Time, Patience, Honesty and Hope...a lot of Hope

Rating: K+

Topic: Orphan Black

Pairing: Cosima and Delphine

Summary: Delphine POV, kicking off after the Season 1 finale.

I'm Sick Delphine

The words are repeating in my head again and again as I cling on to Cosima. My head is spinning due to a wave of different emotions that are overtaking me and all my senses. There is a sense of relief that Cosima had accepted my help and had chosen to divulge something personal to me. Perhaps I am not completely out in the cold. However this relief is overshadowed by a foreboding feeling that is tearing away at me. Cosima is patented. Cosima is property. The clones were indeed in danger but unlike I had been led to believe the danger came from the DYAD institute. So Cosima had been right, I was the danger...I just had been too stupid and too trusting to realise it.

Now on top of the danger Cosima faces from the Institute there is the danger she faces from her own body. I am all too aware of the mystery respiratory ailment that has plagued some of the clones; as part of my former role at the DYAD Institute had been to research the condition. I have only been away from the programme for three months but up until I had been reassigned we had made little progress understanding or finding a cure for the condition. We had been at a disadvantage though. They had never allowed us to treat or research a subject directly and we were instead reliant upon multiple test results for various clones.

Cosima pulls back suddenly, removing herself from the embrace and sitting upright like she had been before the admission. The space between us suddenly feels like a void again and I have no idea if reaching out to the brunette would be welcomed or not. I want to hold her again and tell her everything will be alright. I should have said those things just now whilst we were embracing but I had become too lost in thought. Wary of overstepping the mark and causing Cosima to take a step backwards I resist trying to initiate another hug and instead reached out my hand and place it on top of Cosima's. To my relief the brunette allows the contact and even spreads her fingers so I can entwine our hands together. Even this small piece of intimacy touches my heart and soul more than I ever thought possible.

"You have a respiratory disease oui?" I clarify, trying to confirm my suspicions before my head races away with me. Cosima glances sideways at me and nods but her facial expression was blank and unreadable. I know we are on shaky ground right now and in ideal world I'd avoid the topic of my employment until a later date when the emotional wounds I have caused have started to heal. However it is not an ideal world and the topic of Cosima's health requires addressing.

"I...before I was transferred to you...I was working as a researcher at the DYAD" I begin to explain. "I was working on a cure for the condition but as far as I know one hasn't been perfected yet."

The muscles of Cosima's cheek and neck flicker and her hand closes around mine uncomfortably tightly for the briefest of seconds before easing again. It's hard to remain composed but I take a deep breath, suppress the urge to be sick, and try to continue.

"It's not much of a surprise though as we never really had anything con...concrete to study. Everything was...how do you say it? Need to Know? So we never had any real subjects to research. It was a shoot in the dark."

My English isn't perfect at the best of times but I never usually stumbled over my words like this. I think it's because I can feel the tension emanating from Cosima and it is making me nervous.

"Shot in the dark" Cosima corrects me flatly, her face remaining blank.

"Oh" I mumble, trying not to let the brunette's cool tone sting too much. I have no right to hurt but Cosima has every right to hurt and to be suspicious and angry. There was no quick cure for this; only time, patience, honesty and hope. A lot of hope.

"Cosima I was close to something before but the answers just el...eluded me" I press on. "I can help you...if you let me...I can help you. Please let me try?"

My words sounded confused and pitiful even to my own ears. I can help you...let me try. I can't promise her anything; I am painfully aware of that. I can however move night and day in an attempt to save her though. I have been careful not to burn bridges and if I am smart I can still use DYAD resources and data to help me. That is of course if I haven't been totally transparent to Leekie. I got the impression from Cosima during our argument back in Minnesota that I am a fairly pathetic liar.

"Because you are an Immunologist and you already have your doctorate" Cosima states quietly.

Her words pull me from my reverie and I dare to glance her way. Her words did not contain any kind of question, only a defeated statement. Her eyes however hold a thousand questions that she is holding back. Perhaps she doesn't want to ask them and have to fight it out tonight or perhaps she is torn between needing to know the answers and not wanting to hear them. Either way I am grateful there is no onslaught. Not yet anyway. I know I owe her some explanation though. I have to give her something.

"I have my pHd" I agree; "and yes my name is Delphine Cornier, I work for the DYAD Institute and I was assigned as your monitor when you moved to Minnesota."

I managed to force the words out without looking away from her, hoping that she would be able to look into my eyes and see how sorry I truly am about it all.

"I befriended you and introduced you to the idea of working for the Institute...I did that because I was told too."

Cosima looks at a loss as to where I am going with all of this and in all honesty I have no idea either. The words just keep pouring out. She begins to disengage her hand from mine but I resist and keep my grasp of it.

