The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has taken off in a car chase. More fun and madness from my tiny little mind. Takes place after Nellis and before The Kanes. And after my other fic What Happens In Branson.
Gossip Spies
"I'm telling you Branson is very much underrated," Archer remarked as he poured a drink of scotch in Mallory's office. Much to the annoyance of his mother and Lana. "If anything it's not rated enough! It was fun. More fun than Vegas actually."
"So I heard. Don't you have work to do?" Mallory snapped. "Other than drinking my good alcohol?"
"Not really," Archer shrugged. "And this time I mean it. I'm getting kind of bored hanging around the office. I could go for another vacation."
"You just got back three days ago!" Lana barked.
"And it's bad enough that you ran off and abandoned both me and your child for another one of your coital conniption fits! I have to let the both of you go next week for a few days leaving me alone with the Clueless Club!" Mallory glared at Sterling.
"Why?" Archer asked.
"You didn't tell him?" Mallory asked Lana.
"She was too busy yelling at me at how irresponsible I am," Archer said annoyed. "Tell me what?"
"We're going to Berkeley, San Francisco next week so my parents can meet AJ," Lana explained. "And as her father you are expected to go to."
"You're just lucky I was able to use my contacts in the CIA and Homeland Security to get you back on both the Fly List and Train list," Mallory snapped. "That's another favor I no longer have thanks to your drunken debauchery!"
"And I expect you to be on your best behavior," Lana glared at Archer.
"So you'd better make a good impression," Mallory added.
"Why do you care?" Archer asked Mallory.
"Because I want our child to have a good relationship with all her grandparents!" Lana barked.
"Again, why do you care?" Archer asked Mallory again.
"Because despite their liberal leanings Lana's parents are intelligent, well connected, highly successful people!" Mallory explained.
"There it is," Archer groaned as he finished the drink.
"It never hurts to make decent contacts in life!" Mallory snapped. "For example one day you have an affair with an airline pilot and that airline pilot happens to move upward and becomes a major figure in the airline industry. Who yes, helped me with your little No Fly list problem!"
"Wow…" Lana blinked.
"It's called networking!" Mallory snapped. "And it worked in this case! Deal with it! And speaking of work I expect you to put in double the amount at the office to make up for both your vacations!"
"To do what?" Archer asked as he put down the glass. "There's no missions going on. And hardly anyone here! It would be cheaper just to close down the office a few days a week."
"My God," Lana realized. "When you come up with ways to save money you know things are bad!"
"Shortening office hours is out of the question!" Mallory scoffed. "This agency needs to be ready at a moment's notice! Whenever the CIA needs us!"
"Or if Lana needs to hire them to shoot me again," Archer glared at Lana.
"Technically I didn't hire the CIA," Lana admitted. "Your mother did."
"Of course! Why does that not surprise me?" Archer threw up his hands. "How much did you spend Mother?"
"Not as much as you'd think," Mallory shrugged. "It was more like a trading favors deal. And Farooq was surprisingly reasonable with his rates."
"And a pretty good shot," Lana pointed out. "We should hire him again if something comes up."
"Oh definitely," Mallory nodded. "That alone made the exercise worthwhile."
"I'm out of here!" Archer threw up his hands and left the room.
"Archer! Archer!" Lana shouted after him. "Aggh! That asshole!" She stormed out of the room.
"And once again I'm left alone in my office with no ice," Mallory sighed.
Archer went to the break room to find another stash of alcohol only to find Pam and Cheryl sitting at the table. "Got chewed out by your mother again huh?" Pam snorted as she finished one of her usual bear claws.
"And Lana. Apparently now I have to go to San Francisco to meet her parents," Archer grumbled as he opened the door of the refrigerator. "Why is that can of soda glowing?"
"I think it's Krieger's," Cheryl shrugged.
"Well that's one way to not have people drink your stuff," Archer remarked as he closed the door. "It's the same old thing."
"Actually I think that soda is new," Cheryl said. "I didn't see it there yesterday."
"No, I mean the complaints from Lana and my mother," Archer corrected. "You're not responsible enough! Can't you stop sleeping around and be a better father? Go back to work and stop drinking my scotch! Blah! Blah! Blah!"
"What work?" Pam scoffed. "There's barely any people here much less work to do!"
"That's what I said!" Archer agreed.
"This agency has so gone downhill," Cheryl ate some of her groovy gummies. "Not that I'm complaining. There's a lot less work for me to do."
"Getting paid to do practically nothing most of the week isn't bothering me," Pam admitted. "Ms. Archer only has us come in because she needs to keep up some kind of appearance."
"That Slater guy has only come up to check on us once or twice," Cheryl said. "The CIA only gave us money so they could ask for more in their next budget thing."
