Notes: Shizuka-centric one shot, in which the inevitable pair of Honda and Ryuuji is very present and very...discussed.
Sakura: eyebrow raised Shizuka, huh? Why?
Rowan: She's ignored. You rarely see her point of view. I thought it'd be interesting to do a one-shot in her POV.
Sakura: ...If you say so.
Rowan: smile I do. Enjoy! Oh, and I don't own! I don't own anything at all!
White Blossoms Die Too
"Are you sure about this? Are you sure you know what you're doing?" Her eyes stare into mine, questioning, probing, as if trying to find any hint of an answer in mine. My amber orbs are steel though, and I know she finds nothing in them but determination; determination to fulfill my promise to myself. Sighing, Mai turns her head away from me. "If you must, then I cannot stop you. But...why? Why do you wish to do this? Jounouchi...will be hurt by your decision, you know."
I nod my head, but I am not sympathetic. "I know, but I have to do this. For Jou, for me...for everyone. It may hurt them, may hurt Jou...but that's the way with life, isn't it?" I smile, humorlessly. "We go through life, loving, laughing, hurting. I've loved, laughed, and been hurt. Now it is my turn to dole out my share of hurt to the others." I glance over at my companion and find her face to be one of open and utter shock, violet eyes wide and pained. I think I sense a hint of disappointment in those lovely purple irises as well. Reaching my hand out, I grasp Mai's own hand and squeeze it gently. "I don't want to hurt anyone Mai. I...I just have to do this. You understand me, don't you?"
Mai nods, her blonde locks moving wildly about her face. "I do. You can't be a porcelain doll forever."
"No," I reply, "you can't."
---
Five months prior to Mai's and my conversation, I was hanging out with Jounouchi and his group of friends: Muoto Yuugi, Mazaki Anzu, Kujaku Mai, Otogi Ryuuji, Honda Hiroto, and Bakura Ryou. I was never really close with either Yuugi or Anzu, and I barely knew Bakura. At the time Otogi and Honda were still "courting" me, so it was a rare moment I had to myself; there was always at least one of them by my side. Mai and I were close, best friends, almost. Of course, we spend quite a lot of time together. Even during Battle City, for which Mai was unconscious most of the time, I felt close to her. She was everything I wasn't. Mai was brave, fought her own battles, and incredibly independent. She was never the type to admit weakness, especially not to an adversary. Nearly everyone was an enemy to Mai. That's why it was so interesting to see my brother and Mai's relationship. Jou instinctively wanted to protect her, it seemed to me. When he couldn't protect me or fight for me, he turned his care to Mai. In a way, our bond to Jou bonded us as well. Like, because she was Jou's girlfriend, she had to be my best friend.
We were in the game shop, Yuugi's grandfather gone for the weekend, so we were all gathered to hang out. It was a rainy Saturday, so we were forced to entertain ourselves inside. Somehow, we found ourselves gathered in the salon, draped over the chairs and the couch, bored and tired of it. I had found myself between Honda and Otogi, with Mai to Honda's left and Yuugi to Otogi's right. Across, sitting in a sofa chair was Anzu, sharing the seat with slim white-haired Bakura. In the empty loveseat sat, sprawled like a large dog, Jounouchi.
I stared across at my brother, who seemed content to make faces at the ceiling. I finally realized he was asleep. My eyes turned to Honda, examining his strong facial features; his rather strange hair, his gentle eyes, his smooth cheeks, his firm chin. My eyes fell down his long tan neck to his broad shoulder, and the arm stretched around my own frail frame, nearly touching Otogi's fingertips. If I had looked closer at that time I would have noticed the way Honda's fingers sought out the raven haired teen's, in an intimate dance for discreet skin contact. But I hadn't noticed. The only thought crossing my mind at the moment was the possessiveness of both men flanking me. How wrong I would turn out to be.
My eyes then turned to Otogi, on my right, and his stalwart arm muscles, though attractively so. My gaze took an opposite path than on Honda, progressing upwards, from the sinewy, lithe, and pale neck, to the velvety jaw, clenched determinedly. Up to the cheek, the one with the dark, mysterious line, covering lord knew what. My eyes ended up, enraptured, on Otogi's entrancing emerald jewels of eyes. I always lost my breath staring into those piercing eyes, which were turned at a painting on the opposite wall.
Finally, I tore my eyes from Otogi's to glance at the others in the room, who, it would seem, were quiet bored. Breaking the silence at long last, I foolishly voiced the want to play a game. The others, however seemed enthused by the idea.
"How about 'I never'," Bakura suggested. The others loudly voiced their objection to that game.
