Author: Lauren.
Rating: Rated M.
Character/Pairing: Blair Waldorf, Nate Archibald, Dan Humphrey, Serena Van der Woodsen, Dan/Blair, Nate/Blair.
Summary: Sometimes Blair feels like she's always in between. Nate/Blair, Dan/Blair.
Disclaimer: GG isn't mine. Especially not it's shitty ass more recent seasons. Although I do wish I owned the books.
Author's Note: Sooo this is random. Completely and utterly out of the blue, watched a movie, got inspired to write some angsty Blair stuff and voila. Enjoy.
"Society is a masked ball, where everyone hides his real character, and reveals it by hiding." – Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Blair Waldorf had always been the kind of girl others aspired to be. Fashionable, beautiful, connected, she could enter every section of society, seemingly with ease and she never apologized for being exactly who she was. Or at least, that's what it looked like from the outside.
But things scare Blair Waldorf. Things like the future and the first time she sees Nate Archibald it seems like maybe she's looking at hers. But then he meets Serena and (like everyone) his attention is diverted from brown ringlets.
Blair makes mistakes, none that she'd acknowledge. Especially not when she's sixteen and from her pedestal she can see the whole of New York, spread out like she's inside one of those kitschy snow globes they sell on street corners. And she's up so high that the air hitches in her throat and it gets hard to breathe.
Her Mom tells her she'll never be thinner or prettier or happier than she is right now. It'd be easy to believe her, if only she could concentrate and stop thinking about the croissant she hasn't thrown up yet from this morning. But all that goes away when she falls on the bed and the lace of her La Perla digs into her hips and Nate's fingers seek the zipper on her dress. The whole world melts away, for ten seconds exactly before... Serena.
It's difficult to differentiate between love and hate, between lust and revulsion, between feeling and numbness. Sometimes Blair feels like she's always between. Between Nate and Serena, between her Mom and her Dad, between here and there.
She fucks Chuck. It's a mistake before it happens and she cries into her pillow that night (and plenty more after.) The next morning she's Blair again and he's her boyfriend's best friend again and it'll never the same, but it has to be because she loves Nate and he's her future.
But it turns out she likes feeling wrong. She likes feeling Chuck's eyes on her hair, her body and how he crushes her hand beneath the table, how it hurts after his fingers have raked her skin, how hard she scrubs herself to hide it all from Nate.
He finds out. He finds out and he's so disgusted. But somehow it feels worth it because he did it first, he ruined it first and if she's betrayed, then he's betrayed.
It's funny how things happen. How she hates them all and yet somehow finds herself running into Dan Humphrey (of all people) when all she wants is to be alone. Really she might as well be, he's awful company, something about Serena no doubt. Or his social climbing sister, or perhaps his aging rocker Father, she isn't sure. Honestly she doesn't care, just so long as they can stay in this murky silence forever.
Their quiet is broken, surprisingly, by her and she talks for hours about everything and anything. He nods and makes faces and she punches him several times (because really, who is he to have opinion or judge?)
Is it wrong that she turns up on his doorstep two days later? That she needs to tell him everything she can think of, even though she knows he doesn't want or need to know?
One night, he kisses her. It's more exploratory than passionate really, like he's trying to make sure he can do this with someone other than Serena. And she's surprised that she doesn't mind the way his hands feel on her waist or how his mouth tastes like coffee and Nate's was always toothpaste and pot.