Premise: Feeling at a loss after Horizon, Janelle Shepard is uncertain how to put the broken pieces of her life back together. But with the life of a close friend also in pieces, she does what she does best and helps... perhaps in more ways than one. And perhaps mending her life as well...

Pairing: Mentioned Kaidan/FemShepard. Garrus/FemShepard

Song Suggestions: Pretty much the Mass Effect soundtracks and the albums Saturate, We Are Not Alone, Phobia, and Dear Agony from Breaking Benjamin as well as Lacuna Coil's latest album, Shallow Life.

Disclaimer: The Mass Effect franchise, its characters, and settings all belong to BioWare.

Edit: Fiddled with things here and there and removed a number of ellipsis since I get complaints about them. -_- I'm not going to go on about them, but let's just say, I'll cut as many out as I can, but not all. Part of how I think and it's staying.

Broken Pieces

Chapter One

Loss was not something she enjoyed nor was indifferent to, but it was something she was accustomed to.

She had no real childhood home or friends, except for family and a few of their colleagues. And so many of her friends during her time of Alliance service… how many of them were dead now? Or that she would see them depart on an assignment different from hers? And of course, Azuke. Fifty marines. Her entire unit. Gone.

Then choosing to let Ashley die on Virmire. She still wasn't comfortable about that choice.

She's wasn't comfortable with any of this, but it didn't weigh her down. Simply made her swear to herself to do everything in her power to make sure everyone got out of a mission alive, never cut the corners, and treasure whatever time she could have with the people around her.

Janelle Shepard thought that she had a decent handle with loss these days.

Not anymore. Not after Horizon…

With a frustrated grunt, she swiftly lashed a hand out and shoved Kaidan's picture down on the desk in her quarters. As much as the realization that two years had passed and the last man she had made love to might very well have moved on – preferring it over him suffering greatly from her 'death' – seeing just how he had moved on triggered a deep anger that was usually reserved for only great wrongs. She had to restrain herself from backhanding Kaidan. After all, he might be a biotic, had his own life affected by Cerberus… but hadn't she as well? Who was he to spit on what she suffered through on Akuze? Had she ever spit on his own scars of the past?

And then the way he spoke about their love, that 'night' they spent together…

Feeling a greater flare of rage, she slammed a fist against the desk and shoved herself from her chair, giving a furious growl. He spoke to her as if that 'night' before Ilos had meant nothing to her. As if she had deceived him in some way. As if she really didn't care about him… or anyone else.

Had he at all paid attention to her decisions throughout that last mission?

And why didn't he take a moment to examine himself and how he had betrayed her in his words?

She took a moment to grab a datapad and throw it across the room, attempting to get that anger out…

And only receiving more frustration.

"Excuse me, Shepard, but the release of pent up anger by destruction of various items is damaging on several levels and must be discouraged. Particularly because it is not advised to fire weapons within these quarters."

"I threw a datapad, EDI," Janelle groaned, falling back into her chair and slapping a hand to her forehead, eyes closed, head thrown back. "I did not draw my pistol."

"It is a possible outcome and thus I must discourage the action before it happens. I am housed in this vessel after all. Perhaps you should seek out some counseling from Miss Chambers…"

"Enough with the suggestions, EDI. I'll figure something out," the infiltrator said with another groan, reluctantly admitting to herself that remaining in her quarters might not be the smartest decision. But the thought of speaking with Kelly… Janelle had enough of psychologists to last her a lifetime after Akuze. She just needed a friend to talk to.

At least she did have three on board the rebuilt Normandy.

When she moved to the elevator, Janelle did not make up her mind who to speak to. She thought perhaps Joker, but discounted that idea as he tended to complain about EDI and make snarky comments. And right now, she just didn't trust her temper.

She could speak with Doctor Chakwas. She was nice to talk to, especially after that bottle of brandy. But Chakwas had a high opinion of Kaidan and if she had caught word of what happened on Horizon… the commander just wasn't up to hear any comforting talks right now. She just needed to speak about something, anything that was distracting. Maybe even amusing…

Janelle wasn't sure if she really had made up her mind of who to go to, as she – for once – seemed to focus on who not to go to. She didn't even realize who was the optimal choice until she was looking at him.

She almost laughed at herself realizing that, subconsciously, she decided to go see Garrus.

She had to admit, she had a soft spot for the turian, ever since she saw the frustrated C-Sec agent for the first time, so passionate and determined to see wrongs to be righted. Sure, she also had moments where she wanted to slap him as well for being rather… rash, but it didn't lessen her respect and fondness for Garrus in his genuine desire for the good and dedication to seeing that wrong did not prevail.

That and she had a particular delight in having him at her side in missions, given their tendency to compete in who was the better sniper.