"All Ms. Archer does is sit in her office drinking and pretending she's talking to Ron on the phone," Pam said. "It would be kind of sad if she didn't deserve it."
"Who the hell does she think she's fooling?" Cheryl scoffed. "She and Ron are barely hanging on by a thread and everyone knows it."
"But Mother said that they were happy," Archer was surprised.
"Oh yeah. Like your mother never lied about anything in her life!" Pam snorted. "Get real Archer!"
"They are so totally headed for a divorce," Cheryl nodded. "It's only a matter of time before they both realize their dysfunctional dead end of a marriage is over."
"How do you know this?" Archer asked Cheryl.
"Uh there's this new thing called listening in on a phone conversation?" Cheryl snorted. "I can hear them fighting every time Ron calls. Which isn't exactly a lot."
"Yeah remember when Ron used to show up like almost every day when they first got married?" Pam nodded.
"And how many times has he visited since the open marriage thing?" Cheryl asked.
"Not once!" Pam answered.
"You're right," Archer frowned. "What are they fighting about?"
"Oh the usual," Cheryl waved. "She thinks Ron is an uncultured slob. He thinks she's spending too much of her money. She wants him to give her more money. And he wants her to stop running around and being a whore."
"Ron didn't call Ms. Archer a whore," Pam corrected. "He called her a tramp."
"Potato, Po-Whore-o," Cheryl waved. "The irony is that Ms. Archer is totally jealous and thinks Ron may have done better than her in the open marriage thing. And she is…"
"Filled with resentment about the whole open marriage thing," Ray was talking to Lana in her office. "And it's not just her home life that's suffered let me tell you. That whole open marriage phase hasn't exactly gone unnoticed by a lot of people Mallory ran around with."
"Is this about that guy?" Lana realized. "The one Mallory was having phone sex with?"
"The one married to one of her society friends? Oh yeah," Ray nodded as he drank his coffee. "That completely blew up in her face and not in the fun way. A lot of those society people just cut her dead after that."
"Really? How do you know that?" Lana asked.
"Besides the beans Cheryl spills whenever she overhears one of her phone conversations?" Ray raised an eyebrow. "Little thing called the society pages gossip column. Some real good dirt in there."
"Mallory is in there?"
"Of course she's in there! Well they never name people directly," Ray waved. He pulled out a newspaper from Lana's desk. "But they give enough to infer. Read today's column. Third paragraph."
"Today Mrs. B was having lunch with a select group of friends," Lana read aloud. "In particular we noticed that a Mr. C was there, spending time away from his busy work running seven car dealerships."
"Tell me that is not describing Ron," Ray added. "Go on there's more."
"It seems that Mr. C has been spending a lot of time with Mrs. B. Three guesses Mrs. A how this is going to end…" Lana's eyes opened wide as she read. "Oh my God! But she said she could get the money from Ron!"
"What money?" Ray asked. "Lana…?"
"Is so going to dump Archer's ass," Cyril said confidently as he stood in Krieger's lab. "Just you wait."
"Technically I don't think they're even dating now," Krieger said as he worked on some kind of device. "If what happened in Vegas and Branson is any indication."
"Well maybe not dating-dating. But she's still emotionally attached to Archer," Cyril pointed out. "But that's not going to last long if he carries on the way he has been. In Lana's case absence does not make the heart grow fonder."
"But it does give you a window of opportunity," Krieger put it together.
"Damn right," Cyril nodded. "It's all just a matter of timing and patience. It won't be long before Archer pushes one button too many of Lana's and bam! Archer's out and I'm back in!"
"Is that why you've been volunteering to look after AJ when Lana's nanny isn't able to lately?" Krieger asked.
"More or less," Cyril shrugged. "I mean why should that poor little baby be deprived of a positive male role model? Especially when her biological father is little more than a walking specimen cup."
"Speaking of specimen cups I really should check my refrigerator at home," Krieger frowned. "But back to the conversation at hand you're playing the supportive friend role."
"Exactly. I'm going to be the stable dependable guy who doesn't run off halfway around the world to consort with hookers," Cyril told him. "Meanwhile Lana and I will spend more time together and I'll spend more time with the baby. And when Lana sees me with the baby she will realize that in the long run I'm the better man to be with."
"It's pretty ingenious I have to admit," Krieger said.
"All I have to do is be there for Lana," Cyril said smugly. "And of course inform her of some of Archer's less than desirable behavior."
"You'd snitch on Archer just for a shot at sex with Lana?" Krieger was shocked. "Why didn't I think of that?"
