A/N: written for marenfic in the scc ficathon.
we fall fast, mercy me it'll never last
Cancer, like Judgment Day, had become a word that Sarah tried to fight with every ounce of her being. Like Judgment Day it was something she thought she had beaten. Or at least delayed from happening.
Not for the first time, Sarah had been wrong.
But she would be damned if she let it beat her. She couldn't let it. She needed to live and see Judgment Day not happen. Then she could die. Happily, at that.
They had stopped her cancer by hop scotching trough time, like they had stopped Judgment Day. Now the only thing was, they had to stop it again. She could do this. She had to do this.
X
She had gone to the clinic every six months for check ups, never telling anyone. Not John or Derek. And definitely not Cameron. When they would ask where she had been, Sarah would always lie or just not answer and spend the rst of the afternoon cleaning her guns. Like she did when something bothered her. Ever since she learned, near the border of Mexico and Guatemala, the process had a soothing effect on her. She still remembers - John at her feet, his head leaning against her knees watching old Spanish cartoons as she took their guns apart and sprayed the Prolix down the barrels, the dirty rags on the table, John's hair at her knee. Her fingers always feel dirty and greasy, and she has to wash her hands a couple times, but she feels accomplished afterwards. She feels in control. She can stop anything in her way. Or at least shoot it and slow it down.
John is used to this. Derek doesn't really care one way or another – unless they were talking about stopping Judgment Day he mostly cleans his own guns and watches the sky. Cameron, Sarah doesn't need to explain herself to a machine, but sometimes she wondered if Cameron knew. If she could read Sarah like she did John.
If the Terminator did, it never said anything and Sarah did not ask.
The day she gets the final diagnosis – Leukemia – she buys a bottle of scotch, pours herself two drinks and then proceeds to smash the bottle. It leaves a wet stain on the wall and nobody says anything when they see it. They all have bad days, and they mostly don't talk about them, but John looks at her. He almost asks. Sarah sees him hovering by her bedroom door, but he doesn't say anything and just announces that Derek is finished with dinner.
Sarah goes up to him and hugs him, kisses his forehead and follows him to the kitchen where Derek has miraculously not burnt dinner and they sit and eat. Almost like a family, except they're all hiding things from each other.
That and Cameron doesn't need to eat.
X
She begins treatment in secret. Does the research in a library because she still doesn't Google and she's not asking some stranger to look up Leukemia for her.
She can't risk registering at a hospital and getting proper treatments, money for one, and especially if she wanted to keep it from John, so she gets the research, the facts, and more importantly the drugs. Lucky for her, she knows someone that knows how to get them for her.
Charley isn't happy to see her when she shows up at his work, but he goes with her to get a cup of coffee. It's a testament to him that he doesn't dance around the subject and asks her what she needs.
X
It takes him a few days to get the inhibitors she needs, but then there is the phone call, the confirmation and the non-descript coffee shop where they'll meet.
When she gets there, he's already sitting down, coffee cup in hand and a bag on the seat next to him. Sarah smiles when she sits and orders herself an ice tea.
"Hi… thanks for doing this for me." She wants to get it out of the way and stop dragging him into this madness she calls life.
Charley smiles at her, warm and familiar, but with an edge she know her world has put there. "It wasn't a problem. You know I'd do anything-"
"Charley," she stops his statement, the support she hears in it, and shakes her head. He nods back but is still smiling.
The waitress comes with her drink and Sarah sips it slowly. The ice tea cools down her throat, a slave to the nerves she's been feeling ever since she got the final word from the doctor and starts a little when she feels Charley's hand on hers.
"Does John know?" The question makes Sarah blink, the feeling of guilt and failure bubbling up inside her and shakes her head.
"No, he doesn't." She slips her hand from his under his, and if she has hurt his feelings Charley doesn't let it show.
He nods and picks up the bag on the seat next to him. "The inhibitors and drugs are all here. Most are daily treatment and…" he pauses and looks at her, caring eyes, Sarah notes, "Sarah, are you sure you want to do this, like this?"
She just takes the bag, looking at its contents – she's going to have to hide all of these – meeting Charley's eyes, she gives a firm nod, "This is how it needs to be done."
She doesn't finish her drink and puts down a ten, more than enough for her drink and his, and leaves.
That night she makes a hiding place for the contents of the bag. Gleevec. Sprycel. Tasigna. Her new weapons. Hidden like all the rest.
X
She's read all about the side effects. She was prepared, but when night sweats come they come with brand new nightmares of fire and brimstone and her son burning like the rest of them. Hell on earth. The demons metal. She can't sleep more than four hours a night.
But she can handle those. She's had them for years.
