TOW which changes everything (Part 1)

by Daniela

This is a sequel to TOW where everything collpses. Chandler faces his past.

The One Which Changes Everything
[Part 1]

Athur's note: I'm sorry it took so long but my computer busted when I was nearly finished. Unfortunately the end got lost. Well not lost-lost but I saved it on a floppy disc and then lost that (annoying isn't it?) so anyway this is the piece I didn't lose. I will hopefully find the end soon.
Note: This takes place right after TOW everything collapses.

Chandler pulled up on the drive way at the same time that Phoebe walked up the street. Getting out of his car he saw that she carried a book of wallpaper samples.
"Hi Phoebs" he said and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "What are you doing here?"
"Monica called me yesterday and asked me to help her decorate so I thought I'd bring some inspiration with me"
Chandler smiled. If it was up to Phoebe the room would probably look like a cross between a sixties room and a fairytale. He trusted Monica to have enough sense not to get sucked in too deep in to these ideas.
When he opened the door he was surprised at the silence. Monica didn't really like it when everything was completely quiet and would usually turn on the radio in search for some noise.
"Monica?" he yelled and put his keys on the table.
No answer.
"That's weird" he said, not so much to Phoebe but to himself.
"Maybe she's asleep" Phoebe suggested.
Chandler shook his head.
"I don't think so, she's not much of the nap type. Monica!" he yelled again.
Still no answer.
"She could be at the store" Phoebe suggested again.
Chandler thought for a while, that would be the explanation that made the most sense.
"In the mean time why don't you have a seat?" he offered and gestured towards the couch. Phoebe went over and sat down.
"Do you want something to drink?" he wondered.
Phoebe nodded.
"Sure, but just water"
Chandler headed off to the kitchen. There he found Monica sitting at the table.
"Hi honey" he said and gave her a light kiss, not noticing her tensed facial expression.
He kept talking as he opened the refrigiator and produced two water bottles.
"Why didn't you answer when I called after you?" he wondered but didn't get an answer this time either.
Putting down the bottles he went up opposite her, first then he noticed the box which she had in front of her on the table.
"What is this Chandler?" she wondered and looked at him coldly.
Chandler just stood there like frozen.
"What is it!?" she asked sharply and stared at him.
He didn't answer this time either. Her outburst told him that she had already opened it. Millions of thoughts flew through his head but none of them amplified as some sort of suitable response. When he just stood there Monica, with achieved calm, opened the box and emptied its contains out on the table.
"I'll tell you what it is" she said angrily. "It's photos of some boy and a file with your name printed down as his father on the birth-certificate, that is what it is!"
She stood up abruptly.
"You promised me that you wouldn't shut me out anymore"
Her voice was low and cold and completely emotionless. The hurt and betrayl could only be seen briefly in her eyes before it was replaced with an icy glare. At last the biggest chock in being discovered settled in and Chandler regained the ability to speak.
"I can explain..." he began but to no use.
Monica went passed him and up the stairs to their room. Chandler hurried after her and got the door slammed in his face.
"Monica come on, if you would just hear me out" he pleaded but the door remained shut. At first he thought about getting the spare key but then decided that she needed time to cool off and then maybe she would listen to him. When he turned around to go downstairs he saw Phoebe standing at the bottom of the stairs.
"What was that about?" she wondered and looked worried.
Chandler sighed, he didn't feel like telling Phoebe before Monica. Suddenly he got an idea. "Phoebe could you come back with the rest of the gang tomorrow, I think what upset Monica is something you all should know"
She nodded.
"Sure" She put her coat on and headed for the door.
When she opened it she turned around.
"What ever it is I'm sure that you guys will work it out"
Chandler looked up the stairs, boy did he hope so.
*****************
The next day the others arrived, not really knowing why. Chandler hadn't tried to talk to Monica any further but let her be knowing that it was best to let her cool of a bit. Now Joey and Mandy were sitting together in a chair and Ross and Rachel were sitting on the couch. Chandler was pacing around impatiently waiting for Phoebe to come down with Monica. Finally they heard footsteps and Monica's voice cut through the silence.
"Are you sure he's gone?" she asked Phoebe who nodded.
