Marisol needed to get out of Toronto. To get away from the good memories and the bad. So much had happened in a matter of months and most of it had been hard. She'd lost everything she cared about. The on person she knew for certain she loved was across an ocean. She needed him back.
So she decided to go there.
Cook had logged onto his computer for the first time in what felt like forever. Paddy was back as their moms place, after she'd gone to rehab and gotten the okay to get him back. Cook could have had gone back as well but he decided not to. Scrolling through his dash he eventually made plans with Marisol, which wasn't something he had planned for the day. Scratching his head he shut the lid to his laptop and walked over to his dresser.
Normally he would have just grabbed anything and slipped it on, but this was a little bit different. He wasn't sure why, but he was a little nervous for this meetup. Maybe it was because he hadn't seen her in a while, or maybe it was because he hadn't been eating much lately and had lost a huge amount of weight since she'd last seen him back in Toronto. No matter what it was, he decided to just put on a loose fitting t-shirt and jeans in hopes that she wouldn't notice his dramatic weight loss.
It didn't take him long to walk to the pub as he'd become quite accustomed to getting there. He spent a lot of time there, actually. Sitting down at a table more so near the corner, the bartender immediately sent over his usual drink. He sat there with his back turned to the door as he waited.
She was so ridiculously scared for this moment. It hadn't been on her agenda, seeing as he'd left the country and all, but Marisol was trying this new thing where she was trying to stop worrying so much about everything and everyone. She needed to focus on herself, which definitely wasn't typical. But in order to do that, she had to get rid of all the guilt, and this was at the top of her list.
In her days in Bristol, she hadn't bothered to keep anything organized. Normally everything would be put away, but she honestly couldn't care less. It was a hotel room; it wasn't like she would be staying for much longer. She went to her suitcase for something clean, and quickly put on a tank top and a pair of khaki cargos. She'd gotten the directions from Frankie, feeling too awkward to call Cook for them. It wasn't any less awkward to call Frankie since they'd hooked up, but she had to much dignity to call Cook.
Hailing a cab, she gave the location to the driver and laid her head back against the seat. She would have been freaking out, but the terrible smell of the cab, a combination of cat piss and vomit, was keeping her focused. She didn't know what to expect from this. A part of her was dreading seeing him because she didn't want to come in and shake everything up if he was in a good place. She didn't want to dump everything that had happened in the past month on him.
The cab pulled up and she payed the driver and climbed out. She looked at the pub, extremely intimidated by the plain building. "Don't be stupid." she told herself, walking in. She looked around the place, looking for Cook's frame in the crowd, and not finding it. She hoped desperately he hadn't decided not to come.
Cook had finished his beer and looked around the pub, there weren't many people there for a Sunday night, so he had hoped that she hadn't gotten lost. He probably should have offered to give her directions seeing as she probably wasn't very familiar with Bristol yet. He took another look around still not seeing her. He decided to order one more beer and if she still wasn't here he would leave.
He stood up and this time walked over to the bar, figuring he'd waste some time talking to bartender. "Cook m'boy, you look like hell." Cook waved him off. "Feel like it, too." He shrugged getting another drink. "Just waiting for someone." He explained for no particular reason. "Oh, one of the lasses you've been with for the past few weeks?"
"Nah." He shook his head. "Someone from Toronto. If she can even recognize me." He shielded his eyes to the light as the door opened.
Marisol prayed that he would be angry with her. She was so done with people having sympathy for her, and she certainly didn't deserve it from him. She did another once-over and then spotted him, her breath catching in her throat. He looked rough. She knew he'd taken it hard, but he looked gaunt, eyes sunken in, and cheek bones prevalent. And it seemed like he'd lost some weight, which couldn't be healthy, seeing as he'd been thin before.
She mustered her courage and walked over to the bar, where he was standing. Marisol breathed a 'hey', not really knowing whether or not she was heard or if it would be acceptable to give him a hug. It seemed like they both needed it.
