arms.
"You have to get out of here." Sam had said, his voice hoarse and weak. He didn't want Dean to leave, but he knew the beast would be back any minute now.
"I'm not going anywhere without you Sammy." Dean had said sternly, finally getting one hand unlocked. Sam had tried to force more words out but couldn't. It was only when he could see a shadow growing from across the room that he knew they were in deep shit.
"Dean!" He had yelled, causing his brother to spin round in alarm. Lashing out, the Wendigo stuck Dean sharply round the face, throwing off his feet as easily as anything. Sam had struggled with the little strength he had left to free himself fro the last shackle. It cut roughly at his wrist but he knew he had to get out to help Dean. The creature roared and pounced, its hands, claws, connecting viciously with Deans skin. Dean cried out in pain. Finally Sam fell to the floor, his hands free.
"Run Sam!" Dean had yelled as soon as he knew that Sam was free. Sam had stared at him like he was an idiot. How could he possibly leave Dean to deal with this thing on his own! The creature had turned its head as it sensed that its prey was not captive anymore. Dean had struggled to stop it charging but it had paid no mind to him, lunging full force at Sam.
"Sammy!" Dean cried, forcing himself up off the floor as Sam's shoulder was ripped at, blood oozing freely. Dean had searched around frantically for his bag. Grabbing it he quickly he pulled out the flare gun he had packed inside. He could not believe he had left it to the side in the first place. The phrase, what was he thinking came to mind. Well he knew the answer to that. He was thinking that he needed to get to Sam. The only thing a Wendigo was afraid off was fire, the only thing that was capable of killing it. Bullets did nothing, they were about as useful as cotton wool. Firing the gun, he had caught the creature square in it's back. With one last roar, it was gone.
It had taken Sam ages to get Dean to stop fussing over his injury. Once again, Dean had come off of the worst but was still more concerned than Sam. Sam couldn't stand it. If he wasn't stupid enough to get himself captured in the first place then Dean would not of needed to save him. This exact same thing seemed to be a regular occurrence though. Sam needing saving.
"It isn't your fault." Dean had always tried to reassure him. He had even tried to make a joke over it. "Man, you must smell really tasty or something." Sam hadn't found it funny in the slightest. For not only was he noticing that he was always getting captured, but he noticed that Dean's hunting was starting to suffer for it. Always concerned with finding Sam, Dean was letting his guard down, forgetting the most basic of things. It was getting him hurt. Sam found this laughable, as per usual, Sam was getting Dean hurt.
Sam lashed his foot out at the nearest chair and collided with the leg, he ignored the stab of pain on the end of his foot. He couldn't let this keep happening to Dean anymore. Full of determination, Sam walked over to his duffle bag and pulled an envelope, opening it, he pulled out a piece of paper. Writing already strewn across it, he read his own words. He hoped that Dean would read it and understand. That he would realize that this was for the best. Taking the paper, he folded it carefully. In true chick flick fashion, he pressed a kiss lightly to the letter. It made him feel better, if only a little. Walking towards the bedside table, he placed it leaning against the lamp, where he knew Dean would see it easily. The last thing he wanted was for Dean to think that he just left without ant sort explanation. He could never be that cold hearted.
Grabbing his already packed bags, Sam paused as he reached the doorway. Part of him still could not believe that he was doing this. He knew if he did not leave now, he would never do it. He knew he had to get far enough away that Dean wouldn't be able to follow him. He was glad that there were many roads in and around the small town they were in.
"I'm sorry Dean." Sam whispered gently to the empty room, before closing the door behind him, stepping into the cold air of the night. Fitting, that the air was as cold as he was being.
--
Chucking his keys on to the side, Dean saw that Sam wasn't in the room. He checked the bathroom but found that empty as well. He frowned and stood in the centre of the small room. He had only left to go and hustle them up some more money, Sam had insisted on staying behind. Saying that he was tired. There was no signs of a struggle and the salt lines were completely in tact still. He was about to get out his phone and try ringing Sam when something caught his attention to the side. Walking over to the nightstand, he picked up a piece of folded paper. His name was scribbled across the front. Not even knowing why he was becoming nervous, Dean opened it with trembling hands.
"Sammy, no…" He breathed out as his eyes scanned the carefully written letter. "No!" He yelled, letting the letter fall from his hands. Dean was out of the door before it even hit the floor. Roaring the engine into life, he pushed the accelerator as hard as possible without the car stalling. Not caring how many speed limits he was breaking, he tore down the road, hoping beyond hope that Sam would head to the motorway like he had guessed. He didn't know how he would find him otherwise. He had no clue how long ago Sam had left but Dean had been gone over an hour from the room. He could be ages away by now.
"I'm not letting you leave Sammy." Dean said out loud, more as a promise to himself, as he finally hit the motorway. All the way, his eyes searched for any sight of his brother. In his mind, he went over all the words in Sam's letter.