"Yes he drove to work when I got here"
The others glared at Chandler but he didn't notice. His eyes were glued to the stairs and Monica's expression when she noticed that he was in fact there. Her lips pressed together to form a thin line and her look cut right through him.
Without a word she turned around and started going up the stairs. Chandler took this as his cue and rushed over to her.
"Monica please could you just let me explain"
Monica looked at him, almost in hatred.
"Why, what's the point?"
Her voice was cold and accusing.
"Where you going to leave us like you left them?"
Chandler stared at her.
"I would never do that to you! Now could you please just listen to me?"
Monica looked at him for a while then went over and sat down next to Rachel.
Chandler took a deep breath.
'Here goes nothing' he thought and started to explain.
*****************
Monica just sat there wide eyed as Chandler finished his story. She wasn't quite sure if she was going to believe him or not, although she knew that he didn't have any reason to lie. Lifting her head she saw that Chandler looked at her as if to see what her reaction would be. She didn't even know herself what her reaction was. She was shocked and felt sorry for him, but at the same time she felt hurt that he hadn't told her before.
"Well?" Chandler said when she didn't answer him.
Monica snapped out of her thoughts and looked at him.
"I don't know what to say" she simply stated.
"Are you still mad?" he wondered worriedly.
Monica shook her head.
"No, I'm not mad I'm..." She trailed off and went silent.
There was an awkward moments silence in which everyone expected Monica to go on. When she didn't Phoebe spoke up.
"Let's see if I've got this straight. He doesn't know you're his father and he will find out when he turns seventeen?"
Chandler nodded.
"How old is he now?" Rachel wondered.
"Sixteen, he'll turn seventeen three weeks from now"
Monica swallowed.
"So soon?"
Chandler nodded again.
"Yeah I always visit him on his birthday. Remember all those times I went away to conferences?"
"You mean you lied to us all these years?" Monica's question didn't really require an answer.
"Mon I had to"
Monica got up and went over to him looking him straight in the eye.
"Why did you have to?"
Chandler didn't answer. Ross cleared his throat.
"You know you could've told us, we would've understood"
Chandler shook his head.
"That's the whole problem, you wouldn't have understood! You don't understand how it's like to see your son at a maximum of three times a year, you don't understand how it feels when you read some of the e-mails in which he writes that he thinks his father was some slime who ran out on his mom or how about everything I missed because I couldn't be there for him. I wasn't there when he sprained his ankle, I wasn't there when he got an ammonia or comforted him when he got his first tecnishshot. Further more, I couldn't be there the first time he walked, the first time he talked, his first schoolday or his graduation. I missed almost every single one of his important times in life. Other things that anyone else would've taken for granted I never got to experience. Not until you've been through all that can you tell me that you understand!"
"Ok maybe 'understood' was an overstatement but we could have been there for you, we could have helped you" Rachel tried.
"Not in a way that I would have liked. You would have pitied me, felt sorry for me. I didn't want sympathy. Sympathy has never done anyone any good. I mean, I know you guys mean well and for that I'm really grateful but I can't expect you to understand how I'm feeling, most of the time I don't even know myself how I'm feeling. It's like you're standing on a sinking boat in the middle of the ocean and everyone else is in safety on an island a few yards away and trying to encourage you to swim assure by positive words and peptalk. But in the end it's you alone that have to get to safety, without anyone's help and once you're in the water the incouraging words mean nothing, they don't help you the least. This was something I had to deal with myself and I did"
Only Monica recognized his speech for what it really was; denial. He was desperately trying to convince everyone, including himself, that he didn't need support. She wondered how hard it had been for him to bear all this inside for so long, if it was her she would have cracked a long time ago.
But with Chandler it was different, he didn't share his emotions on a regular basis, he wouldn't allow himself to react in a way considered normal. He reacted inwards instead of outwards, which one only could do for so long. And despite of what he said she knew that he needed support just as much as anyone else, if not more. She gave him a long hug and rubbed his back in an unspoken way of comfort. After a while Chandler returned the hug. When they pulled away she could see that his eyes were blank due to tears which he had tried to stop without much luck.
"Why do you fight it?" she wondered looked at him. "Why are you never willing to admit that you have feelings just like everyone else and that they can hurt you just as much?" Chandler shrugged.