Cook turned slightly when he heard her and looked up. "Hey." He forced a smile. "Long time no see." He stood and hugged her before pulling away and grabbing his beer. He didn't care how it looked, he was going to make it seem as if he was unphased by everything that had happened. He sat back down at the table and looked up at her as he motioned to the chair across from him. "So what's been going on since you got here?"
She tried to hold in the hug, even though she hadn't expected it. He walked away from her, and she knit her eyebrows behind his back. Maybe it wasn't as bad as she'd been told. She followed him to the table and sat down, back straight and off the chair. She crossed her ankles and clasped her hands under the table. "Well, I went to my first Bristol rave, and Taylor was entirely right- things are way more intense here." She decided not to mention that she'd hooked up with Frankie, feeling that it was irrelevant. "How've things been here? Is Paddy okay?"
"Oh things are great!" He exclaimed, knowing that she'd see right through it. "Paddy is good, back with mom. I see him a lot." He nodded, wanting everything to seem perfect, even if he hadn't seen Paddy in months. "Yeah, we're intense here. Sometimes a little too much, but you'll get used to it." He took another big drink of his beer, knowing he wasn't acting normal anymore. "So how long are you here for?"
Cook never acted like this, not even on his best days. He wasn't his usual snarky self, which she had assumed he would still be regardless of what had happened. She knew he was lying; the question was, should she call him out on it? She decided no. "That's good. I'm glad things are better with your mom. And I'd say I'll stay another few days. Maybe longer." She said. She knew it would probably get out eventually, but she thought she should be the one to tell him. "Jace is moving to Toronto. That's another reason I've been here for as long as I have."
Cook nodded again. "Oh yeah, mom is great. Fantastic really. No problems on my end." He scratched his arm, which was weird. He wasn't on anything but was sure acting like it. "Oh he is? That's not good, sorry to hear about it. Maybe your boyfriend Fitzy boy will take care of him." He knew that was harsh but he couldn't help it.
Marisol couldn't say it didn't hurt, but she also couldn't say that she didn't deserve it either. She kept a straight face, but she couldn't help the single tear that escaped her eye. "We're not dating. And we never really were." She said quietly, silently begging him not to ask her about what had gone on in the past two weeks. She didn't want to have to rehash it, seeing as karma had already made her it's bitch, and she wasn't going to take it from him, too. She knew she'd done him wrong, and while she didn't want to have to relive it, she knew she deserved it.
"Could have fooled me." He shook his head. "Usually when you cheat on your boyfriend, it's a dead giveaway that you want someone else. So call me crazy for thinking that you two dated." He shrugged and sat back finishing his beer. He was gonna get another, but decided against it.
"Listen, Cook. I need you to understand something, okay? I loved you. I still do, but now it's different. I loved you as much as I possibly could, as much as I was physically capable of doing. With Fitz it was different. There was this whole new… level, of emotions. Ones that I'd never felt with you. And as much as you don't want to hear it, I loved him more than you." She said, leaning forward, trying to seem like she was angry, but she was more sad than anything. "And besides, he was still in a relationship too, you know. And now he's gone back to her. So karma, you know. It fucking hates me." She said, leaning back again. She looked away from him and wiped the tears away.
"Yeah well you deserved it." He shrugged. "Because I loved you, I did. I've only loved two people ever and you were one of them, congrats. Then you broke my heart, and I came here. Now you're here as well. Cool." He leaned back in his chair honestly not giving a fuck anymore what he said.
She looked at him in shock. "…You honestly think I don't know that I deserve it? That I don't know how much I hurt the two of you? I gave myself hell for what I did to you. I took all the shit that everyone gave me for it, and I absolutely believed that I deserved every singe bit of it. But you can't possibly think that this was entirely my fault." She said, not wanting to play that card; it was apparent that he was going to force her to.