"It's not your fault Dean… you'll be better off without me, safer… don't try and find me… I've cost you too much already… I'm sorry Dean."
Well Dean wasn't buying it. Not one word of it. He could not understand where this had all come from but he knew it wasn't Sam. Not his Sammy. He had thought they were good, that they were happy. Of course things got dangerous, that was the nature of their job, but did Sam honestly think he would be safer without him? No, he wasn't buying it.
It took a good five minutes more until Dean finally caught sight of someone on the road. His heart skipped a beat and somehow he knew it was Sam even before he was close enough to look. Slowing the car down until he was beside the person he sighed in relief. It was Sam. Whether he was ignoring the car or hadn't even heard it, Sam didn't stop, nor did he look to see who was driving the car.
"Sam!" Dean called out. Sam carried on walking but Dean saw him close his eyes tight and then blink them open. Yeah, he definitely knew Dean was there.
"Sammy." He tried again, trying to get Sam to stop and look at him. He kept on walking though. Dan huffed and sped the car up, bringing it to swing round directly into Sam's path. Only then did Sam finally stop, though he didn't look at Dean.
"Just stop Sam." Dean demanded, halting the engine and climbing out of the car. Stopping a few feet in front of Sam he looked his little brother over and was glad to see that he wasn't hurt.
"Wanna explain what the hell is going on?" He shot at his brother. Sam shuffled his feet nervously and turned his head away.
"Just go Dean." He said quietly, before walking round and past the car.
"Hey!" Dean yelled, chasing after Sam. "Don't you just walk away from me."
"I already am Dean." Sam called over his shoulder.
"Well don't, just stop." Dean demanded. His demand fell on deaf ears though as Sam just carried on walking. Dean was beyond confusion at this point, Sam had never walked away from him like this. Sure, they had argued and fought, but Sam always insisted on talking about it, all those chick flick type moments. Now he was just walking away.
"STOP!" He yelled, running the short distance between them and grabbing Sam by the shoulders. "Stop." He repeated more softly.
"Let me go Dean." Sam said forcefully, trying to pull himself out of Deans grip. Dean let his hands be pulled off and stood, a little bit surprised but glad that Sam hadn't moved from the spot though he wasn't held down anymore.
"Why did you have to follow me." Sam muttered, almost to himself.
"Because I don't understand Sammy."
"It's Sam."
Dean flinched at the tone. He always called Sam Sammy, always.
"Okay, Sam." He played along.
"Just let me leave." Sam said, raising his eyes for the first time to meet with Dean's. Dean felt his heart stop in his chest. Bloodshot red, Sam's eyes were rimmed with tears, both fallen and unshed ones. It was clear he had been crying his whole walk. Bringing his hands up slowly, he gently cupped Sam face and used his thumbs to wipe away the tear trails.
"Not a chance." He all but whispered.
Sam shook his head and willed the tears to go away. He should of known he would never of got away this easy, that Dean would never listen to him and would come after him. He was stupid if he thought Dean would change a habit of a lifetime and listen. He wanted so badly to just forget what he was doing, to fall into the arms in front of him, to give in. Deans fingers ran softly over his cheeks, wiping away the many tears that he had shed. He tried to pull back but Dean's fingers made his face tingle with warmth. Made him feel calm. This was exactly why he left when he knew Dean would be far away. He could never walk away from Dean, could never push him away, he knew Dean could always change his mind on anything. He felt more tears start to fall and vaguely felt himself being pulled closer to the body in front of him, hands running soothing circles on his back.
"Ssshh, it's ok, Ssshh." Dean soothed. He could feel Sam shaking against him and the sobs racking his body.
"I have to go." Sam sobbed over and over. Dean heard him but didn't let go. Sam didn't make any attempt to move either, just continued with his plea. Dean felt lost and useless. He didn't know where to even begin to start fixing this. Whatever this was. The feel of Sam trembling against him was pure torture. He did the only thing he could and held onto him, trying to convey that he wasn't going to let him go.
"You should of just let me leave." Sam choked out, trying to control his sobs. He couldn't do this crying, he needed to be strong. "You should of just forgot about me."
"I don't want to forget you Sam, I want to help you." Dean said softly. He felt Sam push against him and let his arms drop as Sam stepped back. Sam laughed. It wasn't a happy laugh, it was an empty laugh. Cold.
"Help me? Dean, I'm trying to help you."
"Me?" Dean asked, confusion laced in his voice. His mind automatically wandered back to the letter from the motel room, going over the words again. "Safer?" He whispered. Sam wrapped his arms around himself and shook his head like he was trying to shake something off.
"This is why I left you the letter. I cant do this with you here."
"Then don't." Dean said, forcefulness coming back into his voice. "Don't go."
"Your better off without me. All the time I've got you hurt, I cant-" His sentence went unfinished though as he abruptly turned and started walking away again. No way was Dean giving up that easily. He grabbed Sam's arm before he barely took two steps.
"You cant just walk away and not tell me what the hell is going on! I don't care about some stupid letter, if your going I want to hear it from you."
