Dear Readers, I apologize for taking so long with the other stories and I know that this no way of compensation; however, I felt compelled to create this story. I am working on the others, but I am having problems with the wording and it is getting aggravating. This is the only thing that came out even semi-decent. Thank you all for your comments. Please keep them coming.
-----------Question/preface-----------
In the throws of war two hearts meet and melded forming one through pain and joy, anguish and beauty; however peace was never bought cheap and those left living feel the burn of pain, tear and loss more than anyone else.
If the one you loved were taken from you, would there be no regrets? No pain harboring between you? Would there be things left unsaid in the blood-shaded sunrise of battle? Would they know how much you loved them or would you have been so scared to admit the feeling, afraid that it would make the occurrence of loss more real?
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~"We are each of us angels with only one wing, to fly we need only embrace each other."~
I miss you…
Oh, God, how I miss you.
You don't know how much it hurts, coming here day after day, waiting, watching… hoping that this will be the day that you wake up. The day that your eyes flutter open and again look into mine with such love and joy, your skin grows less pale, and your hand finally responds to my constant grip.
/links hands/
I never miss a day, rarely an hour by your side.
It is torturous this constant vigilance, but being away is even worse. At least when I am here with you I can almost imagine that your just resting, like you use to do in my arms.
They let me hold you once. You were so cold, so very cold. I can't even imagine what it would be like if you were actually dead. I shiver every time I think of it, just as I am doing now. I am glad you can't see me I must look a mess. I'm crying, you know. I only stop when others are around. It wouldn't do to have them worrying again.
I do that enough for all of us.
Oh, you had visitors today. They're gone now, but Ron, Hermione, Snape, and Lupin were all here. Dumbledore is busy restoring Hogwarts after the last battle, but he comes here almost as much as I do, and Sirius sends his love. He can't stand to see you like this, not after, well, not after what happened. He's doing better, at least he isn't laying in a sterile room barely alive. I can't hate him for what happened to you, it wasn't his fault. Sometimes I am angry with you for what you did, but you're not too blame either. You did it out of love and I understand.
Lupin is taking care of him, he's eating solid foods again and the scarring is fading. He'll be discolored for the rest of his life, but at least it wont be as bad as it could have. I think the best thing is that he is with Lupin. Love always helps. I suppose that is what I am hoping by being with you everyday, hoping that you feel me next to, hope that you will respond to my love. It seems to work with them.
God, please let it work with you.
I visit him as well.
Snape still has a limp, will have for a while. Ron's arm is almost healed and Hermione's taking care of them both. Snape's enjoying himself in their company. Not that he will admit it.
We've had you moved into your own room, Hermione insisted on decorating it. You're going to hate it when you wake up, but it was a nice gesture. I never realized exactly how close you two were. The walls are this awful color of green and blue swirl. The ceiling took some effort but she managed to enchant it to look like the sky, she knew how much you admired the ceiling at Hogwarts. Ron added his own taste to hers; three posters of the Chudley Cannons are decorating the walls. There are some pictures on the walls with them from our classmates. Then there are the flowers and cards and the candies that the Weasley twins sent, I've had those moved to the opposite corner of the room just in case. All together the room is tasteless and tacky, nothing matches. I hope I am the first to see your face when you look at it, that aught to be priceless.
/grins around the room/
Malfoy Manor has been evacuated of all the dark arts materials and objects. I've had the rooms redone with you and me in mind. I hope you enjoy it. I am already living in it. I knew that is what you would have wanted. We talked about how it would be once the war was over. I followed all of our plans to the letter.
Narcissa moved into the summer mansion near Paris. I think the air suits her there. She is recovering from Lucius' death as well as can be expected. She truly did love him didn't she? I never would have thought that Lucius was capable of being loved. I'm not as smart as everyone assumed am I? Or maybe it is just that I am a terrible judge of human character.
You often said so about me. I guess you were right.
I passed my NEWTs. I am an official wizard. I think you would have been proud, right? I don't know what I am going to do with my life. I have my fortune and my friends, that will last me awhile, so I don't have to worry just yet. Without you I don't know… I need you as that constancy in my life. You are so much a part of me that with you inactive I feel as though half of me were numb. Thank God I am a good actor. Deception has become a necessity to me lately.
Again, you would be proud.
And sad too.
I lie to everyone, pretending that everything is ok. I know that they don't believe me but it also doesn't allow them to know just how deeply I am hurting.
I never thought it would hurt this much.
