The ending's not very good, but I've never been much cop at those. And the whole thing's a bit rambling and pointless, and it all gets solved much too easily. I just thought that Ron should get the focus for once, since he's always pushed to the side. Anyway read and review please! This is my first fic!
DISCLAIMER: Do we have to do these? I can't think of any comedy disclaimers, so everyone and everything (I think) belongs to JK Rowling.
Harry and Ron dashed into the Potions dungeon slightly behind Hermione, who was fanning herself with her newly-marked Transfiguration homework. It was too hot to be running, thought Harry as he stumbled
through the doorway.
'So glad you could grace us with your presence,' Snape said drily, evoking obedient sniggers from the Slytherins and mutinous frowns from the Gryffindors. 'As I said to your classmates, all of whom managed not to arrive until quite a while after the bell had gone, I will be taking thirty points from Gryffindor. Now sit down. I advise you not to be late in future.'
'It's not fair,' muttered Ron as they took the only available seats, uncomfortably near to Snape's desk. 'Who wrote the schedules for this year? Transfiguration on the top floor – then Potions in the dungeon. And we're only three minutes late…'
'Sssshh!' hissed Hermione. Snape was moving closer to them, tossing pieces of parchment inscribed with recipes rather vehemently onto the tables.
'Today,' he said when he had finished, 'we will be working on Love Potions.' He frowned ominously at the few who dared to giggle. 'It is no laughing matter. These, when taken in large doses, can reduce sensible people into simpering fools within minutes. Why I have been asked to begin the term with them is beyond me. However, I have no choice but to follow instructions. Brew your potions carefully. We will be testing them out at the end of the lesson.' Snape proceeded to issue each table with a small jar of violently fizzing pink liquid.
Harry, Ron and Hermione took the opportunity to work together; they usually had to work in pairs, Hermione often ending up with Neville Longbottom, but apparently Snape's distaste at the subject had led him to forget about separating the pupils.
'Now, this shouldn't be too difficult,' said Hermione bossily, and taking a knife with a tiny blade from the desk, she began chopping a section of laburnum root. 'Harry, you can weigh out the powdered silkmoths. Ron, start shredding the rose petals. As small as possible.'
They got to work. All in all, it was rather pleasant as Potions lessons go. They could work with who they wanted, their love potion would surely be perfect with Hermione there, and the cool air in the dungeon was refreshing after the other boiling classrooms.
The potion didn't take long to prepare, which was a good thing as it took half an hour to brew. They tipped the ingredients into the cauldron, then added pinches of the pink liquid to the bubbling mixture and watched it turn vivid cerise. In any other lesson, this would have left an ideal opportunity to sit and chat, but Potions was a different matter.
'Hurry up,' barked Snape. 'If you haven't got all your ingredients in the cauldron in five minutes, you'll run out of time. Longbottom, get your toad away from those moths or it'll be used in a potion. Very good, Miss Parkinson. Just the right shade of sickening pink there.'
Up in the top corner of the classroom, out of sight of the students and teacher, Peeves the poltergeist was watching mischievously. A plan was brewing in his scheming mind. Thinking how useful invisibility was, he swooped down and picked up a spare wooden goblet, then scooped a fair amount of pink potion from Parvati and Lavender's cauldron. They didn't notice – too busy gossiping, noted Peeves, cackling softly to himself.
That evening, Harry, Ron and Hermione were sitting together in the Great Hall as usual, trying to sound interested in Colin and Dennis Creevey's account of their camping holiday in the New Forest.
'Our little sister Tracey was a bit worried that there'd be bears – she's only three – but we cheered her up by telling her about that time Dennis got put back in the boat by the giant squid. It took her mind off bears for a bit, but she didn't want to go boating the next day.'
'You should have seen us canoeing, Harry, we were great! We only turned over once, and we got back up on our own!'
They had to listen to much of the same before they finally heard Dennis's high-pitched cry of 'The food's here!' They tucked in enthusiastically, not so much from hunger as from a desire not to have to comment on the Creeveys' escapades. Hermione was a bit worried by the rather pink shade of the chicken and mushroom soup, but its delicious taste deferred any anxieties (though Ron still refused to touch it) and they returned to the common room feeling satisfied and full.
The first sign that something was wrong, after Ron said 'collywobbles' and they stepped through the portrait hole, was the sight of George Weasley apparently hiding behind an armchair. At the sight of Harry, Ron and Hermione, he stood up, sighing with relief. 'What's going on?' asked Ron, puzzled.