"Well it sure as hell isn't my fault at all." He sat back and looked at her. He hadn't cheated or done anything of the sort, and he wasn't taking the blame for any of this. "You can blame whoever the fuck you want for it but apparently I just wasn't enough for you and your new found love that you had." He stressed the past tense as he threw some money on the bar and left.
She followed him out, screaming profanities at him and continuing down the road. "It's not your fault at all huh? Okay, that makes a whole lot of sense." She stopped walking. "I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING!I opened my heart to you. I understand that I hurt you, but I don't want to hurt because of you anymore!" She hoped she caught his attention, because she certainly wasn't done talking.
Cook turned around. "Then don't feel bad about it anymore. I don't care, I'm over it. All of Bristol knows I've moved on!" He glared right back at her. "Ask anyone, I've hooked up with half of the fuckin town by now! I'm over it, over it, over everything!" He shook his head and turned back around, walking towards his house.
She ran at him, tugging his arm her way. She resented that she still felt how she did, because he obviously didn't care. He didn't turn toward her. "Look at me." She said, but he didn't comply. "Look at me, god damn it!" He did. "You never called me beautiful. Not once in the entire time I've known you. You could hardly look at me when I got out of the hospital, after Jace. I loved you, don't ever doubt that. I loved you so much, but it wasn't enough. And now I'm completely shattered because of it. I'm so fucked up, I went to the best psychiatrist in this city, and he gave me a full refund and told me not to come back. I suck, I'm a terrible person, and I know it. I'm completely worthless, and I haven't amounted to anything in my entire life, and I'll probably end up with some illegitimate kid that I beat everyday because I can't help it because that's how I've been raised. Did I tell you Jace got me pregnant? Oh, yeah, you weren't in Toronto. He did. I took care of it. I'm strong. I know that I am. But I don't know if I'll be able to take you hating me. I can take everyone else's shit, but not yours. So please." She said. He wouldn't look at her, and it killed her, so she did something she knew he'd be mad about. She pulled him toward her and kissed him. If anything it was to get his attention, but somehow it felt like more than that.
Cook just stood there and listened while she talked. He wasn't looking at her or even really caring for that much. He just stood there listening until he felt her lips against his. Sure it had surprised him but that didn't stop him from pulling her closer and kissing her right back. She sure had his attention now, not that it mattered since he still wasn't going to fight with her anymore. Finally he pulled away from her, a little unsure of how to react.
She looked at him, surprised that he'd pulled her closer. She stood there, not knowing whether or not to walk away or jump him right then and there. "…Let's go." She said, pulling him again, the way he had been going. She had no clue what the hell she was doing, all she knew was that she had this horrible loneliness that had been present since he left. She needed it gone.
Cook nodded. "Uh, y-yeah." He followed behind her as she drug him along. Once he realized that he was actually headed towards his house he took the lead and led her there. Walking up to the front door, he unlocked it and walked inside and pulled her in with him.
Once they got inside, she kissed him hungrily. She'd missed this, and him. She missed everything about him, now that she thought about it. She tugged at his shirt, and noticed how thin he really was, but he didn't seem weak. She kicked off her shoes and jumped into his arms, and he ran his hands down her back and pulled her shirt off as well, as he carried her to his room.
Cook picked and kissed her again as he walked into his room with her. Not bothering with lights or anything he walked straight over to his bed and dropped her onto it and then climbed in himself as he pulled her back over to him, reattaching his mouth to hers.
She reached down between them and unbuttoned his pants as she kissed his neck. "This is so entirely stupid." She said between kisses. Her body hummed with anticipation. She knew that this shouldn't be happening, that she should not be in this position right now, but it felt so good. It felt right, and nothing had in weeks.
Cook pulled away as she talked. "Just shut up for a sec." He smirked and leaned down, kissing her again as he trailed his hands down her side, unbuttoning her pants, sliding them off and tossing them to the side.
