Somedays I wonder if there's a reason
outside of pure masochism
for coming back here day after day.

I am being honest with you.

Not that I haven't been honest - I have
every poem was, good or bad, from my heart.
But sometimes maybe honesty isn't good enough.

But I wouldn't know what was, then.

~

Maybe the Luciferians are right, and so much pain
causes from trying to help other people.
Because I look around at so much around me -
people trying to help by conversion
because their way is The Only Way -
and it makes me want to cry.

Forcing people only hurts them, whether it is
that you bond them or break their chains.
But do you know, I have seen both forcings and yet
I cannot decide which is worse.

But violence created DaVinci and Dante,
while peace gave only the coocoo clock.

There must be change inside. But who am I
to say that we should become more free?
Maybe slavery is humanity's proper status after all.

~

And if that is true, why is it I feel a stirring in my bosom
a rage and depairing desire jabbing tendrils
into my brain?
Why does that seem so wrong and cruel and vicious?
Why? Is this pride, to be demanding to be treated
with human respect by all beings of the multiverse.
Is that the hideous sin called pride, that I want love
and acceptance and respect as well?

Sometimes my cynical side explains things.
Pride's just a way to keep slaves down. But I know
that hubris can create the greatest cliffs of all.

I can't explain it, but I know I am not a sinner.
And I know the whole human race has no sin either.
Sin is a crime against God. There is no God.

~

Do you know, I used to be Christian once,
and kept that faith through pain and despair, against the advice
of even my best Christian friends. And then
my reality just smashed me into the pavement
and screamed LOOK SEE UNDERSTAND DAMNIT?!

And when I got up and wiped the blood off my nose,
God didn't exist, and I knew all that time
I was lying to myself. I knew, like I know
the sky is blue, my hair is blonde,

and Evan's smile is greater than a million green-eyed
gargoyles' smirks.

And all the time I thought it was Jesus who loved me,
it was me who loved myself,
and I did not feel the worse for it.

~

People rant on about praying for some heathen on the board,
for or against, and I guess it's silly,
Matthew 6:5-6, that Rabbi that Christian's follow,
he tell them not too. Why is it sometimes,
that I feel I'm the only one here who has read the Gospels?

And sometimes I feel left out,
because I never got the conversion letters all the other heathens got.
Am I a lost cause to you? That might be considered to be good.
I don't much know.

~

Have you really read me so far? I rejoice.
Have a s'more, and review whilst you munch.
But be forewarned, I should say,
that I allow not poison, and if you consider that proper,
I will consider simple retribution.
Debate and technicals, go right ahead.

to my oji-sama, for being alive