She then realized she must have left a chuckle slip past her lips as she came to stand nearby, leaning against the railing by the main battery – where she found it amusing that the turian had taken his position up here – as a voice broke her out of her ruminations.

"Shepard? Is there something you need?"

She turned to look over to Garrus and couldn't help but smile as her gaze fell onto him. No longer did she feel commiseration over his scarring; he hardly seemed to care about it and, in her eyes, the scars hardly proved to be disfiguring. Instead she was actually starting to feel perturbed in seeing those scars as he had taken the moment once to boast that he had more extensive scarring compared to her, so he had one up on her. That time she did want to punch him.

"Just trying to find better company than a fast talking salarian, only interested with scientific terms that are over my head, or a human or krogan who's only thought is when's the next kill…" Janelle said, still smiling.

"Really? You never had a problem talking with Wrex when his trigger-finger was always itching," Garrus said, his voice carrying the smile his mouth could not, as he returned to calibrating the Normandy's guns. It really amazed the human that he was so enraptured with weaponry. "And you never complained about Tali's talk with machines…"

"Or with your explanation of C-Sec work," Janelle countered, her smile edging into a smirk, turning her back to the railing and leaning on her forearms. "It's pretty boring listening to all the rules involved when carrying out investigations…"

Now it was the turian's turn to chuckle. "Then I guess it was a good idea to quit C-Sec. Unless Wrex drained you of any desire to hear stories about mercs."

"I asked about those merc leaders back on Omega, didn't I? I suppose I'll have to agree with you there though. It's certainly more exciting to hear you talk about your time as a vigilante than as a security officer," she said, both of them giving a chuckle before she felt it die as her spirits began to subdue. "But – joking aside – I do feel bad thinking that you ended up turning to vigilantism. I thought you said you could change C-Sec for the better…"

"It was naïve thinking. Things had changed too much by the time I got back and no one cared to listen to my thoughts, despite having been involved in the mission to stop Saren," Garrus grumbled with obvious disdain, especially in mentioning the other, now deceased turian's name. He then gave a sigh before turning his eyes back to hers and adding, "Shepard, I knew you wouldn't have condoned my choice, but I also knew you wouldn't have agreed to following a corrupt system. I know you hate the human saying, but… I chose the lesser of two evils…"

"Garrus, you know why I hate that saying. It's like accepting that you can't make the galaxy a better place," Janelle murmured softly and somberly.

"At that point, I didn't really believe that the galaxy could become a better place," the turian gave another sigh. "When you died, it was like everything good in the universe died. Like all hope had been extinguished. Not all that far-fetched given… who else was going to fight the Reapers? Without you, it seemed like the galaxy was doomed for destruction anyhow."

Her breathing hitched as her eyes bore into Garrus's, feeling shock ripple through her body. She remembered how Joker said that she had been the one holding the crew together, that was why they all went their separate ways. But to really think that her 'death' had affected any of them in such a way… the thought never crossed her mind.

And somehow, it made her feel worse thinking that Garrus had been one to feel so.

But before she had a chance to say anything, the vigilante's eyes were back on the console before him, his talons moving in a jerky motion to accomplish his task. The sight made swift regret flood through her veins, making her feel guilt in having done this to her friend – even if it was completely beyond her control.

However, just as she wondered if speaking to Garrus was a mistake, the silence surrounding them dissipated gently and easily.

"So you can imagine how glad I was to see you still alive," the turian said, looking back over to her with slight caution. "I don't see how I could have made the choice to refuse joining you again after that…"

To that, Janelle could only acknowledge with a subdued nod, her eyes focusing on the floor feeling the loss once more threaten to consume her. Though this time, none of the anger found its way into her heart.

"Ah… sorry, Shepard. I shouldn't have alluded to…"

"It's okay, Garrus," she sighed and gazed back his way, giving a weak smile before letting it fall in defeat. "It doesn't matter anyhow. I wasn't going to be able to change his mind and it's probably better this way…"

"Still… it doesn't seem right to me. You two were close. If anyone was going to join you, I would have thought Alenko would have…"

"Honestly, Garrus… I think a part of me always felt you, Wrex, or Tali would have taken up the offer before Kaidan would have," she murmured, again turning away and taking to idly smoothing out the flap of her outfit resting against her thigh. "It's not just because this is a Cerberus operation. I… I don't think we were exactly as close as the rest of you thought we were. There had been fights between us that we tried to hide that last month. He was jealous and felt inadequate. I mean, can you honestly remember a time that he really came on a mission with me? It was usually you, Wrex, or Tali. I know Liara didn't mind it, but Kaidan did. He thought that he should be out there, fighting with me…"

"Oh. I suppose that's pretty understandable…" the turian said softly, sounding to be at a loss.

