Nothing Else Matters

by InoFan

AU songfic. 2x5/5x2. Duo and Wufei struggle with their feelings for one another in a modern high-school setting.

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing of course doesn't belong to me, and this song is Nothing Else Matters by Metallica. It doesn't belong to me either.

Note: I wrote this a very long time ago. I think it was seven or eight years ago. It's crazy how time flies! Everytime I unearth another one of these old GW fics with Wufei and Duo it really tugs at me to write for them again. Anyhow, I don't think it's too bad for being as old as it is, or close to the handful of my very first fanfics. It's not meant to be preachy or anything, I just remember wanting to explore how hard it would probably be for someone to admit they were homosexual amid all the prejudice.

/So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters/

I didn't always know myself. Know my heart, my thoughts, or my real dream. Like all other guys, I dated a long string of girls. I mean, I wasn't really interested in them, but I was Mr. Popular, Star-athlete, and all-around valedictorian at the top of my class. Of course I had to date. Since it never occurred to me that maybe I didn't like girls, I just figured that each girl I dated wasn't the 'one' I was supposed to. So, moving through relationships, I sort of developed a reputation as a ladies man, when, in all reality, I wasn't. I was just a confused kid, with no real clue. My world revolved around sports, studying, and parties. I wasn't thinking about true love, or soul-mates, or any of that crap. Not until you.

You were quiet, the bookworm, the boy who hung out in the library on a Friday night. That was why it was so easy for me to overlook you. I hadn't meant it as a real slight, or proof of my superiority. I had just genuinely never noticed. Not until the first day of my Senior year, when I had to take the dreaded Physics.

While I loved studying (something my friends always teased me for since they lived for partying), this particular area of science had never been my best. I knew I could at least pull a B if I tried hard enough, but my parents would never go for that. Not when I had been making As throughout my entire high school career. So when I got you for a lab partner, I had no idea my life was about to be changed in so many more ways than simply learning.

I can still see you as you were that day.

I came in, amid a whirl of my friends, all of us laughing and joking, wearing our designer clothing and looking like the popular jocks we were. We shuffled off to the various tables the board said our names were assigned to, and I found you. The look on my face must have been less than pleased (I had really wanted to get a table with my friends), because you lowered your book and eyed me coolly, a challenge buried deep in those dark depths, but not so deep, that I couldn't see it, and immediately bite.

Looking back, I still feel ashamed of my thoughts. How I picked apart your traditional Chinese attire, the wide-rimmed glasses, and the fact that the book you were reading just so happened to be in another language entirely. You had geek written all over you, and I, disappointed at not getting my friends, and irked by the less than warm reception, labeled you.

"I'm Duo-"

"I know who you are," you had interrupted, your tone as precise and remote as your greeting.

"Yeah? Who wouldn't?" I had joked, earning laughter from my friends, scorn from you.

"You will find," you had replied, "that in here, we value brains, not muscle. I suggest you exercise the former if you intend to pass, because I won't carry you."

My friends mocked you.

I looked closer, and smiled tightly, no mirth in my eyes. "Oh yeah? Well guess what, Mr. Whatever-your-name-is, I don't need you to carry me. I can do it all myself."

"Chang Wufei."

"What?"

"My name, Duo Maxwell," you had repeated, going back to your book.

And that had been it. You hadn't given me anything else, and I was pissed at you for it. How dare you ignore me? No one ignored Duo Maxwell. I was adored, spoiled, and my ego was fairly flying out of control.

I'll still never forget the sound of your laughter, the first time I heard it leaving your lips. It had been that very same day, when I, in my stupidity, called you 'Chang', assuming it was your first name. Go me. You had lifted your nose, eyed me down the length as if you were some kind of God, and informed me that Chang Wufei was the formal way of saying your name. However, you had went on, someone as shallow as myself would never know that. In retaliation, I had went around calling you by your entire name for weeks.

But I grew to respect you. Respect your work ethic, your skills, and most of all, you as a person. I valued you. For the first time, I had someone in my life who wasn't as shallow as all my other friends and you began changing me without even knowing it; especially since I had to spend a lot of time with you to do our projects.

I ended up in the library on Friday nights instead of partying. My friends weren't overly thrilled, but I used the excuse that college was coming up after this year, I needed these good grades to help me win a scholarship. I may have been popular and had nice clothes, but my parents weren't rich. Most of what I got, I got by working a job on the weekends. Which, of course, they didn't like either. I was seriously limiting my social life.

