TORN

" I'm gonna smile like nothing's wrong

Pretend like everything's all right

Act like its all perfect

Even though inside it really hurts "

I sat idly at the window sill beside my bed, watching the moon shining unusually bright. I sighed heavily as the cold air took form in white smoke dancing prettily at the tip of my dry cold lips. It was past midnight, everyone was fast asleep and yet for some reason sleep isn't welcoming me with open arms. Cold wind blew gently through the small opening of the glass window and I shivered, reflexively enveloping my body with my freezing arms, my knees bended towards my chest as I fought pitifully the cold. The thin white cotton gown didn't even made a difference.

"…cold" I whispered to nothing.

Nothing.

For once, my mind didn't think of anything but nothing. It was so quiet, just quiet… and lonely… and dark. My hand rest atop the scar left from the curse, memories of what happened in that room flooded my vision, and I desperately fought back the tears that where threatening to fall. I cursed thoughtfully, fuck… It happened to fast… just too fast. No one saw it coming, no one expected it. Not even him. It was such a short victory and yet all was lost, and the anguish that reflected from the copy of his mother's eyes, tore me effortlessly.

I replayed the scene repeatedly in my mind and like a muggle movie, I tried to redo every scene that took place, tried desperately to rewrite what was already written and possibly set it anew stone. But the defeated and mournful scream as he watched Sirius soul cast out towards the veil, it was terrifying and horrific. Merlin! Shut him up! His scream echoed endlessly in my head. Help me!

But he continued to scream, continued to mourn, continued to be tortured in his endless despair… Shut up! SHUT UP!

"…shut up."

And it was quiet, painfully quiet.

I stood from my place and quietly tip-toed towards the door, picking my vinewood from my bedside desk as I walked out. Casting a non-verbal muffliato, I shut the door closed behind. I turned towards the stairs, descending as I noticed a faint glow and the quite crackles of wood burning. I watched the hunched back of a shadow in front of the common room fireplace, he sat lonely on the carpet, and his hands enveloped his pitiful form as he struggled quietly his painful cries. I hesitantly stepped forward, the darkness inside him beckoning me towards it.

"Harry…" I called silently and he did not respond. I stopped, unsure. I watched him as he continued to cry, bravely I continued my step and I've reached him, kneeled in front of his sad form, cold finger brushed gently his stained cheeks as he stared blankly at me. I felt him leaned towards my palm as I cupped his face, his eyes closed towards the coldness of my skin,

"… I'm sorry." I whispered—more to myself.

"I'm sorry his gone, Harry." I said to him bravely. He grip my hands harshly yanking me towards him, and I immediately hugged his form as he in turn hugged me as well, His warmth breath lingered between my bare breast as he burrowed deeper into me. I shivered involuntarily from his touch, feeling him press a light kiss at the side of my cloth covered chest.

"I couldn't save him, Hermione." He began sadly. "He was right there, yet I couldn't do anything."

"It's the same for all of us who were there Harry," stroking his unruly raven hair. "I could have done something too, but I hid away hoping like any other of our life-threatening situation you'd save the day, but it wasn't that Harry, our luck just ran out."

He pulled away from me and I let him, "I wished I could blame you, put everything bad that has ever happened to me, unto you. In my mind, I couldn't get the fact that you were supposed to be the one that would think of a way get us out of there, because you were supposed to be the smart one."

I looked at him, his confession weight heavily in my heart, "Harry, please… " don't think of me like that—I whispered to him, sadly. He looked at me, his eyes edged darkly, he grabbed me harshly. His head bowed, his face shadowed from the light of the fire. Small laugh escaped him and an eerie feeling crept unto my porcelain skin. He lifted his head and looked at me strangely and I panicked.

It was strange, so strange. It was like looking at someone whose face is so familiar yet at the same time a stranger to me. "Let go Harry." I demanded. But he shrugged and smirked slyly, shaking his head in display of his disapproval of my struggles. He laughed again, shoving me away, as he laughed pitiful by himself. It dawned at me as confusing as it is, he was laughing at his pathetic self and I pitied him, pitied his scornful form.

