Innately

The sun is coming up, so should you. But it's been a long night and you roll back over, covering your head with your pillow. You have a blinding headache and immediately regret doing...well, whatever drug that was that you were doing last night. You don't even know anymore. But you do know that the day is awaiting your presence and that not getting up would be a mistake.

So you drag your body out of bed and into the shower. And as the water pounds onto your body, your mind begins to wander. You think of Justin and Michael, Emmet and Ted, and Lindsay and Mel. These are the people who have shaped your life and you know it. And you love them, though you would never admit it out loud. You don't need to.

Or, at least, you didn't think that you needed to. You thought that your actions spoke louder than your words, that your affection was clearly visible. But sometimes, actions aren't enough, and people need to be verbally reassured that they are loved. And those three little words were never easy for you to say. So why say them?

After all, they're only words. In reality, they don't mean much of anything at all. They are as easily the truth as they are not. And you know this, so you don't understand why others so desperately want to hear them. But they do, and it's the one thing that you can't give them. Or, maybe you simply just won't.

Love, to you, has always been a huge joke, a lie at best. "I will love you forever" has always seemed presumptuous to you. Who knows how you'll feel tomorrow, let alone in an eternity. And how long is forever? If judging by the increased amount of divorces, it can't be too long. And when forever is as short as it is nowadays, what's the point?

The word has no meaning to you. But the actions...that's what counts. Right? But they don't see that. They don't understand why you cover your love for them with sarcasm and lack of commitment, but also partnered with loving actions. They don't understand why you don't believe in love. But then, they don't really try to understand, do they?

Instead, they reject you and insult you and turn you into a bad guy. And you let them. Why do you let them?

You know, Brian Kinney, that you're a good person, innately, regardless of how you treat people. You've sacrificed so much for your friends. You've put yourself in compromising situations to help their causes. You've given them everything. You've given them everything but that little four letter word.

And, when it comes down to it, that's all they want. They want to hear, not just see, that you love them. And because you can't say it, they make you out to be the bad guy.

You hear it constantly.

"Don't count on him. He only cares about his own skin."

"I don't know why you still bother with him. He's never gonna change."

"I give up. You're a useless, selfish fuck."

And if you care, you don't show it, and if you're hurt, you sure as hell laugh it off easily. But their words do sting. But you turn away with a smile on your face and an ache in your heart. They'll never guess and you'll never tell. It's how you want it. But sometimes you wonder why you let them hurt you like that. But you know that the only way to get them to stop is to reveal the truth. And this mask is all that you have to hide behind. You need this mask, this charade.

But why?

Perhaps you fear the expectations that comes with being a good person. People don't expect things from selfish bastards, but people with high moral characters are expected to act like it. They are expected to be perfect. And you, Brian Kinney, are far from perfection, no matter what you might think. And really, deep down, you know it too.

Or maybe you simply don't have the heart or energy to correct them. It's not your problem if they can't see the good in you. If they don't want to see the good in you. Hell, sometimes you can't even see the good in your own heart. Why should you expect them to?

Or maybe...maybe you fear that any efforts to disprove them would be futile. People have believed bad things about you for too long for that to change overnight. And, right now, you simply don't have the energy to fight with them. Right now, you don't hardly have energy to get out of bed.

Or maybe you just don't want to.

But you need to. So you step out of the shower and quickly dry off. Another long day lies ahead of you and you plan to meet it head on.

So you quickly dress and leave your apartment and thoughts behind you for the present. But they will continually haunt you because you know the truth and are innately honest. So hiding behind a mask is becoming continually harder, despite how necessary it is. But you don't care. And perhaps it's better this way. Better for them and, ultimately, better for you.

And so life will proceed, as usual. You won't change your ways and they won't change theirs. Their harsh judgments and cruel words will continue to hurt you and you know that they'll never truly acknowledge the person behind the charade. They'll never truly see Brian Kinney. But you'll try not to care. And instead, you'll continue being innately you.

A.N. I really like the second person pov. Anyways, if you like it, please review, and if you don't, then I'm sure you've been dying to yell at someone for lousy writing and now's your opportunity: review and tell me. Thanks for reading.