Nirvana
One: Three of a kind
This world is numb. And as the voice continues to talk to me, its words barely breaking through the fluid, I wonder why I feel so numb. My body was only the size of my hand sometime ago, and now I could see my limbs extended from my body-like my hair.
The voice told me that's what it was, hair, eyes, colors-I was seeing a transparent smoky grey. It taught me words, all kind of animals I've never seen, and what I would see when I am born. When would I be born? And that's when I realize that this world is also cold.
I want to leave so badly, my limbs twitch, and for the first time I inhale. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, the strange fluid made me gag, so I struggle. Moving my limbs for the first time, reaching to the surface, my hand passes the barrier and feels instant coolness-not like this world's cold, what I would imagine a breeze would feel like. My hand is grabbed and I am pulled out of the world and born into a new one. Life.
"You're finally born!" the voice cheers,
"Happy Birthday, Bao"
As the strange people in white clothing surround me, I look into the mirror before me, and see myself for the first time. Comparing to the others, I was rather small, and my hair sweeps across the floor, and my eyes…my eyes are strange. They have no color. The strangers cut my hair so that it touched my shoulders. I am clothed.
"You are the first girl to be born in our program," a woman says. As I examine her, she smiles, and ties a piece of string to my hair.
"There, this will contradict to the grey and black, girls should wear brighter colors"
"Why is that?" I ask as she kneels to my height and stares into the mirror.
"A girl's emotions are important" important? And what are emotions? So many questions I want to ask, but I stay quiet for now. I know now that I am a girl, I am called Bao, but who is the voice that I so longed to see in body. And as if on cue, I hear that voice, loud and cheery.
"Can we play with Bao now?" I turn to the embodied voice, a boy about my size, with such entrancing eyes-so lively, what, perhaps, beauty would be. And his hair was the color of pitch black, the color I see behind my eyelids.
"She was born only a few hours ago Alma, its still too early. Unlike you and Yu, her body is quite fragile and needs more time to develop" Alma pouts and walks up to me, looking me in the eyes.
"She looks fine to me!" the woman frowns, her eyes darken and I imagine what fear would feel like.
"Out! And don't bother her until she is ready for such strenuous activities!" Alma runs out the room, taking all of his cheeriness with him. The woman places her hands on her hips and exhales deeply.
"What are you called?" I ask the woman, who expression softens when looking down to me.
"My name is Tui Chang, but you will call me ma'am, understand" her voice is stern, but not in a scary way like her eyes.
"Turn around Bao, I want to give you something as well" I turn as a man puts an odd looking string around my neck. Dangling from the string is a shape I did not recognize.
"What is it?" I ask touching the shape as it lye on my chest.
"It's a necklace, this part-," he points to the string,
"-Is a chain and this-" he points to the shape,
"Is a heart"
"A heart? What is a heart?" the man smiles solemnly, his eyes are a dark green. His finger touches the left side of my chest. He takes my hand and places it over that exact spot. I didn't feel it at first, but as I wait, a soft, repeating, thump would lightly beat against my hand.
"Your heart is the key to all of your emotions, this necklace shall represent yourself, and the chain shall represent your emotions. As long as the chain remains connected to the heart, you will have everything you need" though I have questions I remain silent, somehow knowing that this man would not be able to answer them. The kind of question I would have to find out for myself.
"What a useless thing to give her" says Tui coldly, yet the man laughs it off as if it were a joke.
"I figured since you were giving her the ribbon, I wanted to give her something too…something precious" Tui does not comment.
"I'm Edgar, but you little Bao, can call me Eddy, isn't that cute?" my brows burrow,
"Cute, what is cute?"
"You are!" and he picks me up throws me into the air. I think I felt fright, my eyes widen, my heart beat a little faster and harder. He catches me and holds me in his arms. And then I saw the oddest thing leaving his eyes. Fluids rolling down his cheeks.
"So, so cute"
The voice is a boy named Alma and another boy, born just like us, is called Yu. His eyes remind me of the coldness in the world before I was born. I didn't know whether to be afraid of him, or accept that his eyes look scary.
"I wish we could play Bao, when I was born I could already punch a crater into a three hundred pound boulder" Alma says. He lye next to me in the bed I reside in, as well as Yu.
"Quite bragging Alma, we all know that never happened" Yu says, causing Alma's cheeks to puff up.
"How would you know? You weren't even born!" I learned that it was very easy to get Alma mad, an emotion that caused a person's pupils to shrink, yet, and oddly, Alma's pupils always enlarged.
"We're not even suppose to be here, if Tui catches us she'll beat you to near death"
"She's not gonna catch us, and I refuse to leave Bao alone. Plus, I didn't ask you to come along" Yu sucks his teeth and made no come back.
"What color is my hair, Alma?" I ask, twirling a strand in a finger.
"Red…like a blood red"
"What is blood?"