"It's easier" he simply said.
Monica shook her head.
"Not in the long run, it's a shortcut, and they never lead you to the right place. You have got to understand that even if we don't exactly get what you're going through we want to help you in the best way we can"
Chandler sunk in to his chair and pulled Monica down beside him.
"I know you do, but..." he trailed off not really knowing what his point was anymore.
For a short moment he wished that he could go back to being five years old again and hiding in his closet while his parents fought in the next room, the neighbours dog barked outside and the house maid vacuumed downstairs. He realized that that was impossible, he was an adult now and had to deal with problems himself instead of shutting the rest of the world out.
*****************
Monica tiptoed around the house trying to figure out where Chandler had gone. She had woken up in the middle of the night and he wasn't there. She was just about to go downstairs when she saw that the light was on in the newly decorated nursery. She snuck closer and found him leaning against the doorframe.
"Hey" she whispered softly.
Chandler spun around at the sound of her voice.
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to wake you" he said apologetic.
Monica gave him a small smile.
"You didn't, I just wondered where you were" She looked out over the room. "It looks beautiful doesn't it?"
Chandler nodded absent mindedly. Phobe had really done a good job, managing to put some of the more challenging ideas out of her system. It was simple yet coozy. The walls were white with a thin pink line at the top. They had left the desk and the book shelves as they were but filled with toys and stuffed animals. The chryst itself was very simple without any overdone details. It was placed close to the window with a rocking-chair next to it. In one corner there was a nursing table and the in the rest of the corners, blankets and pillows had been placed.
"It's hard to believe that we actually got her to drop the smoke curtain she wanted" Monica said trying to get Chandler to smile but to no use. "What's wrong?" she wondered and put her hand on his shoulder.
Chandler looked down.
"Could you do me a favour?" he pleaded.
"Sure anything" she replied comfortingly.
Chandler looked her straight in the eye.
"Don't leave me"
Monica looked at him startled.
"What?"
He took her hands in his.
"Don't leave me" he repeated.
"Why do you think I would even consider leaving you?" she wondered surprised.
"Every girl I have ever loved have left me" he said quietly.
Monica knew he was talking about Gwen and Julia.
"Chandler listen to me" she said and he looked up nervously. "I'm not planning on going anywhere. I promise you" she assured him.
Suddenly Chandler gave her a strong hug.
"I'm sorry I know I'm behaving weird, I just... Whenever anything goes right in my life I'm afraid of losing it" he explained, his voice unsteady.
"I know" Monica whispered softly.
"I just don't want anything to happen to you, I don't know what I would do if I lost you too" "You wont"
"How can you be so sure?" he wondered accusingly. "You don't know what the future holds"
"Well neither do you" Monica replied.
Chandler chuckled a little.
"I guess I'm overreacting as usual"
His voice was nonchalant but his eyes were still worried. Monica sighed.
"Chandler you can't go around worrying about things that you have no control over, just enjoy what you got, that's all you can do"
Suddenly he leaned forward and gave her a long kiss.
"Thank you" he whispered after he pulled away.
"For what?"
"For being you" he responded and smiled.
Monica smiled back.
"I know that it doesn't make up for everything you've lost but atleast you'll be here when our daughter grows up" She took his hands in hers and carefully placed them on her tummy. Chandler smiled.
"I wouldn't want to miss it for the world" he whispered and lifted one hand to stroke her cheek.
Monica smiled.
"I know you wouldn't" she whispered back. "No let's try to get some sleep"
*****************
Monica glanced at Chandler worriedly. It was the day before Jeremy's birthday and they were on their way to his moms house. She lived just a block from Jeremy. Chandler kept his eyes were glued to the road and he squeezed the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles had begun to turn white. His appearance almost scared her. He was so nervous.
She sighed and looked out the window, it was a beautiful fall day, the sun was shining and the leaves on the trees had changed colour from green to deep red, almost purple. Monica felt that the silence was becoming unbearable, he hadn't said a word since they left, a half an hour ago. She opened her mouth to speak but almost immediately closed it again.
She couldn't think of anything to say that he hadn't already heard. And pointless chit chat was one of the things she would rather live without. You had to both want to have a conversation otherwise it would be just as rewarding as listening to your own ecco over and over again.
