The ability to compartmentalize your emotions is a requirement for all intelligence officers. It's the only way that they can block out all the pain, anger, and fear that this job can generate so that they can remain focused upon the task at hand. Such as when the man they love is on an airplane armed to explode.
It sounds difficult but in reality it's much easier than what happens when the danger subsides. When your life and the lives of those that you love are in danger you don't have time to think about anything other than doing everything you can to end the threat. But when it's over and the focus disappears you're left wandering in a forest of "almosts" and "what ifs." You see every moment when the situation could have taken a completely different turn if only you'd done or in many cases hadn't done something different.
It's a horrible feeling, realizing just how close you've come to losing a loved one, especially when it's your fault. When I realized that Ryan was going to kill all of us along with Vaughn and the people on that plane because I foolishly revealed that I was Julia Thorne I felt sick. I didn't have to tell him that. I don't know why I told him anything. But whatever the reason we were almost killed. Because of me.
Of course I didn't have time to consider all that when it happened. All I had was five minutes. And after that it was hours and hours of debriefs and coordinating with various governments and writing reports until I felt both numb and somehow anxious. I wanted to run and scream and curl up into a ball and not move for a week all at the same time. But I couldn't so as always I focused on the work until finally I was cleared to go home. That should have been an inviting prospect but when it's an empty house that after six months still doesn't fell like home it becomes just one more reminder of how lost I feel.
I try to hold on at least until I'm safely hidden in my car driving away but I can't. I can feel it building with every step and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I see all the worst-case scenarios and fell all the emotions that I've suppressed since all of this began and it finally gets to be too much. Like a riptide pulling me under I no longer have the strength to struggle against it and by the time I get to my car I'm completely overwhelmed.
I almost lost him. I made a mistake and he was almost killed. We both were. And with so much left unresolved. While it was happening I just kept thinking that this isn't how it's supposed to be. This can't be the way the story ends.
These thoughts run in a loop through my mind reminding me over and over again of this horrible gulf that exists between us. It shouldn't be like this. Even though he's married we should be able to find a way to make this work. But what if we can't? What if this is it? I know I love him and he loves me but what does that mean when he's married to her?
I can feel the tears begin to fall and I know the sobs will soon overtake me. I hate it when I cry. I feel so weak and helpless. I want to be stronger than this. I need to be stronger. But I just can't do it. It's too much. I can't even hold myself up. I have to lean against my car for support. Of course if this were before I could lean against him, find comfort and strength in his arms. If only that options were still available to me. If only he were here.
The sound of a car invades my thoughts and I quickly do what I can to wipe away the tears. I'm Sydney Bristow. I have a reputation to uphold. Turning to face the new arrival for a quick goodbye so that I can go home and cry in peace my heart stops. It's him. Alive and looking at me like he always used to, with loving care and concern. I want to apologize. I want to tell him how scared I was. How stupid I felt. How much I love him. I try but all I can manage is a single word:
"Vaughn."
------------------------------
I barely took the time to hand Sark over to the French before I boarded a plane to LA. I've come close to death before but this was different. You can always think of things you wish you would have said or done but for the most part I've been fairly satisfied with my choices in life. At least until now.
Even Korea wasn't as bad because she was with me and I had the chance to let her know how I felt before the end. This time I was thousands of miles away and I had no idea what she knew or how she felt. I had so many questions. Did she know? In a way I told her in Korea but then I came right back to my wife like nothing ever happened. What if she had doubts? What if she died not knowing just how much I loved her?
I didn't have much time to think about that while I was diffusing the bomb or fighting Sark but on that long flight home I could think of nothing else. Over and over again the questions pummeled me. I needed to know. I needed her to know. I needed to see her.
And then I talked to Weiss and he told me everything. I know Syd so when I heard about Ryan and his brother my heart sank. There would be no end to the amount of torture she'd put herself through because of this. It didn't matter that it wasn't her fault. She'd still make herself sick with guilt.