'It's Parvati Patil,' he explained. 'She started chatting to me at dinner and she hasn't shut up since. I had to convince Nick to tell her the staircase had vanished. That was the only way I could escape.'
'She fancies him,' said Fred bluntly, coming over to greet them.
'What? PARVATI?' Ron was bewildered. 'Isn't she obsessed with that Beauxbatons boy?'
'Ah, well, long-distance relationships never work,' said Fred knowledgeably.
'Shut up,' said George. Suddenly the portrait hole swung open and George ducked behind his chair again. But it was only Neville.
'Has anyone seen Parvati?' he asked shyly, looking around. Something very strange had come over Hermione. Her eyes looked oddly glazed, and she was standing… and then rushing over to Neville.
'What's so special about Parvati all of a sudden?' she said flirtatiously. 'But I'll help you look.' And with that, they left.
'Hold on, Hermione!' shouted Fred, and proceeded to dart out of the room after her. Harry, Ron and George looked at each other, confused. Then George hid again as Angelina Johnson, Katie Bell and Alicia Spinnet entered from behind the portrait.
'Have you seen Fred?' asked Angelina, but the other two were proceeding to the chairs where Harry and Ron sat. Katie perched on the edge of Harry's armchair, while Alicia was crouching down next to Ron. Katie appeared to be grinning inanely, but Harry could only see out of the corner of his eye. He was watching Alicia. He hadn't noticed quite how pretty she was before. He was getting up and going over… Katie was following him, but he wasn't sure why… Alicia was standing up and beaming at Ron, who was looking extremely puzzled.
George was watching, amused, from behind his armchair. The sight of Harry attempting to kiss Alicia on the cheek, while she bent down to ruffle Ron's hair and Katie tugged at Harry's arm, looking sulky, was enough to divert him from Parvati and Lavender's entrance, closely followed by Neville, Hermione, Fred and Dean Thomas. What was going on?
'George!' shrieked Parvati, delighted. George groaned. It was too late to duck now.
'Parvati!' exclaimed Neville, looking horror-struck. 'What about me?'
'Hello, Neville,' said Hermione eagerly, waving in his face and grinning.
'Hi, Hermione,' he replied, before turning back to Parvati, who was at least a head taller than him and was presently pursuing George up the stairs into the seventh-year boys' dormitory. The whole procession vanished upwards, despite George's protests of, 'This is a BOYS' dorm!'
Ron, meanwhile, was muddled and slightly scared by everyone's glassy expressions. Alicia, Harry and Katie were much too close, he thought. It was a bit overwhelming. 'Just going to the toilet,' he said loudly, and practically sprinted through the hole in the wall.
In his haste to reach the end of the corridor, Ron almost knocked over Ginny, who was herself running at top speed. She stepped back and looked fearfully up at him. 'Ron!' she breathed. 'Help me! I'm being chased!'
'By who?' asked Ron, worried.
'Dennis Creevey!'
'DENNIS CREEVEY?' Ron snorted. 'Well, that's scary! Get out of the way, Ginny, any moment now I'll be attacked by mad teenage girls.'
'You don't understand! Something weird's happened to him, he was threatening his brother.' She looked misty-eyed for a moment. 'Colin's really sweet, and Dennis has gone all vicious and violent. Colin had to hide in a suit of armour.'
'Not COLIN,' Ron groaned. 'Honestly, Ginny. Couldn't you have picked someone else?'
'Don't insult Colin!' she shrieked. Ron, realising he wasn't getting anywhere, swept past Ginny and didn't stop until he reached the boys' bathroom on the floor above.
Ron locked himself in a cubicle and sat on the closed toilet seat. What was wrong with everyone? If everyone had to pick today to fall in love, why did they have to pick such odd matches? Ginny and Colin, for goodness' sake. And Hermione had chosen Neville! Neville Longbottom, her complete opposite. For an intelligent girl, Hermione could be very stupid sometimes. Suddenly something dawned on him.
Ron froze momentarily at the sound of the door swinging open. He heard voices – two boys. 'Who's chasing you, then?' asked one. It was George.
'Lavender Brown,' replied Lee Jordan, the twins' friend. 'I wouldn't mind – she's OK-looking, I suppose – but I couldn't have got Angelina, could I?'
'Angelina's after Fred,' George reminded him.
'I know, lucky git. Anyway, when did you last see Parvati?'
Ron chose that moment to show himself.
