Title: Light in Darkness

Author: Roeschen

Summary: Lily's thoughts, as she is being held captive by Voldemort.

This is a prequel to 'In the Darkness'! So whoever hasn't read it should not be surprised if the following story doesn't make much sense!

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter but I own my story!

I was his light in darkness. The longer the war lasted, the more often he told me. And sometime he did it each time, when he returned home and believed that there was no sense in fighting anymore, when he had lost all hope that there would be an end to the war one day.

It was always the garden, where he took me. Only there he whispered those words to me, told me how much he loved me. Our garden was our sanctuary, a place of peace, which had remained untouched by the war, of all its cruelties.

There we could leave the horror of the war behind us for a short while, there we could hide. A place, where we could forget and where we still could dream.

I remember the tall trees, whose leaves rustled quietly in the soft breeze of the wind; the beautiful roses I admired so much and which made me happy.

In summer I loved the garden most, when everything blossomed in full splendour, when little birds chirped in the trees, when white and golden butterflies flew from one flower to the next. How often did we walk across the garden, hand in hand?

Even in winter we sought refuge in the garden, while the white snow was glistening in the sun.

It was always me who encouraged him, who revived the hope in him, who persuaded him there was still a sense in fighting against the Dark Side. The longer the war proceeded, the harder it was for me to make the desperation in his eyes disappear. I managed, however, till the end.

I suffered as well. I saw people who had got tortured, little children who lost their parents, people who cried until they had no tears left. Day after day and yet I clung to my belief that we would win one far-off day. I believed and hoped because of James.

Then I did not realize how much I depended on James. As long as we loved each other, as long as we could hold each other, as long as we could walk across our garden, the world could crush around us, there would still be a sense left, a sense of hope that everything would be all right again, at some time.

I had to make him believe and so I had no other choice than to believe myself. James gave me the strength to fight.

I know I'll never see him again; never again I will saunter with him across our garden. Shock and despair have left me. Only a terrible emptiness has remained. I feel as if I am nothing more than an empty shell, which life has deserted long ago. I am alone, completely alone.

My eyes fall on the knife, lying on the window seat. I reach out and run a finger across the sharp blade. I regard the little, red drop, running down my index finger. But I do not take the knife despite my strong wish to end it, to be enveloped by merciful darkness, to be together with James again.

Slowly, I raise my face and stare into the darkness, which stretches itself behind my window. The light of the magical candles throws eerie shadows. I look at my mirror image. Emerald eyes look back at me. There was once a time, when they sparkled with joy, now all life seems to have left them. I don't see the slightest feeling in them. Not even sadness shimmers in my eyes.

I hardly recognize them as mine. I press my face against the cold window glass. Not a single star can be seen on the sky, no light, only darkness. Vaguely I see the contours of the trees. Dark snowflakes fall past my window. Tomorrow the park will be covered with snow.

The night is nearly over, and yet I am not tired. I know that Voldemort has left the castle. He didn't come to me. At least for this night I have not to endure his touches, the pain, his red eyes that travel across my body.

While staring at my shadowy face, I wonder whether I'll have the bravery to fight him. I'm well aware of the consequences should I dare to oppose him. He will kill me, I know. Can I face this knowledge? Can I survive until the time has come? Will I have the strength that is needed? My doubts do not want to leave me alone.

Since I have realized that James is dead, that I am imprisoned here, that no one can and will help me, I fight against this indifference which threatens to engulf me. Even my hate has forsaken me in this night.

Once again I touch the blade. It would only be a moment. My hand closes around the knife. I feel the burning pain in my palm and close my eyes.

Softly, as it would come from a thick fog, I hear James' voice, and hear him telling me that I am his light in darkness. I remember his dark brown eyes, his laugh and his strong arms that caught me every time I flung myself at him.

A single tear is running down my cheek. Just yesterday I still thought that I, as well, had no tears anymore, which I could cry. Again I look at my mirror reflection. I have the strange feeling that James is with me. The shadowy picture changes and I see James. My indifference, my doubts fade away, as do my fears.

How long I already have stood here, how long I have stared into the darkness of the night, I do not know. I only know one thing; I was mistaken. Gradually my grip around the knife loosens.

For one instant I stare down at the silvery blade. Then I raise my head. Even if it will be more than I can bear, I will live.

Gently, I put my hand on my stomach and I see how the shadow of a smile appears on my face.

A light returns to my eyes that becomes ever brighter.

My life does have still a sense. There is still hope…

A/N: The sequel to this story is: "Even in the Darkest Night"