Naruto Misekake
Defines as Naruto make-believe. But this is basically what the show is about. Look for the 43 ways that the show is teased!
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, and never did. Not even when it was cool.
One day in Konoha Village (or whatever the name of the leaf village is), eight of the nine rookies are hanging out on the bridge by the river (there's a river there, right?).
Sasuke is checking his hair in his reflection in the river. He turns and asks Naruto, "Do you think my hair is ok? Or did I put too much gel in it this morning?"
Naruto, who was reading a book called How to be a Normal Guy in Three Days, looks up and says, "It looks great, believe it!" then goes back to reading.
Meanwhile, Sakura and Ino, who are like right next to Sasuke, are fighting. Nothing new there, except they aren't fighting over Sasuke…
"I say TAMPONS are the best thing to use!!"Ino cries.
"Nuh-huh!! Pads are, totally! You don't feel like a banana was shoved up your—"
"HERE!" Choji shoves a piece of chocolate in their faces. "This will stop your PMS!"
"Thanks!" both girls shout as they chowed down. "Hey Choji, don't YOU want the chocolate?" inquires Ino.
Choji sighs forlornly before saying, "Yes, but I am on a diet."
((A/N (*o*)?!?!?))
Someone in the background runs by screaming the apocalypse has come. He/she flails blindly into the river, where he/she apparently drowns. Why the hell the eight ninjas on the bridge did absolutely nothing to save him/her is complete beyond me. As Seto Kaiba would say…
"Who gives a damn, my EGO is big enough to be in all caps."
((A/N…..Ok, maybe he wouldn't say that. Does that remark qualify this fic as a crossover now?))
MOVING ON….
Ino, surprisingly, shrugs this remark off. "That's cool. So hey, have you seen Shikamaru?"
"He went looking for his dad, yo," says Kiba while doing a knarly move on his…. Skateboard? (Ok, so Kiba's a skater now.)
"Really? I heard his dad was hammered, believe it!" says Naruto, throwing his book behind him into the river.
"Oooooh, Naruto! You're the coolest!" cries Hinata, waving two flags that say #1 on them. She then squeals like a preppy fan girl, shattering a nearby window.
Just then, Gai comes skipping by with Neji, Tenten, and Rock lee follow ing close behind. Tenten looks like a buff pro wrestler. She is guiding Neji, who is blind folded and is tapping the ground with a long white cane. Lee is walking backwards on his hands while balancing an apple on his chin. "Hi folks!" shouts Gai. "Guess what? I'm going commando…. In public!" He then tears away his pants. A random censor bar appears over…his lower half… as he skips away.
"What just happened?" asks a blind Neji. He is spinning around trying to locate the noise but obviously can't see with thick bandages over his eyes. But ten points for trying, Neji!
"Don't worry about it," says Tenten as she transforms back into the girl she usually is.
Puzzled, Hinata asks, "Why don't you just use your byakugan to see through the bandages?" Twenty points to Hinata for using logic, because no one else in this fic seems to!
Neji looks around blindly. "I was. Your father had put me on this training program in which I walk around blind-folded using nothing but my byakugan to help me see. But my chakra ran out hours ago."
"Not before he saw through my clothes a thousand times!"cries Tenten.
"Oh, I've done that lots of times with—"began Hinata before she became all nervous and blushed, "…m-myself!"
Tenten becomes very suspicious. "What? Are you hiding something?!?!?" She somehow pulls a chainsaw out of her back pocket and revs it to life (Fifteen points to Tenten for defying the law of conservation of mass. And for carrying a chainsaw in her back pocket). "I'M NOT CRAZY!!! I KNOW YOU'RE HIDING SOMETHING!!!!!" She then commences to froth violently from the mouth.
"Tenten shut up! You are disrupting my ridiculous strength building ritual-based concentration!"Lee was now wrapped up in a straight jacket and is attempting to pull a Houdini.
Suddenly, Gaara and Kankuro walk up. Gaara has slice marks running down his wrist and he's mumbling the emo song.
Kiba says, "Hey, what's up Gaara?" Then looks around and adds, "Where's Temari?"
"Oh she said something about sticking a vibrator on the end of her fan," explains Kankuro. As if on cue, Temari comes hobbling down the road, bow-legged. "Ahhh… That felt good. And now, for my dance routine." She pulls a giant pole out of her pocket and plants it right into the bridge, then commences to pole dance. (I guess I have to give Temari points too… I give forty points, because she's so much cooler than Tenten.) While hanging upside-down, she winks and shouts, "Hey Shikamaru! You want some of this?"
Shikamaru and his pimpin' dad come walking up. Shikamaru's dad, who is clearly wasted, shouts, "No way! *hiccup!* That bitch is waaaaaay too sexy for you!" Everyone turns to see he is pointing not at Temari, but Akamaru, who shrugs and says, "The operation's not 'til next week."
….MOVING ON, AGAIN….
Anyway, Shikamaru's dad passes out. Gaara, who is nearby, pulls out a gun. "Temari, Shut up! I can't hear my mournful thoughts over your fan girl squeals!" He then shoots her. And although all of them are ninjas and probably could have taken the gun away from Gaara in a blink of an eye, NO-ONE moved. Again.
Worst. Ninjas. Ever.
As Temari is falling off the pool, a random girl falls out of a tree (yes, there is a f***ing tree on the bridge) and cries, "Vicky, NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!1!11!!!" then disappears before anyone could notice that this was the same person that drowned several minutes of typing ago.