'All right Ron?'
'George, listen. I think I know why everyone's acting so weird.'
'Well, tell us, then,' said Lee impatiently. 'It's getting on my nerves, man.'
'Did either of you have any of the chicken and mushroom soup for dinner?'
'Nope,' said George. 'Can't stand mushrooms.'
'I'm a vegetarian,' said Lee proudly.
'Neither did I! It looked really dodgy – sort of pink. And we were made a Love Potion today. You can ask any of the others. It was bright pink – just like that.'
'So it just decided to take a little stroll, did it?' George looked sceptical. 'Just thought it'd hop into the soup? 'Think I'll get eaten today, that'll be a laugh'.'
'I dunno,' said Lee. 'Can you come up with anything better?'
Evidently he couldn't, because he frowned, then said, 'On second thoughts, maybe you're right. Still can't figure out how it got into the soup, though.'
After discussing the matter at length, the three of them decided to split up and see whether anyone else remained unaffected. They were to meet in the library half an hour later. Ron, who had been instructed to try the two lower floors first, muttered to himself. Trust George to give him the furthest away parts to search. Before he could dwell on this too long, however, Ron came across Colin and Dennis Creevey. They were rolling about in the second floor corridor, hitting out at each other. Several times they bumped into the walls before Ron could compose himself enough to intervene.
'What are you doing?' he demanded.
Dennis looked up, but didn't release his grip on Colin's hair. 'He was bad-mouthing your sister!'
'Ginny? What's she got to do with this anyway?'
This time it was Colin's turn to reply. His fists flailing in the direction of Dennis's ears, he said 'I only said I thought Katie Bell was much better-looking.'
'Katie's much too old for you!' squeaked Dennis.
'Well, Ginny's about twice your height,' Colin pointed it out. It was true, but he hardly had a right to be saying it, being only about an inch taller than Dennis himself.
Ron plunged in and hauled each boy to their feet by the necks of their robes. 'Stop fighting!' he said, annoyed. 'Don't you understand? You've all taken Love Potion by mistake.'
But the Creeveys were not paying attention. Instead, they were looking horrified at something behind Ron. He spun around and suppressed a groan.
Snape always chose the worst moments to turn up. He was sweeping along the corridor, grotty navy robes swirling behind him, bellowing, 'Weasley!'
'Yes, Professor Snape.'
'I see you have resorted to violence against students much smaller than yourself,' Snape sneered. 'Bullying will not be tolerated in this school. Twenty points from Gryffindor.'
Ron waited, hoping that Colin or Dennis would jump in to clear his name at that point, but both looked frozen with terror. Reluctantly, Ron let go of them and hurried off before Snape could accuse him of violence against the floorboards.
Twenty minutes and numerous besotted Gryffindors later, Ron reached his final destination – the common room. Before he even entered, he could hear shouting coming from inside. Stepping through the portrait hole, he saw Hermione and Parvati Patil standing in the middle of the room. A stack of books had fallen at Hermione's feet, and Parvati's hat was askew.
'I don't know what Neville sees in you!' Hermione yelled.
'I don't even like Neville!' bellowed Parvati. Neville looked quite hurt.
'Don't bother lying to me!'
'Why would I lie? There's only one boy that matters to me. George Weasley.'
'Leave him out of this!' And Hermione, much to everyone's shock, seized Neville, bent down slightly and gave him a big kiss. He turned bright red.
Ron was so stunned he almost didn't see Alicia Spinnet, part of the audience on the other side of the argument. She had spotted him, and was rapidly approaching, looking quite frightening… followed by Harry.
'What d'you want with him, Alicia?' Harry asked in a strangely whiny voice.
She appeared not to have heard. 'Ron!' she shrieked, arms outstretched. But Harry got there first. 'Are you trying to steal my girlfriend?' he yelled.
'WHAT?' Ron spluttered, still watching Hermione out of the corner of his eye.
'You heard,' said Harry roughly, and shoved Ron hard in the shoulder. Ron staggered backwards a few steps, taken aback. 'Alicia's mine.'
'Alicia is not yours. You've all drunk Love Potion!' He shouted the last part to the whole room, but no one was paying attention.
Harry's eyes blazed. 'You stay away from her!'
Ron, before he could get out his indignant reply, was grabbed and steered away. Looking up, he saw Lee Jordan. 'This is trouble,' said the tall black boy. 'We'd better find George.'