She was tempted to say 'Now that's the James Cook I know.' but she decided against it. "You know about my rambling problem." She smiled, thinking back. She just wanted to enjoy this moment, because it seemed like everything was back to the way it used to be between them, even when in reality, everything was so fucked up. And she didn't care how many women he'd slept with since he'd been back in Bristol, or about all the bullshit she'd have to deal with when she got back home. She knew she wouldn't regret this. Marisol slowly, torturously, raked her fingernails down his back, the way she knew drove him absolutely crazy, gaining a hiss from him. Right? This was definitely right.
Cook rolled over afterwards and stood up, putting his boxers on as he rubbed the back of his neck. He wasn't sure of what to do now, it was just kind of awkward as he stood there.
Marisol stayed where she was and stared up at the ceiling, not quite knowing how to put what she was feeling into words yet. She sat up and started to clothe herself, trying to think of something to say. "I loved you, you know. I still do." she said, as she slipped on her tank top.
"Yeah." He nodded. "And I never stopped." He wasn't sure how she would react to that, but it probably wouldn't be any way that he was expecting. He just sat down on the edge of the bed.
She slipped on her pants, and crawled across the bed to wrap her arms around him from behind. "Neither did I." She said, leaning her head on his shoulder."What does this mean?" she asked, longing to know what he thought.
Cook shook his head and turned back to look over at her. "I'm not sure.." He trailed off. "I mean I don't know, I didn't think we'd ever speak again, then you started yelling at me, then this just happened." He sighed and looked at her. "What are you thinking?"
"I'm thinking about all the good we've had together. I'm done with bad, in general, really, not just with us." She said, sitting next to him. She clutched his hand. "I'm so sorry for everything. I felt so awful for what I did, and I absolutely hated myself for hurting you. And now, I'm so completely broken, irreparable. Untouchable."
Cook sighed and sat back onto his bed. "You're beautiful Mar." He confirmed it, even though Megan is totes positive that he has said it before. "I just don't know, I don't want a relationship again, not yet. And I don't wanna move back to Toronto."
"I wasn't asking for that. I don't even know that I'm ready for that. With anyone, not just you." She turned over to him and kissed him. "And thank you." She wasn't sure she even wanted to go back to Toronto, what with everything that had gone on. She certainly didn't want to leave Bristol now, not when things might be getting better between them.
Cook laid back onto his bed as he moved her to sit on him, which was more of her straddling his waist. "I just don't want to go back at all. You can go back but I have no need to. I don't have friends."
"To be honest? I hardly want to go back. There's too much there for me to bear. To painful, and it's not just this whole thing with Fitz. It's my dad, and my mom and my brother, and all of it. I can't handle it any more. I feel like I'm going crazy." she said, wrapping her arms around his torso, and leaning her head down to nuzzle his neck.
Cook just laid there and listened to her as he put his arms around her. "Don't leave then, stay here." He nodded. "Not like here, here. But like in Bristol, why go back?" He shrugged and looked down at her.
She looked at him, and saw he was being sincere. "I'll think about it. Well, I've been thinking about it." She said. "I think it may be better for me here. Easier. There aren't so many monsters under my bed." She said, laughing.
"Aren't as many people that actually give a fuck." He shrugged again as he yawned and pulled a pillow off from the top of the bed, laying it under his head. "Legit though, people here don't care."
"That's not necessarily a bad thing. I've been trying this new thing where I only worry about myself, and everyone else can just go on somewhere." She explained, tracing patterns on his chest.
Cook nodded. "That sounds like a good plan. It'll do you wonders actually." He looked down at her and the patterns as he smiled.
"Hope so. I'm so sick of being broken. It gets to a point where you're like a video game that's been scratched a million times: you can only fill in the scratches so many times before the game quits working all together." She said, not really thinking about the analogy. "Oh, my god I just told you I was like a video game. That's almost as bad as being a starfish." She said, covering her face with her hand and shaking her head.