That knowledge only made my need to see her grow. It didn't matter that I was married. It didn't matter that there was so much left between us that needed to be discussed. All that mattered was that she was in pain and had no one to comfort her. Sure, she had her father but as she was with everyone else she felt that she had to be strong with him, show him how tough he was. Only with me could she ever let go, be herself, be tired, lonely, afraid.
That sounds self-centered but it's my job to be there for her when she needs me and I've never felt comfortable leaving that up to anyone else. But I have. I've failed. How could I be so stupid? So insensitive? She needed me and where the hell have I been? And what if she doesn't need me anymore? What if it's too late for us? What if this is how it ends?
I race from the airport, hoping to find her still at work. I don't know if I can go to her house. Not because I'm afraid of how Lauren would feel but because I don't know if Syd would want me there. And her rejection is much more frightening to me than my wife's anger.
I pull in quickly and I see her standing by her car, her shoulders shaking, her head down. My heart aches for her. I get out of my car and walk toward her. I want to run, sweep her into my arms, and never let go but I don't. I can't. What if she doesn't want that from me anymore? What if she doesn't want me? But then she turns around and answers all of my doubts with a single word:
"Vaughn."
-------------------------
I barely hear him say, "C'mere" before his arms are around me. His hands press themselves into me, holding me tighter than I can ever remember. He's so strong, the one source of security, the only stability I have in this violent unpredictable world. Yet he's also gentle and kind, his hands caressing my hair, my back, whispering comforting nonsense in my ear. He's such a contrast of power and grace. I'd almost forgotten that. But it all comes rushing back the moment his arms around me. Here with him nothing else matters. I'm safe. I'm home.
---------------------------
I rush toward her, whispering an almost silent, "C'mere," beckoning her to me, needing to hold her in my arms until all her tears have dried and all my fears are gone. So much of my life is filled with confusion. I don't know what to do or say anymore. I feel awkward and ungainly like a teenager, all limbs, unable to coordinate even the simplest of actions. But in the midst of all my doubts I do have this, the one thing I know to be unequivocal. I can be here for her.
Why I haven't done this for her until now I'll never know. I was so lost when she came back. Or more exactly I finally found myself again but I'd been lost for so long that I didn't know who I was anymore. How could I have forgotten? The way she said my name as I walked toward her said it all. This is who I am. This is what I do. This is where I belong.
------------------------------
I'm not sure how long I'm in his arms but when I move my head against his right shoulder I can feel something under his clothes. It's bulky and crinkles. I'm confused for a moment but then I remember and I quickly pull away.
"Vaughn, your shoulder! I'm so sorry. Why didn't you say something?"
"Syd, it's okay. It's not that bad. See?"
He moves his arm around to demonstrate, trying and failing to hide a slight wince as he does so.
"Still, I'm sorry. For that and..."
My voice catches in my throat. He's just looking at me like he always does and maybe that's the problem. Even the way he listens renders me speechless. Again I'm overwhelmed by the thought of all I almost lost. Because of a single stupid thoughtless mistake.
-------------------------------
Her voice trails off and I know exactly what she's thinking. I hate it when she does this. How can she blame herself? How can she think that I would?
"Sydney, stop. You don't need to apologize."
"But Vaughn..."
"Weiss told me everything. There's no way that you could have known."
"But I should have. His brother was murdered by the Covenant while I was working as an assassin for them. I can't believe I didn't make the connection."
"It's not as if you were the only person working for them."
"Still, I didn't have to tell him. I should have at least held back on telling him that I'm Julia Thorne. I don't even know why I did it. I guess I just hoped that by helping him to understand that I hated the Covenant as much as he did that he'd be willing to help me."
I hate watching her struggle with this. Even now, even though she basically knows what happened during the last two years she's still terrified of what she might not know, who she was and who she is. She may have her doubts but I don't. She's Sydney. She'll always be Sydney to me. If only I could convince her of that.
"What's wrong with that?"