They did so, meeting in the library. Lee updated George on what they'd witnessed. George informed them that Fred and Seamus had been fighting over Angelina, and Ron complained about Hermione kissing Neville. 'She'd never do that normally.'
'Sure you didn't have any of that soup?' chuckled Lee after the first five minutes of Ron's rant.
They searched through books in the library, but came across nothing to help combat a Love Potion. There were a lot of different recipes for it, and many variations (such as 'Make your Enemies Fall in Love with Themselves') but no antidote. 'You know what we're going to have to do,' said George heavily. 'Ask Snape.'
They nominated Lee to do the asking, as he had got in the least trouble with this particular teacher. Still, though, he was by no means a model student, and Ron was not at all sure that Snape would help them.
'I knew that this would cause nothing but trouble,' spat Snape, after the situation had been explained. This was a promising start – at least he wasn't having a go at them. 'But why should I help you?' Less promising.
'How long does a Love Potion take to wear off?' Lee asked tentatively.
'Twelve to fourteen days,' Snape said, smiling wryly. 'So, technically, you don't need the antidote. It will sort itself out in time. And it would take a considerable amount of my spare time.'
'Can't you give us the recipe? We could make the antidote ourselves,' Ron said desperately.
'Let you loose in my classroom? I don't think so. And I very much doubt that three ignoramuses such as yourselves could produce an effective potion anyway. No, I think that it is my… responsibility…' Snape smiled cruelly, and Ron's spirits dropped. Snape would think he was owed something now. 'It will be ready in two hours. Come and collect the potion at half past nine sharp. And do not be late. I will not be making a second.'
Ron, George and Lee went back to the library – still free from impassioned students – to discuss the second matter – how the potion had got into the soup in the first place. 'I suppose we could ask the kitchen elves,' suggested Ron. He was quite friendly with one of them. Dobby was an elf who had been freed from his cruel masters – the Malfoys – by Harry in their second year. No one could think of another way of finding out, so they went down to the kitchens.
The house-elves looked very busy, even though the enormous and numerous washing-up bowls filled with sparkling white foam each had several cloths and scourers operating unaided above them. The odd-looking little people were shuffling hurriedly here and there, carrying stacks of plates and cups. One elf appeared already to have started preparing tomorrow's breakfast, for two pans full of speckled brown eggs were sitting on a cream-coloured work surface, and the aforementioned elf was scrutinising each one carefully. Ron was not sure quite why washing up was needed, because as soon as dishes were finished, they magically became clean when they were still at the table.
As usual, the house-elves were quite willing to provide them with information, and food, too. George obligingly ate several miniature chocolate gateaux and a slice of apple pie. Before they had even started looking, Dobby approached Ron looking awestruck.
'It is Harry Potter's Wheezy!' uttered the house-elf breathily.
'Weasley,' Ron corrected as George and Lee sniggered. 'Ron Weasley.'
'Dobby is grateful that you would bring yourself to visit his humble dwelling, sir. And you has brought your friends also, sir! What can Dobby do for you?'
'Did you see the chicken and mushroom soup at dinner last night?'
'Yes, Dobby saw it. Why?' He looked anxious. 'Did Ron Wheezy find it not to be up to standards?'
'No, no, it was fine. The thing is, we think someone might have added something to it. Do you know if that could have happened? Did you see anyone near the food?'
'No, no,' said Dobby worriedly. 'Dobby was not in here at dinnertime yesterday, you see. Dobby was cleaning in the corridor outside.' He scowled. 'That naughty ghost had been stealing things from the kitchen and spilling them on the floor.'
'He must mean Peeves,' muttered George.
'Well, thanks, Dobby,' said Ron, his heart sinking. 'See you!'
'Goodbye, Ron Wheezy,' said Dobby, accompanying them to the door. 'Dobby is glad to have helped.'
As they left, Ron heard a couple of other house-elves talking. 'How can Peeves have got into the kitchens?' wondered one.
'Tilly does not know,' said the other. 'Albus Dumbledore is a kind man, and an honest man and a great man, but Tilly does not know why he allows poltergeists to live in the castle. Tilly knows that he will not let it happen again.'
A few seconds later, just after they had left the kitchens, Ron straightened up so abruptly that he struck his head on the low stone ceiling of the corridor. 'PEEVES!'
'Where?' Lee asked, twitching around.
'No, he's not HERE,' said Ron. 'But he was in the kitchens yesterday. He'd probably think it was really funny, getting us all into trouble. It must have been him that put the Love Potion in the soup!'
