Mud Pie
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Title: Muds Pie
Authors: Hex & Enigma O
Rating: PG-13 For Language and needless violence.
Disclaimer: We do not own X-Men they belong to Stan-Lee and Marvel.
The first thing you should be aware of is that this story was written over the phone. A phone which kept making a noise that sounded like little green men trying to contact us (quite likely) and then failing.
The second thing you should be aware of is that we are completely and utterly insane.
The third thing that we should have been aware of is that it was peak rate!
This is a badly written piece of insanity. We do like the X-Men. Honest!!!
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The shadowed figure crouched in the bushes. She shifted her weight and narrowed her eyes. Her ammo lay around her, stacked and ready to go. Dark, shadowed green eyes watched the figures moving slowly closer. The figure closest to her, pulled the lapel of his long brown coat out of the way and a small glow began to emit from the object in his hand.
She moved slowly and silently, picking up one of her projectiles, taking care not to make a sound. She drew back, braced one hand on the ground and jumped.
The Mud Pie sailed through the air like a piece of deadly dog shit. Wolverine never stood a chance.
Gambit's raucous laughter echoed through the danger room. Wolverine hit him.
Rogue launched herself up out of the way as the monster from the blue lagoon a.k.a Wolverine tried to grab her legs.
Laughing, she swooped down to pick up her 'dead' teammate, Cyclopes. Unfortunately, Wolverine had thrown a mud pie at him. Even worse, Wolverine's pies contained stones, at least when aimed at Scott, and he had very good aim. Right between the eyes.
Above them, floated Storm, who was playing the part of arms dealer, i.e. making the mud while trying *not* to become a walking column of the stuff.
Jean sat on a rock, impatiently filing her nails while she waited for Beast to get the mud at the exact consistency to hold together perfectly yet splatter with maximum effect.
Up in the control box, Professor Xavier wiped the mud out of his eyes. Behind him stood a hysterical Night Crawler who had been sent on a recon mission by fellow team mate Jubilee to 'pie the Prof'.
Far below, Wolverine staggered around, still trying to remove the mud from his eyes. His partner Gambit, held onto his arm, a delighted grin on his face as he led Wolverine into various rocks, trees, bushes and ponds. He knew he would pay for it later but right now he didn't care!
The French git was startled when a mud pie hit him square in the back of the head, thrown vengefully by a mud coated Jubilee. Angrily he muttered 'enough is enough' abandoned Wolverine to fend for himself and disappeared behind a rock to start work on a 'secret project'.
On the other side of the room, Jean was now strangling the Beast trying to prevent him from adding something green and glowing to the pies. She was sure it was radio active and far to dangerous for this particular exercise.
Rogue and Cyclopes crouched behind a rock. Scott was whining incessantly about the large bump on his forehead. Annoyed, Rogue shoved a large mud pie in his over sized gob before wandering off to find her next victim.
Above the fighting, chaos and carnage hovered Storm. One hand was outstretched to create rain to make mud. In the other hand she held a book.
Jubilee and Night Crawler ran frantically, trying to dodge the barrage of sharp projectiles now emerging from the walls of the Danger room. Diving behind a large rock they peered cautiously over the top to give the traditional one fingered salute to the window of the Control Box. They were rewarded with an onslaught of mental swear words.
Wolverine growled and tried to pull his claws out of the tree. He had *thought* it was Gambit. Finally removing his claws, he tottered off, trying to sense his target. Not easy with a nose full of mud.
A few feet away, Jean was using her powers to throw glowing green mud pies which had a tendency to home in on their targets. Cyclopes was running around, waving his hands above his head screaming:
"No. No. Get them away from me! They're aliens"
Behind him Jean shouted: "Hah this is for forgetting our anniversary."
Still floating serenely above the chaos, Storm didn't notice Rogue creep up behind her until the book suddenly got a strange brown motif on the page.
The bolder Jubilee and Night Crawler were hiding behind had been blown to bits by laser, so Jubilee had Night Crawler transport her to the Control box so she could deal with Xavier personally. Having blinding him with a few well placed Paths, she took him down into the Danger Room and left him at the mercy of Wolverine, covering him with one of Scott's coats to fool Wolverine's sense of smell which was on the blink anyway.
A few meters away the Beast crouched. In his hand he held a thick wire brush and was making a valiant attempt at removing the bugs from his fur. Then placing them in jars to be studied later.
Cyclopes was still running round with his arms in the air screaming like a pansy when he was distracted by a Rogue shaped icicle hitting in on the back of the head.
Xavier's hover chair was no longer hovering having been completely gutted by Wolverine. In a desperate attempt to save his life, Professor Xavier flung himself on Wolverine's back.
Behind a group of rocks sat Jubilee and Night Crawler around a small fire. They had fashioned a couple of clubs from some near by trees and were currently working on the war paint.
In a secluded corner skipped Jean, a dazed expression on her face as she picked flowers. The Beast sat a few feet away, completely covered in daisy chains, wondering weather or not Jean had eaten some of that green gloop.
Wolverine yelped as he lay helplessly on the floor. Xavier sat calmly on his back, pulling Wolverine's leg up to about ear level happily demanding he cry mercy.
A sudden explosion drew everyone's attention as mud flew in all directions. Gambit's secret project had been completed. He had charged a giant mud pie with energy and it had promptly exploded, caking the entire room and it's occupants in sticky brown ooze. The electronics fizzled and failed as the simulation faded leaving only some rather dishevelled X-Men laying across the floor and one floating smugly near the ceiling.
Jubilee, who had a clear view of what Xavier had done to a crying Wolverine, promptly ran from the room followed closely by Night Crawler.
Still smiling with a dazed expression, Jean slung Scott over her shoulder, carried him out of the room and attempted to plant him in a near by flower bed.
Sighing at the devastation at the devastation he would soon have to fix, the Beast picked up the Rogue popsical and carried her out.
Sighing, Storm floated down and picked a grinning Xavier off of a bawling Wolverine. Carrying Xavier, who had a child-like grin on his face, out of the room.
Finally scraping the caked mud from his eyes, Wolverine turned to see Gambit. Looking desperately around him for an escape route, the red eyed Cajun legged it towards the door. Unfortunately, Wolverine was faster.
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It is finished! The insanity is over! WAHOO!!!!!!!
Did ya like it? Did ya hate it? Did ya even read it?
We just want to remind you that we *are* X-Men fans. We were just feeling a little wacky! Please be a responsible reader and write a review!
Chow! (Hehehehehehehe)
Enigma O & Hex