Title: A Little Bit of Hope
Rating: PG (mentions of alcohol abuse)
Summary: Kate is beginning to lose herself in all the things she's done in her past. But before she can become completely desperate, she gets help from a certain someone. And she learns along the way that sometimes all it takes is a bit of hope.
Disclaimer: Though I wish I could claim Lost as my own, sadly it was not my brilliant idea. This story, however, came from no other place than my brain. ;)
Author's Note: The story takes place sometime after the kiss in "What Kate Did." Possibly some spoilers for up to and after the episode. This is my first fanfic, so I hope you enjoy it. Any reviews would be much appreciated. Thanks. :)
Hope abides; therefore I abide.
Countless frustrations have not cowed me.
I am still alive, vibrant with life.
The black cloud will disappear,
The morning sun will appear once again
In all its supernal glory. ~ Sri Chinmoy
Sitting on the beach, Kate stared out at the waves. She had been watching them come in and out for a while now, without really seeing them. What she was really focused on were the thoughts swirling around in her head. Over the past few days, no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't get away from those memories. She had thought she was done with them, but they still haunted her. And she began to realize that they always would.
As she walked up the front steps, she heard something break inside. Then, the swearing began. She knew that now would not be a good time to go in, she had learned that rule a long time ago. So she turned around and ran back down the steps, needing to get away before he came out and saw her. She ran and ran, but soon realized she had nowhere to go. And no matter how much she wanted to keep running, to never stop, her sobs were making it hard to breathe.
Then she noticed a canopy of trees, across the street from the marina and she headed towards it. Sitting down on the grass, she closed her eyes and tried to calm herself down. She couldn't let him make her feel like this, didn't want to give him that power. But it was so hard to stand up to him, when one look made her want to crawl under her bed and hide. Not wanting to think about that now, she decided to do some homework.
But not matter how she tired, she couldn't focus. Her hands began to shake and she felt herself fill with rage. This is ridiculous, she thought. Now I can't even do my homework because of him! Slamming her textbook in disgust, she paused for a moment, then flung it across the road in anger.
She heard the soft 'plop' as it landed in the water, and sighed. Of course, she thought. What else could go wrong today?
Kate remembered spending the rest of the afternoon searching for that book. She had looked out at the boats sailing across the water and wished she could have been on one of them. But soon the sun had begun to set and she had gone home, empty handed. She also remembered coming home and seeing him. Wayne. Kate didn't want to remember him now, but the memories kept swirling around in her head. She couldn't stop thinking about them – it was almost as if she couldn't help it.
She tried to close the door quietly, but still winced when it squeaked shut. Tiptoeing across the tiled floor, she jumped when she heard a voice come from one of the chairs.
"Where ya been, girlie?" he asked as she turned slowly towards him. Even his voice was enough to make her shiver in disgust. Then she saw the bottle on the table, and froze.
"And why are you wet?" he demanded. He wasn't drunk yet, but he would be soon. And she didn't want to be around when he was...
Then she realized what he had said and looked down at herself, frowning. She'd almost forgotten about falling in the water earlier, while searching for her textbook.
"Answer me, girl! I asked you a question!" he shouted.
"I don't have to say anything to you," she found herself yelling back. Then she was running. Down the hall, to the safety of her room. She spent the rest of the night hiding under her covers, trying to block out the shouting that started when her mom came home. But no matter how hard she tried, she could still hear every word.
"You've gotta do something about that girl of yours," Wayne was saying. "She's got a real attitude." Kate could hear her mother defending her, but it wasn't good enough. Her mom had never been able to stand up to him. And even if she could, she wouldn't because she loved him. It was stupid, but no matter what Wayne did to her, Kate's mom never stopped caring for him.
It hurt Kate to stand back and watch how Wayne treated her mother, but there was nothing she could do. If only her mom would admit that Wayne was hurting her, then the two could do something about him. But there was no chance of that happening.