'Sounds like the sort of thing Peeves'd do,' said George darkly. 'But how did he get into the Potions classroom?'
'It isn't hard,' said Lee fairly. 'He's always hanging around in the other classrooms. There's no reason he couldn't have got into that one.'
'But how can we prove it?' said George.
'We've got to find him.'
It didn't take long to find Peeves. Once they'd found a sign of vandalism, they just followed the trail. Chalked-upon walls, smashed pots, annoyed-looking portraits and what appeared to be cake crumbs led them to the trophy room, where the poltergeist was singing the school song at the top of his voice, with rather disrespectful alterations.
'Peeves!' shouted Ron.
'What?' said Peeves suspiciously. Then he broke into a big grin, swept over and ruffled Ron's hair annoyingly.
'He's in a good mood,' Ron heard George hiss to Lee behind him.
Ron realised with dismay that he had not planned beyond finding Peeves. 'Er – do you know anything about a Love Potion?'
'Might do,' said Peeves mysteriously.
'Does the Bloody Baron know about it?' put in Lee with a sudden stroke of genius.
'Of course he does,' said the poltergeist quickly, but he was looking very shifty and they could all tell he wasn't telling the truth.
'Oh, OK. We'll just go and ask him then.' Ron turned to go, as did George and Lee.
'Wait!' Peeves, to Ron's delight, looked nervous and sheepish. 'What do you want?'
'Tell us exactly what you did.'
He proceeded to do so. There wasn't much that Ron didn't know already. Peeves had taken an opportunity to steal some potion from Lavender and Parvati's cauldron, then seen a perfect chance to add it to the Gryffindors' starter after wreaking havoc in the kitchen. Dobby had opened the door to come out and clear up the mess, and Peeves had floated in and spiked the first dish he saw. But something wasn't clear to Ron.
'How come everyone fell for different people? Wouldn't Love Potion work a lot better if people fell in love with EACH OTHER?'
'Don't know,' said Peeves sulkily. 'You finished yet?'
'Yes, thanks.' The three boys left. Two steps away from the door, Ron turned and shouted, 'EXPELLIARMUS!'
Peeves had been loosening the bolts on a chandelier. With an almighty crash, it fell to the ground. Peeves swore loudly as Filch, the caretaker, rushed into the room, shouting triumphantly at the ghost. 'Good job I spotted him before he could catch us,' said Ron happily.
But their high spirits didn't last for long. They had five minutes to get to the dungeons and retrieve the antidote from Snape.
Out of breath and exhausted, the three boys arrived at Snape's door one minute early. It swung open to reveal Snape, glaring at them. 'I have your antidote,' he said, thrusting a small stoppered bottle of dark blue liquid into Ron's hand. 'Now go away.'
'One more thing, Professor,' said George hesitantly. 'How does the potion choose who you fall in love with?'
'It doesn't CHOOSE,' said Snape. 'Potions are potions, Weasley, not living beings. However, sometimes I think that they are more intelligent than you. The person it directs you to is the first person you set eyes on when it begins to take effect. Now leave me.'
They did so. 'He was hoping we'd be late,' gloated Lee, grinning. 'But it was a bit of a boring solution, wasn't it? I was hoping he'd tell us it was the person you were truly destined to be with, or something dramatic like that. I could really have teased Fred about Hermione.'
Ron frowned. What was wrong with Hermione? He disagreed with Lee anyway, thinking of Hermione and Neville.
After another quick detour to the kitchens, Ron, Lee and George returned to the Gryffindor common room armed with a tray of glasses of suspiciously blue-tinged orange juice. They set it down on a low table, unnoticed by the large group of Gryffindors who were having a big fight, then retired to the seventh-year boys' dorm. It was empty. When the noise outside had died down a bit, Ron left George and Lee and carefully crept to his own bedroom. On the way, he noted that several glasses of orange juice were empty, and most of the others were only half-full. The last remaining full glass was held in Hermione's hand, and Ron hung around for a moment, just to make sure she drank it.
As he lay later on his four-poster bed, listening to Neville's snores, he sighed to himself. It had been a long evening.
My computer wanted to change 'Creevey' to 'Creepy' and 'Creeveys' to… wait for it… cervix! (Cue childish sniggering.)
That's it for now – not particularly good, I know, but it's my first attempt so be nice! ;-) I'm presently working on a much longer piece (with CHAPTERS, ladies and gentlemen!) which should be up soon.