Hi everyone. So I realize Christmas is way over now but I wrote this one shot and was going to post it, but then I had a snow storm in my area and I lost power and internet for like five days so I'm posting it now. It's canon up until episode 5x13, minus the Paige's parents are sending her away scene. It's just a little thing I wrote, it's not my best but I do hope you guys like it if you give it a read. Thank you to everyone who did, and still is, reading and reviewing my other two one shots. I'm still figuring out what kind of full length story I want to do, so I might have one of those up someday. If not, you'll still get some more one shots eventually. Again, thanks to everyone and I hope you've all had a nice holiday and start to the New Year.
Disclaimer: I do no own Pretty Little Liars or any of the characters or anything. I just borrow them from time to time.
First, Not Last
Snow. That's all Emily could see. Everything else around her just faded into the background as the snow continued to blanket the streets surrounding the Hastings home. The snow was bright, beautifully white and falling gracefully from the sky at a rapid rate. Emily was mesmerized. She loved snow. She loved Christmas in general, anyone that knew her was aware that she was straight up over the top and ridiculous when it came to the holiday, but snow was at the top of her list when it came to her favorites in the Christmas category. She didn't know why, maybe just because snow was the calling card for Christmas? Maybe because as far as she could remember she always associated snow and Christmas into the same little bubble? Like snow was the kick starter for the countdown to the holiday. She really didn't know. All she knew was the first snow fall always gave her chills of excitement and made her want to squeal like a five year old. Of course the first snow fall had been weeks before, but still, any kind of snowfall made her feel just as giddy.
She remembered vividly one year when her family had gone out of state for the holiday. Her entire family had pooled their money in to have an all together family Christmas vacation at a resort in Florida. Of course anyone would be surprised if it did snow in Florida, but at the time Emily was seven and had no idea of that fact. She was absolutely floored when they had arrived for Christmas that year and there was not one single snow flake in sight. She had spent nearly two hours crying on Christmas morning because she was dead set on the idea that Santa was mad at her and had taken away the snow that year, even offering up to give all her presents to her cousins if he would simply let it snow.
Emily's parents had made it a point never to go out of state for the holiday ever again.
Being older now, Emily found the story to be both sad and funny at the same time but the truth was she just couldn't help it. She was aware that many people didn't share her love for the weather but she just loved the snow. She loved the wintery weather that only came for a few months of the year and being forced to curl up inside with hot chocolate and egg nog when the roads got too full. The little blanket of white it created over the streets, houses and parked cars just gave her a feeling of such joy, even she herself couldn't quite explain it. All she wanted to do was walk outside and stand in the middle of the street, arms out wide and just let it fall all around her.
However, as much as she loved the snow right now she wished it would give up just a little bit. The fact that she was going to be away from her parents on Christmas Day was just not something she was looking forward to. She loved her friends, and they were just as much her family as her parents were, but it still stung knowing that she wasn't going to be waking up the next morning to her mother's famous snowflake shaped pancakes and special recipe egg nog. It was a tradition in her family for as long as she could remember and Emily was heartbroken at the idea that she was going to miss out on it this year due to her mother being stuck at the airport with her father.
"At least they get to be together." Emily said to herself, as she peeled her eyes away from the window for a moment. Running her hands through her hair a few times, she sat down on the window seat with a small huff, bringing her legs up against her chest as crossed her ankles together. Her father always managed to make it home for Christmas and usually got to stay for a few weeks after as well. She missed him terribly and the fact that she was going to have to wait an extra day at least to see him after already being away from him for months now, it sucked.
The sound of the bedroom door opening up behind her caught her attention, effectively breaking her away from her thoughts. Emily smiled at Paige as she walked in, her cell phone clutched in her hand, dressed in a pair of Spencer's plaid pajama pants and her own tank top that she had been wearing beneath her tuxedo. Thankfully, the Hastings house was big enough for each of the teens to have their own spaces for the evening. After they all realized they weren't going to be able to get to their homes that night due to the snow, Spencer offered out extra clothes and rooms to everyone. After making some food all the teens (and Ezra) decided to call it a night, exhausted from the events at the ball earlier that evening.
"Get a hold of your parents?"
"Barely. The connection was awful. They said they're not getting out anytime soon. Earliest will probably be tomorrow afternoon, if not the evening, especially if the snow keeps up like this." Paige responded as she pushed her still curly hair out of her face. Paige's parents had gone to the city for the evening to attend a charity event for the church and were supposed to be back in time to have dinner with their family, but with the snow they were now being forced to stay at the hotel where the event was being held. Emily was at least grateful that Paige hadn't gotten stuck at home by herself all night, but instead was with her, even if it was at Spencer's house and not at her own. She had been looking forward to spending the holiday with her girlfriend since they had gotten back together the month before.
