-Don't scream at me. That's my only request. It's my first fanfic, for godsake.-
Shields of the Heart
Part I: Squall -
Shadows in the Light
"Squall! Come on, let's play!" Silly Selphie, bouncing up and around.
"Squall, ya comin'?" That would be Zell, mock-punching the air.
"Squall, if you want to play, just come and join us." Quistis. She tries, I know she tries, but she can never replace Sis.
"There's no need to be shy, Squall." No. no need to be shy, no need to care, matron. Not anymore.
"No, thank you." There. Polite as always, but still refusing.
Matron gives me a sad look. I know she cares, hurts for me, but the others soon claim her attention and she smiles anew. Laughs, claps and encourages them as they dance around and sing happily. Something I will never have.
Yet, I am not sad. I am content, content with the bits of light that come my way. I don't feel the need to strive for more, in fear that my darkness will snuff out the light. So I fade into the background, the shadow I am, hiding. And watching. Forever watching.
Perhaps once I was more than content, once I was happy. But that time is long past, so it seems to me. There is nothing left to strive for, nothing to reach for.
Perhaps once I reached for light, not passively awaiting it's arrival. But it was to no avail, and it hurt me more than it helped. I reached. I reached, and touched the light. Time and time again, as pain-blurred and shadow-darkened memories will testify. I basked in the light that was reflected to me, and, not content, drew closer for more.
Did it gain me more? Perhaps, some. A little bit, for a little while. Then the light grew irritated, and moved out of reach. She left me. Sis.
So - shadow I am, shadow I will be. Shadows need light. when Sis left, I shrank back, fading by the day. The light reflected from Quistis and Selphie, emanating from Matron and blocked by the others ... it sustained me, for a while. Then I faded back, and expected to vanish.
And what will happen? Would Matron one day wake, and find my bed empty, my body gone, shadow melted back into darkness? Will I just leave them, or will I jump into the water, the sea nearby, and let the darkness greet me? I could have done that, once.
Another stage passes; the ugly yet fragile caterpillar turned to a cocoon. Winter comes, and I must protect myself. Seifer helps, some - while I shrink, he reached out for more. Sometimes we clash, shadow to shadow, and the movement brings light. and I feed on it, feed on as much as I can take while hardening my skin, my soul–
So now I sit here, watching them. Watch - it is all that I can do now. Nothing else moves, nothing else feels within the hard cocoon of my shell.
–the shell around my heart.
I watch them–
Selphie, so happy and carefree. She doesn't even seem to be serious. All she ever does is play. Dance, laugh and hop about, as if perpetually on drugs. She and Irvine are a pair, her cheer complementing his silence, her swift laughter answering his charm. Dark to bright, shadow to light - dare I hope that I too will find one to complement me?
Zell, all bluster and bravado, yet vulnerable and excitable. Seifer sees that too, and uses it, taunting and teasing to push him apart, to allow some light to reach past him to Seifer, and sometimes, to me–
–but it is unneeded. Light bounces off my shell now. Nothing gets in, nothing gets out. It's a fair deal, and all is well.
Quistis, kind and concerned. She cares for us all, trying to replace Sis. Yet her light pales in comparison, and the comfort she gives not enough yet to sustain the shadow hidden in the chrysalis, should it be let out–
–which it won't.
And Seifer. Arrogant Seifer, hated Seifer, teasing and taunting Seifer. Does no-one else see, no-one else realize? He is a shadow, like me. The boasts, the taunts, the jeers serve only one purpose - to draw light to him, draw attention, as iron to a magnet. He succeeds admirably.
–no matter. All is well with me. I need not stoop to his methods.
Sometimes it's lonely. Sometimes it's irritating. And, when I feel lonely, the light is welcomed. I despise myself for that. Why should I welcome the light? The light is a double-edged sword, a drug that burns into you, lighting you up from the inside, then leaves you craving for more. It harms more than it benefits.
–but lonely, so lonely...
No. not lonely; alone. Content. It's a mantra now, an article of the faith. 'If you do not reach, you will not fail. If you do not jump, you will not fall. If you do not love; you do not hurt...'
Such is my life. Still I sit on this swing in the corner of the playground, watching as the others play in the sunlight. And now Seifer charges in; breaking up their game, making them cry, and basking in the light it earns him from Matron. I wish him luck in his endeavor.
