In all of my thirty years, I've never been the kind of person to have thoughts and opinions that other people agree with. I'm the kind of person that doesn't exactly go with the norm, the average belief system. For example, I've never believed in having one true love, or in having a soul mate. I believe that certain people are more suited for one another than others, and that any relationship can be successful if enough hard work is put into it. I don't believe in fate or destiny, but rather that we can make our own dreams come true by never giving up, and always striving to make our goals a reality. So when I met Callie, my Calliope, I didn't think it was divine intervention or destiny knocking on my door. When I saw her, I simply knew that I liked what I saw, and if I wanted to get to know her better, it was only up to me to make it happen.
The truth of the matter is, before meeting Callie, or becoming involved with her, I had a life that she never knew about. In fact, she still doesn't know about it. Before dating Callie, I was in a slew of relationships, but never once was I "faithful." Now, I use that word generously. When people think of being faithful to their partner, it's normally pretty cut and dry: don't think of being with other people, and don't do anything physical with another person. For me however, being faithful is very different, and to this day, Callie still doesn't know that I feel this way.
In my opinion, being faithful is in a whole different ballpark. My way of looking at things is a bit more complicated. I believe that being faithful to one person means putting that person above everyone else, caring about their every need and desire first and foremost, but also being able to enjoy other people in life at the same time. To elaborate, I think it's okay to love one person entirely, with everything you have, and yet still be drawn to other people in more of a like versus love capacity.
Before Callie, I dated Joanne, Colleen, Angie, Nancy, and Jen. They were all pretty serious relationships, and I cared about each of them in different ways. But, even while being with them, I was never sexually exclusive, and none of them were aware of that. I didn't feel guilty about my actions though, as some would assume I might. The reality of my situations simply involved me loving (sometimes only liking) my girlfriend of the moment, and still finding physical enjoyment with other women during the same period of time. I never slept with a woman on the side because I was unhappy with my girlfriend, or because I cared about her less. In fact, it was very much the opposite.
I found myself sleeping with women on the side when I was actually very happy with Joanne, Colleen, etc. I loved life so much, that I felt like nothing could go wrong, and I could have it all. The reason I didn't open up to my girlfriends about my activities outside of our relationship, was because I knew what their opinion would be before I even spoke up. So, what was the point in talking about it? I could enjoy a fun, loving relationship, while having some awesome physical experiences outside of the relationship at the same time. It was a win-win for me.
On the other hand, some people might judge my "extracurricular" activities with a response such as, 'Don't you think your girlfriend would be hurt if they knew what you were doing with other women?' Of course I do, absolutely. And that's why, in the end, I never tell my partner what I'm doing outside of our relationship, because it will only hurt them. But, let's hold up a minute. Some might ask, 'What if the situation was turned around and your partner was sleeping with someone else other than you, would you feel differently then?' Well, that answer is complicated.
Let's talk briefly about the concept of open relationships. Callie and I are not in an open relationship, but I think it's something that should still be discussed, because it partially applies to my concealed activities. The topic has such a stigma surrounding it, and anyone who openly admits to being in such a relationship is often viewed negatively. Whether or not an open relationship is good, bad, works, or doesn't work, there are four different ways open relationships can be categorized: 1) It is morally wrong, period. 2) It can work. 3) It can't work. 4) It can work, but it's dangerous territory.
Personally, when I'm in a relationship with a woman, I treat her right. I put her needs first and I always care for her the way a partner should be cared for. That's why, when I sleep with a woman on the side, I know it's okay, simply because 'it's just sex.' I'm sure everyone has heard that term before, and it's controversial to bring up. But, it's true. I can completely and utterly love my partner, and enjoy sex with someone else at the same time. The reason why, is because I can separate loving sex from just sex. The problem with this is that I'm not always so confident my partner can do the same.
Let's take Colleen for example. If she's in a relationship with someone, she puts her whole heart into it. So, needless to say, if she starts to sleep with someone on the outside of her very emotional relationship, then it's highly likely she will become emotional with the woman on the outside as well. For me, it's not like that. I can separate the loving sex with my girlfriend from the emotionless sex of an outsider. Why would someone want emotionless sex, you might ask? Hell, at some point in life, everyone either wants it or has it. Emotionless sex 100% of the time is not enjoyable, of course, but every once in a while, it can be perfect. So, back to the question: would I be hurt if my partner was sleeping with someone other than me? The answer to that is entirely dependent upon whether or not my girlfriend is able to separate loving sex from non-loving sex. If she can separate the two, then no, I would not be hurt by her actions. If it was Colleen though, sleeping with a woman other than me, I know for a fact that she would have intense feelings for them, and therefore it would definitely hurt. Does that make sense?
For me, the categories an open relationship can be broken into are actually pretty simple. Take number one for example. It is morally wrong. Eh, I don't agree with this, but I can understand where other people would. Oftentimes, religion is brought into the discussion, and that plays a huge morality role. Let's look at number two. It can work. Yes, I believe this, but in order for it to work, both individuals must know how to separate love from like, emotion from non-emotion. To find two people capable of doing this is very difficult. Number three. It can't work. Many people believe this, regardless of morality. People often believe open relationships are complicated and difficult to manage, especially when jealousy is brought into the picture. I definitely agree with that; jealousy simply cannot be brought into an open relationship or it is doomed from the get go.