Originally they had made plans before this evening to spend some time together for the holiday. Paige was going to join Emily and her family for dinner tonight, Christmas Eve, and then for Christmas Day Emily would go to Paige's for dinner with her family. But seeing how they were stuck at the Hastings and Emily's folks were stuck at the airport, it wasn't going to go quite that way.
But at least they still got to be with one another. That was the only silver lining that Emily could see in this whole situation.
"I'm still trying to figure out why exactly anybody would plan an event for Christmas Eve anyways." Emily said with a small frown as Paige came and sat down on the window seat across from her. Even at Spencer's house the window seat was their spot for some reason.
"I don't know. Something to do with the birth of Christ, I imagine." Paige shrugged. She herself was only slightly surprised when her parents had said they were going to be away all day, but in reality it truly wasn't that out of character for them. They always had events and dinners to attend, even if they were during the holidays.
"How are you doing?" Paige asked with a soft smile as she rested her hand on top of Emily's foot, her fingers running across the top of it gently.
It wasn't hard to tell that Emily was feeling extremely bummed about not being with her family tonight. Paige was pretty bummed herself, having been so excited to spend the evening with her girlfriend and her family. The Fields were just such easy people to be around, something that she felt a lacking of in her own house. Her parents weren't exactly into the holidays the way that Emily's were, the way that Paige wished they were anyways. They barely managed to get a Christmas Tree sometimes. Her parents were more into the spiritual side of the holiday then anything else, which Paige didn't really mind, but sometimes she wished they would loosen up a little.
"I'm okay. I wish it was different but there's nothing I can do about it." Emily answered with a sad smile, her hand reaching out to cover Paige's, her fingers squeezing gently. It seemed her life was consistently following in the same pattern over and over again, all the control taken out of her hands at the blink of an eye.
"Besides, I do get to the spend the night with you and that's nothing to be sad about."
"No, not really." Paige agreed with a smile. It had been so long since they had been able to share an entire evening together, even if they weren't entirely alone, it was certainly close enough. "Although, it would be better if it wasn't in The House of Hastings, but I'll take it."
Emily released a small laugh at Paige's words, her head nodding in agreement as she too wished they could have been on their own for the evening at least. But, again, they were together and that was far better than not.
"I guess it kind of makes sense for us though. Everything else has been pretty unconventional for us, so our first Christmas together being a little different isn't all that surprising."
"I guess not." Paige said after a moment of thinking it over. "I just don't want you to be sad."
"I'm not. I mean, in a way I am of course, but it could be much worse so I'll be okay. I promise."
"Okay."
Paige didn't press any further, but instead just smiled and brought Emily's hand up to her lips and pressed a kiss to her knuckles. Emily smiled at the gesture, moving her foot slightly to press against Paige's leg.
"Did I tell you that you looked beautiful tonight?"
"You did." Emily nodded, a blush coming over her cheeks as Paige stared at her so sweetly. "So did you. I especially like your bowtie."
"I had a feeling you would." A slightly smug smile crossed over Paige's lips for a moment, her head dipping seconds later as she struggled to keep a straight face.
This was what Emily had missed the most in the time that she and Paige had been apart. Just little moments like this where they could make each other smile at the littlest joke, comment or compliment. It had been difficult, far more difficult than imagined, for Emily to be away from Paige this way for so long, even though they really weren't apart all that long in reality. However, it had been long enough and Emily was initially slightly terrified that they wouldn't ever be able to get back to this place, to where they are right now, but thankfully it hadn't been very hard at all. Since that day Paige kissed her in the hallway, the two of them had decided to just take things slow and to make sure that they didn't make the same mistakes they had before. So far, it had been working out well.
When Paige looked back up at her, Emily felt a warm feeling rising up in her stomach, something in the look in Paige's eyes causing a tingle to run over her whole body.
"What?" Emily questioned at Paige's lingering gaze, her stare beginning to make Emily blush.
"Close your eyes."
"Um, what?"
Emily laughed unsurely, immediately confused by the sudden request.
"Close your eyes. Just for a second." Paige asked again, this time more softly, giving Emily a little more influence to trust her and just go with it.