"Not enough soda for everyone," Yuugi reasoned.
"Spin the bottle?" Anzu put forward.
Nobody seemed too excited by this either, probably because Anzu, Mai and myself were the only girls there, and Mai was Jou's girl and everyone knew that Jou would pummel anyone with the poor luck to spin me.
"Truth or Dare?" Yuugi suggested. Since the game did not require any immediate movement on our parts, everyone agreed.
After a moment following the general consensus on playing Yuugi's suggested game, a silence stretched like a rubber band. Finally, Yuugi piped up again. "Shall I start then?" When no one objected, Yuugi turned to Anzu, his obvious crush at the time and asked, "Truth or Dare?" Anzu chose dare, and she was forced to prank call Kaiba-san on her cell phone and ask for four extra large pizzas. The game progressed from Anzu to Jounouchi to Mai to myself. After I took dare and was forced to imitate Jou dueling (which would have been a lot funnier if it wasn't me doing it), I turned to Honda with a smile. "Truth or Dare?"
Honda smiled back and replied, "Dare."
I had hoped he would choose "Truth" for I would have asked him if his hair was naturally pointy or if he just used a lot of hair gel, but for dare I had to think harder. Finally, I blurted out, "I dare you to kiss the one you think you love!" Immediately Jounouchi glared at the brunette, even as he leaned towards me. 'This is it! My first kiss!' I thought excitedly. Honda grew closer and closer and my eyes started to close as I prepared for him to finish off the distance between us with a soft and tender kiss. But it never came. And I watched in shock as Honda moved passed me and planted my kiss on Otogi's waiting lips.
---
I have a memory of Katsuya and me in a park when we were younger. It was springtime and the trees were just blossoming. We were sitting beneath a cherry blossom tree, but its petals were white. I liked that tree a lot, because all the other sakura trees I'd ever seen were pink, and this one was different.
"Why is the tree white?" I foolishly asked my brother. He shrugged. "Because God saw this tree and he said to himself, 'This is a very special tree. I'm going to make it white, so that one day a pretty young girl can sit beneath this tree and marvel at the beauty of the pearly white petals. And these petals will never fall, because this is a very important tree and how could it possibly die?'" Katsuya grinned at me. "Guess what?"
"What?" I could tell by my brother's smile that something good was coming, something that he knew I would find especially comforting and nice.
"God is happy right now, because you've noticed his tree."
"Am I that girl then?"
My brother nodded. "Yes, you are that girl. And God has made you like this tree; you will be admired and all the other girls will envy you for your special ness. And that will never die."
Katsuya's words gave me comfort then and now. Our parents had been fighting more and more at the time and I had begun to think it was because God did not like us. Hearing my brother say that God had chosen me just as he chose the white sakura tree made me feel that I was indeed special.
---
I still cannot get used to the sight of Honda and Otogi walking arm in arm. Had it been anyone else, I wouldn't have minded so much, but because they were both ex admirers of mine, it was a huge blow to my ego. Yes, even I have an ego. But then, who wouldn't be crushed to find that two admirers of yours, who battled so often and viciously for your love, found the other so much more attractive than yourself, and ignored you while they hooked up. That's pretty much what happened to me. Honda and Otogi found the other so much more interesting than me.
Now, on the whole, I have no problem at all with the fact that they are gay, or bi, or whatever. Sure, it hurts a little, but that's because I did love them. I would have liked to link arms with Honda or with Otogi and walk down the street as a couple. Problem for me was I could never choose which one I liked more. Now my problem is I can't have either of them. Sucks, don't it?
The week after Otogi and Honda came out as a couple, I found myself keeping company with Anzu and Mai quite often. I redid my entire wardrobe, going on shopping sprees practically every day. You see, it turns out that Yuugi and Jounouchi (and Bakura too, I think) knew all about Honda and Otogi "dating" behind my back, so I felt very betrayed by them. So did Anzu and Mai, who were pretty much in the dark about the whole thing as well. But after that week, while I was surveying all the new clothes I acquired (and realizing that I would never wear half of them), Jou came into my room. He wanted to have a talk with me.
"Shizuka?" Jou asked, poking his head into my room. "Are you busy?"
I looked at my closet and my dresser, both jam-packed with clothes, then shook my head, sighing. "I think I'm a compulsive shopper," I muttered under my breath as I sank down onto my bed. "No, Jou, I'm not busy at the moment. What's the problem?" My anger at this point had become pretty deflated. I'm not one to stay angry for too long, unless it's at Kaiba.
Jou entered my room, took one look at the abundance of clothing scattered around it, and took a seat in the middle of the floor. "Shizuka, you remember that white sakura tree? The one God chose to be special?"