Why did Mom have to get married to Wayne? I wish she had just stayed with Dad, Kate thought to herself as she lay in bed. I hate Wayne. Hate how he treats Mom...and how he makes me feel. She clenched her fists. I'm tired of it! If Mom won't do something about him, maybe I have to, she decided.
It took a long time for her to figure out what exactly she should do, but after that night, every time she looked at him Kate felt a rush of hatred stronger than anything she had ever felt before. She needed to protect her mother from that horrible man, no matter what.
And I did, Kate thought. But things definitely didn't turn out the way I wanted them to. She discreetly wiped the tears from her eyes, while looking around to make sure no one was watching her. She saw Charlie and Claire sitting farther up the beach, Aaron in Charlie's lap because his mother had her arms full with Charlie's guitar. Kate wondered if he was trying to teach her a song from Drive Shaft. She smiled, marveling at how perfect Charlie and Claire were for each other, but at the same time wishing she could feel so carefree.
Looking at Aaron, Kate remembered how she'd once wanted children, but had decided against that fantasy a long time ago. She told herself that it wasn't the right time and that she wasn't ready. But the truth is that I'll never be ready, she thought to herself. Because I don't want to be like Wayne. Now I know he's my real father and I... I don't want to be the kind of parent he was. She sighed again and put her head in her hands.
"What's the matter?" she heard a voice ask from behind her. Kate didn't even have to lift her head to know who was talking.
"Hi Jack," she mumbled between her hands. Hearing him sit down beside her, she resisted the urge to move farther away. Things were so awkward between them these days that she just wished he would leave her alone. But Kate also knew that most of that discomfort was her fault, so she stayed where she was and tried to ignore him.
"You never answered my question," he stated. She raised her head and stared blankly at him.
"What?"
"You never told me why you're sitting out here all alone, trying not to cry." Kate blinked. She'd forgotten how much he noticed, without ever letting on.
"I'm just thinking," she explained. Jack shot her a dubious look, as he waited for more. But that was all she was going to tell him.
"What are you thinking about?" he asked. Kate sighed, knowing he would never let this go.
"I'm sorry I kissed you, Jack," she admitted, hoping it would make him go away.
"I'm not."
Kate blinked in surprise. She looked at him, truly looked at him for the first time since he had sat down. Staring into his eyes, she saw that he was telling the truth. But she didn't know what to think about that.
"So, what were you thinking about?" Jack asked again.
"My dad," Kate blurted without thinking.
Jack frowned. Once Kate mentioned it, thoughts of his own father flooded into his head. But he certainly didn't want to think about Christian right now.
"Your dad, huh?" he asked, trying to focus his mind on something else.
"You say that like it's a bad thing," Kate observed. She remembered Jack telling her that his father was dead, and she couldn't help wondering why he sounded so bitter now. What had happened between him and his dad?
She shook her head, frowning to herself. Why should she ask Jack about his dad, when she desperately wanted to avoid talking about her own?
Jack stared at her, wondering why she was shaking her head and frowning at him.
"Sorry. It's just that..." he began, not really wanting to finish the sentence.
"Oh," Kate started, realizing his confusion. "I was just lost in thought, I didn't mean to shake my head at you." Then what Jack said – or hadn't said – sunk in.
"What?" Kate asked, curious now. "What were you going to say?" Jack sighed. I started this, he reasoned with himself. So I have to answer her. The truth was he really wanted to talk to someone. But I'm not sure I can.
He had to try though."I know I hate thinking about my father. And it sounds like you do too," he explained quickly.
Kate could only stare at him. So Jack has father issues too, she thought. And for some reason, the idea that she wasn't alone filled her with comfort. That didn't mean she wanted to talk about it, though.
"You can tell me anything, Kate. You know that," he said comfortingly. For some reason, the tone of his voice filled her with a need to open up to him. She wanted to tell this man everything that she had ever done. But what if he rejects me, Kate thought and the idea filled her with horror.
She stared out at the water, trying to appear deep in thought. But the truth was that she just wanted Jack to leave before she said something stupid.