The vomiting is worse. It comes in waves, mostly in the mornings and after lunch, but she can handle that too. The house is small, but John and Cameron are usually already on their way to school and she can mask the sound if she turns the sink and shower on. Derek makes a joke that she's become even more of a hygiene freak that he is, but his eyes are taking in the gauntness of her own and the thinness of her frame.
She pops the pills like candy and she's started taking pain and energy pills, because she gets so goddamn tried now and her whole body aches, but she needs to keep up. She needs to keep going. Judgment Day and Death chase her – she feels as if they're neck and neck. It all depends on a switch to which gets to her first.
The first day her hands shake when holding a gun – so goddamn heavy – is when she feels like she's losing. So she pushes. Harder. They're so close and she's going to see the day Skynet dies.
The nightmares come nightly now and her body aches like she's been in a car crash. She bruises like a peach now too and John's started to notice. Derek too. And she thinks Cameron's known all along.
She can't handle feeling weak around them. She can't handle feeling weak at all, but that doesn't stop her from calling Charley. Her fingers shaking, her whole body shaking, and she's so tired. So tired and when she looks into the mirror she sees the ghost she's becoming.
X
He meets her at the same coffee shop. She's wearing sunglasses because the sun burns her retinas and makes her wonder if the world has always been so damn bright. They sit at the same table and Charley takes her hand. This time Sarah doesn't pull away. She doesn't have to cling to the image of strength and indestructibility that surrounds her and her myth in the house. She can be Sarah Reese. The Sarah that Charley knew. The Sarah that is dying and is terrified of it.
Charley doesn't say anything at first, just looks, seeing the cracks that the sun is burning through and then cups her neck, pulling her gently to his shoulder and kisses the top of her head.
For the first time since that day at the clinic Sarah lets herself breath and cry.
Wiping her eyes dry she catches Charley's. Soft, caring, comforting. She gathers her strength back and she's back to being Sarah Connor. Charley sees the change but his eyes stay the same. And he's still there. For her. It humbles her in the same way Kyle's eyes used to.
X
When she finally tells John, Derek and Cameron, she can see something breaking. John's eyes reflect everything she wanted to prevent. She can see her death in them and brings him into a fierce hug, clutching at him – her focal point – and Sarah can feel a wetness at her neck. Behind John, Derek looks her at in a way she never thought she would see from him. And hates to see now.
Derek is seeing her fragility, that yes, Sarah Connor is in fact human, but damn her if she doesn't want to beat the look out of his eyes. She doesn't want or need pity and goddamn this disease for making her feel like it's part of her now.
The only one whose expression doesn't change is Cameron. The mechanical girl just tilts her head and asks the one question that Sarah hasn't wanted to think about.
"How long do you have to live?"
John separates from her hug and glares at Cameron. Derek looks torn between wanting to shoot Cameron and thankful that she could ask what he was obviously thinking.
Sarah sighs, "I don't know. The drugs that Charley got me, they're inhibitors, they're not a cure. They stop it from progressing farther, but it's still there."
From her side she can feel her son shift into knowledge mode. She knows he going to stay up all night now and research everything she already has and look for some way to fix it. To make it right. Sarah's not sure this is one of those times, as much as she hates to admit it.
"When's your next doctor's appointment?" Derek asks, surprising Sarah.
"I go to the clinic, they don't do much," she shrugs.
"Mom," John starts. She lays a hand on his arm and shakes her head.
"John, we don't have the luxury to spend all our money on treatment. I'm getting by, the drugs help, but they won't always and we need to be ready for that. I can't be holding you back."
"You're not…" he begins to protest and Sarah can't help but feel a wave of motherly affection for her son, but she knows the argument is futile.
"Not now, but maybe soon. The drugs take a lot out me and I know you guys see it too. Now, we need to prepare for this, but first we need to get going." Sarah turns to Cameron, "The building?"
Cameron steps forward, "It has underground access. The room we want to get to is on the third floor. It houses a CPU mainframe that can handle the Turk. If whoever stole the Turk wants to run it on a massive scale they would need something like this."
Sarah nods, "Then let's go get it before they do."
They leave the house and she can feel John and Derek's eyes on her, worrying and curious, but she can't focus on that. Not yet. They all have things to accomplish first.
X
Her next doctor's appointment, which John makes for her, Derek goes with her.
She gets her new prescriptions from Charley over coffee and John goes with her.
Cameron still stalks the house at night when Sarah is woken up from her nightmares.
Everything changes and everything stays the same. The end of days creeps closer and Sarah begins to feel like a ghost each passing day. She keeps fighting because she's doesn't know how to stop.
The day she faints, her body overwrought and weakened – the drugs, the treatment, the fight – when she wakes up a day later, she later learns, she wakes to Charley by her bedside. When she asks where John, Derek and Cameron are, he only shakes his head.
Judgment Day.