"Do you think he'll hate me?"
Monica jumped a little at the sound of his voice, she had been so deep lost in thought that she hadn't notice that he had stopped for a red light. Now she turned to look at him.
"Uhm... what?" she said sheepishly, she had been so startled that he had spoken to her that she hadn't paid much attention to what he had actually said.
Chandler sighed and started the engine as the green lights came on.
"Forget it"
"No come on, what?" she insisted.
"Do you think he'll hate me?" he repeated worriedly.
Monica shook her head slowly.
"No I don't think he'll hate you"
"Really?"
She nodded comfortingly.
"Chandler you had no choice, it would have been different if you had just given him up"
He looked relieved at hearing that and his grip around the steering wheels lightened.
"I hope you're right" he said quietly.
'Me too', Monica said to herself.
*****************
"Well here we are" Chandler confirmed as he drove up on the drive way in front of a large white house.
He helped Monica out and she looked around, amazed.
"This place is huge"
Chandler chuckled.
"Yeah, cheezy romance novels obviously sell pretty good"
He opened the trunk and took out their suitcases then headed for the door. While he unharmed the alarm system Monica looked around the hall. It was like a small ballroom, with stairs going up on either side of the door to the kitchen. There was a big gray rug in the middle of the room and the walls were filled with paintings and lights.
"Wow" was all she could get out.
Chandler nodded.
"Say what you want about 'mommie dearest' but she has good taste"
"Are you sure she wont mind us staying here?"
Chandler shook his head.
"Naah. I always stay here when I visit Jeremy"
Monica nodded but couldn't help the yawn that escaped from her mouth. It had been a long trip and she was tired from being up most of the night, worrying about wether she had packed everything she needed or not. Chandler noticed the yawn and picked up the suitcases again, starting to move towards the stairs.
"Come on, let's go to my room" Monica nodded and followed him up the stairs. When they were on the second floor Chandler suddenly put the suitcases down and climbed up on the reeling.
"I just have to do one thing" he said sheepishly.
After that he leaned downwards and slided down to the first floor. As soon as he hit ground he hurried up again.
"I do that every time" he confessed.
Monica smiled amused.
"I'm glad to see how much you've matured over the years" she said sarcastically.
*****************
Chandler looked at Monica's sleeping figure, she looked so peaceful. When ever he watched her it calmed him down but tonight not even Monica's presence could ease his mind. He slowly wriggled out of bed, Monica groaned a little and grabbed the pillow.
He snuck down the hall to his mothers room, opened the door to her balcony and climbed out on the roof. He didn't have to worry about falling down cause the roof almost didn't tilt at all. Casually he crossed the bricks and some old frisbees that had gotten stuck there and no one ever bothered to take down. At last he came up to what had been his favourite spot when he was a child.
There was a hole in the middle of the roof that was about 4 foot deep and had been perfect to hide in whenever he didn't want anyone to bother him. Neither of his parents had ever found it and had just assumed he was out somewhere. He sunk down in the whole and let the breeze from the heating vent warm his frozen hands.
September didn't exactly have the warmest nights of the year so to speak. The warmness in the hole combined with the fresh icy air above him had always had a soothing effect on him. That combined with the fact that he hadn't gotten a good nights sleep in days overwhelmed him and his eyelids got heavier and heavier until he couldn't manage to keep them open anymore.
*****************
Big drops of water interrupted Chandler's sleep and crucially woke him up. It was beginning to rain quite heavily and shivering he noted that not even the heating vent would work to keep him warm.
A quick look at his watch told him that it was after midnight. He rose slowly and groaned at a sudden pain in his neck. Rubbing it with one hand he snuck back to his mothers bedroom and down the hall to his own room. There he found Monica sitting at his desk writing something in her journal.
At the sound of steps she quickly closed it and turned around looking at him standing there dripping wet. If she hadn't been so worried about him she would've laughed. Instead she went over to him and felt his hand.
"God, you're freezing!"
Too tired to comment Chandler just nodded.
"Where the hell have you been? Don't tell me you went out in this weather"
While she talked she dug in her bags and got up an extra set of pyjamas that she threw Chandler's way.