I crawled towards him, grasping his hands with both of mine. He stopped, his face away from mine, "I'll stay Harry." I told him but he didn't look. I tugged him, but he didn't budged.

"Look at me, Harry." But he didn't. Please,

But he didn't, he wouldn't and my heart ached.

This must be my punishment. God must hate me for what I did. It wasn't a month ago when he professed his love for the red head to me at a night such as this; I didn't know he had loved that silly girl until he told me, with his hands clutching the small box of what must be the necklace I thought was for me when I went with him to shop at the local jewelry store in Hogsmead.

It was idiotic of me to think that it was for me when he asked me to choose. I was ecstatic at the prospect of the gift and the thought of him finally noticing me. But I was wrong, definitely wrong. I was stuck in my own delusion and I was lulled to the fantasy of him ever loving me. And I was furious. Was it not my turn? I waited for so long. I waited for him to grow up, I waited for him when he dated Cho, and now must I wait again when there is no reassurance of a tomorrow?

What is it with Ginny that I don't have? Have I not grown into a woman? If so, then was Viktor Krum under a spell to have fallen in love with me? Did he not realize that for everything that has happened to him, I was there?

I was there, all along.

So when I told Harry, that maybe Ginny did not love him, it was my punishment? When we got back from the ministry and when he professed his undying love for the stupid red head in front of us and she happily said yes and how my friends seems so elated at the prospect of them dating. Was this my punishment? Do I deserve such cruelty?

I loved you, Harry.

I loved you, ever since we where children with nothing but the blinded hands of friendship that would desperately hide this ugly fact. I loved you when I stood there watching you look lovingly at the girl whose hands were wrap around the dead. I loved you when you looked at Ginny as I've looked at you since we were 12.

But it's okay,

I'm okay, as long as I am able to be by your side. It wouldn't matter to me anymore who you love as long as I am able to remain by your side, so please don't shut me out. I don't care if you kissed her, think of her every second of the day, I don't care if you have forgotten that I exist, but don't leave me alone. I have accepted what I am to you.

I watched him turned to me, his eyes clouded from the emotions, fear, sadness, despair, anguish… it was painful to look at him. But I stared ahead, I won't leave him behind.

"Will you stay?" he asked and I nodded.

He crawled to me, cupped my cheeks to his palm and I leaned towards his warmth and gently he placed his lips upon mine and I couldn't think straight. He's kissing me and I kissed back. I was confused. I felt loved. I was wreck.

"Just for tonight." He whispered and I understood. We kissed and kissed. He pulled off my gown and I was bare, I took of his robe and shirt and he was handsome. He pulled my hair back to which I whimpered in response. He kissed my neck, sucked it and left me bruises. He squeezed my breast, I moaned. We kissed and kissed, until nothing but the sound of heaving breaths could be heard, it was erotic, it was arousing. I love you Harry.

He pulled my underwear off and I felt him at the tip of my cunt, he did not look at me, his eyes wandered over my naked form and he pushed, I moaned in pain. It hurts. I wasn't ready, but he did not care.

Then he pulled, I moaned, he pushed, I moaned. Harder, faster, harder, harder, harder….

I cried as he came. But he was not yet done. He drove into me again and for some reason I knew it will last till dawn.

Tonight, dear god, make me a sinner. Burn me in hell if you must, but let me be now. Let me comfort his despairing soul. I'm sorry Ginny, sorry for loving him, but for tonight just for tonight let me make love to him, until he forgets. Let me borrow him, until he no longer feels so wreck. Let me put back the broken pieces he left behind.

So when tomorrow comes, I promise to you, I'll give him back, safe and sound.

Author's Note:

Snippet are just pieces of a bigger story. it can stand on its own or can function as a opening for a multi-chaptered story. So please take your time to review. Criticism is slightly encouraged. Just let me know what you think.