This is an attempt at a stream of consciousness piece featuring Alec. Post City of Glass. Spoiler ahead. The title is taken from Dylan Thomas's poem "A process in the Weather of the Heart" I usually rate everything teen, but I don't think I can get away with that with my language.
And the heart gives up its dead.
Isabelle reads magazines with pictures of perfect women on the cover and tips about how to get boys scattered across all the glossy pages. He sneers at them and asks her why she reads that filth, but sometimes when it's just the two of them she hands him a magazine and he scans over it as she paints her nails. Alec feels a little normal in those moments, like he and Isabelle are just two teenagers in New York sharing a quiet afternoon. Those moments never last though, and the only thing that has ever stuck from those magazine was some article about fighting.
It said: it's not what you're fighting about that matters, it's how you're fighting.
Their first fight is over something so small he can't even remember what it is now. Maybe it was whether they should go out to eat or order in. Maybe it was about watching a movie. Whatever it is, it isn't a big deal. It doesn't matter, but it starts a fight anyway. He raises his voice; Magnus's hands crackle with blue fire. When they realize what they are doing Magnus just laughs and he, well, he looks down at his feet and almost smiles.
The fourth one is right after Magnus sends off his sister and brother and his brother's new sister and that damn mundie to the Seelie court. Alec raises his voice to scream about duty and responsibility, and Magnus pins him down on the antique wing-backed chair (that's probably seven or eight times older than he is) and kisses him so hard that he forgets what he was talking about and lets Magnus start to undo the zipper of his jeans. He throws his head back and struggles to breathe.
The seventh one is about when Chairman Meow should be fed. He yells loudly enough for the neighbors to hear and Magnus accidentally makes Alec's favorite plate explode. When Alec moves to start cleaning up the porcelain fragments, Magnus gets more upset and accuses him of acting like Jace. Alec screams about how that isn't even relevant, and Magnus says something about it being everything.
Alec doesn't even know what Magnus is talking about.
It's not what you're fighting about, the magazine said, it's how you're fighting.
Because you're never fighting about what you say you are.
So, maybe that's it. Magnus is fighting with Alec's past and Alec is fighting with his own uncertain future (can he really tell his sister? His brothers? His parents? Is he ready for this? Does he even like Magnus? Could he maybe love him one day? ) The thought makes the breath catch in his throat and his palms sweat.
Then there is the break-up and that, well, that isn't even a fight. Magnus just shakes his head and walks away. And Alec? Well, he calls and he calls and he calls and Magnus never picks up. Never calls him back.
Then things get better, then they get so so so much worse and he stands in white all day and feels naked and hollow and just wants to tear a demon in half with his bare hands, because at least he'll feel something. And it's like this, okay? The end of the world is coming soon, right? So he just gives it all up and gives in because there is no way he can hurt anymore than he does now.
Isabelle reads magazines with pictures of perfect women on the cover and tips about how to get boys scattered across all the glossy pages. He lies on her bed, which is covered with discarded clean clothing that hadn't made the cut today, and stares up at her ceiling. She has her head on his stomach. They're both thinking about him, whether they admit it or not.
Are you okay? she asks and he shrugs because he's never okay anymore. He hasn't been since Idris. Neither has she, even if she doesn't show it.
She hits him in the head with her magazine and he doesn't really react, just grabs it from her so she won't hit him again.
Are you and Magnus okay? she asks and he shrugs because hell if he knows.
You're being awfully quiet, more so than usual, she says and he shrugs because maybe he is, maybe he isn't, maybe it doesn't matter. (And maybe he doesn't give a fuck.)
Communication is key in a relationship, you know. He picks up the magazine and thinks about hitting her. It is open to a page about how to wear the right eyeliner to get him to notice you.
You should call him, she says and he shrugs because fuck it, why not? Worst thing that can happen is he doesn't answer. And he's already been through that, hasn't he?
