Letter from the Heart
I lie on my back and stare at the ceiling, night after night, as though waiting for something that will never come. I can hear you breathing in the bed beside me, so softly and innocently that I can barely stand to hear the sound.
You are my dear friend, you have been from the start, but I began to want more. I wanted to be in those arms that caught me when I fell, I wanted to run beside you instead of lag behind, I wanted to taste those lips when you pouted all day long.
I started to memorise everything you did to everything you wore. You ate very little sometimes, and then if you seemed to have a lot of your mind you would eat the feelings away. You rarely spoke unless the situation bored you, and you glorified yourself in battle. When you saw the blood of your victims you would smile, something that was rare, and then when you saw me staring you would laugh.
"You're not scared are you, Rikku?"
You said my name, and I wanted to scream yours to the heavens. Instead I would say it over and over again in my head as though I were rolling my tongue over a new food to savour the taste.
Paine.
I started to realise other things about you. Deeper things. For example, I could see why your name was what it was. I could see the emotion in your eyes, and you would sever yourself from the group to be alone. Something happened to you that neither me nor my cousin know about, but I will fight to find out.
I want to comfort you when you feel like you have to push yourself away.
Do you times we spent together and memories we have shared? I think about them all of the time, and I never let myself forget a single detail. I remember getting hurt by fiends, and I wasn't able to get up. You scooped me into your arms as though I didn't weigh a thing, and you carried me all the way to the ship though the desert. That desperate look in your eyes, that tight grip that held me… It made my heart blossom inside and I wanted to stay like that forever.
I know that if I mentioned all of this to you now, you would probably say something rude and walk away. You did this to me often, sometimes being serious when you were in a bad mood. Truthfully, it hurts me more than you know, but don't feel guilty. I know what it feels like when you have to protect yourself.
"Hey, what are you up to?"
"Oh crap!" I gasped as Paine looked over my shoulder at the paper.
She snickered as I pulled the secret away. "Well, what are you up to, squirt?"
"Paine, don't call me that!"
"Sorry… Rikku."
"Hmph. That's better, and it's none of your business!" I could tell I was blushing heavily, so I tried to hide my face.
"Okay, show me what that thing was right now," she demanded. "Something is definitely up, and I want to know what it is."
I pulled it beneath my hands and leaned over it protectively. "No! It's none of your business!"
She was quiet for a moment, lingering on the spot before she finally gave in. "Hmm… whatever. I have better things to do than to argue with you."
With a sigh of relief, I gathered up my pen again and carefully finished off the piece.
What I am trying to say in this letter, Paine, is that I... I think I love you.
No matter how many times you let me down, no matter how many times you fight with me… no matter how many times you leave me to fall down, I can't change my feelings.
Please do not hate me for feeling like this. Talk to me. Maybe we can work something out, and I don't mean that we will do anything that you wouldn't want to. I want you to be happy, no matter what.
I want to see you smile.
"Rikku?"
"Paine! I thought you were leaving!" I almost screamed the words as I panicked.
"I, umm… I wanted to apologize for being an idiot before and saying that I had better things to do than to-"
"Paine…"
"Um… what?"
I could feel my heart pounding as I stared into her eyes. Every word in the letter pounded in my ears, and before I could stop myself I pulled her into my arms…
When I realised what I was doing, I pushed her back a little more forcefully than I had meant. "Wow! Paine, I am so sorry! I can't believe I just…"
"Kissed me?"
"Well… yeah… Sorry…"
She looked shocked, horrified even, but her expression began to soften. "Rikku…"
"Yes?"
"… Can we do that again?"
*Later that Day*
"Hey Rikku?"
"Yeah, Paine?"
"What was that thing you were writing before?"
"The letter?"
"Yeah."
We were on the deck of the ship, soaking up the suns rays together, hand in hand. She felt so warm, and it made me feel safe. She would protect me no matter what, and I knew it now.
"So what was it?"
"That was nothing," I told her realising that I no longer needed to show her my heart on the paper.
As she settled again and forgot about the letter, I pulled it silently out of my pocket and ripped it in half.
My heart had been laid to bare, and against all odds, the warrior had accepted me.