"The liquid inside you" Yu says matter-of-factly. I have liquid inside me?
"Do you have blood, Yu?"
"Of course I do, everyone does"
"Even Alma?" Alma giggles,
"You wanna see my blood?"
"No one wants to see your disgusting blood!" Yu yells,
"My blood is not disgusting!" they were becoming louder with each comment, and eventually Tui walks in, flames seemingly dancing around her in an angry fury.
"Uh-oh" Alma and Yu say in together.
"Out! Now!" Twi says between grit teeth. The two boys scurry out of the room. The woman than closed the door and left me alone.
In the morning I ask Eddy what happened to me last night. When I closed my eyes I was sucked into this world, a completely illogical and wondrous world, where I was watching little lights in darkness while lying on a big white cotton ball, and holding onto a black piece of paper.
"You had a dream, little Bao" he says while re-tying the string into my hair.
"Dreams occur when you sleep, and in most cases, they don't make sense. But there are always hidden messages in dreams, sometimes they can show the future, or bring up the past, or even review events throughout your day.
I like to say that dreams are practically a whole other dimension. But Tui gets mad when I think so childish-like, hehe" he picks me up and holds me with one arm,
"Are you hungry? Little Bao?" I nod, and we head to the cafeteria. When we arrive Yu and Alma are fighting again, causing Eddy to sigh deeply.
"Not again" he says.
"TAKE IT BACK!" Alma shouts while picking up a table and throwing at Yu.
"TAKE BACK WHAT YOU SAID!" Yu punches the table and it splits into two. He then rushes up to Alma and rips his arm off. Blood spurts from the wound, and Alma screams horribly.
"GAH! YOU BASTARD, I'LL KILL YOU!" Alma grabs Yu with his usable hand and rips off Yu's leg.
"SH-SHIT! MY LEG!"
"Oh man! Stop these two! Hurry it up their ripping limbs off again!" Eddy shouts. I clasp onto Eddy's white jacket, feeling woozy from the blood that stain the floor, Alma, and Yu; the strange strings dangling from Alma's ripped arm, and Yu's ripped leg, made me want to sleep.
"Are you alright little Bao, its just a little blood they do this all the time, soon this'll look like nothing more than a small kiddie fight" Eddy says cheerfully, but I still hear the hesitance and uncertainty in his voice.
Tui comes into the room as the people in white coats restrained Alma and Yu. She slaps both of them hard and begins to lecture them-that's what Alma calls it when she talks, lecturing.
"How many times must I tell you not to rip each other apart! The seal is not meant for fighting. I suggest you cut it out, otherwise I will lock both of you away." With that said she walks off. The people in the white jackets come in with supplies and immediately work on Alma's and Yu's wounds.
"How can they use their bodies now when they're missing a piece?" I ask Eddy,
"Because of the seal their limbs regenerate as well…very inhumane-like" inhumane? What was that?
"You have a seal too, little Bao"
I play with Alma and Yu for the first time since my birthday. Alma calls the game "tag".
"Its easy! All ya gotta do is catch the other person! Right Yu"
"Don't involve me in your games" Alma laughs off his comment,
"Yu is it first! Hurry Bao, we gotta run!" Alma and I take off, Yu running after us-though I thought he wasn't playing. We ran throughout headquarters, Alma occasionally would get caught, and manage to catch Yu again-yet neither of them managed to catch me.
"Are you going easy on me?" I say with a pout,
"What, easy? I can't catch up to you at all" Alma says in-between breaths.
"Alma's right Bao, your fast" Yu says. Was that something to be happy about? In the end I was nowhere near as strong as Alma and Yu.
"Bao!" I turn and face Tui, she is surrounded by people in dark coats.
"Come, its time learn your purpose" Yu stares bitterly at her while Alma stares sadly at me. I follow Tui to a secluded room; a metal table was in the middle with unknown symbols and engravings.
"Strap her down" the people in the dark coats grab me and place me on the table, leather belts hold me down by my legs, arms, and chest.
"Begin the ritual" the pain is instant. It travels down my spine, through my limbs, into my brain, scorching, stabbing, unbearable agony. I scream, my back arcs, I struggle to break free from the restraints in vain.
Fluids came from eyes, blood spurts everywhere, I am tearing apart, I feel my skin rip my muscles fall out my legs, guts explode from my stomach-the pain made me see white. And then everything went black.
I dream again. A man is in my dream; he's holding my hand. His eyes are a deep gold. His skin is brown. His hair is black and long. I want to reach out and touch his hair, I try to do so, but he laughs and grabs my hand.
He says something to me but I can't here the words. Just this buzzing sound that I wish would go away. He cups my cheek, pressing his thumb against my lips. The sky is dark with sprinkles of little balls of light.
I hold the black paper in my hand to the sky, and watch the wind take it. I wake and see Alma glaring down at me with fluids flowing down his cheeks.