As time went by, I began to consider you a friend. But I didn't show it. When we were together, we laughed and talked, and I felt closer to anyone than I ever had in my entire life. Even when we weren't together and we just talked over the phone, discussing things, I felt close to you. You, who were oftentimes distant, secretive, and overly serious. I got you to open up, to trust me as a friend. Yet when you needed me most, I let you down. I listened to my friends, and wasn't seen with you during school hours unless I could attribute it to studying. I left you to sit alone at lunch beneath your favorite tree, surrounded by your foreign books and your out-of-style packed lunch; because I was still selfish and concerned with my image.

I didn't trust myself. I didn't trust you. I ignored the feelings I had, ran from them. I was scared of them, scared of you. My parents loved who I was, my friends loved who I was, but I hated who I was. My dad constantly talked about the sports I played and how good he had been. My mother constantly talked about the colleges I could get into on my scholarships. My friends constantly talked about this girl or that girl who liked me and would be at this party on Friday night. Instead of listening to my heart, I listened to them, and I nearly lost you.

/Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters/

You were the very first person I opened up to, allowed to see the real person I was inside. You were the only one that knew my parents weren't my real parents. I was an orphan until age eight, living on the streets and being protected by an older boy named Solo. When he died, I got sent to an orphanage. From there I took the name Duo because I couldn't remember my real one. I was a mess when I was finally adopted. Angry, distant, and difficult to reach. My parents gave me everything, helped me be something, and for that I felt I owed them. I owed them to be what they wanted me to be. If I wasn't, I would let them down. So I couldn't be what I needed to be with you.

Yet you continued to help me through classes. We continued to be friends only when we weren't in sight of others. If someone saw us, I immediately wrote it off as studying and through it all you never said a word. I couldn't tell it hurt you because you didn't show me and I never looked close enough. I thought you understood my position, knew that I wasn't really being that way to slight you. I had a reputation to keep up, parents to impress, and friends to keep. It never occurred to me that I really was hurting you, that I was turning away the best friend I could ever possibly have. I was too shallow, and yes, too insecure. Because my identity was someone else's, not my own. It never occurred to me that I could live my life my own way and those that loved me the most, that really cared, would accept that.

To keep me safe, I blocked out what I actually felt. All I really felt for you was gratitude for helping me to get through Physics with an excellent mark. Those weekend evenings after work, spent in each other's rooms, talking, revealing our innermost dreams, our deepest secrets, meant nothing. There was no possible way I really needed you as a friend. There was certainly no possible way I needed you as something more. I wasn't gay. The great Duo Maxwell loved women. I had dated zillions of them. I couldn't be attracted, for the very first time in my life, to a guy. Especially not a nerd who would never fit into my world. My world. It never occurred to me that it wasn't my world, that I had hated it until you. Until you showed me what real living was.

You forced me to face it all one night. I remember how sick, how nervous you looked and how angry. You were tired of being pushed away, tired of being ignored, and tired of lying to yourself; tired of me lying to myself. I'll never forget the way you shattered in front of me, as I called you a freak and told you that there was no way in hell I was a homosexual. I was an athlete, one of the most popular guys in school. I wasn't... one of them. We made fun of those people. You could tell them a mile away, from how they walked, talked, and dressed. I wasn't one of those. Sure I had braid, because I liked long hair and I wanted to set a trend. But I didn't act feminine and I sure as hell didn't walk feminine. And I remembered yelling at you, that if this was why you invited me over all these times, so you could jump me, then you needed to get some psychological help.

You stood with you firsts clenched, your face white, and your eyes blazing and told me in a calm voice devoid of all emotion, "If you think, Duo Maxwell, that I would ever want to touch you after the way you just treated me, you are the one in need of psychological help. I will tell you, being 'gay' as you put it, isn't a sickness. You don't get rid of it with medicine. It's a part of who you are. If you can't accept that, if you can't accept the gift of someone's true love, instead of all those shallow, empty-headed girls you date, then fuck you. Fuck you. Now get the hell out of my house, and don't ever show your face here again! Because I don't want to be seen with someone like you."

And you had pointed with a trembling finger to your door.

I had been so stunned into speechlessness, floored by the feelings tearing me up inside, that I had been unable to reply. I left all the words I could have said, should have said, unspoken and fled.

As you ordered, I didn't come back. In class we barely tolerated each other's presence, and I had such a hard time coming to terms with my homosexuality that I was paranoid that anyone looking at me could see it. Like I had this big neon sign on my back that said 'gay' in flashing letters. My father would hate me, my mother would be shocked, my friends would abandon me. I'd get kicked off the baseball team, I'd lose my scholarship, and I'd be a pariah. I couldn't be gay. I couldn't.

