The Mystic Falls Corporation
Presents
STEFAN SALVATORE: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
GREETINGS! You are now the proud owner of a STEFAN SALVATORE unit! In order to achieve full use of your unit the reading of this manual is essential. You don't want him to drink human blood and eat you, do you? Do you? Bueller? Bueller…?
You should also feel pleased to know that the proceeds from your purchase are used toward the goals of the MYSTIC FALLS CORPORATION, which is an establishment seeking to enrich the culture and history of our lovely town by supplying an alternate food source, uh, we mean alternate perspective to our society.
Your STEFAN unit should arrive fully assembled and in upright conditions. Please check that you have all his accessories (see list below).
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS
Full Name: Stefan Salvatore
AKA: Emo Fangs, The Hair, Pure Heart, Brood Is Thy Name, etc
Porn Ability: The Smoldering Gaze of Angst
Manufacturer: MYSTIC FALLS CORPORATION
Date of Production: Classified.
Age: A bit younger than his undead brother
Height: Taller than Edward Cullen
Weight: Low fat animal blood keeps the pounds away
ACCESSORIES
Your STEFAN unit comes with the following accessories. Please check off to make sure you have all the necessary items:
Three DARK TO MEDIUM COLORED SHIRTS (all cut in different sexy, emo guy styles)
One PAIR OF DARK BLUE JEANS
One JOURNAL
One BOTTLE OF PUPPY BLOOD (it's his favorite!)
One GAUDY HUMUNGOUS MAGIC RING (magical bling)
Replacement and additional items must be purchased through our website: .com. We gladly accept credit, debit and checking account as payment. We also ship worldwide.
REMEMBER! If you remove the magic ring then your STEFAN unit cannot walk around in the sun. He will BURN in the sunlight without the magical bling.
BEWARE! The unit may purposely remove the ring during certain bouts of self hatred or depression. We recommend careful stalking during those periods. We will not issue a refund for your laziness.
ACTIVATION
Your STEFAN unit will arrive at your home in an unconscious state. PLEASE follow the correct procedure of activation or your STEFAN unit will not function properly. Failure to follow instructions may have negative results. Worst case scenario: You end up with a suicidal, guilt ridden vampire standing over your blood drained corpse.
(1). Remove him from his box (following the unwrapping instructions on box).
(2). Lay your unit flat on the floor.
(3). Time to get the animal blood. Yes. Animal blood. You read it correctly. That's right . . . DO NOT USE YOUR BLOOD OR ANY OTHER HUMAN BLOOD! We will not be responsible for the potential deadly consequences if you fail to ignore this warning. We have excellent, brainwashed lawyers and you would lose any case against us.
(4). Pour bottle of puppy blood into your unit's mouth.
(5). Once satiated, your unit will rise, and give you a smoldering look of consideration.
(6) Wait a few minutes as he continues to somewhat brood over his awakening then he will politely introduce himself.
Upon successful activation, your STEFAN unit will require some additional time to brood over his new circumstances. Please remember to provide him his journal to scribble down all his deep, deep thoughts that are…deep.
MODES OF OPERATION
DEFAULT
VAMPIRE: Your STEFAN unit will be ANGTSY and CONFLICTED over his vampirism. It is a sensitive issue that will be SERIOUS BUSINESS. Do not take his condition lightly or you will suffer the consequence of admittedly very sexy pouts and "pity me" cuddling. In contrast to his vampirism, he will greatly embrace and appreciate his humanity.
As a member of the undead, he will employ SUPERNATURAL POWERS. However, his powers will be weakened due to the animal blood diet. He will still be faster than us mere mortals. His may utilize POWERS OF SUGGESTION but they will be shaky. So, even if you do manage to persuade him to do the mind whammy with puppy dog eyes, it still won't be worth it as the effects won't be guaranteed to hold.
Make sure you keep STEFAN unit on his special diet. Giving him your blood should only be considered in a life or death situation. Please remember that your unit has not reconciled with his vampire side. If those fangs get leashed at any time….WATCH OUT!