And lastly, number four. It can work, but it's dangerous territory. This is the most interesting category. I didn't even think of this until recently, until I realized how dangerous an open relationship really can be. You see, this is what it all comes down to, in the end. I can be in a relationship, and wholeheartedly trust myself and my partner of being able to separate loving, committed sex from random, enjoyable, dismissive sex. Despite the trust I may have however, I can never quite prepare myself for the possible disruption that can come from a distinctly unique individual entering the life of either myself, or my partner. I can never stop my partner from falling out of love with me, and into love with another person, an outside person. And likewise, my partner cannot stop the same thing from happening to me.
Allowing an open relationship to become part of your life is most definitely dangerous, like playing with fire. If you allow your partner to participate outside of the boundaries of your relationship, yes, it can work. But, you must never dismiss the possibility that in allowing this, you are allowing your partner to see what else is out there, other than you. You may feel confident in your partner's love, in her intense devotion for you, and yet, you must never lose sight of the possibility that she might see someone else and become more invested in them, than in you.
Now the ultimate question is brought up: have I been 'faithful' to Callie? In my opinion, I have been both emotionally and sexually faithful to Callie. I have never loved or cared about another person in the way that I care about her. I have never enjoyed such passion and intensity in my sexual life as I have with her. And therefore, I believe I have been entirely faithful to Calliope much in the same way that I have been faithful to all of the women I've dated. Instead of mentioning my faithfulness however, if one were to ask me if I have instead been sexually exclusive to Callie, then my answer would be no.
Over the months and years of our relationship, I have most definitely found satisfaction in the sexual experiences of other women. I must clarify however, that although the experiences were all amazing, they were never the earth-shattering experiences I had with Callie. For me, earth-shattering sex is not just about the heat and the excitement, but also about the love and adoration melded with the electricity. In saying this, it's important to mention that I don't always want earth-shattering sex. Sometimes, I crave sex that involves nothing but attraction, tension, and the thrill of the unknown. That type of sex can only be experienced with someone other than your committed, loving partner.
When Callie and I started dating, I knew immediately that our connection was much stronger than my prior relationships. I was right, as our weeks together turned into months and then years. Nonetheless, I never bound myself inside the confines of sexual exclusivity. The first time I slept with someone other than Callie, while we were dating, was right around the time that Callie told me she considered me to be her girlfriend, and not just her casual friend-with-benefits. This excited me and made me feel alive. The very next night, I'd gone to a nearby bar, and engaged in a hot one-night stand. Really, it wasn't even a one-night stand, because it lasted for about an hour. We'd caught each other's gaze from across the room, and didn't waste time with nervousness and getting to know one another. It was a quick, satisfying encounter in the darkness outside the building, against her car. I didn't even catch her name, and I didn't tell her mine either. I had no issues or qualms with my actions, because I was left feeling fulfilled and content. I then went straight to Callie's apartment to experience the other type of sex, the intense-in-a-different-kind-of-way sex, the kind that isn't so fast and exotic. And from that night, all the way until recently, my actions never changed.
It may be hard for some people to understand my behavior, which is why I don't share it with many, but I did share it with one person, ultimately. In time, after becoming friends, and then good friends, I shared my behind-the-scenes activity with Alex Karev. I never would have thought him and I would become friends, but in a way, our personalities mix quite well. He came to trust me, and I came to trust him. The reason I finally opened up to Alex about my women on the side was because I knew he would understand. Alex, much like myself, feels similar about relationships. We both believe that when in a relationship, we treat our partner wonderfully, and still have sloppy sex on the side with random people. We believe that you can have a bit of both worlds, as long as you come home each night with love in your heart for your partner, and your partner alone.
Over the years, Alex has covered for me when I was almost caught in a lie or a predicament I didn't plan for. He didn't like lying for me, especially to Callie, but nevertheless, he always pulled through. And every once in a while, I would cover for him as well, even though his committed relationships were fewer and far between than the bond between Callie and myself.
You see, when playing this 'game' that I play, there are rules I don't allow myself to break. First and foremost: never sleep with someone you or your partner works with. Second: never sleep with a friend, or a friend of a friend, of your partner. Third: don't exchange personal details such as phone numbers, addresses, or jobs. And finally, rule number four: do not become emotional with the outside woman, ever. I know these rules inside and out, without really being consciously aware of them. They come naturally to me, and I know them like the back of my hand.
I trust myself, because I know I would never be foolish enough to sleep with someone Callie knows, or someone Callie's friends know. I also have no trouble keeping my mouth shut, metaphorically, when interacting with another woman. As for rule number four, this is the easiest for me, especially considering how much love I've always had for Callie. There is no way I would ever start to become emotional with anyone other than her, how could I? She is everything a person could want, and she is utterly perfect. My love for her is deep, intense, and I know, I know it could never come into question - Right?