a/n: Ok, like all of our great works, this was written at around 12:00/1:00 am with help from ISufferFromHubris. Lovely isn't it? This thing is the product of a phone conversation we had discussing hoe cool/funny if That-Clary-Ginger-Thing let Magnus the Magnificent use Sebastian as a coat rack and how Valentine would react to it. Obvious OOC-ness going on, we lossly ased Valentine offf of Tamaki from Oran High School Host Club! There will be other chapters to this, we wouldn't leave you hanging like that. Well enjoy our madness!
One more thing. Its not fare that you only look at my stuff. Go and check out ISufferFromHubris's work! I think you would laugh your ass off at some of the crazy shit she comes up with.
"Where is my lazy, good for nothing excuse for a Jonathan unit?" Valentine sat alone at his desk in his secret office absentmindedly petting his cat, Mosque, in his lap as he spoke aloud to himself. Valentine grunted in frustration and checked his watch.
"That insolent Jonathan of mine should have been here two hours, sixteen minutes, and thirty-five seconds ago! That boy is never late! Where, oh where, has my Jonathan gone? Oh where, oh where can he beeee?" he sang to his cat mournfully.
"I'm beginning to worry about the lad!" he cried out dramatically, flourishing his arms wildly at the ceiling, turning a pathetic look at Mosque, who stared back at him as if she was used to this strange behavior, which she was.
Valentine turned his head to gaze longingly out his lone window. "I have…. a great view," he said in a failed attempt to console himself. It only made his eyes fill with tears that began to spill down his luminescent cheeks, which solely reminded him of the rain drops trickling down the brick wall immediately outside the window. He picked up his cat so that she could share in his delightful view sobbing, "Don't you think so, Mosque? Don't you just love that wonderful meadow of wild flowers with the dancing unicorns and pegasi that fly up over the rainbows into the fluffy pink cotton-candy clouds? Doesn't it make you love and cherish life, Mosque?" Said cat just meowed.
Valentine snapped, tears suddenly gone, "Don't back-sass me, cat! I get enough of that from that unappreciative Jonathan Squared!" The man sighed forlornly and looked back out his window and resumed the rhythmic stroking of Mosque. Realization dawned on him and he remembered his initial problem.
"What if my Prime Jonathan Unit was stolen away in the nigh by a pack of rogue ninjas? Or maybe those gluttonous Penhallows ate him! My son! My poor, poor son!" he cried, flailing his arms helplessly, causing Mosque to fall out of his lap in a heap and slowly clamber back with a disgruntled meow. Valentine declared, abruptly pointing his finger to the sky, "Wait! Neither the Penhallows nor a rogue pack of unsavory ninjas would be a match for my darling Jonathan Prime! It was obviously a troop of uncouth samurai-warlocks, who took him to Antarctica to offer a bloody sacrifice to their angered penguin god! Ahh, my Jonathan is have his heart cut out with a rusty spatula as I speak!" he cried out dejectedly turn to Mosque for moral support. "Should I look for him, Mosque?"
Mosque simply meowed at her flamboyant master. "You're right, cat! I did have that GPS tracking device inserted into his left elbow when he wasn't looking!" he gesturing madly about with his arms. "All I need to do is go over here to my lovely screen, to find out where he is!" he standing up in a flourish, catching Mosque before she could fall and sauntered over to said screen.
With a thump, Valentine hit the large monitor, "Valentine Morgenstern does not know how to use mundane technology! Valentine Morgenstern knows how to install tracking device into Jonathan Prime, but Valentine Morgenstern does not know how to operate this infernal screen!" Mosque meowed at him. "VALENTINE MORGENSTERN DOES NOT USE INSTRUCTION MANUALS!" he boomed at his unfortunate cat. Mosque meowed once again and Valentine sighed, "Fine, Valentine Morgenstern will use the instruction manual."
The one and only Valentine Morgenstern found himself in the illustrious home of notable warlock, Ragnor Fell. His eyes, in a panic, glanced furiously around the room until he found what he was looking for… his Jonathan Prime.
"Jonathan!" he cried, running and glomping his son fiercely. "My son! What have these ingrates done to you?" For his amazing Jonathan was as still as a marble statue and had coats and sparkly hats hanging off of his limbs.
"WHO DARES ENTERS MY RESIDENCE WITHOUT MY PERMISSION?" boomed a semi-familiar voice, causing Valentine to jump still clutching his Jonathan. Then into the room strode a magnificently tall gorgeous Asian warlock, whom Valentine instantaneously recognized.
"You," Valentine said in pleasantly surprised gasp.
"Hold on a second," Magnus said. "You were that scrawny wimpy kid who tried seducing me when you were only fifteen, aren't you?"
At that Valentine giggled cheekily, trying to hide his obvious delight that Magnus Bane remembered him. "You remember me?"
"Of course I remember you! It was the creepiest thing I'd seen in years! You snuck into a gay bar and were sloshed all to hell and were throwing yourself at me, trying to make out with me and groping me in highly inappropriate areas! By the way, what's your name anyway?" Magnus said in exasperation.
"Valentine," Valentine said cheerily, " Valentine Morgenstern!"
Magnus choked for a moment. "What?"
"Yep!" Valentine said, his tone becoming darker, "It was because of you refusing my advances that I began to hate Downworlders."
A/N: ZOMGFLOGGEN A CLIFFYFLOGGEN!