Rumbles were heard all around as the TARDIS fell through space, out of control due to her driver's post-regeneration amnesia.
"DOCTOR, TAKE CONTROL OF THE TARDIS! I DON'T WANT TO DIE!" Clara, his companion, yelled.
The man with the new face, known throughout time and space as The Doctor, looked at her with his Capaldi eyes. He scurried over to the control panel and tried his best to stabilize the flying blue box. He pointed his sonic screwdriver at the console and waved it wildly, filling the air with sparks as he did so. The device finally burst into a fury of smoke and fire, falling inert on the TARDIS floor.
"Blast!" he cried "We'll have to do this the old fashioned way. Just a little of this, and a little of that and THERE, she should be on autopilot now." The TARDIS ceased its trajectory and stopped moving entirely.
The Doctor looked down at the destroyed sonic, "A pity; I always liked that one." He fiddled with the console's controls and strolled off, in his usual tradition, to his wardrobe to pick out his new outfit. With each new regeneration, his taste in clothing. While he was muttering to himself about what colors went with what, Clara breathed a sigh of relief that she wasn't currently dead.
Clara ran to the door and opened it and was met with the vastness of space, "Thank God."
"GOD?" She heard from behind his wardrobe. "There is no God, only science and reason!"
Before she could say anything, The Doctor stepped out from behind the wardrobe. Clara tried her best, but she could not stifle her scream. The Doctor...HER Doctor, had become Euphoric. Atop his head sat a fedora. This fedora, however, was special; it was the one fedora to rule them all. It was a blue one, much like the color of the TARDIS, and it had hyper-realistic pictures of great thinkers from history. Carl Sagan and Neil Degrasse Tyson were most prominent. The Doctor was wearing a V for Vendetta mask. It seemed to show his anonymity in this new incarnation. He took it off, looked at it, and smiled. He then turned to Clara.
"M'lady." The Doctor said with a tip of his fedora.
"D-doctor…" Clara stammered, still in shock. ""Why a-are you that ridiculous ha-"
"Clara, Clara, Clara." The Doctor interrupted. "Unlike you, I am enlightened by my own intelligence!" The Doctor proclaimed while slipping on his new fingerless gloves. He walked over to his console and picked up a black leather trenchcoat. "Come along, Clara, we have some business to take care of. While your simple mind was trying to grasp my superior intellect, I set our destination."
The Doctor strolled over to the TARDIS door and opened it, motioning for Clara to follow. Clara reluctantly exited the TARDIS and was immediately blinded by the intense sunlight. She looked around, trying to get a sense of where, and when, they were. She first noticed that they were in a crowd of people, mostly adults with small children accompanying them. They were surrounded by tables and on one of them she saw a banner that read "Church Bake Sale".
"Oh no…" Clara had to find The Doctor before he did something that he might regret. She began searching for the man she thought she knew, asking couples if they had seen a man wearing a fedora. Most of them have, and all of them seemed to be upset. They all told her that, out of nowhere, a mysterious man had approached them and claimed that God was a delusion. He had called them all fundies and inferior to his own vast intellect. Clara apologized to everyone and continued searching, following the trail of crying children.
Clara had nearly given up hope when she heard a familiar voice a short distance away.
"The Earth CAN'T be 6000 years old. Just look at fossils and the Grand Canyon! Also, that bloke Noah? Yeah, he would have needed a ship 10 kilometers across to carry all of the world's animals on it."
The Doctor was standing in front of a man with his son, who looked extremely uncomfortable, while this stranger continued to ramble on about God and religion. The man had only asked what the time was, when the Fedora Wearer began spewing out factoids after factoids.
"What's your name, anyway?" The man said.
"The Doctor" He replied, with a knowing grin.
"The Doctor? Doctor Who?"
The Doctor laughed. "Doctor Who? Doctor Not God - that's for sure!" he said, spawning an uncontrollable laughter at the marvel he found in his own brand of humour.
Clara was at wit's end when suddenly the TARDIS rang out in the distance. Vvworp vvworp!
"Oh, it seems the TARDIS is done building it!" he exclaimed with a knowing grin. He turned and bowed with a tip of his fedora at the church-goers, "Excuse me for a moment." At that, he ran off towards the blue box, Clara-chan(his WAIFU) in tow.
"What's done? What are you building?" asked Clara confused. "Ah," interrupted the Doctor, "but it's not what I'm building, but what the TARDIS is building!" He opened the doors to his time capsule with a snap of his fingers and a graceful whipping of his hair, running towards the console with inhuman delight. Clara looked at the console in absolute horror.
Seated on the console of the TARDIS was the unmistakable silhouette of a semi-automatic rifle. The rifle sat bathed in the time rotor's blue-green glow.
"DOCTOR WHY! IS THERE A GUN IN THE TARDIS?!" screamed Clara. The Doktah rolled his eyes and picked up the gun, revealing a painting of a nude Rose on the rifle's butt and the words "Sexy" scrawled beneath it in crusty yellow-white residue. "It's not a gun anyway; only stupid Fundies own guns. It's my new sonic screwdriver!" Clara's eyes widened in horror, "YOUR WHAT?!" Again, the Doctor's eyes rolled in their orbits like glass marb[le]s in a bow(tie)l, "It's only shaped like a gun because it looks way coo[le]r that way." Clara stammered at the Doctor's words, "B- but wh- what will y- you do in public? You can't just go around carrying something that looks like a gun around town!" The Doctor laughed, his intellect proving once again superior, "Silly Clara, if people want to judge me for my sonic, then they're obviously filthy casuals."
Just then, the tArDiS began emitting a horrible droning noise, interspersed by a slightly off-rhythm beat.
"What could it possibly be now?!" Exclaimed Clara in pure anguish.
"I can't blame you for not being familiar with Lavender-Ease7. Few are as privileged as I to have such refined musical tastes. But that sound is more than their most renowned underground hit; it's an alarm!" The Doctor rushed toward the console and with a flurry of commands from his gloved fingers, the TARDIS lurched and carried the two off.
The Tardis quickly came to rest with a halting thud. Clara, already fed up with adventure for a lifetime, again approached the TARDIS door, and against her better judgement, opened it.
Clara looked into a vast plane, but could only see a shade of light-blue extending all around her, with text extending toward the horizon, interspersed with indistinguishable images. "What is this place, Doctor?"
"This, M'lady, is /v/" said the Doctor cocking his sonic screwdriver, "and it's time to cleanse it of some wrong opinions!"