For a moment Emily just stared at Paige, unsure of what her girlfriend was up to, but after not getting any kind of reaction out of Paige, Emily relented and closed her eyes. She felt Paige's hand slip away, missing the contact between them right away, then she heard Paige's footsteps on the carpet as she walked around for whatever reason.
A few seconds later and Emily felt the seat in front of her dip down again, Paige's hand reaching out to grasp hers again.
"You can open them now."
Slowly, Emily opened her eyes and they landed on Paige, first on her face and then her hands which were holding a tiny wrapped box with a bow on it. Emily looked at the box and then up at Paige, her eyes questioning what was going on.
"What's this?"
"Early Christmas gift." Paige said with a smile, her eyes drifting over towards the nightstand. "Well, you know, twelve minutes early anyways."
Emily smiled in her spot, her eyes moving the box to Paige a few times before she started shaking her head.
"I can't open it now. I don't have anything for you with me."
"That doesn't matter." Paige held out the box again for Emily, only to have her girlfriend gently nudge it away from herself.
"It does to me. I want to exchange our gifts together."
Emily was extremely excited to give Paige her Christmas present. She had picked up a few small things that she knew her girlfriend loved, like her favorite perfume, a few CD's she knew she was interested in getting, a couple of vintage t-shirts she had found that she knew Paige would love and finally some of her favorite candy as a stocking stuffer. Her main gift though was far more personal. At first she was unsure of what to get Paige exactly. It wasn't that Paige was hard to shop for, but she just wanted to get her the perfect gift considering it was their first Christmas together and also because she just wanted to get her something special, something to show how much she loved her girlfriend. One day while she was out shopping for her mother she had found an old window frame with six panes of glass in it and for some reason she had been really struck by it. Suddenly an idea had popped into her head and she had bought the window frame on the spot.
A few weeks before that while she was hanging out in Paige's bedroom she had noticed for the first time that her girlfriend didn't have any pictures of the two of them together other than one that she kept on her desk. Paige had said that she didn't have any photos of them together at all to put up, most of them on Emily's phone since she was the one who took the majority of the pictures between the two of them, not that Paige didn't want pictures of them, she just wasn't good at remembering to pull her phone out and take a picture the way Emily was.
So with the window frame Emily decided to fill it up with pictures of the two of them together so Paige could hang it on her wall in her bedroom, maybe she could even take it to Stanford with her when she left after summer. She had fixed the frame up, painting the wood a nice baby blue color to go with Paige's room, filled it up with ten pictures of the two of them throughout their time together, cutting two pictures into small sized ones to fit into five of the six glassed frames. In the last empty frame she had taken a black glass marker and written out very carefully in the best cursive that she could muster:
'Unpredictable can be good.'
September 17th, 2014
Emily had actually been proud of herself for the gift and she couldn't wait to give it to Paige. The quote coming from Paige herself made it much more sentimental for Emily, having never forgotten the time that Paige had said it to her. It had never really occurred to Emily just how unpredictable their relationship truly had really been until that moment beside the pool. It was true, there was no doubt about it. The fact that she had fallen in love with Paige was something she never would have expected would happen, but at the same time it felt so incredibly natural to her. Paige, and their relationship, had become such a part of Emily's life at this point she often found herself forgetting what it was like not to love Paige. She found it hard not to picture what their life could be like one day, someday, if they actually got a chance to have a go at it. She hoped they would, but she knew the chances weren't good and that was something that she didn't want t think about at all.
"Em?"
"Huh?" Emily asked, her head shaking slightly as she pulled herself out of her head.
"You alright?" Paige asked, her eyes full of concern as she rested her free hand on Emily's thigh.
"Yeah, sorry. I just, I was thinking about your Christmas present. I can't open mine when you can't. open yours too"
"This isn't your real present, Em. I was planning to give it to you tonight at your parents house, but that plan kind of got snow blown away." Paige joked, earning a smile from Emily in response.
"I want you to have it now. I don't care about my gift, I mean I do of course cause you've been talking about it forever now, but I mean that I don't need it right now. I just want you to have this tonight. Please?" Paige finished off with a shy smile, holding the box out towards Emily.
Emily really didn't want to open a gift when she didn't have one for Paige, but the look on Paige's face made it so hard to say no. She looked like a mixture between excited, nervous, and straight up giddy. Hesitantly, Emily took the box from Paige's hand and held it between her own, but made no effort to actually open it.
"You've unwrapped a present before right?"
Emily merely shot Paige a blank stare at the question, causing a grin to spread across the swimmer's face.
"Come on, Em. Like I said, this isn't even your real present. It's just an extra one I got for you."