I nodded. Of course I remember that tree. "Do you remember what I told you about that tree, Shizu?"
"You told me that I was like that tree. That I was special."
Jou smiled and nodded. "That's right. You are just like that tree. You are beautiful, delicate, and unique."
"A porcelain doll," I interjected.
Jou glared at me. "No, like the white sakura tree. You are not a porcelain doll, Shizuka."
I shrugged, not caring what inanimate object I was or wasn't like. "What's the point of this speech Jou?"
Jou sighed, obviously seeing that I did not care about his analogies. "I'll make this quick. Anyway, remember that I told you that the sakura tree would never die?" Not waiting for a response, he bulldozed on. "Well, while it won't ever die, there are some people who won't see the tree's beauty and with malice or forethought, they will tear the blossoms off the branches, crush them, stomp them; kill them. But there are others who can and do appreciate the white blossoms. And because of them, the blossoms will never die."
"Well, that's an interesting anecdote Jou, but what does that have to do with me?"
Sighing, Jou reached up and clasped my hands in his. "Shizuka, what I'm trying to say is that you have to be careful in life. There will be people you'll meet who won't see your inner beauty, who won't see the real you. You have to be wary of those kinds of people, because they will tear your blossoms off and trample them underfoot. You have to be aware of who those people are, and who are the people who will appreciate you for who you are, okay?"
"Is this about Honda and Otogi?" I asked meekly.
Jou nodded. "Them, but also other people who have not entered your life. Shizuka, I just want you to be careful; that's all. Will you promise me that you'll be careful?"
"Sure, I'll be careful. Now, I think I'd like to sort my clothes now."
Jou stood up and patted my shoulder. "Okay, I'll leave you alone now. Love you sis."
As Jou exited my room, I said softly, "Thanks for looking out for me ani."
"No problem Shizuka."
---
Jou's words were uplifting for a time; a very short time at that. I thought to myself 'Honda and Otogi are the kind of people who pull the blossoms off the tree and crush them. So I should just avoid them from now on. They weren't worthy of me anyway.' And I kept that attitude for a while. I gave them the cold shoulder; I treated them like dirt. But all the while, on the inside, that's just how I felt.
About a month after Honda and Otogi came out, the group of us went to a movie. We saw some horror film and, well, I really don't like those kinds of films. But everyone was really excited to be seeing it, especially Bakura, which I found strange, but whatever. Well, we weren't ten minutes into the film when Honda has a sudden need for popcorn and asks me to come with him to get it. I was not squeamish at missing any of the movie, so I agreed. Turned out he didn't want popcorn at all.
"Shizuka, how do feel about Otogi and me, you know, dating?" Honda turned to me the moment we walked out of the theater and into the hallway.
I shrugged. "I don't mind, if that's what you mean."
"You know what I mean, and that's not it. You're...alright? I mean, we probably hurt you, not telling you the truth-"
"How long?" I cut him off.
"What?"
"How long were you two together before I found out?" I explained.
Honda sighed and shrugged. "I'm not sure. Didn't really count," he replied, too quickly.
I glared at him, hurt. "That's a lie and you and I both know that. Now, answer me truthfully: how long were you and Otogi together before I found out?"
Sighing, Honda said, "Two months, ten days."
Eyebrows raised, I laughed. "You mean you don't have it down to the minutes?"
"Five hours and fifty-six minutes, twenty seconds, I think."
We walk in silence into the lobby, and without a word walk out of the theater complex outside into the November cold. Walking down the strip mall, Honda stopped at a small café and asked if I'd like some coffee. Once we were seated with my cappuccino and his chai, I sighed. "Yeah, Honda, I was hurt that you both felt you had to lie to me about your relationship. It would have been nice if you had told me straight out, instead of waiting for a Truth or Dare game for me to find out."
Honda looked down into his tea. "I'm sorry, Shizuka. We just weren't sure how you would have reacted."
"You guys are my friends, I care about both of you."
"Well, we thought that you...I don't know, that you might have loved us, just a little," Honda said quietly.
I smiled half-heartedly. "I did love you both, more than just a little."
"Oh."
"But no matter my feelings for you both, I still would have understood. I don't appreciate being lied to, Honda."
Honda nodded. "Shizuka, I'm really sorry I lied to you. The last thing either of us wanted to do was hurt you."
I nodded. "I know, Honda. And I'm sorry if I've seemed cold these past few weeks. I...I guess I was jealous of you both."