I am listening to music right now; a muggle tune. It is from a muggle movie, The Wedding Planner. I want to watch it with you when you wake up. Here, let me sing it to you…
I had planned my life
To the last detail
With a story book romance to fill my days
But the funny thing about answered prayers
Is they come to you in unexpected ways
How could I plan on forever
When I never planned on you
Someone to fall for
To love for all eternity
Baby let's plan on forever
And watch all our dreams come true
You're what I live for
Who I can give forever to
My destiny is you…
'Cuz you danced with me
And the earth stood still
My heart can't quite believe how right this is
When you're in my arms
The truth of us
Is better than the best of all my dreams
How could I plan on forever
When I never planned on you
Someone to fall for
To love for all eternity
Baby let's plan on forever
And watch all our dreams come true
You're what I live for
Who I can give forever to
Oh...sometimes the one you are right for
Is standing too close to see
But you saw the light
And never gave up on me...
Baby...let's plan on forever
And watch all our dreams come true
You're what I live for
Who I can give...
Forever to...
Now I see
My destiny
is you
My destiny is you
Fitting isn't it, for both of us? Each of us having plans of our own, our paths carefully chosen and laid out before us by events and people we couldn't even begin to understand. We thought that we weren't meant to be together. Told that it was wrong, that it would never work out. I tried to believe them. I am sure that you did as well. We use to talk about the impossibility of our relationship, how wrong it was, how different we were, and then, then I would hold you in my arms, it didn't have to be more than that and I knew that everyone was wrong, even us. We were meant. We were right. We were the same.
~"We were two and had but one heart between us."~
God, I wish you would smile. I miss that. The way your lips would twitch slightly whenever you were trying to be serious and hold back laughter. Then there were the lazy smiles when we woke up in the morning. It never mattered what we had done that night, you would always look on me with such wonder and love. Lazy and warm. I never wanted to leave the folds of your arms. But the best was when you smiled, actually smiled. Pure. Uninhibited. Perfect. Brilliant. It lit up the entire world, well, at least my world and that was all that mattered. It would reach all the way into your eyes and dance there. The best times were just when you were about to kiss me. The way your lips took on that smile and your eyes grew sly and amused at the same time. My pulse raced and I could feel the warmth of us filling me.
Then your lips would meet mine. Soft and teasing, barely touching mine. Talk about wonderful torment. It was always so lazy and gloriously painful and worth every minute of tension when you finally took my lips with yours. I knew it was coming and yet every time you took my breath away.
I better stop before I get any further. I intend to make you pay for every wonderful memory that I have had to live through. You'd be pleased with their effect. You always enjoyed that didn't you? With all your antics it is a surprise how long we managed to keep our relationship a secret.
What a stir we caused when we came out… I thought that the Slytherins would never quit imitating fish and the Gryffindors, Seamus and Colin Creevy both ended up in the medical wing with Pansy. I think that Colin and Pansy were really devastated: his idol and her crush, but I still think that Seamus was upset that you and I came out before he and Dean could. We took all his glory away from him.
Dean's death really devastated him, but he is pulling through. I think that him and Bill Weasley are healing each other.
/brushes a strand of hair from his lover's face/
That reminds me, I wish you could have been there at funerals. McGonagall's was very formal and would have made her proud. Ginny's and Percy's were solemn, but that didn't last for long as they are Weasley's. It wouldn't have been right to have said goodbye to them in such a stiff and sad manner so Ron and the twins made sure that the wake was the social event of the season. There were so many others, I felt like I would be dressed in black permanently. I finally gave in and wore colors instead. Black reminded me too much of you and after the last battle colors were probably the best thing, you know, to boost emotions.
Things are slowly returning to normal. The countryside will take time to remove the scar, but the people are trying. Voldemort's gone and everyone is just celebrating life, glad that it is over. There have been more weddings than I ever thought possible I guess it is just the need for love and life. Ron and Hermione are engage; however, they've postponed their wedding until you wake up. They say it wont be the same without you. I told them it would be ok, but they said it wouldn't matter if they waited a while longer and that they wanted to have both the hero's of the war at their wedding.
You've been named a hero. Imagine that.
You deserved it.
That day keeps replaying itself over and over in my dreams. I don't think I will ever be able to forget that moment:
***********Flashback************
Darkness. Darkness so thick and suffocating that it feels as though a blanket of heat had descended upon the world. Screams filling the air, accenting the fire that scorches the ground and the lights flaring out from wands. I never thought it would be like that. I don't think anyone does realize what war is until they find themselves in the middle of a battle. That was exactly where I was. Facing those fierce, emotionless red eyes as they stared down at me with revulsion and triumph, he could already see his victory.