"So I shouldn't blame him really," Janelle sighed, looking over to Garrus out of the corner of her eye. "He wasn't happy to know you were on the team, but he was surprised that you weren't there on Horizon. Mocked me about that…"

"Didn't really think he was the kind that would…"

"He was mad," she shrugged. Not necessarily because this meant nothing to her, but because she wanted to lose the burden. She wanted to stop speaking to Garrus like this, laying her problems on him, but she couldn't stop. She did need to talk about this and on this ship, who else could she really talk to? She didn't trust Jacob or Miranda, not with their Cerberus affiliation. And the rest? As if Jack or Grunt could lend a 'shoulder to cry on.' And Mordin? The last thing Janelle needed was a rapid science explanation about chemicals in the brain or what not.

At least she knew that Garrus wasn't going to tell her to shut up. Not when he voiced his own misgivings.

"Still… doesn't make sense to talk to you the way he had. Not after everything you've done," her friend spoke up, his voice taking on a stronger, rather… aggressive tone, something she was actually hearing more of lately. Something that was starting to chill her. But she just shoved such thoughts aside, reminding herself that a lot had happened in two years after all. "And he should have known you better than what he claimed. Even I knew there had to be a reason you'd align yourself with Cerberus, especially after finding out what really happened at Akuze and then… Admiral Kahoku.

"I… Shepard, I hate to say this if it's not what you want to hear, but…

"For the team and – you especially – it's probably best that he isn't here…"

"Yeah, I had a feeling," Janelle gave another sigh before leaning forward and pressing her palm to her face as she shook her head. "Sorry, Garrus. I shouldn't be making you deal with my problems…"

"If you've got problems, it'd be stupid not to help you out. If possible. After all, how are we going to get anywhere without you? Might as well be back in that volcano on Therum if we're going to end up with a broken wreck for a commander."

"Ha ha. Very funny, Garrus," she grumbled back, but could not restrain the smirk that crept onto her lips as she shoved away from the railing and crossed her arms while glaring up at him. "I'll try to keep the drama to a minimum…"

"I'm sure the rest of the crew would be glad to hear that. Would be quite the load off the shoulders, most definitely," the turian returned, his tone so laced with mockery, Janelle couldn't stop herself from rapping her knuckles against his shoulder guards.

"Watch it Turian. I'm still better at headshots than you."

"You wish."

"For a turian… you question your commander quite readily. Sure you're ready to face the consequences?"

"When you put it that way… it piques my interests to find out what you have intended," the former agent said, a mischievous light in his eyes as stared down at her, a light that somehow made the infiltrator's body grow restless.

"So then it will be torment to make you wonder," she return, still wearing the smirk as she began to make her way for the door, but still holding her gaze on his. "You better fall in line soon, Garrus. This might be a civilian operative, but both you and I are trained soldiers. Once a soldier, always a soldier…"

"That's obvious from you. Enjoying the chance to order me around, it seems," Garrus said with amusement, shaking his head. "Now I see why humans can consider their females so cruel. You are a cruel one at times, Shepard."

"And face it, you just wouldn't enjoy serving under me if I was anything different," she returned, pausing at the open door. "Besides… you deserve it. Hitting me with those concussion shots…"

"Anything to make the trip more amusing and interesting," he returned, making Janelle give a scoff and a glare. "But, seriously, Shepard, I am glad to be back. Wouldn't trade this for anything in the galaxy, to be honest. And, just to let you know…

"I'll be here if you need me."

"Yea. I know," she murmured, flashing him a last soft smile before finally striding away, letting her gaze linger on him a little longer and seeing his do the same before he turned away. It made her smile widen and she could feel a certain amount of joy flow through her veins as she made her way up to the CIC, fully intent on seeing if she could convince Tali to join her again. It would be great after all to have one more addition to the crew who was a familiar face.

But just as Janelle found herself inside the elevator, she felt herself freeze with realization.

She was just now realizing why those fights between her and Kaidan transpired, why he was jealous, why she suddenly didn't care anymore for leaving him back on Horizon…

All this time, since that first day in the Presidium…

The man she truly had fallen for wasn't even human.

No, it was a turian. She had been smitten by Garrus since they met…

Endnote: So hopefully I didn't stray too far from Garrus's personality and I hope that the notion that the two have had some flirtation going on since the first game isn't far-fetched. I always felt like the 'alien appeaser' Shepard could very well be the sort to treat the aliens of her crew like good drinking buddies. And given how my Shepard was an infiltrator and she and Garrus would have have similar talents, I can see them having competitions against each other. I dunno... those are my thoughts at least...

Well, hope you enjoyed and hopefully I'll get more added so... R&R ^_^