CORMORANT POINT
Short future fic. Implied Jate. Don't want to spoil it with summary!
I think it's time to take a walk now. I need to feel the fresh air on my skin, to feel the rain beat down on my hair. I need that more than I need oxygen. I look around. Everyone's occupied with each other. None of them will notice if I just slip away for a while, just to get a breath of fresh air. I pull my coat around shivering shoulders and I step out into the crisp morning breeze.
The path leads from our house straight along the cliff top, and then down towards the beach. I take that path now, walking only slowly, because today I have all the time in the world. The cobbles on the path hurt my feet once, but I'm toughened to it now. I've walked this path so many times, both alone and with other people, especially with you. We used to call it our path and we would walk there at least once a week when we were at home.
The wind whips my hair and I wish I'd tied it back now. You always used to tell me not to, it looked better down, and you would run your fingers through it and stroke it and tell me it was beautiful. And I would blush and try to hide how much that meant to me. It blows across my face, and almost scratches at my skin, companion with the cold in bringing a flush to my cheeks.
My eyes are stinging as well, and slowly salt water runs down my left cheek, stinging where the wind has rubbed it raw. I reach up a gloved hand and wipe it away, feeling the soft wool slide over my skin, soothing it. But my eyes won't stop their crying. My eyes, the eyes that so often reflected yours, my green opposite your hazel, for moments until they closed as we leant in for a kiss. Eyes which mirrored the love and affection in each other's. Eyes which were meant to be a pair.
I stumble a little over a rock or two, but I don't stop. I like this walk, and it calms me. It lets me, just for a little while, forget who I have become. I stand on the third cliff top and stare out at a cold sea the colour of slate. Well, that's Scotland for you. I remember the day you told me we were going somewhere remote to escape. I had never imagined Scotland as one of those options but I learned to love it. I really have.
My cell phone rings in my pocket. I struggle to remove my glove and then I pull it out, hands shaking, and flip it open. Then I answer it.
"Hello, Shannon." "Where are you?"
"Relax, I just went for a walk. Along the cliff path."
I hear Tom, in the background, say, 'I told you so.' I can almost see Shannon giving him an acid stare. Then I hear the baby, Polly, crying, and I guess he's gone to shush her.
"Don't slip off without telling us again!"She says, and she's trying to be matter of fact but I can tell she was worried, and that immediately makes me feel guilty.
"Sorry." I say, "I'll be back soon."
"Keep an eye out for the kids. Di says they went to the beach."
"Alright. Love you. Tell everyone I love them. Bye."
"Love you too. Bye."
I hear the dialling tone as she hangs up, and I sigh with relief. I thought she might offer to come out and join me, and to be honest, today I would rather be alone.
I walk a little further, and that's when I see them. All six of them, ranging in ages from fourteen to three, wrapped up in coats and scarves and gloves, skipping stones on the beach. For a moment I watch them, laughing and joking, five girls and one boy. Then I walk down the cliff path and sit at the top of the beach, unnoticed by them still, but close enough to hear oldest, Ana, clutches little Meggie to her hip, whilst the other three girls, Lizzie, Cassie and Tina, skip stones across the grey sea, laughing. Ana bends down to let Meggie go, and a ball of sand hits her square in the back of the head. The lone boy stands there laughing.
"Jack!" she squeals, and I stiffen at your name. Sometimes it's so easy to forget that you aren't right beside me when I wake up every morning, that you don't fall into step next to me when we walk anymore. You were taken too young, and some part of me still refuses to believe you are gone, I think. But the boy runs across and throws another ball of sand straight at her. Then she is scooping sand up to throw back at him and for a while they are laughing, throwing sand and screaming at each other, all five of them, whilst Meggie wanders. I watch her wander towards the sea, and I start, ready to grab her back, but Ana whisks her up into her arms and tosses her over her head, the little girl laughing with delight. I smile at them all, and then Cassie sees me. She runs over, stumbling on the wet sand as she runs.
"Hello." she says, and her eyes, hazel eyes, are bright with the cold. She throws herself into my arms and I hug her tight.
"What are you doing?" Lizzie asks, and I notice she has come over too, closely followed by the other four, Ana and Jack especially covered with sand. I try to look annoyed for a moment and then I laugh.
"I was taking a walk." I say, "You look like you were having fun."
"Jack threw sand at me." Ana said indignantly, I can tell she is fighting the battle with herself whether to rise above it and dismiss it all as childish, or to play along with them. Playing wins. "And I couldn't exactly just take it!"
Meggie has settled herself on my lap now, and Tina squats on the sand beside me. "You'd better be getting back." I say, checking my watch, "It's nearly tea time."
"Are you coming?" Ana asks, lifting Meggie from my lap, and Jack gives me a hand up.
"Tell your Mom I'll be half an hour. Don't wait for me for tea. I'll be there later."
"Alright." Ana shrugs, and the six of them head off up the cliff path whilst I head in the opposite direction.
I hear their shouts of goodbye as I walk away. And then I feel a hand slipping into mine. "Can I come with you, Grandma?" Cassie asks. I bend down as far as I can and kiss her cheek.
"Not today, pet." I say. Cassie has been a frequent companion on my walks of late. "Run, catch up with the others. I'll see you for dinner."
"Bye, Grandma." she says, and pecks my wrinkled cheek lightly. "Say hi to Grandpa for me."
Tears sting my eyes, and this time they're not from the rain."I sure will, honey. See you."