With that, Emily finally relented and pulled on the bow that was surrounding the small box. Setting the string aside, Emily tugged at the pretty red paper that was wrapped around the box until she got to a gold colored box on the other side. Glancing up at Paige for a moment, Emily lifted the top from the box and set it aside, lifting away the wrapping paper that was inside covering the gift. When Emily saw what was inside, a smile immediately fell over her lips.
Paige sat across from Emily, her hands twisted in her lap as she waited as patiently as possible for Emily to say something, anything at all about the gift. She was nervous, but also excited to give Emily the present, but she was hoping that she wasn't being too forward with it. They had just gotten back together and she didn't want to cause any waves by trying to move too quickly. But then again, she knew what she wanted and that was Emily. She couldn't do anything about that and she wasn't going to pretend it wasn't true.
"Paige." Was the first thing Emily said. Her fingers ran over the small object inside the box, her eyes looking over detail carefully before she plucked it out from the box and held it in her hands freely.
"Do you like it?" Paige asked, her tone clearly laced with nerves as she spoke.
When Emily looked back up at her Paige got her answer when instead of verbally answering her Emily just smiled, nodded her head and then leaned forward and kissed her.
"It's beautiful." Emily said as she pulled back, only to lean forward and kiss Paige again and then once more.
"I just, you told me how much you liked the one your dad got your mom and...I don't know. It, it seemed like a good idea." Paige explained with a quick shrug.
"It was." Emily nodded her head, running her fingers over the ornament once again. "I love the penguins."
"Well I didn't want to go with snowmen cause that's what your parents one had on it. There was a limited choice actually. It was either the penguins, reindeer which were a little more gender geared, or gingerbread cookies that frankly looked a little evil."
"Evil?" Emily laughed, shaking her head at her girlfriend as she watched Paige nod her head vigorously.
"I'm serious! They were not friendly looking at all. Somebody was pissed off when they made those cause they looked downright scary."
Emily laughed again, her eyes going back to the ornament in her hand and she so wished that she could hang it up on the tree in her parents living room right now beside the one that Paige had gotten the inspiration from all those weeks ago. It had been the day that Paige had come over to help her decorate her house. They had spent practically all morning outside and then they finally got started on the inside around two in the afternoon. They had started with hanging lights around the doorways, mistletoes in different rooms, figurines and other decorations all around wherever they could fit them. Then they had finally got to the tree, which was the final piece to the Christmas puzzle in the Fields house. As they were sorting out all of the ornaments, a number of them that had frankly blown Paige's mind when she had seen them, so many of them vintage looking and all with special meaning behind them. They weren't just average ornaments on a tree and Paige loved that.
While they went through and started hanging them up on the tree, Paige had found one in particular that she had enjoyed. It was an older looking ornament, obviously from years ago considering the faded paint on it. It had two snowmen on it, one of them a snow lady that had a big bow on it's head, the snowman wearing a red vest with a white bow tie and a black top hat, holding hands in front of a large Christmas tree that was decorated with red hearts as ornaments. In writing below the two snow people was:
'Our First Christmas'
Wayne & Pam 1985
Emily had told Paige that her father had the ornament made for her mother as a gift for their first holiday together. It was Emily's favorite ornament by far, considering that her parents had been together ever since. For some reason, Paige found herself immediately interested in getting one for her and Emily, especially knowing how much Emily loved the one her parents had, so she had spoken to Wayne one evening while waiting for Emily to finish getting ready for one of their dates and asked him if he would mind her stealing his idea. Wayne had told her to go right ahead, even giving her the name of the shop he had gone to get it just outside of town.
Paige had done just that the following day. Going to the shop Paige had found the ornament that she wanted and filled out the card for the inscription. She was told it would probably take a couple weeks till it was ready, which ended up being true as Paige had gone to pick the gift up just the day before Christmas Eve.
"Well, I'm glad you didn't go with the evil gingerbread. I love it just how it is." Emily said, her smile still on her face as she stared at the ornament. It really was beautiful given it was an ornament that would just hang on a tree for one month out of the year. But for Emily, and for Paige as well, it was the meaning behind the ornament that mattered more then anything else. The ornament had a large red heart on it, snow seeping down the top of it, with two penguins standing in front of it staring directly at one another with their button eyes. Each of the penguins had snow hats on, one green and one blue, and they each had a red and white checkered scarf on. On the heart there was an inscription, written in white cursive letters that read;
'Our First Christmas Together.
Many More To Come.'