READER/WRITER: Your STEFAN unit is a big fan of the written word. Not only will he consume your entire library of trashy romance novels but he will seek out more literature from the local library. Please make sure you accompany him to bookstores or he may be stolen by a group of supernatural romance readers.
He is also a writer. He will write down everything that happens to him. Yes. He will also write about the kinky sex you had. Take precautions so that his journal is safely hidden for your privacy.
ACTIVATED UPON CERTAIN CONDITIONS
LOVER: Your STEFAN unit will require you to build up a RELATIONSHIP before you can get to the fun sexy times. It's not too hard but it will require some PATIENCE. You will need to engage in various talks (just imagine him naked if you get frustrated) about your feelings to create a FRIENDSHIP. Once you see him intensely stare at you from afar then a mutual attraction has been formed. Please don't jump STEFAN unit at this point. It would cause him to back off and enter BROOD KILL mode (a self destructive state of angst).
Once you have achieved the desired RELATIONSHIP, you will reap the benefits of an intimate relationship. Also, you will get INCREDIBLE SEX as the greatest compensation for all your hard work. STEFAN unit aims to please. And you will be pleased.
WARNING! He will be very protective of you. This may seem sweet at first but it can result in him keeping important SECRETS from you. Make sure you constant emphasize the importance of trust and COMMUNICATION.
JOCK: Your STEFAN unit will do touchdowns and he will score. His embrace of humanity will make him be easily prompted into doing contact sports. Football, baseball, or soccer are all optional sports that you can steer your unit into joining. All you need to do is have him watch one game of the sport. Then you get to lust, uh, we mean watch him excel in physical activity.
SPECIAL
SPARKLE MODE: Due to pressure from the higher ups in the company, this feature has been added against the protests from our development department. If you desire for your STEFAN unit to SPARKLE in the sun then simply provide him with the entire Twilight series.
BEWARE! Your STEFAN unit may become overly fond of this new ability. This may become a health hazard when your eyeballs melt in their sockets from his blinding hair, which will sparkle very brightly.
CLEANING AND GENERAL CARE
Your STEFAN unit requires little effort to keep it in good condition. To keep him happy, healthy and clean please perform the following on a daily basis:
(1). Daily Grooming. Your unit enjoys long hot showers. He will gladly let you join him and promptly wash you. All over.
(2) Food. Your STEFAN unit will procure animal blood for himself. However, he will gladly join you for all your meals and assist with cooking for the "human" experience.
(3). Exercise. Unless you engage him in sports, he prefers to workout indoors.
(4) Hair. Make sure you stock enough product to keep that emo mane intact.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: How come he doesn't come with any underwear?
A: Our scientists did a poll amongst themselves. Underwear was vetoed. Sorry.
Q: I want STEFAN unit to drink my blood! But he keeps refusing me! What should I do?
A: Did you not read the warning in the guide above? We're so happy, uh, we mean horrified that you're suicidal. Anyways, just switch out one of his bottles of animal blood for human blood. Create an open wound on yourself after he has human blood circulating through him. The feeding session will then commence. We'll cross our fingers for your survival.
Q: I think vampires are super cool. Why can't STEFAN unit be more happy about it?
A: Just get a DAMON unit instead.
Q: Can STEFAN unit fly?
A: No. Why would you even think that?
Q: Doesn't he have wings? I thought he had wings…
A: NO
Q: How many licks does it take STEFAN unit to reach the center of a Tootsie pop?
A: We don't know. Let's find out! =gives tootsie pop to a STEFAN unit= Hmm. He's licked it once. Now, he's just brooding over it. At this rate, we guess the world will never find out.
Author's Note: Thank you to all those who read and reviewed my DAMON unit guide. I hope you also enjoyed reading this fic. And if you haven't read my Damon guide then go read it!
I would love any reviews or comments that you'd like to leave. If you have any questions about my fic then please feel free to PM me.
Disclaimer: I did not come up with this owner guide/manual idea. I believe that credit goes to an author by the name of Theresa Green, whose idea lead to the creation of owner guides in other categories on this site. And of course, I do not own the VAMPIRE DIARIES.