Rating: G
Summary: Hi, my name is Relena Peacecraft and I want to welcome you to stalking for beginners. R&R
Disclaimer: I wish I owned them, I also wish I was a millionaire and married to Johnny Depp but what ya gonna do?
A/N Written ages ago before being dragged up and given the kiss of life. Originally was a French essay which I had to write on the topic 'My Hobby.' I wrote about stalking and a friend of mine wrote about world dictatorship – shrugs – go figure.
Welcome to Stalking 101Relena Peacecraft bit her lip; she had drafted treaties, presided over the fates of warring nations and ruled a united planet. Despite this, however, she could quite honestly say that she'd never been this nervous. Being asked to teach a private, invitation only, class at the prestigious L4 University was an honour in itself but the knowledge that so many young people would benefit from her words filled her with a sense of awe.
After all, to the young women she was about to speak to her teachings could mean the difference between a successful future and a failed one.
Taking a deep breath she decided that she'd waited long enough and stepped out onto the podium that had been erected for her lectures.
Taking a few moments to survey her class she smiled round at the nervous young women and started to speak.
"Hi, my name is Relena Peacecraft and I want to welcome you to Stalking for Beginners."
There was definite excitement on the faces of her students now, all poised to take notes at the slightest provocation.
She relaxed slightly and began. "Right then, this first lesson I want to go over the order the lectures are going to take for the next few weeks. That way, should you feel particularly confident in some areas or lacking in others it will be possible for you to concentrate on the areas where you need the most help." She gazed round at the entranced expressions of her students. "And remember for course that I myself will be available immediately following each lecture to answer any questions you may have.
She winked at the class, "After all, the details are the key."
Pressing a button on the laptop and headline immediately appeared, projected on the wall.
'Lesson One – What Stalking Is'.
She surveyed her notes and then looked up, to her delight everyone was writing the header down.
"This is basically the most important lesson of this course. Not to say that this is all you need to know. You'll never catch your crush if you don't successfully implement the rest of the steps but if you don't know what you're trying to do I can guarantee that you will fail dismally.
"Can anyone answer me this question."
Immediately a hand shot up and she called on the girl, who stood up, eyes blazing.
"Stalking is the result of an unhealthy obsession, you're sick-!"
She was cut off as two private guards chloroformed her and dragged her limp body out of the room.
Relena waved a hand dismissively, "She'll be fine, she'll have a bit of a headache and slight memory loss when she wakes up but that's it. Now," her eyes narrowed, "is there anyone else here who shares her opinion?"
The room was as silent as the grave. Relena smirked, "good, because there is no way that little display would have been silenced without my having done some stalking. I was a nobody till I met Heero but that brings me back to my question…
"Basically stalking is following your chosen victim, subject, darling, loved one, the object of your obsession, no matter what you want to call it, around until they crack, and admit you are what they have wanted all along." As she spoke the words they appeared upon the projection and Relena felt a sense of pride wash over her as every student diligently copied.
Another key was hit and 'Lesson Two – Study Your Target' appeared.
Relena's eyes grew dreamy as she remembered. "I was fifteen when I met Heero and the major mistake I made can be easily attributed to that. Keep in mind there was no course like this to help me. Anyway, after our perfect meeting," her eyes danced in remembrance. "I'd saved his life and so he tried to blow himself up. I was all set to stalk him until I realised that I had no idea who he was, where he lived or if he already had a stalker. I had made a classic mistake and as such could have lost my Heero."
Her eyes took on a steely glint as she departed the next piece of advice. "Find out if there is anyone you need to dispose of first. Eliminate any rivals ASAP, blow them up, shoot them, behead them if you need to, anything so they won't interfere with your plans."
Several of her students were looking shocked and she sought quickly to reassure them, "I know it seems harsh but this will be studied in far greater depth during this lesson and you'll come to fully understand then just how necessary it is."
Seeing the mollified expressions she felt the glow of satisfaction that comes of knowing the she was with people who truly understood her.
"Right then, lesson three."
'Lesson Three – Be Persistent'.
"Every good relationship has it's quirks, there will be disagreements, there will be arguments. Just remember that no matter how many times your beloved threatens to kill, maim or castrate you, you know they love you really. They're just playing hard to get, remember it works for men as well as women. I didn't let Heero's first death threat put me off, or the second, or the third, or the fourth come to think and I was proved right in the end, he couldn't shoot me, therefore he must love me. There's no way that the two bullet holes in his would have put him off if he really wanted me dead after all."
Relena grinned, knowing the truth of her words and decided to impart a little more of her hard-earned wisdom. "Don't let distance put you off either, read their mail, bug their transportation, hire the best private detectives in the world." She shot them a stern look, "do anything so you know where they are, where they're headed next and with whom. Follow them to the Antarctic if you have to…" She hesitated and decided this was worth dropping in, she hadn't worked it out after all. "But, if you do end up in the Antarctic, wear more than a scarf, it tends to get rather chilly."
'Lesson Four – Be Patient'.