"Ok I would suggest that you go and take a quick shower and put these on"
Obedient Chandler took the clothes and headed down the hall. Monica shook her head slowly and sunk down on the chair.
Was he loosing his mind? It was no weather to be out in. She was getting more and more worried about him. She knew that he had something really difficult to do tomorrow but she was afraid that he was closing up again. That was what she had been writing about when he had entered.
She had woken up a while ago and noticed that he wasn't there. This time she hadn't gone to look for him since she thought that he would be alone. But she hadn't expected him to leave the house. Especially not while wearing sweatpants and a T-shirt. His behaviour was almost ridiculous and she was going to tell him that. She flinched slightly as the baby suddenly gave her a hard kick. She probably didn't like to be awake at this hour, neither did Monica but she easily woke up in the middle of the night. More frequently the nights that Chandler wandered about the house restlessly.
He returned after a while with the new clothes on and crawled in to bed. Monica snuggled up close to him and rested her head on his shoulder.
"Chandler please don't do this" she pleaded.
"Do what?"
"Shut me out again"
"I'm not"
Monica sighed, he really didn't see it.
"Then what do you call this... night wandering?"
"I'm just collecting my thoughts"
"Without telling me about them"
Chandler sighed, he knew that Monica had a point but he didn't quite see it.
"Monica I already told you, I'm fine"
"Chandler I know you, you are not fine. This whole thing is eating you up but for some reason you're not willing to admit it"
"Is that what you think?"
"No that is what I know" she proclaimed.
"Ok I was thinking about what I'm going to say, how I am going to bring up the subject. I mean it's not exactly something you just say right out there. It can't be like: Jeremy guess what? I've been lying to you your whole life, I'm not your friend, I'm your father"
"It's going to be alright"
"No it isn't. He'll hate me"
"No he wont"
"Yes he will! I wasn't there for him when he needed me, just like my father wasn't there for me. I hated him for that and now Jeremy will hate me for it as well"
"But don't you see? You were there for him, not as a father perhaps but as a friend. You kept in contact by e-mails and letters, you visited him when you got a chance. Most guys in your shoes would probably not even make an effort to get to know their child"
"You really think so?"
Monica nodded.
"Absolutely"
"Ok maybe I did visit him once or twice but that's not enough. My father did that my whole life, stopping by a few hours to then return to his own life which didn't concern me the least"
"But you did include Jeremy in your life! You told him what you were doing, how you felt and talked to him whenever he had a problem. That's more than most fathers who live with their children do"
"I know but..."
"No buts! You have to stop thinking about the 'what if:s' because they're not doing you any good. In fact they're doing the opposite. Believe me, 'what if:s' never help you"
"How do you know?"
"After my miscarriage I started asking myself all these questions; What if I had been more careful? What if I had gone to more check-ups? What if it was my fault?"
"Monica you know it wasn't"
Monica shook her head.
"Yes but I didn't realize it at the time, just like you can't realize that you did the best you could considering the circumstances. Now you'll just have to wait for the outcome and hope that it turns out for the best. Ok?"
Chandler managed to produce a small smile.
"Ok"
"Good now go to sleep" Monica said turned off the lights.
*****************
Jeremy looked in the mirror to see if he looked ok. He wasn't really the shallow but when Lucy came he wanted to look nice. He had been going out with her for a couple of weeks and really enjoyed her company. That's why he had envited her to meet Chandler and his girlfriend Monica.
He wondered what Monica was like. Chandler had often written about her but he couldn't really get the image straight. The only thing that mattered was that she was nice and that she made him happy which she seemed to do. The first times Chandler had come to visit after Julia died had been very low-key. But the latest had been much more up beat. Jeremy found it a little strange that his friend would bring someone this time since he had always showed up alone.
Jeremy had never met Julia or anyone else he had dated. He shrugged, it was probably that he didn't feel right about leaving her alone as she was nearly eight months pregnant.
He smiled a bit, now Chandler was going to have, and he quoted 'a real family'.
Chandler had never been up on the subject of discussing his own parents and Jeremy didn't have any so they communicated well.