"Who do you think told Lana about what happened in Branson?" Cyril asked. "Well Pam too but that's a given. Just you wait and see. Lana is gonna wake up and smell the brandy laced cappuccino and who's gonna be there when she needs a shoulder to cry on? Good ol' dependable Cyril! And then I am so gonna hit that…"
"You really think she's going to come back to you like that?" Krieger asked.
"It worked the first time," Cyril shrugged. "And the second."
"Hmmm…" Krieger thought. "That's pretty…"
Back to Lana's office…
"…Insane! How could you let that woman pay you off to rename your child?" Ray asked.
"Technically she didn't. I hadn't really come up with a middle name for AJ," Lana shrugged. "Of course I wasn't going to tell her that."
"What you were planning on her offering to pay you?" Ray asked.
"Of course not! It just sort of happened that way," Lana admitted.
"God woman I thought you had more pride than that!" Ray barked.
"It was twenty two grand," Lana said.
"Who needs pride?" Ray shrugged.
"Yeah but what you're saying does make sense," Lana frowned.
"It's how she's getting that money from Ron that worries me," Ray thought aloud.
"You really think she'd steal from Ron?" Lana asked.
"She stole all our 401Ks didn't she?" Ray barked. "Including her own son's! That woman is capable of anything!"
"Are you sure their marriage is on the rocks?" Lana asked.
"Oh come on Lana! The signs are all there!" Ray groaned. "We never see Ron at the office anymore. Mallory's always vague about what's going on with her marriage. And the society pages are filled with gossip about their antics! But that's changing the subject…"
Back in Krieger's Lab…
"Next week Lana, Archer and the baby are off to San Francisco to see her parents," Cyril went on.
"Archer is going to meet the parents? Big step!" Krieger whistled.
"He's already met them. Remember?" Cyril reminded him.
"Oh yes. The Mashed Potato Restaurant Incident," Krieger remembered.
"So you know this next meeting is not going to go well," Cyril snickered. "Oh I can just imagine how Archer is going to screw this up. And when he does…"
"You think Lana will come running into your arms?" Krieger asked.
"Again it's happened before," Cyril shrugged. "We had our first cup of coffee the day after as friends. Where she recounted the night in great detail and needed a supportive friend. Which eventually turned into…"
Back to the employee lounge…
"An all-night bang fest!" Cheryl said cheerfully. "Fireworks!"
"Yeah that's what we should do!" Pam agreed. "When you get back."
"Shooting off a whole bunch of fireworks from the roof does sound like a lot of fun," Archer chuckled. "But that kind of reminds me of that Chinese New Year's Party we had a couple of years ago."
"Oh yeah. Man those cops were pissed," Pam chuckled.
"Not as much as Ms. Archer," Cheryl said. "And some of the firemen were kind of cute."
"Mother had a real conniption fit," Archer chuckled. "The fire wasn't even my fault. Technically it was hers."
Back in Mallory's office…
"It was not my fault. Sterling and Cheryl had the brilliant idea to light fireworks from our roof! Which I knew nothing about until the police and the firemen arrived!" Mallory snapped into the phone. "You can't still hold a grudge over that Beatrice! That happened at least three years ago!"
Mallory frowned. "Oh please! Your insurance paid for your apartment's redecorating and let's face it! It sorely needed it! So if you think about it that Roman Candle going off course and landing in your living room was a blessing."
Mallory winced at the torrent of abuse from the other end. "Beatrice you said so yourself you hated your grandmother's china because it was too ugly! Again you had an excuse to buy new ones. You're welcome! Besides you only lost material possessions it's not like anyone was hurt."
Mallory paused again. "Oh two of your guests and your personal maid had to go to the emergency room for burns. Well what the hell were you doing having a Chinese New Year's party in the first place? Your family emigrated from Sweden! That's about as Chinese as pickled herring!"
Mallory listened and growled. "You know what? Fine. I guess we'll just agree to disagree. Well the feeling is mutual! I never wanted to go to your stuffy banquet in the first place! I'd rather have my teeth drilled! Good bye!"
Mallory slammed the phone down. "Bitch. Well there goes any chance I had for being in the running for Mother of the Year. Again."
Mallory sighed. "I'll just do what I did last year. Go to the trophy store and pick out my own award and engrave my name on it. Not like most people check on these things anyway."
The phone rang outside Mallory's office. "Cheryl will you get that already?" Mallory snapped. "It could be Mr. Slater! Cheryl! Oh for crying out loud…If you want anything done around this place…"
Mallory pushed a few buttons and answered her phone. "Great which button is it again? Must be this one. Hello? Mallory Archer speaking!"
"Mallory?" Ron's voice was heard.
"Ron! It's good to hear you! Wait a minute…" She noticed there was some feedback. "I think I put you on speakerphone by accident."
"Well which button did you push?" Ron asked.