I stood there facing the worst foe the world had ever known and the only thing I could think of was you. I wondered if I would ever hold you again, if I would live to see your smile.
He knew.
I watched as his eyes took on that disgusted, calculating and wonderfully pleased look. His lips curved, as much in revulsion as pleasure, and I heard the deceptive coo of his voice as it hissed into my ear.
'Him?'
Then he laughed. God I hated that laugh. I can still hear it.
'What would your father think? His son, a disgusting homosexual! And with him of all people!'
I had let my guard down, let him glance into my mind. It was my fault, I know that.
He turned, searching the field for you.
It didn't take long. Not with the connection; arm or forehead he could have found any of us, but his mind was set on you.
You and Sirius were together a wave of black cloaked figures threatening to wipe you away any moment. Suddenly they were backing away, widening the circle around you two.
He had called them off. It gave him a clearer shot…. And me a painfully clear view of what would happen.
My wand lay trapped beneath his foot. I made a dive for it, but he was too quick and I hit my back hard against a tree and I fell numbly to the ground. Two sets of hands dragged me up, holding my face toward you two as Voldemort raised his wand.
'Foolish, boy.' he turned to you, considering, before that disgusting smile crept up his lips again. 'Which one will it be? The mutt of a godfather or the heroic slut?'
Our eyes connected, you and I, across the battlefield. It had gone quiet, everyone focused on us. I could feel the tears burn behind my eyes. I was scared, my mind numb with the phantom pain that would come from losing either of you. You stood there straight and tall, giving me courage when I knew it cost you not to give into fear.
(You were so brave and strong. The hero I could never be even though everyone the others say otherwise. I know the truth)
'Can't decide?' He smiled, 'Let me chose for you then.'
A million scenarios blared in my mind.
'The boy is too valuable to waste just yet. Besides it will be more fun to kill you both together, slowly. My revenge will be justified by both of your deaths.'
My lips opened and closed but no words would form.
'That's decided… the mutt dies first.' His wand raised, 'Avada Kedavra!'
He underestimated you again. The power that flowed through your veins, that had been so diligently strengthened and perfected rose with you as you leapt forward. It was the kind of scenes that epics are made of. Two blinding flashes of light struggling together, the scream that tore from your throat as your power tore at your last strength, and the deafening silence that echoed the aftershock of your power which whipped through the crowd of onlookers. (That was when Sirius became scarred. He was the closest to the source of the blast.)
I felt it. That beautiful warmth that was uniquely you. It wrapped itself around me even as you fell to the ground, pale and stiff.
Whether it was your sacrifice, your lifeless expression, or the last caress I felt from you, I'll never know. But I snapped. I never had the power you did or the ease that came with it, but I drew from you the emotion and the power; from myself I called on rage and despair.
It burned, but I had just enough left of my wits to focus on Voldemort and contain my power.
It consumed him. I watched in harsh pleasure as he burned.
It was over then; the death eaters fell apart without their leader.
*****************************
I came to your side as soon as I could. God you were so cold and pale, I thought you were dead.
I underestimated you. You can't believe the relief I felt when they told me you were alive. Barely. A magic-induced coma aided by exhaustion, left you unresponsive.
/9 chimes sound/
Damn. That's my cue to leave.
They wont even make an exception for me.
/stands up and leans over the bed/
I wanted to wait until you woke up, but I don't think it will hurt to tell you now. I can always tell you again when you open your eyes.
Thank you. Thank you for your sacrifice. I'll never forget it.
/brushes his lips against his lover's/
Come back to me.
Please… Please come back to me.
/tear falls onto a deathly pale cheek/
I… I… I love you.
We never said it, but we knew it was there. I just want you to know.
God, I love you so much…
/walks over and opens the door/
I'll be back tomorrow…
Be well… It's too early for an ending…
/exits and closes the door/
In the silence of the room nothing stirs except for the tiny reflection of light from the pale face laying still against the starched pillow.
Two tears trail, side by side, over the curve of his cheek, one his, the other that of his lover.
Lashes wet as another tear falls from the other eye.
A finger twitches, searching for the warm hand that just left…
Lips move stiffly, the words barely and audible whisper…
I love you too…… Harry…
~"We are one, after all, you and I. Together we suffer, together exist, and forever will recreate each other."~