Now comes Matron; the light she exudes is absorbed, not by me, but by my shell, diffused into nothingness. "Squall, are you all right? Why don't you join us?"
–no, nonononono ... leave me ALONE!!!
"No thank you, Matron. I'm fine."
She sighs and leaves me, taking the light with her.
And I settle down to watch. As the caterpillar morphs into a butterfly, so shall I change. All I can do, is hope. Watch, and hope that someday someone will open the cocoon - no, coffin - and set me free.
To fly - or die.
Part II: Fujin -
Dancing With Fire
Before me, the sea stretches out, endlessly rolling waves of water. Birds fly above me. They seem so free, so carefree. The wind blows past me, ruffling me silver-white hair gently, and moves no, to finds other people, other friends, maybe. Somewhere, it will blow past Squall and his cohorts, Edea and over at the end of the pier where Seifer sits fishing, and Raijin, too.
I perch here now on this rickety crate, staring, watching as the world rolls by. Normal people run, they jump to catch it as it flies past. Some succeed. Some don't. Others simply fall down and lie in the dust, giving up. I sit outside, looking in. no effort do I need to make to break in; I have seen the damage it brings to try and catch the world, especially if you don't have the strength to do so.
So the world turns. Life, death, everything spirals around while I sit outside the storm and watch. Everybody ignores me, and that is good. At least, that's what logic tells me. My heart speaks differently, though. Even as my mind is content to sit passively and wait, so does my heart want to move, to ride the storm, to break into the building and join the party.
I struggle. My heart wins many times - it reaches, and shatters as the hand is rebuffed, yet again. Rebukes come in many forms. A frown here, a push there - it hurts as much as if someone slashed me. Then my mind takes over - I retreat. but eventually my heart recovers the strength to try again. And again.
Dancing with flame - that's what it is. Every day I dance, closer, closer. Until the flames burn me and I jump back, only to draw nearer again. I am attracted to the fire - I know that. There is nothing I can do to stop it.
There is always the risk. If the fire accepts you, then you become a part of it. And when it is blown out, you feel it is you who is dying instead. That is what happened to Squall, I understand. Him and his Sis. Just Seifer and his dreams.
Seifer–
He is confusing. I follow him, circling, dancing around his flame. I could never leave him, but for that awful moment in the Lunatic Pandora, when I realized that this flame was positioning himself beneath a bucket of water - and it was up to me to save him, or Raijin and myself.
Did I choose correctly? I do not know, but Seifer seems content now, if not happy as he was once. I, however, am not happy. I believe I never will. At least I am content, but sometimes I just wished that I could be more normal.
Normal - what do I mean by normal, I find myself asking. Do I mean quiet, like Squall? Gay, like Selphie? Or annoyingly chatty, like Raijin. No - I am myself. I will survive. Although I am caught in the dance of fire, still I live. It would be easier if I could wall myself off like Squall once did, but the impossible is still the impossible. Instead, I limit my words. The less words, the less chances for rebukes. My appearance helps here. People usually stay away from me because of that.
Raijin whoops in joy, pulling up a fish. Seifer frowns, and my heart twists. Frowns from him cuts right through it like hot knives through butter.
I sigh. It's a regular occurrence. And I know what I am supposed to do. Walking up behind Raijin, I plant a steel-toed boot slightly above his butt and shove him off the pier, into the water. Seifer chuckles as Raijin yelps, and my heart soars. What would I give to have that devastating smile directed at me, to hear him say the words I long to hear ...
I lov–
No - don't think about it. That's the ticket. That's the way. That's also the reason I speak in monosyllables.
Raijin sputters as he hauls himself back up. "Y'know, ya don't have to do that every time, Fuj...!"
I silence him with a kick. His reaction, as always, is predictable.
"Owww!" Hopping up and down again. Stop that! You'll anger Seifer!
He already has angered Seifer; our posse leader has a frustrated frown on his face. I sigh inwardly.
Throwing his fishing pole into the sea, Seifer stalks away. Hopping, Raijin follows him, and so do I.
Dance a little closer, closer to the flame–
Perhaps one day I will be accepted. Perhaps I will burn, combusted in his flames. Perhaps he will thrust me away in irritation. Perhaps I will be content, perhaps I will die.
Perhaps there are too many perhapses in my life.