More writing graced the snow pile that the penguins stood on. Paige and Emily's names both were written in black ink along with the year 2014.
"Thank you. I really do love it." Emily said in the sincerest tone that Paige had ever heard from her before.
"You're welcome." Paige smiled, reaching her hand out to rest on top of Emily's knee.
"And I mean that, by the way." Paige said softly, her words coming out slightly shaky but also very much secure.
"What?" Emily questioned, brushing a lock of hair behind her ear, her head tilting slightly as she waited for Paige to answer.
"This." Paige pointed to the ornament, to the writing in ink, though Emily was still slightly lost as to what she meant exactly. Paige dropped her gaze from her girlfriend for a moment, her hand moving away from Emily's knee and linking together with her own as she folded both hands in her lap.
"I know that...that we're not still not exactly sure about what's going to happen after summer. We don't have a plan right now and honestly I don't know what exactly that plan might be when we do figure it out or how it's all going to work out, but..." Paige went on, her hands beginning to sweat slightly as she got the words out, her tongue running across her lips slightly as she continued.
"I know the chances of you being able to come with me aren't high, and that's okay, it sucks a lot of course, but I just don't want you to think that just because I'm leaving that automatically it means we're over. Cause that's not the truth, Em. Not at all."
Emily's dropped away from Paige's, her heart twisting in her chest as a part of her wished so badly that Paige would just stop talking, just drop all of this so she could go on pretending like it wasn't real and that Paige wasn't going anywhere. But she knew, deep down that they were going to have to eventually have this conversation. She just didn't want to have it now, not on Christmas Eve, not right after she had just received this beautiful gift that she knew even in that moment that she was going to love forever. just not now. She wasn't ready.
"Paige...please..." Emily stuttered out, her head shaking as she struggled to find the words, to find someway to confront this situation without simply falling into a mess of tears. The thought of Paige leaving, of getting on a plane and never returning was something Emily would rather not think of until she absolutely had to, and even then she didn't want to.
"Just listen, please?" Paige asked, almost pleadingly, as if she knew that Emily was going to protest this conversation, which she probably did considering in the past Emily hadn't reacted well to it. They usually ended up fighting or just crying, but Paige was done with that and ready to actually work out their future together, however they had to do it.
Emily said nothing, but just simply nodded her head, afraid to try and speak at the moment. She kept her eyes focused on the ornament in her hand, her fingers running over the smoothness of the heart, her fingertips feeling the small dips in the glass where the inscription was.
"I didn't just get you this because I thought you might like it. I got it for you because I want you to know that I'm still going to be here, even when I'm not right here. I don't want this to be our first and only Christmas together." Paige explained, her hands moving slightly in between them to indicate what she meant.
"I know you don't want to talk about this, and honestly I don't either, but we have to if we're ever going to find a way to make it work."
Emily simply shook her head, her eyes filling with tears that she pushed back as best she could as she finally found the courage to look her girlfriend in the eyes.
"Paige, we have talked about this and you said it yourself, three thousand miles is a long way and four years is a long time."
"Yeah, it is. It's going to suck, really badly, but I think we could still make it work if we both want it to. I mean hell, everything we've been able to get through up to this point, distance feels like it's going to be the easiest thing to overcome, don't you think?" Paige asked, a small chuckle escaping her lips as she took a second to think it all over. They had been through so much worse, so many things that could have and did tear them apart but yet here they were, still standing strong and Paige was not going to give up without a fight. Not now, not after losing Emily before and managing to get her back. She wasn't going to just give in and she'd be damned if that miles apart was the reason they didn't make it.
"I don't know. I want to believe it...but, it just seems impossible. I don't know if I can go months at a time without seeing you, without being able to be with you like this." Emily admitted, her hand reaching out for a moment to briefly rest against Paige's hands.
"It's going to be hard, I'm not even going to try and say it won't be because it will and the truth is it may not work but there's just as good of a chance that it will. I mean we're still going to talk everyday. We'll talk and text during the day and have Skype dates at night." Paige explained, a small smile on her lips but Emily didn't look convinced. She just looked...sad. Like, almost as if she wanted to believe so badly that Paige was right but she couldn't find it in herself to get her hopes up.
"And what happens when school starts? You're going to have practices, out of town meets, homework and whatever else you've got going on. You say all that now but once you get there it might not be as simple as that. You're going to have so much going on."
"That's nothing new for me. I'm still going to have time for you, Em."
