i carry your heart with me – ee cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)

I couldn't stay. I didn't belong. And I know you knew. I know it's why you were silent, I know it's why you didn't speak, didn't intervene, didn't try to stand between us for the first time ever as the hollering got louder, meaner, angrier. I know it's why you drove me to the bus station. It's why you handed me a roll of money you'd spent months collecting without a second thought.

I know it's you that called and hung up at all hours. I know it wasn't a mirage, that it was your slick black car prowling the street where I lived from time to time. Just checking to see I was alive, I was safe.

I know it because I carry your heart with me.

i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

Four years of silence don't mute it. Four years of freedom don't separate me from it. I am here because of you and I know it. I am here because you made me who I am. I am strong enough to miss you because I was never afraid, not really, not with you always there to pick me up, cheer me on, teaching me to fight my dragons. I am smart enough to compete here because you made sure I had the time to study. I can love her so completely because you made sure I knew what love was. I am happy because you made sure I knew how to be happy. I'm just not sure you ever knew, really.

I am who I am because you made sure I got to be. Your fingerprints are on every page I write. Your blood is in my veins. Your strength is in my muscle.

Whatever is done by me is your doing.

i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

And I know you will always be there. In the shadows, behind my curtains, under my bed. Hiding in a place where you can always keep one eye on me. It makes me brave. Unafraid. I'll never have the luxury of being naïve, but I don't miss it, it's overrated. I learned that from you.

I fear no fate.

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I cannot separate myself from you, no matter what you might think. And no matter what you might think, I never wanted to.I need to see the world through my own eyes, but they are made from the same stuff as yours. You taught me how to use them, you taught me never to turn away from what I saw with them, no matter what it was. You taught me that. You taught me to see.

Now I'll try to teach you. Now I'll try to make you understand. I cannot be without you. Not because I can't be, because it's not possible. There is no forgetting you, there is no need to, no desire to. I am proud of who I've become. But the road here was paved by you, smoothed by you. It's a good road and I'm happy to travel it.

i carry you heart (i carry it in my heart)