"Everything else...between us...I did because I wanted to...because I wanted you."

I feel her hand tighten in mine again and she sighs. Her words at the apartment ring through my ears again.

How can I possibly believe that Delphine?

Is that what she is thinking again now? What is she feeling? It's so hard to tell when she is trying to keep her face so blank.

"I still do" I add softly. That is why I am here after all. I had stuck to the safe topic of 'science' when I first arrived but I had not followed her across an international border just to prove my employer was a liar. I had followed her because I couldn't bare the thought of losing her.

I turn to look at her again and find that she is gazing back at me. Her eyes are moist and her lip trembles but she isn't quite crying. She wants to believe be, I can tell, but she is terrified of taking a risk on me again. My words have put too much pressure on her for now so I backtrack slightly.

"I'm not asking for..." I trip over my words again. "I know you may never forgive me. All I am asking is that you let me help you. The rest...I just needed you to know."

Her thumb grazes against my hand and she holds my stare but she remains silent. It feels like I am the only one who has spoken in minutes...maybe I am. Now I have stopped and everything has gone quite I truly understand it when people say that the silence is deafening. I thought it was something I had lost in translation but now I realise I just hadn't experienced it prior to this moment. Please Cosima, speak to me I silently plea.

"I'm so tired Delphine" she finally speaks up. It isn't really on topic but I can see in her eyes and demeanour that it is the truth and not a deflection. She needs rest and time to think and reflect on all of this. I can give her that.

"Then you should sleep mon Cherie" I reply before truly thinking through what I am saying.

I have no right to call her that and I worry she will pull away any second. Instead she strokes her thumb against mine again and sighs. Whatever internal battle she is fighting briefly bubbles to the surface as she looks at me with such confusion and yet such affection at the same time that it makes my chest tighten. I have to look down and away from her because I feel utterly ashamed with myself for making her feel this way. She deserves so much better.

She shifts beside me, removing her hand from mine, and I watch her remove her shoes and kick them under the coffee table with our laptops on. Both machines are still open and Cosima's still displays the dreaded patent encoded into her synthetic DNA. On reading it again I feel like throwing it across the room but instead I resort to closing the laptop over so it is out of sight, even if it can never be out of mind.

Who patents a fucking human being?

"Delphine" her voice breaks me from my reverie and my rising loathing and self pity at the fact I have been working for those same people. I turn to look at her again and am surprised to find that she has moved closer to me again. Her hand reaches up and touches the side of my face lightly. It feels damp and I wonder for the briefest of moments why her hand is wet before realising that it is in fact my cheek that is wet. Silent tears have fell somewhere in-between my fear of her pulling away and my fear for her future and I'd been too distracted to notice.

I smile weakly and run my hand across my cheeks to roughly dry them. I shouldn't be the one crying and I'm terrified she will view them as crocodile tears...as a ruse. Another glance at her alleviated those tears somewhat as her expression was soft and her hand still lingered against my jaw.

"Stay with me?" she suddenly pleaded, catching me off guard. I hadn't intended on leaving her unless physically forced to but I had expected to have to beg and promise to sleep as far away from her as possible. It was such a relief that I could only nod in response. Then she smiled and my heart fluttered. It wasn't the open mouthed toothy smile I had become accustomed too but then there was little to look so overjoyed about. It was a relieved smile but it still seemed to reach her eyes. I on the other hand was smiling so much it made my muscles ache.

Cosima reaches for the fluffy blanket that had been lying over the back of the sofa. I hadn't really considered sleeping arrangements since arriving at the rather quaint apartment but considering their only seems to be one bed and that was the property of the man we appeared to be staying with we are obviously sleeping were we are currently sat. It was unlikely to make for a comfortable night's sleep with the two of us wedged on there but right now I couldn't care less.

I follow Cosima's lead and kick off my shoes just like she had a minute or so before and watch as the brunette removes her glasses and unties her high pony tail. It seems wise to let her direct us and the Cosima does so by kicking her legs up onto the sofa and drawing my legs up with her. I help her organise the covers over us and Cosima manoeuvres along the sofa so that she is lying on her side pressed tightly into mine, with her head upon my shoulder. It was surprisingly comfortable considering the small amount of space we have to work with and I find myself nestling my head against the top of Cosima's and sighing contentedly. In response Cosima's arm creeps across my stomach and grasps my hand in hers, entwining our fingers together again.

"I'm glad you are here" Cosima mumbles quietly into my chest.

I can't help but smile as those five words pretty much mean everything to me right now. Yes it was going to take time and patience and honesty but all this is giving me plenty of hope.