Something that puzzled him was that he also refused to tell him anything about his own father. Every time Jeremy brought up the subject Chandler would end it simply by saying that he hadn't known him too well and that Gwen never formly introduced them to eachother. If they had been as close as everyone said he found it strange that his mom hadn't shared this with him. He frowned a bit at the thought of his father.
From what his grandparents had told him about him he was not the type of person he would want to meet. Of course he had wanted to meet him when he was younger but that had changed over the years. Then he had thought that his dad had some exciting job that kept him away, like a pilot. Every night he would look out the window waiting for his dad to fly by and wave. And sometimes when he had fought with his grandparents he would climb out on the roof and look up at the stars pretending it was his dad who had placed them there and that they were secret messages only for him to interperate.
He thought that once he solved the star sentences his dad would come and take him unboard, then they would fly away and never come back. But that never happened. Instead reality took over and he realized that he probably never would get to meet his dad. He only wished that he knew what he looked like, he had once heard his grandmother tell his granddad that it hurt her the way he looked like his father.
But no matter how long he looked in the mirror he could still not figure out how his father looked, and there were no pictures of him either. His grandparents said that they had thrown them away to keep them from reminding them of the guy they said 'was responsible for their daughters death'. All he had was pictures of his mother and they didn't really help him since he had been too young to remember her.
He had gotten the green eyes from her and some said that he had her nose but besides from that everything else he assumed he had gotten from his father.
Who ever he was.
*****************
What first had struck Monica when she met Jeremy was how like Chandler he was, same smile, same brown hair and easy, sarcastic tone. She noticed that his girlfriend also seemed to see a resemblance but out of respect she didn't say anything. Chandler would have enough trouble telling him the truth without her butting in.
What also astounded her was how incredibly rude and cold Jeremy's grandparents were towards him, throwing freezing glances at him from time to time. Chandler himself pretended not to notice but Monica could see that he was getting more nervous by the second. As much as she wanted to help him and be there to support him she knew that it really wasn't her place.
She didn't have any part of it as far as the others were concerned, this was about Chandler and Jeremy, no one else. In a way that annoyed her but on the other hand she was thankful not being there when whatever would go down, came down.
Their first meeting with the grandparents had been incredibly awkward. By 'mistake' they had called her Julia and then pretended not to know what had happened to her, forcing Chandler to explain the whole thing again.
The dinner itself had past without much trouble and now they were all sitting in the living room. Monica noticed that Chandler was absent mindedly twisting his finger and staring out the window, as if he considered jumping out of it. She decided that now was the time to make a subtle but necessary exit.
*****************
Chandler didn't think he had been so nervous in all is life, he probably had though, what with all that had happened over the years but no memory in particular reassembled what he was about to face now.
He took a deep breath and dried his paws on the arms of his shirt trying to compose himself.
'It's going to be alright' he said to himself. 'Jeremy won't hate me'.
'Yes he will' the voice in his head told him. 'You would too'
Chandler shook his head a little.
'No he will understand' he told himself.
'Yeah, sure' the voice said sarcastically 'just keep telling yourself that and I'm sure that everything will be alright. Everything else in your life has gone sooo well'
Chandler sighed out loud and stared out the window in hope of something interesting going on out there that would keep his mind occupied.
'Just my luck' he said to himself when nothing happened.
In lack of anything else to keep him occupied he began twisting his fingers in an attempt to relax, but he soon realized that it was useless. The more he tried to convince himself that everything was going to go well, the less he believed it.
Suddenly Monica began to rise.
"Wha.. we.. where are you going?" he wondered nervously. "I need some air, I think I'll just go outside for a while" she explained and gave him a look gesturing for him that it was time to come clean.
Chandler suddenly panicked, 'Everything will not go alright' his mind warned him.
'I told you' the voice said, satisfied to be right.
He stood up abruptly.
"But... uhm... do you think that's wise?" he wondered, desperately looking for a way out. Lucy stood up as well.
"I think it's a good idea, I'll join you. I could use some air"
Monica nodded and they started heading for the door. When she passed Chandler she stopped and gave him a small hug.
"It'll be alright, you'll see" she whispered comfortingly before she followed Lucy outside. Chandler took a deep breath and turned around to do probably the most difficult thing he would ever do in his life.

TO BE CONTINUED...