Breaking the Silence
Bethany has never thought that one day she would return to Ferelden and not in her wildest dreams as a Grey Warden. She watched the city of Amaranthine looming up in the fog as they entered the sea gorge. She has almost forgotten how unwelcoming and rough Ferelden is and still her heart wrenched as she sniffed that familiar scent of wet earth and the fishy smell of the approaching harbor. Kirkwall was so different, had always smoky scent, even in the Hightown and she just realized how much she missed this smell what everybody would call stink, she called it home. She was home again.
She was still dizzy because of her Joining but she lived. The taint boiled her blood, gave her terrifying visions. Stroud said to her that it didn't cure her, just prolonged her life. It just bought her time. And yet in that royal blue and silver uniform approaching the familiar coasts it felt she belongs to somewhere. Of course, she had a family, a loving mother and a sister, but still she never found her place in Kirkwall. Her days spent in the shadow of her sister and the constant hiding from the always eager templars.
Now she was free and still trapped. She was free from the Circle and trapped in a new life, a very long dying.
They reached the harbor and she saw the flying gulls and the departing and arriving ships and soon the prow banged to the prier and the sailors moored it. Bethany took her steps to the solid ground. Strangely she didn't have sea sickness, but as soon as she took her feet on the prier, nausea increased in her. Suddenly it seemed too real. She was a Grey Warden. It was final and irrevocable.
Another Warden waited for her. A tall, handsome man, standing proudly in his uniform, his bow and a quiver of arrows attached to his back. His long hair framed his stern-looking face as he surveyed her. Bethany walked to him, not knowing what she was supposed to do. When Stroud put her on the ship said nothing more that he had sent a message to Vigil's Keep to her new station. He said nothing more.
As she reached the young man she clumsily tried to stand in attention and salute, making him chuckle in low and velvety voice.
"Welcome to Amaranthine, Warden Hawke." he greeted her. "I'm Nathaniel Howe, the second-in-command at Vigil's Keep." Bethany tried to response, but nothing came out from her mouth just a pathetic whimper. She was frightened and lost and as the other Warden ran his strict brown eyes through her, she felt herself like a little girl before her tutor. Howe waited patiently with a statuesque face, but Bethany couldn't say anything. She was sure that her sister would have already twisted this stern Warden around her little finger, but they were barely common in anything.
Maybe because everybody loved her sister, she was their father's little sweetheart, and she could do nothing to earn his appreciation. There was always Marian to who her father always referred.
Why you can't be as good as Marian? His eyes always asked when she tried a new spell and failed.
"Did you have a pleasant journey?" he asked. Bethany opened her mouth tried to answer but no voice came out and she felt the red shame flushing to her cheeks for being so damn miserable to not capable of answering a single question. She just nodded and cursed herself. It was her chance being different, being Bethany Hawke, not just another Hawke-girl and she missed it.
The Warden hummed. "We should head to Vigil's Keep. The Warden-Commander is waiting for us." he said and beckoned.
The life in Vigil's Keep was simple and disciplined. Everybody had his or her place and did the assigned job, without question. And yet it didn't felt like a prison. She was free to go anywhere she wanted, but she didn't want. And not because she was chained to the Order but because she didn't want to. She slowly accepted her slow and inevitable death and tried to find her place. More and more often she visited the herbal storage and made potions and balms. She liked the solitude of the place. It was a quiet spot of the always busy and noisy Keep. Here she could immerse into her thoughts and memories.
She thoughtfully crushed the elfroot in the mortar, tried to recall the face of her family but as the time passed it became a blurry and distant image. She remembered her mother's silver hair, but couldn't recall the color of her eyes or the tone of her voice. She remembered that her sister had icy blue eyes but she couldn't remember on which arm she had that deep scar she gained during a sword practice with their brother. More time she was a Warden less she was a Hawke anymore.
The slamming door brought her back.
Nathaniel came in, nodded as a greeting as always and went to the shelves browsing the potions. Bethany stole some glances to her fellow Warden. He was the only one with who she was still distant. Somehow he always made her uneasy and yet more and more times she found herself watching him at the courtyard during his daily target practice and her stomach was in spasm every time their eyes accidentally.