Cook shook his head as he laughed. "Wow, good thing I'm used to you being weird." He laughed again and shook his head looking down at her. "Starfish aren't that bad, reminds me of SpongeBob."
"Patrick," she corrected, "And I'm not that weird. You just have a really bad habit of making me say weird things." she said, pinching him. She remembered how they'd come to the starfish thing, before they'd ever hooked up or really even knew anything about each other. She had been so enchanted by him, and she felt like she'd been such a little girl back then.
Cook shook his head as he moved he hand away. "Don't pinch me." He wiggled under a little but trying to move away. He had lost a lot of weight, but not the muscle. She wasn't just pinching fat anymore, and it kind of hurt.
"I'm sorry." She said, kissing where she'd pinched. "Have you been eating enough? I'm sort of worried about you." She asked. He looked frail; not fragile, but still frail none the less. It wasn't normal, and it couldn't have been healthy.
"Uh, yeah." He nodded, obviously lying. "I am, you know, eating whenever I get hungry and stuff." He scratched his head and looked away not wanting to make solid eye contact with her.
"You're a terrible liar. Three meals a day from here on in, and if I have to be here to cook them, by god, I'll do it." She said, tapping his nose. She was sincerely worried about him, and she had been since the day he left. "Can I ask you something?"
"I'm not hungry." He shook his head as his stomach talked for him. "Ignore that, I'm really just not hungry at all. Really." He forced a smile. "I'm fine, really."
"You're scaring me. You need to eat. It's not healthy." She said, but she knew it wasn't going to get her anywhere for the moment. "But, what I was going to ask. How bad was it? When you got here? After you left, I mean?" She'd been curious, seeing as when she wrote to Paddy, he'd said that Cook cried a lot. She wasn't going to push it, but she was morbidly curious.
"Bad." He looked away from her, not wanting to admit to it. "Really bad, I couldn't take care of anything. Not Paddy, not myself, I couldn't hold a job, no one wanted to be seen with me or even look at me." He sighed. "I blamed myself for everything, even things here that didn't involve me.."
She listened to him, letting a few tears fall on his chest. "Look at me." She said, and he complied. "I'm so sorry that you felt that way. I'm sorry for everything, and I hate that I hurt you. You didn't deserve that." She tried to explain, but it seemed that everything was hitting her again, and she couldn't help but let out a few sobs.
"Stop." He shook his head. "Don't cry. It's all fine. Obviously I'm over it, as you can tell." He nodded and looked down at her. "Everything it better now." He leaned down and wiped her face.
Her eyebrows knitted together. "I love you. And I never should have done what I did." She said, curling into him. She felt safe for once, like she had nothing to fear. She knew it wasn't fair to act like she was acting, but she couldn't help it.
Cook shrugged and laid back. "Just stop. I'm over it, and it's fine. No use in bringing it back up. No one wants to relive it, no one wants to hear about it again. Let's just drop it."
Marisol rolled over, curling up on her side. "I still love you, though…" She whispered, knowing it was barely audible. She immediately regretted pulling away from him. The loss of contact was hardly bearable.
"I know." He said softly, looking over at her but not touching her. "I still love you too.." He kept his voice quiet, he wasn't sure why though. He wasn't really hiding it from anyone.
She rolled back over, not saying anything at all. She scooted closer and put one hand on his stomach, the other into his left hand. She kissed his cheek, reassured about her feelings. She hadn't quite figured out if things would go back to the way they were before or not, but it seemed they were headed toward a better place.
"I'm tired." He looked down at her. "Can we just go to sleep, or at least just me if you're not staying?" He pullled the blankets up as he laid his head back onto the pillow; yawning again.
"You don't mind that I stay?" She asked him, hoping he wouldn't, because she was not only sick of sleeping alone, but she was also scared of taking a cab to her hotel this late.
"Nah I don't mind as long as you let me sleep." He laughed and rolled over, making more room for her.
She climbed into the bed with him, and snaked an arm around his too-thin waist. "G'night then."