"Maybe. But you're going to meet other people Paige. You're going to be in a brand new place with brand new people, ones that aren't thousands of miles away and that you can't even be with. How am I supposed to compete with that?" Emily finally spoke, her words coming out sad, and even with a hint of bitterness as she thought about all the girls that would be going after Paige. Why wouldn't they? Paige was beautiful, inside and out and it wouldn't take long for someone to take notice of her and realize what a catch she truly was. And in truth, Emily wouldn't even blame them considering that she couldn't offer anything to Paige at such a distance.
Paige looked at Emily closely, the way her hands were gripping at the ornament with a slightly tighter grasp, her eyes falling back to the cushions they were sitting on, a look on her face that Paige had seen before, months and months ago when a secret Paige had kept had finally come to light between them.
"Is that what you're so scared of? You think I'm going to get busy and meet other people and just simply forget that you exist?"
The hard, visible swallow that Emily forced down, the way her eyes fell and refused to meet Paige's was all the answer she needed to give. Paige felt like laughing for a moment, but realized that wouldn't be such a great idea so she choked it down and instead reached her hands out, pulling the ornament that Emily was still holding onto from her grasp and linked their hands together instead.
"You're right. I am going to meet other people, and I plan on doing that and I expect that you're going to meet new people too. That's just a part of it all, of college and going somewhere new but it doesn't mean that I don't want to be with you or that I want to be somebody else cause I don't."
"How do you know that? You're saying it now, but you don't know how you're going to feel when you're actually gone and away from this damn place and you realize that you can actually have a normal life with somebody without all of this." Emily said, this time with a little more force behind her voice, her right hand moving away from Paige's and motioning around them, indicating the craziness that their life seemed to always be surrounded by.
"I know it because I could never forget you, even if I wanted too, which I don't, I never could. I know that for a fact because I've tried to in the past. I've tried and failed to forget how much I wanted to be with you and how much I loved you but it didn't work, and it's not going to start now just because I'm not going to be living down the street from you anymore."
Emily fought to keep her tears under control, finding it harder and harder to control her emotions as Paige spoke, her words coming out with such conviction that Emily found it hard to not believe her. Admittedly, she was scared. She was scared of the day that Paige stopped calling, stopped texting and just decided that she couldn't be with her anymore. The thought of it so reminiscent to a time in her relationship with Maya, even if it was a brief time it had hurt deeply when she had been cut off by her then girlfriend, and she knew if the same thing happened with Paige it would absolutely break her heart.
"Whether I live here, in California or some other far away place, I'm still going to love you and want the same way that I do right now. I know you're scared, and I am too, believe me I am terrified and if there was something I could do to stop this, something that could change all of this I would do it in a second, but I can't change it. This is just how it is and we can either work with it or give up and I'm not ready to give up yet. I know what I said before, but I also know now that I would so much rather have you, even if at a distance and through a computer screen, then not at all."
Feeling the tears fall from her eyes, Emily used her free hand to wipe them away, afraid to look up at Paige still as she heard the emotion starting to build up within her as well. This was hard for both of them, something that they had been avoiding for so long that Emily now felt bad for not having brought it up earlier. Clearly she wasn't the only one that was having a hard time with it, which of course Emily knew it was hard for Paige as well, but for some reason she didn't realize just how hard it was for her girlfriend, part of her wishing that she had paid more attention to how Paige had felt then just herself.
She had gotten in a bad habit of being slightly selfish in the last few months, worrying about so much stuff in her life that unfortunately sometimes, more times then Emily was proud to admit, Paige fell to the bottom of the list. She knew she wasn't girlfriend of the year or anything, but she did love Paige and as much as she was arguing with her right now, not because she didn't want to be with Paige because she did, more than anything she did and she was more than willing to be with her at a distance, but she was just so afraid of what was going to happen once she left that she had just didn't want to face the chance that Paige was going to just up and disappear from her life in the blink of an eye. That would hurt far more than just saying goodbye and knowing it would be the last time she would see her.
"I would much rather try and fail then just say forget it and throw it all away, cause we don't what's going to happen. It might not work, but it also might work. It doesn't matter where you are cause it's not going to change how I feel about you or whether or not I want to be with you."
Nodding her head slowly, Emily sniffed and swallowed the growing lump in her throat as she raised her gaze, her glassy eyes meeting Paige's which were filled with so much love that Emily found herself unable to speak. Paige wasn't crying but her eyes were shining slightly with tears, the smallest of smiles on her face as she looked at Emily as he fingers squeezed hers gently.
"I'm sorry." Emily choked out after a moment, tears free falling down her face as she lost control finally.