/Trust I seek and I find in you
Everyday for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters/

For weeks it torn at my insides. It was all I could think of, that night, the look on your face, how empty and sick I had felt. There was no one for me to talk to. I had a fear that telling my parents would push them away. I couldn't lose them. They had given me so much. Me, a street rat, an orphan who beneath all this gloss was nothing more than a mutt. I lost weight, I was losing sleep, and everyone was starting to notice that something was wrong.

Since I kept denying it, my parents sent me to the doctor. He checked me over, said I was fine physically, but wondered how I was mentally. I cracked jokes, told him it was just that finals were nearing, the last game of the season was on me, and college loomed. He understood. He talked about the greatness of baseball for a half an hour after while I tuned him out and thought of you.

My grades might have fallen, had it not been for the fact that I needed something to focus on. I buried myself in sports, in homework, and in girls. I dated one right after the other, a new one every night, as if I was flaunting them in your face, saying 'see here, Wufei, I'm not gay.' But I was cracking. I watched you at lunch by your tree and ached to go sit with you. I hated myself when I looked in the mirror, because I was running from what I was, because I was disgusted with what I was, because I was tired of everyone around me. It felt like my world was falling apart, and that I could trust no one. I felt isolated, alone, and lost. And I was so close to contemplating suicide. Something I hadn't thought of since Solo's death.

Strange, but one day, saviors came in the form of three people. They called themselves friends of yours. Heero Yuy, the silent one, who watched me with hard eyes, as if he could look into my soul and see what a liar, what a false person I was. Trowa Barton, the blank one, whose words carried even less emotion than his face, and who I knew, was Heero's lover. You could see it in the way they stood so close together. And I was shocked at the spark of pain and jealousy their easiness with one another produced in me.

Then was Quatre Raberba Winner. I knew who he was. He was the richest kid in school, and very kind. I knew him vaguely, but we didn't really run in the same circles. He was popular, but he wasn't a jock. No, what he was, was well spoken, articulate, and very straight. He just knew his own mind, and apparently knew yours. Strange, but I had never seen you together with any of them. I guess because I was too busy looking at my own life, being blind, being self-centered, being me. I had only ever saw the world I created, the world I was expected to live in, and it never included you.

They found me after the last game, which we won, and I celebrated as fiercely as anyone with those false smiles I'm so very good at. I was sitting on the bleachers, the glove that caught the winning out in my hands. I turned if over and over, smelling the age of leather, feeling the rough texture, as my eyes were on the empty field, my mind crowded with many thoughts and my being somewhere with you.

"Duo Maxwell."

I had looked up. Saw them, silhouetted by the last of the light cast by the setting sun. Trowa, a form tall and thin, casting an equally slim shadow. Quatre, warm and smiling, despite what I bastard I'm sure he knew I was. Heero, remote and cold, his arms folded across his chest, but his side leaning into Trowa's.

"No autographs, okay guys, I'm all written out," I had joked, though my tone lacked the usual cheer.

"We aren't here for that," Quatre had begun gently.

"We're here to talk about Wufei," Heero went on to add bluntly.

I saw Quatre shoot him a look, but in Trowa I saw nothing.

I remember the fear that tightened around me like a strangle-hold at the thought that something had happened to you. I jumped up, stumbled across the bleachers, touched the edge of Quatre's sleeve, and asked, my eyes pleading with him, if you were all right.

His smile had been so kind.

"Physically, Wufei is fine. Emotionally, I would say he's as bad off as you."

I felt like crying. I wanted to break down and sob into Quatre's shirt, right in front of all these strangers. How could they come here bearing me no hostility after the way I had treated you? Despite how Trowa and Heero looked, I could tell they didn't hate me. Had they hated me, I could tell they wouldn't've bothered to hide it. But no. They had come simply to talk about you, to get my feelings for you out in the open, to inadvertently help me whether they meant to or not.

Tears had burned the back of my eyes, searing into my skull, as I swallowed against the lump in my throat and said, "I don't know what you mean."

"Don't be foolish," Trowa had interjected, his words level, soft.

"Look bud, I don't even know yo-"

"Are you homosexual or aren't you?" Heero had cut me off, his tone demanding.

"Heero," I remember Quatre chastising.

"It's a simple question, Quatre. I'm tired of Wufei moping. I want an answer."

I know I looked shocked. This whole thing was totally bizarre. Three complete strangers were asking, no demanding, that I tell them what my sexual orientation was. If I couldn't admit it to myself, I sure as hell wasn't going to admit it to them. There was no way.

Then Quatre had smiled at me again. He had taken my hand and said, "It's okay, Duo. You can't help who you love. But don't you think you owe it to Wufei and to yourself to look for the truth? Would you rather be unhappy for the rest of your life?"

I felt numb.

"But I'm not gay," I mumbled, feeling as if someone had pulled me into a tunnel, where I could see neither right or left, only in front of me.

