Night had fallen upon the lake. Surrounded by trees, and dark, and wilderness, I was brought to my knees on the pier., motionless. I couldn't bring myself to move, my thoughts keeping a silent grip on me, binding me to the spot. My eyes took in my surroundings, but my body didn't move. Beautiful. It was beautiful out here.. The moon was shining bright and full in the sky, as if casting a spell over the lake. The rows upon rows of tall green trees stood proudly, unwavering, shrouded themselves in darkness except for stray glimmers of moonlight which atop. It was quiet, maybe even peaceful some might say. The sound of the water could even be considered calming to most, I wasn't sure what it felt like to me.
I wasn't sure of anything anymore.
The sun had shone so bright that afternoon. So bright that when I felt the heat fall upon my face, its warmth had brought me hope. Hope for something.. anything. Leaning my head back, seeking out the sun, I held my gaze upon its bright light. I remember the heat, the light. Forcing my eyes to stay open until it became a battle, it was so bright. Blinding. My eyes filled with water, but I held my gaze. I felt purpose in that moment, as if there were answers behind the sun's flames that would quell my inner self. Hope. I didn't know what it was I was hoping for, but I wanted to feel. I had to feel. Something.. anything. I tried to hold on, to see the light, to feel it's warmth. I did, for a what seemed an eternity, until my eyes stung and I couldn't see anything but white. I wasn't sure how long I stared, but slowly the sun crawled behind the trees, leaving me, alone, again.
No answers, no hope, nothing, no light, no dark. Nothing. There was nothing. I felt.. nothing.
The moonlight was making the water sparkle, flecks of light in the vast darkness. The light crashing of the soft waves against the pier the only sound. Still rooted to wooden slats of the pier, I sat, on my knees. My knees were numb. I was numb. How did I get here? How did I end up this way? Numb, empty. Nothing.
So there I knelt, as if silently praying to some God in the sky for answers. For something.. Anything to take this feeling away. The moon was still so bright, but the feelings coursing through my body were dark, there was nothing bright about me. So dark. I wanted the darkness to take me. Swallow me whole, so I couldn't feel. I felt my heart pound hard, as though it was about burst through my chest if it went any faster. The weight on me felt so heavy, it was crushing me. I could hardly breath. Panic. Despair. I couldn't stand it, there were cries in the air now, so loud, terrifying, they sent chills down my body. They were coming from me. Tears running down my face, I wasn't in control anymore. I rose from my knees, stumbling as I stood, the numbness in my feet the only part not consumed with pain.
My pain was real, I could feel it coursing through my body, I hurt, my whole body hurt, it ached. The deafening pound in my chest unbearable, I wanted to rip my heart out just so I wouldn't feel this way anymore. The despair had claimed me, claimed my body, my mind. I had nothing. I was nothing.
The moon was low, I remember. I knew what I wanted. What I needed. The pain could stop. It would stop. I lowered myself into the water.. I didn't flinch when the cold water enveloped my feet, my legs, my waist. It calmed me. Soothing. I walked towards the moon. I would have my answers, I would find my peace.. I couldn't find it in the light, I will find it in the dark. I paddled out, fixing my gaze upon the moon. I let myself float in the water, my heart was no longer pounding, the sobs had stifled. The pain was still there, in my heart, deep inside. I couldn't feel the ground below me any longer. I saw no more glimmers of light in the water. No more hope. I stopped trying stay afloat. I lay back, closed my eyes under the moon and let the water have me, I gave myself to despair.