"Hey, hey." Paige called out to her gently as she watched Emily's face fall once again. Scooting in closer to her, Paige pulled her hands away gently from her girlfriend's and instead wrapped her arms around her back.
"Don't cry. It's going to be okay. It's alright."
Holding onto Paige's neck tightly with one hand, Emily wrapped her other around her shoulder, her face buried deep into her chest as she clung to her, her body shaking slightly as she cried. Paige continued whispering reassurances into her ear, her hand running in soothing strokes along her back until she finally regained control of her emotions a few minutes after.
"Hey." Paige called out again, her lips pressing against the top of Emily's head as she leaned back from Emily's embrace in attempt to see her face. When she saw her she instantly felt horrible at the sight of Emily's red rimmed eyes and stained cheeks.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought this up tonight, I-"
"No. No." Emily shook her head, her hand raising up slightly to stop Paige before she could go. "I'm glad you did. I wasn't at first but I am now because we did need to talk about this. We should have a long time ago but I just...I couldn't handle it." Emily admitted, shaking her head as she looked up and faced Paige fully.
"You're right. I am scared, very scared about all of this because I don't know how I'm going to do this. I don't know how I'm going to handle having to be away from you and I just...I don't want to lose you but either way, I do. Whether we're together or we're not I'm still losing you either way. I don't get to have you like this and I know it's selfish but I just really don't want this to change." Emily explained finally, her hands resting on Paige's leg as she spoke, her fingers gripping at the fabric of her pants slightly.
"I don't either. Trust me, I don't want to be away from you either."
"I know." Emily nodded, believing Paige's words as she blew out a small breath, wiping the bottom of her eyes as she felt her tears subside finally.
"So...what do you think we should do?" Paige asked, putting the ball in to Emily's court now, knowing she had said everything she had wanted and could say at this point. She wanted to be with Emily beyond the allotted time frame they had right now, but if Emily didn't want the same thing, then she wasn't really sure what she was going to do or could do for that matter. She would just enjoy the time that they had left with every part of herself that she could.
Emily held Paige's gaze, seeing a spark of nerves, maybe even fear, cross over her brown eyes as she stared back at Emily. In her heart, Emily knew the chances might be slim. Anything could happen, the thought reminding her once again of just how unpredictable this had all been. The fact that she was sitting in her best friend's guest bedroom, with her girlfriend, whom was Paige McCullers of all people, on Christmas Eve without her family, crying while she tried to figure out what her future was going to be was just so...unpredictable to say the least. Emily almost felt like laughing, but it didn't happen. Instead she just sat and thought for a moment, longer probably than Paige was comfortable with, but Emily knew that she needed to think.
The truth is that she had no clue what she wanted out of her life anymore. At this point, truly all she wanted was to just be happy, and the only thing she had that gave her any kind of true happiness was sitting right in front of her, once again trying so hard, harder than anyone else ever had in Emily's life to show her how much she was loved and wanted. The truth was, Paige didn't have to be doing any of this, to be trying and asking Emily to just trust in them to make it, to at least give them a shot. She could have just shrugged her shoulders and said goodbye, completely blown off anything Emily was feeling about it all, but she didn't. Time and time again, Paige did the complete opposite and did everything she could to make sure they made it because she knew they could, despite everything that had happened in the past, she wanted to make them work because she loved Emily, so why would she give up?
And if Paige was so willing to try, so unwillingly to give up, how could Emily even consider it?
"Promise me something?" Emily spoke after another minute of silence, Paige's head nearly ready to explode as she waited for Emily to say something that she was nearly startled as she finally did.
"Of course."
"No matter what happens, just promise me that you're not going to disappear. If something happens, someone comes along or something just tell me. Don't just cut me off."
Paige's face twisted into a frown immediately, her head shaking from side to side.
"I would never do that to you, Em. You know me better than that. And there's not going to be anybody else."
"I know that's what you're saying and I do believe you mean that, but just...if there ever is, just please tell me."
Paige went to protest once again but when she saw the look on Emily's face, pleading with her to just answer the request, Paige sighed and nodded her head. "Okay. I promise."
"Thank you." Emily nodded, her hands gripping Paige's in hers tightly, her fingers running over the palms of both of them. "Okay then."
"Okay?" Paige asked, eyebrows furrowing together as she looked at Emily with hopeful eyes.
"Yeah. I don't want to be away from you but like you said, we've gotten through a lot worse. I don't know how it's all going to go, but I do know that I love you so much and that alone makes it's more than worth trying for. So, if you're in, then so am I." Emily answered, a wide smile coming onto her lips as she finished, feeling as if a weight suddenly lifted from her shoulders.
