Once again Milton took off with the disclaimer saying that I don't own any Archer characters. Just a little one shot that ran through my mind about something I observed about Mallory this season of Archer. And my deranged explanation of it. Takes place after 'The Kanes' and before 'Pocket Listing'.
Poking the Alligator
"Archer we need to have a talk," Lana walked up to Archer who was finishing up his brandy laced coffee in the employee lounge.
"Again Lana! If this is about the three way I thought your parents were offering last week…" Archer sighed. "Haven't I apologized for that enough?"
"No. But that's not what I want to talk to you about. Have you noticed your mother's been a little…off lately?" Lana asked.
"Now that you've mentioned it I have noticed something," Archer frowned. "The tone of her voice is less…evil. I mean the other day she barely had enough venom to insult her Irish superintendent of her building."
"Really?"
"Yeah I heard the whole thing. I was there because she wanted me to program her VCR again. And for her to criticize me of course. He was there for some reason. I wasn't really paying attention to what," Archer said. "And he asked her for a drink of water and she only said 'No, you annoying bastard'. I mean come on there's a whole list of things she would normally say."
"Uh huh…"
"She could have said something about potato juice or whisky or green beer but that never came up," Archer went on. "She didn't even say annoying Irish bastard. Come on Lana. When was the last time Mother passed up a chance to insult the Irish?"
"Never," Lana frowned. "That is odd for Mallory to not to go out of her way to be racist."
"I know. And yesterday when Pam got crumbs on the floor while eating one of her bear claws, Mother didn't even yell about ants," Archer went on. "She just looked at her and growled. But not her usual growl which sounds like death by cheese grater. It was more like…a half asleep annoyed rabid cat growl."
"I saw that too," Lana realized. "She did sound a little off. I wonder if she's sick or something?"
"You think she's sick?" Archer was stunned. "Wow. That would explain it. I wonder how much she left me in her will?"
"Really?" Lana gave him a look. "You're going there?"
"Yeah right. That's a pipe dream," Archer waved. "Knowing my luck she'll outlive me."
"Come on, let's go talk to her," Lana suggested.
"Why?" Archer asked.
"Come on," Lana pulled at his arm. "Let's find out what's going on."
"Let's not and say we did! OW! Lana!" Archer winced. "Seriously Lana, Johnny Bench called and he wants his hands back."
"Will you be serious for once in your life?" Lana snapped as she dragged him to Mallory's office. "We need to find out what's wrong with your mother."
"No, we don't," Archer said. "She's fine. Besides her obvious lack of a soul."
"Archer…"
"Lana have you ever heard the expression don't poke a sleeping alligator?" Archer went on.
"Bear," Lana corrected.
"Whatever animal with sharp teeth and a nasty disposition known for mauling people," Archer went on. "Seriously Lana, if she needs something from us, Mother will tell us. Until then enjoy the peace and quiet while it lasts. Because odds are it won't!"
"Come on!"
"And here we go with a big sharp stick…" Archer groaned as Lana dragged him into the office.
"Mallory?" Lana asked as they went in. Mallory was at her desk looking at some papers and drinking some alcohol.
"Oh hello Lana. Sterling. How nice to see you," Mallory said in an almost sweet voice.
"See? I told you. She's fine," Archer waved. "Let's go." He was prevented from leaving by Lana grabbing his arm. "OW! Lana!"
"Are you okay Mallory?" Lana asked. "You seem a little down lately."
"Oh why would I be down at all dear?" Mallory sighed. "Everything is just fine. So my agency isn't as busy as it used to be? So it no longer employs a few hundred staff members? So it's seen some better days and is now a shell of its former self? This is merely a transitional period. That's all. A little rough patch."
"Uh huh…" Lana said cautiously.
"I admit financially last year we could have done better…" Mallory waved. "If we just sold cupcakes on the street corner instead of cocaine. What's the difference? Either way Pam would have eaten it all. But we managed to almost break even anyway. With the acquisitions we liberated from the palace at San Marcos…"
"Stole from the palace…" Lana corrected.
"Semantics," Mallory shrugged as she finished her drink. "Anyway using the funds which we acquired from San Marcos we were able to restart this agency. Of course all that is gone now. As well as ten million dollars to renovate our offices. Ten million. To turn the office into exactly the same old blood stained sinkhole it was before."
"You're still mad about that?" Archer asked.
"But that doesn't matter. Once we do a few more missions the CIA will see how valuable we are and the money will come rolling in," Mallory poured herself a drink. "Then I'll be able to afford more competent staff and agents."
"That's good," Archer said.
"Agents that won't spend all their time drinking, eating, smoking, gambling and screwing around with anything with a pulse!" Mallory said bitterly before she took a drink. "Agents that will actually do real work instead of gossiping and whining about their personal lives! Agents that will turn this agency around and make it a powerhouse instead of the adult day care that I am paying for with what little money I have left!"
"Uh…" Lana and Archer gave each other a look.