"Now, I probably won't have to tell you this, you're all bright enough to work it out for yourselves but stalking takes time. It will take a long time for their security force (if they're rich enough) or them (if you happen to be stalking an ex-gundam pilot) to get used to you. Be careful, you might end up with a bullet hole in you."
She abandoned the podium and walked across the stage, pointing the remote control at the laptop the words 'Lesson Five – Get Their Attention and Keep It' appeared.
She sat down at the edge of the stage, feeling perfectly comfortable doing so, secure in the knowledge that these were her people.
She watched them seriously, "If they are worthy of a stalking they must have a caring bone in their body somewhere, playing the Damsel In Distress card will help immensely here. Your hero," she giggled, "no pun intended, will not be able to resist the wounded heroine act for very long." She hesitated for a moment, unsure as to whether of not she should reveal this trade secret then shrugged she'd had her go, time for someone else to try it. See if the old methods were as successful today as they'd been when she'd first started stalking. "In fact I would recommend standing at the top of a cliff and screaming for them to come and kill you. This is bound to bring your rescuer running to save you wondering what's wrong." She laughed, "It's not something they'll forget in a hurry either."
As the next header appeared on the projection, she smiled approvingly.
"Lesson Six, Allow Your Saviour's White Knight Tendencies to Show. Very important this one. Remember that, above all things your hero is a hero. They need to rescue you every so often, it makes them feel important.One of the best ways to do this is by throwing yourself into the most dangerous situations possible as often as possible. Jump in front of assassins' bullets. Use a classic and tie yourself to a railroad tracks," she rubbed her arms absent-mindedly, "that one can be painful though so be careful. Anyway," she shook her head, "be relentless in giving them a chance to show their interest." She tilted her chin," I mean, they can't ignore you forever."
Lesson Seven's heading, 'Show Them Their Opinion Matters' appeared and Relena clapped her hands.
"Girls, this one is fun, it gives you two the chance to connect and also to show them that no matter how important you are they still count." Her eyes turned downcast suddenly.
"Now I'm afraid my example won't be able to be replicated very easily but as it was the most successful bonding moment for Heero and myself I decided to leave it in." She brightened, "I'm sure you'll come up with your own ideas. Just make sure you ignore all other advice until your sweetheart voices an opinion, it doesn't matter if someone else has already said it."
She looked earnestly around the room, "This is about making the one you love feeling appreciated, never mind about any counsellors giving you guidance. My example is the time I waited until the enemy were nearly at my country's borders before I listen to advice, that came from Heero naturally, about possibly investing in some troops.
"Now, this next one is something you should all excel at as none of you are the same, you'll have to make sure you're different in different ways though. The first lesson of week three will be 'Be a Bit Different'."Being royalty is good, being Queen of the World is better. But even then don't hesitate to let your vulnerable side shine through. Remember, you're still a woman after all. And, if you happen to ever find yourself on the wrong side of a semi-automatic held by your stalked, don't scream, bow your head, look vulnerable, tug at his heart strings, don't worry though, there's no way they'd ever shoot you."
At this she looked up and waved enthusiastically, "Heya Heero!" All of the class turned to the balconies at the back of the hall but the young man was gone with a rustle of the curtains and a muffled curse.
"Eventually though might just become part of the relationship," she winked.
"At this point in the lecture schedule you'll be nearly ready to go out on your own but there's one thing you must always remember and that's what Lesson Nine will be concentrating on, Don't Gloat."She stood up and walked across the stage, making eye contact with most of her students as she did some, some were looking at the ground.
"Now I know it sounds obvious but after he realises his true feelings and blows up the fortress you are being held prisoner in it will be far too easy to revel in your triumph. The actions you are taking now will determine the rest of your life and you must remember that your champion will hate weakness, especially in himself. Instead be caring, be kind, be understanding, stroke his hair and hold him to your breast." She gave a slightly lecherous grin, "if he has any taste at all he won't want to move even when he regains consciousness."
"And finally," she reached the laptop and hit a key, "Lesson Ten – Be Cautious." She levelled them with a serious stare.
"Remove any," she emphasised the word again, "any beepers, pagers, mobiles, cell phones, even carrier pigeons before you haul them away but don't get distressed either."
She gave a reassuring smile, "they don't really want to call the police, they're just stunned by your overwhelming personality. Give them time to adjust, just keep them away from payphones during that time. Oh, and make sure that when you're riding off into the sunset you use a gundanium carriage, you wouldn't want them escaping would, you?"
She surveyed her flock with pride.
"Your families, your peers and your government know how important you are, they told me to concentrate on what I considered it most important that you know and this is what I have chosen.
By the time you finish this course I guarantee that you will be able to get any man you want. It doesn't matter what direction you take after than, just heed my words and you will be successful."
She clapped her hands, "right then, thank you very much and I'll see you tomorrow for lesson one."
Relena surveyed the class of girls who were now packing away. This class she was tutoring was world's future leaders, she sighed happily. By the time she'd be finished with them they'd be completely worthy politicians, the world was in safe hands.
OwariA/N Right then, that was… weird. Loved it? Hated it? Either way review and tell me why.