Just then, Haku and Zabuza come dancing onto the bridge (screw them being dead! They're alive now!). Haku is wearing a dress and singing, "I'ma Barbie Girl". It is then that Zabuza stops him and says, "Haku listen. You're not a girl. You're a boy."
Shocked, Haku cries, "Really?!?" He looks down his dress. "You're right!" He thinks for a moment and then starts singing, "I'ma Barbie Boy, I'm your Barbie toy…"
Zabuza laughs and says, "You're so cute Haku let's go make out." Just like that. No lie. So then they skip away, holding hands.
Neji, who is now unblind-folded, says, "That was quite comical."
Shino is suddenly enraged, and shouts at Neji, "Stop being a nerd! That's my job!"
Kankuro looks at his watch as says, "Well, I've got to go. I'm doing another puppet show for the kindergarteners today." He then walks off, leaving his psychotic brother to have another episode.
Just then, all of the jounin appear. Hinata gets excited when she sees her sensei and shouts, "Kurenai!"
Of course, seeing as to how her name is only two letters away from being 'kunai', everyone draws their kunai and throws them at her.
"What is the meaning of this?!" cries the attacked jounin.
"Didn't someone shout 'KUNAI!'?" asks Tenten, who had pulled out every weapon in her arsenal, and was now proceeding to shove them all back into her pocket.
Tsunade walks up and asks, "What's all the ruckus about on my birthday?"
"IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY?!" everyone shouts.
"Ya, she 50 going on 20," says Jaraiya from the back of the crowd. He pushes his way through, bent over searching for something on the ground. "Now, has anyone seen my Viagra?"
Suddenly, the random girl comes back and screams, "CHIA!!!" while pointing to a Chia™ Hippo. Everyone runs up to it and screams like preps. Sasuke picks up the Chia™ and smashes it, shouting that it was a mockery of UCHIAs everywhere. The random girl holds a finger to her lip thoughtfully and says, "I thought Uchias were obsessed with Pokémon, having a poke' ball on their back and all."
Once again, she disappears. Then everyone notices Sasuke and they glomp him, all super fans.
Suddenly Sasuke notices Itachi through the raving fans, and he bursts out of them, pointing manically at his brother. "Itachi I'm gonna kill you!!!"
Itachi gives the younger Uchia a drop-dead gorgeous smile that causes several school-girl fan girls to faint dramatically. "Yes, you CAN kill me. But first you must have wild, animalistic sex with me behind a dumpster!" He grabs Sasuke and mercilessly rapes him.
Gaara, who is now holding what looks like a pencil, shouts, "SHUT UP, YOU FAGS! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING TO REAPPLY MY EYELINER?!?" Someone in the crowd shouts, "You look like a raccoon!"No one could find this person, except apparently Gaara, who managed to shoot him.
Random Girl returns, handing Naruto a bowl of pork ramen. He begins to tell her that he likes ramen, but she bitch-slaps him across the face and then disappears again in a puff of smoke. While Naruto is eating, Shizunai runs up franticly looking about until she sees Naruto. She then gasps and screams, "You ATE Tom-tom!"
A random door bell rings (I haven't given out points in a while…. Ten points to the door for screwing the rules of logic!). Kakashi yells, "I'll get it!" and runs into Temari's pole, then Random Girl's tree (in which she sent her rabid squirrels of doom to attack him for being clumsy), and then an elephant. Because even if your dominant eye is covered and your vision is shifted to the side, you still shouldn't be able to miss a flippin' elephant in your way. Which apparently Kakashi did.
I reiterate. WORST. NINJAS. EVER!!!
Asuma says in a tripped-out voice, "I'll get it, man." He opens a random red door and screams, "Oh-My-GOD!! It's Santa Clause!"
Orochimaru, (who is standing at the door) blinks irritatedly and says, "You know, Asuma, cigarettes are bad for you."
Asuma takes a puff and answers, "Oh, that's not tobacco I smoking."
Everyone is silent for a while, except Jaraiya, who is talking loudly about women.
Suddenly, Itachi returns dragging his brother like a rag doll and says, "Wow, gay incest is better than plain old sex!"
Orochimaru gasps then cries in a voice that sounds oddly like a gossiping color guard girl, "Like OMG! You think so too?!? Itachi lets totally have sex!"
Just then, Ebisu runs up and shouts hysterically, "Hey everyone! I-HAVE-A-PENIS!!!" He then tears off his pants, but no censor bar appears over his naked lower half because no one can see his almost nonexistent penis anyway. Orochimaru and Itachi look at each other and cry, "Threesome!"
Haku and Zabuza appear again, looking excited. "Forget 'threesome'," says Haku. "Let's have an orgy!" So all five of them skip off, arms linked, to a lonely warehouse in the middle of nowhere, with Sasuke crawling after them. Because remember kids: Once you've had gay incest, your sexual preference is pretty much f***ed.
And so this is just another average day in the Village Hidden in the Leaves.
FIN
You know, on second thought, this fic is NOTHING like a normal Naruto Fan fic. Huh. Ok, never mind…
As for points………Who won? I wasn't keeping track of the points. But I have some extra ones to throw out:
500 points to all those who read through this story!
1,000 points to all those who read it twice or more!
10,002.05 points to all those who reviewed this story! The Review Nazi Demands Reviews!
100,000 points to anyone who read this story and understood it.
And 10 points to Gryffindor, for being the only house that holds a black-haired British boy with a lightning bolt shaped scar on his forehead!
Hurray Points! It's too bad they don't matter. Like LariaKaiba would say in her "Whose Line is it Anyway" fic:
"Yep the points don't matter, just like a gaydar in a room full of straight couples."
…Or something along those lines. Oh well, thanks for reading!