He does, though. And Alec comes over and they stare at each other for a long time over coffee until they both give up and sit on the couch together and don't say anything until they have watched all of some season of Project Runway. When Magnus is doing an impression of the old gray-haired man that keeps telling everyone to make it work and just generally acting like there is absolutely nothing wrong Alec gets so angry he starts yelling.
They fight, to borrow a phrase: tooth and nail. Like cats a dogs. They fight and Alec does everything he can to tear Magnus apart.
It's not what you're fighting about, it's how you're fighting. Because you're never fighting about what you say you are.
He doesn't even know what they fight about anymore. They just do.
Alec can't sleep at night anymore, not since Idris, and sometimes he just stares at the ceiling until the clock reads three or four and he gives up and starts to wander around the Institute until he stops in front of Max's room and his chest hurts so much that he goes out and kills some demons by himself(which is dumb and dangerous, he knows, but he can't make himself give a damn).
Then he goes to Magnus's doorstep and stares at the nameplate with his hands in his pockets until the door buzzes open by itself and he walks up the stairs trailing ichor and his own blood behind him.
The door is always open and Magnus is always leaning against the frame looking oh so very tired and he just frowns at him. And Alec tells him to fuck off before he even says anything.
He doesn't know what he's fighting about anymore. He just is.
Magnus keeps frowning, because what else can he do? Alec comes inside(and his eyes are so empty that it kills Magnus a little bit every time).
Tonight, he helps Alec take off his sweater and clean out some of the cuts. There is a nasty looking one on his side and Magnus tries to heal it, but Alec won't let him. He pushes Magnus's hands away, but it doesn't have much force behind it.
I'll heal like a mundane, he says.
They fight again and Alec can not stand that fucking pitying look that Magnus keeps giving him. He hates that Magnus keeps looking at him like he's fucking broken or something, so he gets off the couch, and it doesn't matter that he hasn't eaten in days and that he's still bleeding and the only thing he's wearing are jeans covered in demon blood (because every demon out there should bleed and bleed and bleed 'till they're all dead and gone and back in hell and they should be the ones to burn, because demons deserve to burn, not little boys who are still so small they have to stand on their tiptoes to reach the sink).
Alec, stop. Magnus says and Alec doesn't want to stop because stopping means thinking and thinking means hurting.
And he doesn't want to hurt anymore.
So, he just keeps screaming and screaming because it's so much better than crying and Magnus just doesn't understand; he never will. And maybe he's selfish for saying it, because Magnus is an orphan with a burned father and a strangled mother, but that was eight hundred years ago and he has seen people come and go so much he can't possibly understand what it feels like anymore.
Magnus grabs on to his arm and Alec pushes him off, because he needs to keep moving, keep busy, keep fighting until he's burning on a pyre like Max.
He laughs then. He laughs so hard because he's thinking about Magnus standing there at his own funeral and he can't even imagine Magnus wearing all white. Not that it matters of course, not that they'll make it that far. 'till death do they part would be rather one-sided.
Christ, Magnus breathes and he grabs at him again. Stop it, Alec. Stop it.
But, he can't stop. And he keeps laughing, at least he thinks he is still laughing, but Magnus is looking at him like he's broken and crazy. And his cheeks feel wet and his throat is tight and his eyes are burning, but he keeps laughing.
Magnus can't understand, but Alec, Alec had Max and he was supposed to protect him. It was his job. He was his big brother and it isn't fair because brothers aren't supposed to die when they're too young to even see PG-13 movies. They're supposed to grow up with you, and yeah, fine, he gets it. He is a Shadow Hunter, a Nephilim, destined to fight demons and die young…
But not that young.
He keeps laughing, because he needs to do something. Keep busy, keep moving, keep fighting, keep something.
Alec, Magnus says, and there's that look again and Alec can't stand it so he stops laughing, or maybe he yells through the laughter, and he tells him to shutthehellup and to stoplookingatmelikethat.
And he just keeps yelling, because what else is he supposed to do?
What else is there left to fight for?