"Right." Heero had mocked me with a smirk.

"What's wrong with being homosexual?" Trowa had asked.

"I... everyone would hate me. My friends... they would..." I had stuttered, looking around at all of them, willing them to understand though I knew the excuse sounded flimsy and weak even to my own ears.

"The people that truly care for you, will support you no matter what, Duo," Quatre had answered, his expression telling me that he was one of those people.

"But why? You don't even know me..."

"I know you would make Wufei happy, and that's enough," Trowa had told me for them all.

"But I was mean to him..."

"You were lost. We all are at some point," Heero had intoned with authority, surprising me with insight I hadn't thought he possessed.

"Do you want to be free?"

I had nodded, feeling like a marrionette with Heero at the strings.

"Then trust Wufei, trust yourself and your feelings."

I was so focused inward by that time, I hadn't even realized which of them was talking to me. All I knew then was that I had to find you. I had to tell you. I was homosexual. I didn't even like girls. I had denied my feelings for you because of my fear. But no longer; because suddenly I had support of people who understood, people who would be there for me and for you no matter what happened. And in my cowardice I found some strength, and it gave me what I needed to find you and show you the truth.

/Never cared for what they say
Never cared for games they play
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
And I know/

My glove still in my hands, I ran all the way to your house from the school. It was a mile away and it was nearing dark, but I didn't care. I had to tell you and I needed the time to think of what I would say once I got there. When I did, I knocked on your door, my heart in my throat, thinking that even that mile hadn't been enough. You answered the door, stared at me, and said nothing. I was so afraid you'd turn me away. Your face was a blank study in the pale light now offered by the moon. Looking closely, however, I had seen that like me, you had suffered. That was all my fault and I accepted the responsibility.

"Wufei, could I talk to you?" I had asked, my words uncertain.

"Why?" You had returned, giving me nothing.

"Please..."

So you came out onto your porch, shut the door behind you, folded your arms, and waited. I didn't know where to start. I was so nervous, so afraid. I didn't want to be rejected, I didn't know where to begin. You weren't like all the girls I had dated. You were smart and beautiful, and full of life. And in realizing that, I knew the best approach would be to just come right out and say it all. As much as I could without messing up.

"Wufei, I care for you. I think that I maybe even love you. I was stupid and I hurt you because I was scared. So if you don't like me, and don't want to... even be my friend, then I understand. I just... I needed to tell you."

My words had rushed together, one coming right after the other, lifting a burden as each one left my mouth. When it was all over, I felt free. Even if you didn't accept me it, I had at least told you. I had at least finally been true to myself.

Moments had passed, stretching into eternity.

I was afraid to even breathe. I was afraid to even move.

"Duo..."

Only my name. I could feel myself pulling in already, waiting for the inevitable.

Without warning you had grabbed me, pulled me into a hug, and held me there. I was shocked, but only for so long. Relief had been close on its heels and awareness. For the first time, I felt attracted to someone, warmed by their nearness, and when we shared our first kiss there on your porch it had been as if it was the only kiss I'd ever experienced.

That was our beginning. A very rough one. Especially the next day at school.

Both of us had been a little scared and more than a bit nervous. But we had walked, hand in hand, down the hall for everyone to see, and waited to find out who was our friends were.

I found out quickly. I lost a lot, but I gained more than I ever had before. Most of my friends wouldn't tolerate it and severed ties with me completely and immediately. Luckily I couldn't be kicked off the baseball team. After all, the season was over. They couldn't deny my scholarship because I was homosexual. They could just snub me. And I didn't give a damn. Because I no longer cared what they, my shallow, blind friends thought. No, they weren't my friends. I had my friends, the ones that stood by me and supported me.

They could think what they wanted, think they knew everything, but only I knew. I knew that I loved you and that was all that mattered. It was all that ever would.

/So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
No nothing else matters/

I get up from the table I'm writing at in the college campus library, and take your hand. Trowa, Heero, and Quatre join us, each carrying bookbags that look like they stuffed their lives in there. We tease Quatre about this girl that has her eye on him, and he flushes a very cute shade of pink.

As we walk down the hall toward our classrooms, more people join us. We talk about upcoming dances, about upcoming baseballs games, and about how our parents are coming down to visit us this weekend. Mine took admitting my sexual orientation hard, but they still supported me. I know I won't have their complete approval ever, but it's enough to know they want me to be happy.

I look at you, smile as the warmth from your eyes touches me, and squeeze your hand before we separate to head to our classes. It hasn't been easy and I know it won't be still. But that is a risk I am now willing to take. Yes, I know I love you, I know I trust you with all my heart and soul, with everything I am, and nothing else matters.