"Oh Bao! You're alive!" he cries, and embraces me. Alive? But I was so sure that I had died. That pain, it left a tingling aftermath.
"You're so small and slim, Yu thought you'd die for sure, but not me!" this is when I realize it. I would feel the pain again, and Alma and Yu had to endure this pain for so long that it doesn't bother them anymore. I feel the fluids brimming in my eyes.
"It hurt so much Alma" I cry,
"Aw, I know Bao, trust me I know" I smother my face onto his stomach and cry; his hand rubs my back.
"Even though Yu acts so tough he did the exact same thing after his first trial"
Eddy finds me in the cafeteria sitting with Yu and Alma, eating this wonderful substance called ice cream. Mine is strawberry flavor with a lot of whip cream.
"Hey, little Bao. How ya feeling?" he sits next to us. My body aches, but I ignore it-if Alma and Yu can endure it than so will I.
"Fine" I reply,
"Eat some ice cream Eddy!" Alma says, Eddy laughs and shakes his head.
"Don't mind if I do" he takes Alma's spoon and dips it in the ice cream, taking a large chunk of vanilla and sticking it in his mouth. I eat another spoonful, smiling as the sweet flavor sinks onto my tongue.
"Are there more sweet foods?" I ask,
"Of course, there're all kinds of sweet foods! Let's ask Old Man Zhu for more!" Alma says. We all gulp down the ice cream and run-leaving Eddy behind- to the place were Old Man Zhu and a few others make the food-I think it's called the kitchen.
"Oh, back for more ice cream children?" Zhu asks, his eyes still amaze me, no matter how many times I've seen them. So gentle yet so sorrowful-what is he so sad about?
"Have any other sweets?" Yu says.
"Of course of course, how about moon pies?"
"Yes! I love moon pies!" Alma yells cheerfully. The old man smiles and disappears from our view only to return with a plate stacked with circular shapes. For each one, there was a strange creamy thing in the middle.
"There you go children, tell me what you think? I added a different filling this time" We try the pies. I bite into mine, and my eyes widen. As I chew the cream explodes in my mouth, the flavor is unlike any other food I've tried.
A taste that may be the best I'll ever have-and as I savor the taste I begin to cry. I look to see Alma and Yu's expression-Alma is crying as well, Yu looks on the verge of doing so.
"So goooooood~" Alma croons.
"There you are!" Tui yells, making us jump in surprise.
"Its time for the trials!" we all groan, and try to finish the moon pies but she grabs the plate and shoves it back to Old Man Zhu,
"Now" we submit to her command and follow her to hell.
I can hear Alma and Yu screaming as well. The sounds of their blood ripping out of their bodies, their bones crushing, their limbs twisting. But the worst sounds, is of their death and agonizing rebirth.
"Five hundred and ten seconds till Yu's rebirth, Alma has just awoken begin the synchronization once more"
"Bao has awakened begin the synchronization once more" I try to forget the pain; I let my mind wander. That man in my dream, I'm so curious to know him.
"Yu has awakened begin the synchronization once more" I wonder how Alma and Yu forget the pain-perhaps they don't.
"Shit, Fuck the innocence" I hear Yu say bitterly.
"In…nocence" what is that? Is it the reason why we suffer, if so than I hate the innocence too; I hate it with all my soul. My head explodes, I no longer can think.
Early in the morning I go to the place where I was born. I sit against the wall, crying. This emotion I feel is so deep. I learned what a leech was from Eddy, he likes to read me books about animals that live under water.
The leech sucks blood, that's how it eats. I feel like there is a leech attached to me, eating me. I grab my chest and cry harder; why hasn't the pain gone away yet?
"Don't cry" the voice is faint but I hear it, and look up staring at the man in my dream.
"its not lady-like to cry" he says, then turns into mist.
"Bao?" Alma sits on one side of me; Yu sits on the other side.
"Good morning" I say, wiping the tears off my cheeks.
"Let's greet the others" Alma smiles and nods. Except for Yu, we go to each pond and greet the sleeping bodies within. I start a conversation with one of the bodies in the pond-I don't know how Alma remembers all of their names-and talk about the man I saw.
"He has black hair and gold eyes and brown skin. He told me not to cry just a few hours ago. But, how can I not cry when my body always hurts. Now that I think about it, I believed the world your in to be numb, but this new world. This life. Its just like it. Numb. But at least I have Alma and Yu, they understand my pain, we get along very well. Though Yu does get violent from time to time-but I don't blame him" the one-sided conversation goes on for another hour. I pick up on Alma's conversation with one of the sleeping bodies.
"Ever heard of Paradise? They say its this wonderful place with no sadness. Its always happy and filled with sweets and no adults-" Paradise. I wonder if we'll ever reach it. Alma talks for another few hours, then we go to the cafeteria for breakfast.
