All I Have
She had found it down the back of the sofa a week ago. She did not understand when he had left her flat without a top on or how Tony had never discovered it but it did not matter because she finally had a piece of him to hold on to.
Her memories were as powerful as her regrets but sometimes at unexceptional times during the days she found herself panicking that she was forgetting the way his lips curled when he smirked, the way he smelt.
She did not want to forget, not even a second of time they spent together. Even the painful times were the most precious memories she had. Only in the middle of night she would dream of him. She would see the heartbreaking look in his eyes as she told him she did not love him and then the stillness of his dying body, sheets of rain and physical distance reducing him to nothing more than a blur.
Then she would lie awake in the lonely darkness and silently try to convince herself that the pain that constricted around her heart was worth it because it kept her close to him. All alone there was no one to hide her grief from, she could revel in the pain that bubbled inside and threatened to drown her. She almost wished that it would.
But now she had his t-shirt, all grey and creased and apparently so unremarkable much like Liam himself. Only Carla knew better, understood how he made her better and that he was remarkable in every way. She never knew it was possible to miss someone so much.
She had immediately recognised the t-shirt as Liam's. She had thrown anything that reminded her of Tony and there was a connection to the flimsily piece of fabric that told her it belonged to the man she loved.
So when sleep eluded her she'd clutch his t-shirt tightly in her fists holding it against her cheek. Then she could smell him again and maybe there was a reason she had not died along with him. She liked to think that maybe he had left the t-shirt for her on purpose, only then she would get angry at him because then he would have to know what was coming that faithful night. Then it would be his choice to leave her.
They had spent too long being angry at each other.
Now she had a part of him that was only hers and maybe it was enough even in the middle of the darkest nights.