"Oh no. Don't misunderstand me," Mallory said in a strangely soft voice. "I have plenty of money and don't need to ask Ron every other day for it. I have enough money to run an agency that barely does anything at all. Little things like paying for electricity, heat, some minor building code violation fines, and the salaries of idiots who do nothing but gossip and drink all day. Not to mention the apartment you reside in Sterling…"
"Oh boy…" Archer winced.
"So things have hit a slight rough patch with my business?" Mallory went on. "I still have money. Plenty of money in investments and the stock market which will bounce back any day now. Any day now…"
"That's possible," Lana blinked.
"And there's no problems with my personal life," Mallory continued. "My personal life is fine. Just fine. My marriage to Ron has almost no problems at all. I have all the society friends I need. And I'm certainly not losing favors to my friends in the government faster than the Godfather at a birthday party!"
"Mallory you look a little stressed," Lana said.
"Stressed? Why would I be stressed?" Mallory had a look in her eyes. "Everything is fine dear. Just fine."
SHATTER!
"Just fine…" Mallory said right as she clenched her fist that was holding the glass. Of course the glass broke. "Great…Now I have to buy another glass. I'll just add it to the list."
"List?" Archer asked.
"Yes, my list of things I need around the office," Mallory simply wrote down something on a piece of paper, not even bothering to pay attention to her hand. "Little things I need. Weapons, ammunition, money, decent hardworking employees…some god damn respect!"
"And here we go…" Archer groaned. "One angry cranky alligator!"
"Who the hell do those bastards at the CIA think they are?" Mallory yelled with her usual vigor. "It's bad enough I barely get enough respect around here as it is from you lot! And Sterling I've given up on getting any sort of respect from you years ago…"
"Mother! I respect you!" Archer gasped.
"HA! Right!" Mallory scoffed. "And of course that bitch Trudy Beekman who just lives to make my life a living hell is doing all she can to smash my social life into tiny pieces! Her giant jowls flapping about how you impregnated two women out of wedlock! One being an Irish whore!"
"Okay first of all Lana stole my sperm," Archer interrupted. "Thanks a lot Lana!"
"You know…?" Lana gave him a look.
"Which knowing you was probably your idea in the first place!" Archer went on to rant at his mother. "Just like when you helped Lana set up that whole Farooq thing which was way over the line! I mean what kind of person has someone shoot their own son for a stupid test?"
"I never told him to shoot you," Mallory scoffed. "Stop being such a drama queen. That's Gillette's job. Farooq was only instructed to wound you if the situation called for it."
"Well maybe Mother I would respect you more if you didn't treat me like some kind of damn puppet whose strings you have to yank on all the time…" Archer began.
"See! You don't respect me! I knew it!" Mallory snapped.
"Well you don't respect me at all so the feeling's mutual!" Archer snapped. "And secondly…Damn it. I had something else."
"Is it about the Irish whore?" Mallory gave him a look.
"First of all, she was an escort. And she got out of the business so technically she's a former escort…" Archer corrected.
"Still a whore," Mallory scoffed.
"You should talk," Archer grumbled.
"WHAT?" Mallory yelled.
"Oh like nobody in the world knows that!" Archer went on.
"Archer!" Lana gasped.
"What? You know it too!" Archer began. "And secondly it turns out Seamus…"
CRASH!
"Oh dear God what insanity is going on now?" Mallory grumbled at the sound of something being destroyed. She got up and angrily went to the door. "Out of my way Sterling!"
"See what I mean?" Archer snapped as Mallory shoved him aside. "Just push me aside Mother! Why not? You've been doing that to me my whole life!"
"Oh stop whining you little…" Mallory began. Just then Milton zoomed by her. "What the…?"
"Time!" Cheryl had a stopwatch. "Yes! A minute and fifteen seconds! You've cut your time in half Milton!"
"That overgrown toaster nearly cut me in half!" Mallory barked. She then noticed one of the office desks had tipped over. "What is going on here? Who made that mess?"
"Milton found a shortcut," Cheryl said. "I'm training him."
"You're training a toaster," Lana gave Cheryl a look.
"For what? Since when does Letterman do Stupid Toaster Tricks?" Archer scoffed.
"Okay next trick! Here Milton! Here boy! Go fetch!" Cheryl waved the ruler and threw it. Milton made some beeps and rolled after it. "Go get it boy!"
"My secretary is now playing fetch with the office toaster," Mallory groaned. "This is a new low even for this group!"
"How is he going to pick it up?" Archer asked Cheryl. "Milton doesn't even have hands."
"Oh. I didn't think that through," Cheryl realized.
"Big surprise," Mallory groaned. "I don't know how much more of this I can take."
"I think he's trying to move the ruler using his wheels," Archer noticed. "Got to give him an A for effort."
"That stupid metal monstrosity is the only one here putting in any effort!" Mallory yelled glaring at her son.
"How is this my fault again?" Archer asked. "I didn't create Milton. Krieger did!"
"But you approved the budget and the redecorating and…You are a bitter disappointment!" Mallory shouted and stormed back into the office.
"Wow. I guess she's back to normal," Lana blinked.
"Lana why is it whenever you poke the alligator, I'm the one who gets my head bitten off?" Archer shouted.
"Karma?" Cheryl suggested
"You know…" Archer glared at her. Cheryl giggled.