"Bye." she says, and she skips off across over the sand towards her sisters and brother. I round the corner in the cove, and they are gone from view.
For nearly a year, Cassie pestered me about why I walked out here. And then, when I finally told her that I came to Cormorant Point to talk to Grandpa, she said I was mad. I remember it now.
"But Grandpa's in heaven with Mummy's cat Tigger." she said, and I had laughed and ruffled her hair.
"He comes down sometimes, and sits on Cormorant Point. He can't talk, and you can't see him or feel him, but he likes to listen to what I have to say. Just for a while"
And she had come with me every sunday after that. And here I am now, Jack, at Cormorant Point. Where you asked me to marry you, and where I told you I was pregnant with Shannon. Maybe I am mad, but sometimes I do see you here, smiling at me, watching me closely. I'm not stupid, I know that you wouldn't look like that anymore, that you would be old and grey and wrinkled, just like I am. But I still see you the same as I always saw you, still young and strong and passionate and...wonderful. My Jack.
It's been over 30 years since you died. It was hard on the children, especially Tommy, who wasn't even five yet. I don't think he really remembers you. Or Diane, she was only six. But I know Shannon does, because she was ten, and sometimes we talk about you. She remembers the strangest things, Jack, like how you used to button up your shirt all wrong when you were nervous, and how you used to make circles on my cheeks with your thumbs when I cried. You went so quickly, it was hard for all of us to take in. It was the brain tumour in the end, that finished you off. But we knew it wouldn't be long. The lung cancer was back for the second time and you knew as well as I did that it was nearly over. I'm just grateful you were only sick for a couple of months. That time before Tommy was born, with the cancer, and then for two months before you died. I know you were in a lot of pain. You told me it wasn't all that bad but I know you were lying to make me feel better.
Shannon's husband, Michael, is wonderful. She has two girls, Ana, and Christina, but we call her Tina. She's a musician, like she always wanted to be. Diane's had both a husband and a boyfriend, but both of them were jerks and she's now furiously single, with her four kids, Jack, Lizzie, Cassie and little Meggie. She's a nurse. And then there's Tom, Tommy, the son you hardly knew. He's a recently promoted consultant neurologist. He's with Joanna now, and they've just had a baby girl, Polly, and she's adorable. You'd be so proud of him, Jack.
I never married again. I know you wouldn't've minded, you would've wanted me to be happy, but our love was so strong that I couldn't seem to ever find anything as good. So I just struggled through life with the kids, Shannon especially was brilliant, and I never needed anyone else. Because whenever I looked at any of our children, and later, our grandchildren, you were there, staring right back at me.
So here I am, Jack, my darling. On Cormorant Point. It's cold, but the cold doesn't bother me anymore. Not like when we were first here and we'd been so used to island heat. No. The wind won't blow me away, either, though I'm swaying on my feet. I can almost see you, a few feet out to sea, like the day you went in the water to save that woman. And then you beat yourself up after because she drowned. If I could just reach you...
I don't care that I am wading in, and that the water chills me to my bones. I can see you, you are almost in reach...
The water reached my waist now. You're smiling at me. I know what I'm doing, but my children can look after themselves now. I've left them able to live on without me. The time has come to choose between them and you, and I must choose you.
I feel the water on my neck. I can't feel my toes, they're numb. But I keep walking...
And I keep walking...
And the warmth begins to spread.
IN LOVING MEMORY OF:
JACK ROBERT SHEPHERD BELOVED HUSBAND AND FATHER TAKEN TOO YOUNG MAY HE BE SORELY MISSED
AND
KATHERINE ANNE SHEPHERD WIFE, MOTHER AND GRANDMOTHER CLAIMED BY THE SEA MAY SHE FIND HER LOVE IN PARADISE
A young girl of about thirteen with long dark curly hair and hazel eyes stands over the graves one last time. She knows that she may never see them again in this lifetime. "Cas. Cassie. It's time to go." A teenage boy calls from the gate to the churchyard. She looks up.
"OK, Jack. Just one more minute." she calls back, but her brother is already beside her, comforting her with an arm around her shoulders. She smiled weakly.
"You know Ana promised she would come everyday and give them your love, Cas. Anyway, Grandma's not here anymore. She's up there"
Cassie smiled at him with wide eyes. "No, she isn't, Jack. She's in here." And she placed her hand against his beating heart, lifting his other hand to hers. Then she wiped her eyes fiercely. "I'm ready to go now, Jack. America here we come"
He nodded and began to lead her away, glancing back at the gravestone just the once.
I am old and grey now
But I used to be young
And you used to say
My hair was the colour of chestnuts
My eyes are wrinkled,
Hidden behind glasses
But once they were alive
What you called the colour of emeralds
And sparkling
I am tired of life now
But I used to be happy
With you by my side
Never failing to want
To be alive
Always smiling
Nothing could touch me
When I was with you.
Now I stand by your grave
And I weep
But once I lay in your arms
And I felt complete
I have but a memory now
But once I had the real you
To love and to hold
Forever
I look into the eyes of our children
And our grandchildren
And I remember
I remember the days
When love was blind
And you saw only the good
In me
I remember the weeks
When I was foolish
And I scorned you
I turned against you
I betrayed you
I cheated you
And all you would do was
Forgive me
I see in their eyes
The best of you
And the best of me
And I wonder
Where are you now
Can you see me
So many years on
Still loving you
Still caring for you
Never forgetting you
Counting the seconds until I
Can be with you
Forgetting time
Will have its own way
And I will have to wait.
FINIS