"I don't know! Pound twice I think," Mallory frowned.
"Are you sure you didn't hit star twice again?" Ron asked. "Like the time you were trying to have phone sex with your friend's husband?"
"Yes I'm sure!" Mallory put down the phone and spoke into the speaker. "So are we on for tomorrow night at 21?"
"Yeah about that," Ron sighed. "Listen Mallory I'm gonna have to bail. Something came up."
"What do you mean something came up?" Mallory snapped. "You run a car dealership! What did someone suddenly need to buy an emergency Cadillac or something?"
"It is business. Among other things I need to work a little more in order to pay your bills!" Ron snapped. "Like what the hell is this check you wrote for over twenty two grand for?"
"It's for my granddaughter. I'm setting up a trust fund," Mallory lied smoothly.
"Then why is it made out to Lana and in the corner there's a note saying: Name Change?" Ron asked. "Oh God Mallory you're still not trying to buy off Lana to change the baby's name are you?"
"Not anymore," Mallory admitted.
"This is your problem Mallory!" Ron snapped. "You think that by throwing money at everything will solve all your problems. To be fair it only solves half your problems but still…"
"Well I know that marriage counselor you made me pay for didn't solve anything!" Mallory snapped. "That was twelve thousand dollars wasted!"
"What you did you need that money for? A new fur?" Ron asked in a snarky tone.
"Don't you take that tone with me Mister!" Mallory snapped.
"Considering you've taken way more than twelve thousand dollars of my money to fund your lifestyle I'm think I'm entitled to take any tone I want!" Ron shouted. "And some lifestyle you have! If you can call it that!"
"Just what is that supposed to mean?"
"It means that most guys complain about their wives spending their money on shopping or some kind of charity," Ron went on. "My wife spends my money trying to run some kind of whacked out spy agency! That wasn't even sanctioned in the first place!"
"We are now! And we're contractors for the CIA," Mallory said firmly. "We work for them."
"Mallory you do know the CIA is supposed to pay you money for work right?" Ron asked sarcastically. "Not the other way around!"
"It was a one-time…" Mallory began.
"Seriously doll I've been looking over the books and your so called agency has seen a lot better days," Ron interrupted. "In fact it's been going downhill faster than a stolen car with no breaks!"
"Ron…"
"When I first met you, you had over a hundred people working for you!" Ron went on. "And now you don't even have ten! And that's counting that weird copy machine that makes toast!"
"You don't know anything about running a spy agency!" Mallory snapped.
"I know a failing business when I see one," Ron told her.
"It's called downsizing!" Mallory huffed. "I just cut some costs that's all."
"Mallory you've gone way beyond downsizing," Ron told her. "You're just down period! Why can't you just sell the business? Then we can retire and put all this craziness behind us!"
"I am not selling my agency Ron and that is final!" Mallory shouted. "I built this agency from nothing."
"And that's where it's headed unless you do something to turn it around pretty quick," Ron said. "I still can't understand why you can't at least shut down the office for a few days. If only to cut the electric bill and what few staff expenses you have."
"I need to be ready whenever the CIA needs me!" Mallory protested.
"And when was the last time that happened?" Ron shouted. "Here's another tip sweetheart. When more money comes out of a business than goes into it it's time to either make some serious changes or just wash your hands of the whole affair! And as much as I love you Mallory I'm starting to think the latter may apply to our marriage."
"See I told you their marriage was on the rocks," Pam was heard outside.
"We'll talk about this later," Mallory hissed as she terminated the phone call. She stormed outside her office to see her staff openly staring at her. "Don't you have anything better to do than listen in on a private conversation?"
"You turned the intercom on," Ray pointed out. "Not our fault you broadcast your telephone call to the whole building."
"You got confused about which button was which wasn't it?" Cheryl snickered.
"She never could figure out which key is pound and which is star," Archer snorted. "Seriously Mother. You just need to label them or something."
"GET OUT OF HERE!" Mallory yelled. "JUST ALL OF YOU GET OUT OF HERE!"
"All right!" Pam cheered. "Half day! YAAYY!"
"Who wants a drink? I do!" Archer said.
"So do I!" Cheryl cheered.
"Yeah I could go for something," Krieger admitted.
"Let's go!" Ray said.
"I could spend some time with my daughter," Lana said as they quickly made their way to the elevator. "Which you should be doing Archer!"
"Oh not again…" Archer grumbled.
"Lana if you want to take off and need a babysitter…" Cyril began.
"No! That's not what I…" Mallory began but it was too late. Her entire staff had fled and were gone.
"I swear if my agents spent as much effort hunting down real information as they do in gossip and booze this agency would be in the black faster than opening a donut shop next to a Weight Watchers clinic!" Mallory groaned.