Sam knew what Dean was doing. Trapping him. He knew as well as Sam did himself that he couldn't say anything to Dean that would hurt him. That he didn't have the strength to this to his face. Dean felt horrible with what he was doing, manipulating Sam in a way he knew Sam couldn't respond to.
"Dean." Sam says hoarsely. How can he say it? How can he hurt him like he knows it will?
"Tell me you want to leave and I will let you go." Dean says, his tone flat with challenge.
"When I'm around you just get hurt. Every hunt, every time I'm careless enough to get caught."
"That's not what I asked Sam."
"Why can't you see that your safer with out me?" Sam says, pleading in his tone. "I always get you hurt." Sam tried with his eyes to ask Dean to not make him do this.
"Say it Sam." Dean says a little louder.
"Dean, don't." Sam begs.
"Why not? If your so set on going then the least you can do it is say it." As much as Dean wants to stay calm his voice wavers at the end of the sentence. Its enough that Sam feels the tears return and has to look away.
"I have never stopped you from doing anything Sam. Never." Dean carries on. "But if you think I'm going to stand here and let you just do this then your wrong. I've spent too long keeping you safe, keeping you here to just let you walk away from this."
"I don't want you to keep me safe, I want you to care about yourself for once on your fucking life!" Sam shouts.
"Without you I don't care what happens to me Sam!" Dean matches his tone. Sam knows this, of course he does, it's the problems, but it still floors him. That simple sentence rips a new hole through his heart and he knows he is through. His legs are already shaking beneath him and he falls, knees first to the ground. The sobs come in strong and almost painful waves. He cant do this, he was stupid to ever think he could.
"The only thing I want is to keep you safe Sam." Dean whispers, kneeling down in front of him and wrapping his arms protectively around him. "All the times I get hurt, it's worth it to know that your not."
"I don't want you to do that." Sam chokes out, his face buried into Deans chest.
"Sammy, I'll always do it."
"But why? Why is it okay for you to protect me and not the other way around?" Sam fisted his hands in the front of Dean's shirt.
"Is this what this was about? Protecting me?" Dean felt Sam's small nod against his chest. He sighed. "I love you Sammy, I'll always look out for you. I'm sorry if I've made you feel like this is your fault. I'll try and be more careful, but I wont let you go."
Sam's head felt like it was spinning. He wanted to believe what Dean was saying but he also knew Dean would do anything to keep him here. He felt drained and weak. This was not how he wanted this to happen.
"You wont, you wont change." Sam forced out. His breath evening he tried to bring some sort of calm back to himself.
"Do you really want me to?" Dean asked. He would do anything for Sam, be anything for him.
"No, I want you to stop getting hurt. I want you to be safe."
"Sammy, you know as much as I do that we cant control what happens in our line of work. We just have to accept that and try our best."
"It's not always our jobs." Sam spoke to quietly that Dean barely heard him but the message came across loud and clear.
"People are jerks Sam, we don't need anyone else to approve of us." Dean's hand reached up behind Sam and ran gently through his hair, letting the waves fall through his fingers over and over. "I can deal with hunts Sam, I can deal with the injuries and the accidents, but I cant-" He stopped and gave a deep breath. "I cant deal without you."
Sam clenched his eyes tighter at the pain he could clearly see in his brothers voice. He was doing it again, hurting him.
"If you do this it'll hurt more than any of those things put together." Dean felt the first of his tears fall down his cheek and for once in his life, didn't even care. If this showed Sam how much he wanted him to stay, then so be it. He couldn't live without Sam, not anymore. When he had left for Stanford, it had been excruciating. The separation was too much but then he had got him back. Even better, he had gotten exactly what he wanted. He had gotten Sam for his own.
Sam eyes snapped open at that last statement. In all of his musings he hadn't even considered that one. Had never crossed his mind. Leaning back from Dean's embrace he stared the older man dead in the eyes. For seconds he just looked, not blinking once. In a quick second he leant forward and captured Dean's lips in his own. Strong and hard, Dean was taken back for a moment by Sam's kiss. It was desperate and filled with a type of begging that Dean could feel through his whole body. He responded in an instant, gripping the sides of Sam's face and deepening the kiss. With a run of his tongue he parted Sam's lips and dipped inside, tickling at the roof of his mouth. He pulled back out a second later and was pleased as Sam's lips tried to follow as he pulled his head back.
"I love you Sammy." He said softly. Sam smiled, a genuine and true smile.
"I love you too Dean."
Gently pulling on Sam's bottom lips with his teeth, Dean reach back in for the kiss.
Of all the conclusions that Sam had come to, he forgot about the most important one. That no matter what goes wrong, there is one pain he can always stop, one that he doesn't need to cause. Of all the times Dean gets hurt, maybe because of him, maybe not, together, they can always make the hurt go away.
Sam thinks maybe, just maybe, he doesn't hurt Dean as much as he thought.