"You know I am." Paige replied, her own smile bursting over her lips as she tugged Emily towards her and kissed her, pouring everything she had into that kiss, letting Emily know that they would be okay even if times came where they thought they wouldn't be, they would.
"I love you." Emily said again, her heart hammering in her chest as Paige stared back at her with that look that she always seemed to have on her face when she looked at Emily, her eyes so full and bright.
"I love you, too." Paige smiled again, her fingers running over the smooth skin around Emily's neck, her hand gently pulling her close again, their lips meeting in a soft, sweet kiss.
"I'm not going to disappear, Em. I wouldn't do that to you. Even if I get busy, I'm always going to have time for you. And I'll be able to come back and visit you when I'm on breaks, or you can come out and see me." Paige suggested, wishing she could just take Emily with her and get her away from this place where she knew she would be safe.
"I'd like that. I want to see you swim, too."
"Okay, then we'll work it out so you can come out sometime during the season. We will, I promise."
"You're making a lot of promises now."
"I'm good for them, trust me. I wouldn't be saying any of this to you if I didn't mean it."
"I know that." Paige never lied to Emily, of course there were some moments of misinformation or little white lies, but Paige was always honest to Emily when it came down to it.
"I know it's going to be hard, but I promise, yes again, I promise you that I am going to do everything I can to make it work for us, for both of us. And if there's ever a time where it doesn't work anymore then we will try and figure it out and if not then...we'll deal with it. As long as you're happy then I'm happy. That's all I want is to be able to make you happy."
"So do I." Emily agreed with a nod. She knew that it was probably going to be a tough road ahead, it wouldn't be perfect but if they made it out at the end it would certainly be well worth it.
"And besides, I'm not leaving yet. I'm still going to be here until the end of July, so we still have plenty of time to plan and figure it all out. And who knows, you could still get into a school that's at least close to Stanford." Paige suggested, always the more optimistic one between them. Of course it could still happen as Emily was still applying to schools and who knows what could happen. It would certainly make things easier, but if not then they would just make due.
"Maybe. I think we'll be okay, though, even if it's going to be hard, I think we can do it."
"Me too. Like I said, I don't want this to be our only Christmas and I don't plan for it to be. I want one, two, maybe even five or ten more with you." Paige said, managing to catch herself off guard even a little as the words came out, both teens smiling surprisingly at one another. "Stranger things have happened, right?"
"Yeah. I guess that's true." Emily bit her lip, trying to suppress her smile a little as she stared at the almost child like look on Paige's face, the one that showed up when she stared to get excited about something. Emily loved the enthusiasm that Paige managed to carry throughout herself, something she knew she had been missing within herself for some time now.
"Yeah. And who knows, maybe one day we'll have our own Snowy, Pingy, Wingy trio."
Grinning widely, Emily dropped her eyes away from Paige, trying to hide the fact that her heart was beating so wildly in her chest. She thought for a moment, her eyes closing as she tried to picture it. Maybe, just maybe four, five or more years down the line they would have an apartment or possibly even a little house of their own. Maybe they would decorate it just as much as they did Emily's parents house with a large tree in the corner of the living room, the ornament from their first Christmas right in front on display for everyone to see. Maybe they would fly back to Rosewood and share holidays with their families and friends.
Maybe, just maybe, it could all work out. If they just got through this last tiny hump, they could actually still have that life. The one that was just the two of them, the one was safe and the one Emily had previously lost all hope for.
Emily smiled to herself, her gaze coming back up to Paige and she nodded her head, her hands reaching out to touch her cheeks, the pads of her fingers running along the smooth skin. Paige sat quietly, her smile still on her face as she looked at Emily and waited for her to speak, seeing that she was waiting to say something.
"We just might." Emily finally said, her lips curling up again slightly as she pulled Paige close, their lips meeting in a slow, passionate kiss that left them both breathless and wanting more.
The sound of the grandfather clock in the hallway caught their attention, Emily's eyes glancing over her shoulder towards the nightstand. A soft smile spread across her lips as she turned back to Paige, who had noticed the time as well now.
"Merry Christmas, Paige."
"Merry Christmas, Em."
They kissed again, Paige wrapping Emily up tightly in her arms with Emily's back against her front, their legs stretched out and tangled together as they sat by the window and watched the snow fall. Their first Christmas, although with some hiccups in the middle, had been successful.
Next year would be even better.