She felt herself an idiot every time she was near him. She couldn't say a single word to him, but he wanted to tell him so many things. That he was handsome and she likes him, that she always wanted to learn to shoot with a bow and arrows and other silly things what girl says to their sweetheart boys while fidget with their hair. But she could just nod or shake her head as an answer when he asked her and it seemed that Nathaniel got used to this eventually.
Like Nathaniel sensed she watched him and with a sharp motion turned to her and looked right into her eyes. Bethany drew her eyes to the mortar instantly and continued to crush the elfroot with nervous moves. She heard as he took the strides toward her, and felt that her heart began to pound almost loudly in her chest and the next moment his hand slammed on the table.
Bethany looked up, startled like a demon or a darkspawn stood before her. "Did I hurt you some way, Bethany?" he asked. His voice was low but something intimidating was in it, something that caused her shivering. She nervously shook her head and returned to her mortar, but he leaned on the table, making impossible to not see him. "You are here for almost one year now and you haven't spoken a single word to me. Why?" She tried to answer but as always no sound came out of her mouth. So she just turned away in her nervousness and began to fumble with the dried plants.
"Fine." He grunted and she heard feet receding from her and she cursed herself for being such an idiot.
Bethany sat on the battlements and watched the setting sun. She needed to pull herself together. She knew that Stroud for her for an important mission. She needed to be strong and not cry. She swept the tears away from her eyes before they could shed, she tried to swallow that aching knot in her throat but the grief slowly overwhelmed her.
Her mother died. Only her sister remained of her family. She blamed her. She should have protected her, rescue her or just die instead of her, but her mother died and Marian lived and she couldn't do anything.
She buried her face into her and sobbed Maker knows how long when somebody touched her shoulder. She looked up and saw Nathaniel handing her a handkerchief.
"I'm sorry." he said in his stoic voice. Bethany took the piece of cloth and wiped her face dry and nodded as an answer but the next moment before she could say anything she burst out in another wave of crying. Nathaniel sat next to him and comfortingly smoothed his hand on her back.
"Would you like me to hold a wake with you?" he asked. She could just nod as an answer.
They spent their night in the chapel, praying for her mother's soul silently, not speaking a single word to each other. Bethany was so grateful for his silent condolence. She took some stolen glances to her fellow Warden watched him in the dim light of the candles and she was glad that he was with her and so wanted to tell him, but she couldn't find the right words so she just recited the threnody once again in herself.
She left Kirkwall once again with Nathaniel. She left her sister behind once again. It was strange to come back after all these years.
Six years of her life, dedicated to fighting against darkspawn. It felt funny that once was a compulsion now was the best way to live. She saw the Gallows, knew about the templars' atrocities and Meredith's madness and now as that huge city, always felt like burning, always had the scent of smoke and ash faded in the horizon it felt a very good thing to be a Warden.
"We should get back to Amaranthine with the next boat. I'm fed up with the Free Marches." grumbled Nathaniel as always. Bethany nodded as an answer as always.
Six years. Six years and she still couldn't speak to Nathaniel, just taking coy glances on him, trying to avoid him when it was possible. But still, after all these years she still couldn't say a single word to him. She ceased to be a normal woman beside him every time and became a bumbling idiot. And it seemed during through these years somewhere Nathaniel resigned that she couldn't speak to him and didn't expect an answer anymore.
They set up a camp outside Kirkwall, at the foothill of Sundermount and planned to sail away next day.
The evening was eventless and silent as always when they were on a mission together. Nathanial usually maintained his bow and arrows while Bethany read. They took glances on each other sometimes but never spoke.
That day wasn't an exception until a quaking blast shook everything. They jumped up instantly, reached for their weapons and saw the billowing smoke from the city.
Marian. She was Bethany's first and only thought. She was the only thing that remained for her of her family.
She looked to Nathaniel with an undefined mixture of fear and pleading in her eyes. She needed to get back to the city, but she knew she shouldn't. She was a Grey Warden and she should be neutral and not intervene in any conflict, but the last glimmer of her previous life was in that city. Nathaniel took away his bow and smiled to Bethany.
"Go." he ordered. "But promise me to return. Vigil's Keep would be so empty without you." That broke something in Bethany. She rushed to Nathaniel and kissed him long and passionately, telling everything she couldn't with words through all these years.
"For luck." She said as they departed and she ran away.