Face of Failure
By: Song
Summary: Jiraiya wants it all to go away. One-sided JirTsu
Disclaimer: If I did, well... 'Naruto' wouldn't be child appropriate anymore ;) lets just leave it at that. And No, I don't own 'Go Away' that right belongs to SR71. Wish I did, but I don't.
A/U: I wrote another het pairing? Something is seriously wrong here. This is also a whole hell of a lot longer than I intended. I've been working on it for around a month and a half, and the idea hit me over three months ago... so I'ld appreciated it if you would review.
Jiraiya hated reflective things. He abhorred, despised, loathed his reflection.
All he ever saw in them was failure. The big, ugly, distorted face of failure.
His own face.
It had all started so long ago. He was young, stupid, lonely... The first day at the ninja academy, not a month after his parents had been killed... what a day.
Once inside the door I check my face in the mirror,
He had walked into the classroom, sitting in the corner as far away from the other students as he could. They were sitting together, one with honey blond hair tied in to pigtails, the other with midnight black draping her slim figure. Both were talking animatedly, bickering back and forth like old friends.
As I look past this lonely minute,
Which they probably were anyway. Jiraiya had sighed at that point. He remembered thinking how he hated being different, as the class slowly drifted in.
Is this the ride worth waiting for,
Everyone was introduced, name and something about themselves.
The blond girl went right before him."My names Tsunade, I like slugs and healing jutsu!" She bowed, grinning, before sitting down.
I'm scared to death that now I've missed it.
When it was his turn, he looked into the honey blond's eyes and falling for her, then and there.
"My name's Jiraiya and I'm going to be the best ninja ever!"he boasted, attempting to impress her.
But she was not the only stone,
The class was silent, before erupting in laughter. The girl named Tsunade pointed at his large frame, laughing savagely. "You can never be a ninja! Look at yourself, you big oaf!"
Skipped across this gravel road,
Jiraiya flinched away from the cruel comment, and the class giggled.
leading down the path of loneliness,
Tears prickled his eyes. "Yes I can! Everyone in my family has been a ninja, my parents, their parents, and their parents! I even know a high rank summoning jutsu!" he countered.
So I'll fly from this hate,
"Uh-huh. Suuuuuure. If its such a high ranking jutsu, then lets see it Oh great ninja!" she mocked.
pray my soul the lord will take me,
Boar-Dog-Bird-Monkey-Ram...
To a place through time and indifference,
Please, please, please work... Jiraiya went though the hand seals one by one, careful to make sure that each one was perfect. "Kuchiyose no Jutsu!"
He slammed his hands to the ground, a puff of smoke- a wriggling tadpole appeared.
They laughed.
I wanna know how do you feel,
"So!? I bet none of you can do any high class jutsu! Especially stupid girls!" he spat back.
I wanna know if this was real,
She smirked, going through the hand seals, smashing her hands onto the desk. "Kuchiyose no Jutsu!"
A puff of smoke dissipated, revealing a cat sized slug.
"Ohiyo Tsunade-chan! What do you need?" the slug asked
"Not much Katsuyu-chan. I just wanted to show everyone how awesome you are!" Tsunade smiled.
"Hai Tsunade-chan! The slug posed, before bowing and poofing back into her own plane.
So tell me what would you say,
The blood drained from his face and an angry tear leaked down his cheek. "Yeah, well, I bet none of your family are heros!"
If you can make this pain go away...
Tsunade had writhed with mirth. "Do you have any idea who I am, baka? I'm Shodaime's granddaughter. As in the Hokage's heir."
He opened his mouth to speak again, defending what little pride his name still had, but academy teacher cut him off. "Jiraiya, why don't you just go sit down..."
The boy in the memory hung his head. Never be a ninja... big oaf... baka...
She plans her future looking bright ahead,
On the day he had graduated the academy- after failing twice- was a dream come true.Then he learned who his team would be.
Tsunade and the long haired 'girl'- rookie of the year, Orochimaru.
Leaves me in the past.
And him. The dead last, dumb, outcast, oaf, misfit, useless, clumsy, blubbering, fool; 'The gallent Jiraiya'
Ha, What a laugh.
I can't stand to hang out with my co-dependent friends
Gallant: Brave, heroic, fearless, dignified, noble... the list of lies go on.
My patience fading fast,
How could he be brave, when he was tied to a log- and left there? Or heroic, when he always let better people sacrifice themselves, when someone expendable (him) could do the same?
But every sign and every song,
How could he have honor, if he deserted mere children, alone and distraught with the grit and grime of war... when they needed him most?
is telling me I don't belong,
Even if it wasn't his place to care for them?
But it's okay to feel scared,
Well, he had a duty, here and now, to Tsunade, as fellow shinobi, a teammate, and most importantly a friend. Hopefully a potential lover... and maybe spouse.