"My dad used to drink a lot," Jack said quietly. Kate turned to him in shock. She had never heard him talk about his father before, other than the time at the beach funeral. She wanted to say something, comfort him in some way, but instead she let him keep talking.
"Ever since I was born I can't remember a time when he didn't. But he would never admit that he needed help. Then, when he finally started to get help, I screwed that up for him." Kate's heart nearly broke at the pain in Jack's voice. Unable to stop herself, she wrapped her arms around him and held him tight.
"My dad was like that too, only he never did get help. Then one day, he had a bad hangover - served him right. But he pushed my mom, and...her arm broke when she fell and hit it on the counter. That was when I decided that I'd finally had enough," Kate told him. Tears were streaming down her cheeks by now and she tried to wipe them away, while still holding Jack.
Looking down in embarrassment, she jumped when she felt his hand on her chin. He tilted her head so that she was looking at him. Kate was surprised to see that his eyes were filled with tears as well.
"I am so, so sorry, Kate," he said. "You shouldn't have had to go through that. But at least you're far away from your dad now." How right you are, Kate thought sadly.
Suddenly Jack stood up, taking her with him.
"Okay, enough sharing for today. We're here on this amazing beach, and it is a beautiful day. Time to have some fun." She couldn't help laughing at his crazy idea. When was the last time she had just relaxed and enjoyed herself? Since long before she'd crashed on this island, that was for sure. But maybe now was the time to change.
For the rest of the day, Kate and Jack walked around the beach, visiting with everyone. They ate lunch with Bernard and Rose, played a few games of fetch with Hurley and Vincent, and even took a walk through the jungle. But instead of going to the hatch or that caves like they normally did, the two of them just strolled around, relaxing in the brief spots of sunlight that shone down through the trees.
And at the end of the day, Jack and Kate decided to go for a swim. The sun was setting on the water, turning it an orange colour and to Kate, it looked peaceful, just like she felt. She embraced the feeling, wondering when she had last felt this comfortable, this safe.
Splashing around in the warm ocean, Kate thought about how she spent the day. It was one of the best times she'd ever had and she hoped she could do it again.
"Thank you," she said quietly. Jack stopped and looked at her, a question forming on his lips. "For today," Kate explained before he could ask. "I don't think I've ever had so much fun." She watched him smile as he understood, and her heart filled with happiness. Maybe I'm not so alone after all, she thought, the idea filling her with something she hadn't felt in a long time. Hope. She knew it would be a long time before she was sitting around a campfire singing Kumbaya, or doing the one thing she desperately wanted to do right now – kiss Jack. But at least it was a start.
Running her hands through her oily brownhair, she realized how she must look to him right now. Her shirt was covered in mud and dirt and she desperately needed a shower, but hadn't had time to use the one in the hatch lately. Right now though, that didn't matter, because she was finally having fun.
Staring at Kate, Jack thought about how beautiful she was. When she smiled, he could feel his heart melting. It was like she had finally let her guard down around him, and he was starting to see the real her. Not the person she pretended to be. And he couldn't help himself; he knew he was falling for her. But she would never love him. He knew that and yet he couldn't stop thinking about her, hoping that she felt the same way.
Don't worry about that now, he scolded himself. For a moment his thoughts slid to his mother and how she always used to scold him as well. But Dad did a pretty good job of that on his own, Jack thought. Then he shook his head, trying to clear his mind. Stop thinking about them too. For now, all Jack wanted was to enjoy the evening with Kate.
He turned to look at her and found himself staring into deep green eyes. He noticed that she was shivering and was startled to discover that the water had cooled down quickly while he was lost in thought.
"Let's go dry off, okay Kate? You're shivering and need to warm up before you catch a cold," he said.
Kate stared at Jack, enjoying the look of tenderness in his eyes. It felt nice to have someone care about her for a change. So, taking his hand, she let him lead her out of the water.
As the two walked up the beach, Jack glanced over at Kate. He looked down at her hand in his and felt a rush of contentment. Maybe there was hope for the two of them after all.
~*~*~*~*~