"Yeah...we noticed you were more distanced than usual." Honda laughed. "Well, actually, Otogi noticed and asked me to talk to you." Honda blanched. "Not to say I didn't want to talk to you regardless! Just that he noticed and wanted you to feel better too."
I patted Honda's hand and smiled. "Thanks Honda. I feel better just talking to you now." Which was a complete lie.
---
A month after that, Mai, Anzu, and I were walking home from the mall. It was a chilly December evening, so we were very bundled up and only thinking about getting back to the game shop for hot chocolate. "Let's take a short cut through the park, "Anzu suggested.
As we were walking along a dimly lit path, I looked for my white sakura tree. I found it quickly, because there were still some blossoms on it, in the middle of winter. But it was what was under the tree that made me stop cold. Honda was beneath my tree, making out with someone. But when they pulled back it wasn't the black hair of Otogi I saw under the cheerful red winter hat. It was the snow white hair of Bakura Ryou.
"Shizuka, what is it?" Mai asked up ahead, stopping and looking back at me.
I glanced up to Mai and smiled. "Oh, it's nothing Mai. Just looking at the trees."
Mai shrugged. "Okay...there are trees over here too, y'know."
"I know."
Mai shook her head at me, then walked over to Anzu, who was further ahead.
Looking back over at Honda and Bakura, I noticed that my eyes had deceived me at first glance. The white blossoms that I saw at first weren't really blossoms at all, but snow trapped by the tree branches.
---
Standing in the game shop bathroom, I stare at my reflection, thinking...just thinking. About the past five months, about Jounouchi, about Mai...about Otogi, about his and Honda's relationship...and of the conversation I had earlier with Mai.
If you must, then I cannot stop you. But...why? Why do you wish to do this? Jounouchi...will be hurt by your decision, you know.
Yes Mai, he will be hurt by it. But that's not the only reason I called everyone together.
Knock, knock. "Shizuka? Are you feeling alright?"
"Yes Jou, I'm fine." I glance back at my reflection, my pallid face and grim expression.
"Shizuka, mind explaining why you've got us all gathered here?" Jou asks.
I smile at the mirror; a humorless grin. "In a minute Jou. When I come out, I'll explain. Just sit tight a moment, okay?"
"Okay Shizuka."
"Love you Jou."
"You too sis."
I shake my head at the simplicity of our conversation. I know I'll miss it when I'm gone. I'll miss a lot of things when I go. But I need to get away, regardless.
For the past three months, the image of Honda and Bakura under my dead sakura tree, kissing, has haunted me. And seeing Honda act so loving and affectionate with Otogi...Honda's doing it again. He's lying to everyone he cares about. He's lying to Otogi, and I won't stand for it anymore. I need to confront Honda about it. I can't let it stay in limbo forever.
But that's not the only reason I've brought everyone to the game shop. Mai already knows, but I have to tell Anzu, Yuugi, Otogi, Honda, Bakura, and especially Jounouchi that I'm leaving Domino. In fact, I'm leaving Japan. With Mai's help, I applied to colleges in America. I need to get away; I need to get away from the craziness that is my friends here.
Mai said it right. You can't be a porcelain doll forever. That's what I've been all this time. All the time, everyone wanting to protect me! I never get a chance to take risks; to live life the way I want to! With the hurt, the betrayal, the joy; I want all the ups and downs of it. But I can't get that sitting in a glass case all the time. So...so I have to leave everything I know, so I can find that.
I don't really want to face the goodbyes, which I know will be tear-filled and will fill me with guilt. Guilt over what, I don't know, because honestly, I haven't done anything wrong. But I'll still feel guilty, guilty I guess because I'll be the first to leave our group. Everyone always talks about staying together forever; that we're a team and we'll all get by. Together. But I'm breaking that team up, and I don't know if they'll ever forgive me for that. Still, I know I have to go no matter what.
It's going to be hard, to leave them all. Leave all my memories here; the KaibaCorps tower, Yuugi's game shop, the park; my white sakura tree. But in the end, we all leave. In the end, we all have to lead our separate lives. In the end, the 'team' was only temporary, no matter how nice it felt to belong. In the end...
And in the end, Jounouchi was wrong. White blossoms die too.
Owari
Rowan: Not much to say about this story. I wrote it, I kind of like it, I can't understand why Bakura had to come into the story and make Honda look really, really bad, but he said he wanted a semi-major role in this. Yami and Yami Bakura aren't even in here, so I can't understand his complaining, but whatever. It happened, the way stories do. Please review if you liked it.
Oh, but there is a story behind Honda and Bakura being under the tree, kissing. It's just not this story. :P I'm mean, aren't I? I might be nice and write it, but only if you ask...