'Cause one day soon I'll find myself,
He found her with the first of many glasses of questionable origin scattered about her. "Ano, Tsunade? Willyougoonadatewithme?"
and realize that no one else,
She spent a moment contemplating (or, perhaps just unscrambling his boggled words) what he said and his hopes soared- before she laughed bitterly. "You? You, with me. As in 'together' Ha! That'll be the day the Orochi-chan goes Missing-nin!" She spat in disgust. "My lover and family just died, and you, a useless pervert have the gal to ask me out? Don't get me wrong Jiraiya, I stand you, but your only my teammate. I'll never see you as anything more."Her words were slurred with sake, or maybe rage.
Will make me feel stupid!
She vanished being replaced with swirling chakra smoke, leaving a trodden toad sage in her wake. "Flat chested bitch... see if I ever do anything for you again..." he trailed off, turning dejectedly back to his deserted apartment.
I wanna know how do you feel,
'Are you really so disgusted by me as to destroy what little pride and hope I had left?' He shook his head, attempting to rid it of the depressing thoughts. Who was he to believe wishful thinking. It was as it was, wishful thinking. A fantasy, a daydream, an illusion where the world was not quite so cruel.
I wanna know if this was real,
And then Orochimaru left. She had come to him, wanting a warm body and comforting words. And she knew, despite her dazed stupor that Jiraiya would always care for her, and give her anything that he could.
So tell me what would you say,
He should have realized then that she was drunk. Tsunade would never, ever, even if they were the last people on earth and needed to repopulate the planet,ever, sleep with him.
She though he was disgusting, repulsive and utterly useless.
If you can make this pain go away...
It was great while it lasted, her warm body seemed to fit... as if it had been built to be curled in, next to his. He had laid there for hours, silently stroking her hair, smiling in content. He had the woman of his dreams in here, his arms after years of lusting after her. He loved the way she smiled, the way she laughed (often at his own expense, but it was worth it), even the way she'ld lecture or beat him after she caught him spying at the bath house. She was absolutely perfect- and over the years he only fell deeper in love. She had never looked more beautiful then when her naked body was wrapped tight in his arms than at this single moment in time. When she accepted him, giggling madly and dragging him to the bed room after a few (twelve) cups of sake.
Tenderly he took the blanket pulling it over her soft form. She smiled slightly, curling further into his body. He had found his place in the world, next to her.
And life was good.
There's this old man down in Fell's Point,
The next morning came all to soon. Cold light touched his skin causing him to shiver. Blindly feeling for his love, realization hit him. "Hime? Tsunade-hime?" He felt around for her
She was gone.
Always hanging around,
He had wanted to go to sensei, ask him for guidance, hope, a safe place, but he couldn't.
Telling me, "Son, the pendulum swings both ways,
If Sarutobi-sensei had cared more, he might have.
But for you, It'll always swing down!"
If he had worked harder, trained more, he might have. But no, Orochimaru and Tsunade were the important students, he was the cast off. In any other team, he would be the prodigee for his determination, but fate had her way of rubbing dreams in the dirt beneath her feet.
I wanna know, maybe I know
Hand clenching bitter air, an angry tear threatened to break away from his eye.
how do you feel
Hokage-sama needed to be informed of the development.
I wanna know, no, no,
Dressing in the cloths that they had shed the night before, he left.
Life was cruel.
if this was real!
And now, so many years later, the situation was the so similar, it hurt.
The irony of it all was almost funny. The rolls had changed, he would be leaving, and she would be unable to follow.
I wanna know how do you feel,
"Just, don't die... please." A tear rolled off her face onto her breast staining the green robes.
He smiled masking emotions.
we all wanna know,
They both knew that this was a suicide mission.
I wanna know,
Peering into her soul one last time, he kissed her on the cheek as a final 'good bye'.
you gotta tell me if this was real!
And now, that last memory of her was the only thought that filled his mind. Her longing gaze as he walked away to his next and final chapter in life was forever seared in his soul.
don't tell me what would you would say,
Jiraiya had possessed Konoha's will of fire to the very end. The very, very, stupid, embarrassing, disappointing, shameful end.
what you would say,
He wasn't supposed to die like this. He was supposed die gallantly, falling gracefully to a death for the greater good. He was supposed to softly speak his undying love for Tsunade, before his eyes glazed over while his limp body was being hugged to her voluptuous breast. He was supposed to be a hero, remembered as one of the great shinobi- like Minato or Sarutobi-sensei.
He was supposed be more than this dammit!
Not a coward who died like a flailing bird sinking to the bottom of a confounded river.
what you would say,
Tsunade would hate him for not coming back.
He had finally become something closer than a teammate, maybe... maybe even a friend? And he had come up short, again.
Jiraiya grimaced, inhaling more water as the light faded above him.
So much for promises.
if you can't make this pain go away.
Maybe this was for the better. What had he accomplished in life anyway? Writing a book? Spying on girls? Letting his student and sensei be killed- when he could have prevented both? Abandoning mere children when they needed him most? Watching as his best friend was swallowed by darkness? Allowing the love of his life to slip through his fingers?
Who was he now but a failure, killed by his own student?
What was life, if everything that ever was... never was?
Nothing.
Fin