The man appears a lot now. In my dreams, while I'm eating, while I'm playing, even during the trials-he's there saying the same words over and over.
"Don't cry, its not lady-like to cry" I tell Alma and Yu about the man. Alma calls him a ghost. Yu says he sees a woman every now and then. I tell Eddy about it. He runs his hand through his hair and begins to cry.
"Why'd you tell me this Bao, you should've kept it to yourself" I don't know why he's crying, but I do what the man does and tell him the exact same words.
"Don't cry, its not lady-like to cry"
"Lady-like…?" his brow lifts, and then he does the oddest thing and begins to laugh and cry.
Yu is taken and locked away the next day. Alma says they are going to dispose of him, so we have to save him. There is no real security, other than the people in white coats, so getting to Yu was easy. We take him and leave, using the buildings underground sewer tunnels to escape. Alma is carrying Yu while I run behind him to make sure he stays in place.
"It'll be alright Yu, we're all leaving this place, we'll be free soon. We'll go to Paradise" Yu begins to cry. It doesn't take long for the people in dark coats to find us,
"Dammit, the Crow caught up faster than I thought" Alma says,
"We gotta run Bao!" so we take off. Trying to sprint through rushing water. I feel a sharp pain in my legs, I look to see thick needles-having pierced nearly straight through my legs. Strange paper binds our bodies, and we fall, we fail. We stop near the edge of this tunnel, and in a last attempt to save Yu, Alma kicks him over the edge.
"NO ALMA!"
"It'll be alright Yu, you'll be free"
Tui finds out that I'm able to the see the man, and just like Eddy, cries.
"Not you too Bao" she holds me in her arms and shows a very weak side of herself. Alma has been restrained. And I am kept in another room strapped to a chair awaiting the future. The man says something different this time,
"Don't cry, its not lady-like to cry. How will Road feel when she sees you in such a state" Road. Who was that?
"But I want to cry, I'm sure she'll understand" I don't even know why I said that.
"I don't want you to go" the man says, a hint of sadness quavers in his tone.
"But I must. And just like you said. I'm another tragedy waiting to happen."
"No you aren't Bao! We're going to find Yu and leave" Alma yells. I didn't even notice him come into the room. The door was dented and on the floor. Alma's arms and legs were bleeding. He rips off the straps,
"We have to move forward, we can't die here. Not this way" Alma begins to cry.
"We're humans Bao, even though we're born different, we're still human. Our lives can't end this way" He grabs my arm and I began to cry too. I help Alma up and we move. We follow Yu's screams to a room we've never seen before.
There was a large hole in the floor with a long pipe leading down to the next floor. We go up to the hole looking down it.
"The screaming stopped" I say.
"There you two are! Stop what your doing" Eddy is running towards us, I panic and jolt forwards, falling into the hole. Alma grabs my hand but is pulled down with me.
"You idiots! You can't go down there!" Eddy shouts angrily. And I scold myself for making him cry again.
When we reach the bottom, I look up to see preserved corpses. This strong bloody scent made me gag, and as I turn to Alma, he stares at the corpses, his eyes leaking fluids.
"Alma?"
"That's me…" his words are barely audible. I stare back at the corpses, looking to a particular one. One that I realize seems oddly familiar. The man appears, he stands next to that corpse, he's crying. And all of the memories, my memories, come back to me. They rush through my conscious viciously, I feel like my head will explode again. This image of my death, that man was there and another man was there too.
Why were they both crying? And if I died, how am I here now? Alma has a blank look, that's the first time I ever seen him that way. His once lively eyes held no emotion whatsoever.
I look to my real self once more. What had they done to me? What had they done to us? Alma's arm has morphed into a skin blade. He stabs himself with the blade, and gradually, as his emotions went wild, he hacks away at his body. The stench of his blood is strong, his guts spilling out of his stomach makes me puke. So much is happening that my mind can't take it, and I pass out.
I wake up and Yu is staring down at me. The fluids coming from his eyes drip onto my face.
"Where's Alma? Is he okay?" I ask wearily.
"No. I killed him, I chopped him up into pieces, its just us now" I look up and see this vast blue.
"What is that Yu? Is this Paradise" I say, he looks up as well.
"That's the sky Bao, and…to be honest I don't think we'll ever reach Paradise. At least not me I'm going to hell"
"You killed Alma" I cry
"Do you hate me now?" the man appears again, he stands behind Yu, staring down at me with the same despairing eyes as Yu. A memory surfaces to my conscious. The man was looking to the sky and in his hands was the dead corpse of the fourteenth.
"You killed him" I had said. His gold eyes bore onto mine,
"I freed him. He was suffering and I put him out of it. You see, in a world filled with suffering death is the only way out. And death…creates tragedy"
"No, I don't hate you Yu. You freed Alma. He's not suffering anymore"