"What's wrong? I almost got all of us killed."
"But that wasn't your intention."
"Do you honestly think that that matters?"
"Yes."
-------------------------------
I'm startled by the conviction he manages to infuse into that one syllable. Where he was listening patiently and speaking evenly before now he's much more forceful and intense. He's even taken a step toward me and not once have his eyes left mine. I don't know how to respond. But then his face softens and he shakes his head.
"Syd, this life, what we do, it makes it easy to think that the end result is all that matters when in facts it's our methods that make us who we are."
"Then what does that make me? I killed Ryan's brother and who knows how many other people for the Covenant."
"Not for the Covenant. To save yourself. To stop them."
"Something tells me that Ryan wouldn't agree with you?"
"What do I care if a man that was willing to murder 200 innocent people to kill one in an act of revenge doesn't agree with me? I don't give a damn about him. Or his brother, who was not an innocent victim in any sense of either word. All I care about is you. And you have to stop this."
"I wish I knew how. I wish I didn't care so much but I do. I can't help it. I don't know why."
"I'm not asking you to stop caring. I just want you to realize that it's okay to care. It's okay to be emotional and make mistakes. Because the alternative... Don't confuse cynicism with strength. It's easy to shut down, push everything and everyone away. It's much harder to do what we do without going numb. It's a part of who you are that I admire the most."
"Seriously? I mean, look at me. Falling apart in the parking garage. I couldn't even make it home. Some spy I am."
"Syd, after everything you've been through it's perfectly understandable."
"But I'm not the only one. What about my dad? Or Dixon? Or you? You're all fine."
"No. We're not. We're burying ourselves in work so that we don't have to think about it. But that doesn't mean we aren't affected. When your dad gets home you and I both know that he's going to have a good strong drink or two. And Dixon's going to hug his kids harder than he has in a long time. And Marshall is going to hold Mitchell until his arms go numb. We all cope in our own ways."
"And what are you going to do?"
"Me? I'm going to go home, take one of those pain pills the French medic was so kind to give me, and sleep until my body remembers what time zone it's in."
"Oh, Vaughn. I didn't even think about that. You must be exhausted. What are you even doing here? I'm sure Dixon would've let you go home and rest before coming in to make your report."
-----------------------------
I look at her looking at me. She honestly cannot understand why I'm here. It hurts. Doesn't she know how much I needed to see her? How scared I was? I want to tell her, let her know that even as tired as I was I didn't sleep for a single second on the flight home because I was too worried about her. That I don't want to wait until it's too late before we do something about this situation. That I spent what I believed to be the last seconds of my life thinking about her. I want to say all that and more but I can't. The only answers that comes to my lips is:
"I just needed to come here first."
-----------------------------
The words are simple, innocent, and yet his eyes and his tone reveal so much more that that. At least I think they do. Before I would have been certain but now there's simply too much between us for me to be sure.
-----------------------------
Her eyes light up the second I finish speaking but only for a moment. Then I can see the clouds of doubt begin to gather. It pains me to know that she doesn't know how much I care about her anymore. That trust that seemed to come so easily before is gone. I've tried to rebuild it. I've tried to tell her but I don't know how anymore. I don't' know how to do anything. I need to think of something, anything I can do to let her know that I never once stopped caring about her. But it's all I can do to nod and hope that she understands that I mean every word I'm unable to say.
------------------------------
How can he clear away all my doubts with a single look and a simple nod? His eyes, always so expressive, tell me everything I could ever want to know. He needed to see me just as much as I needed to see him. He wasn't holding on as tight as he was just for my benefit. He has regrets, words he wants to say, feelings he needs to express. But he can't.
Maybe he's right. Maybe intentions do matter. Because even though I don't know why he can't just knowing that he wants to is enough for now. Perhaps I'd be better off if I didn't feel that way because then I could move on with my life instead of waiting for things between us to change. But that hug and the way he's looking at me is enough to convince me that we're not over yet. There's still hope.
-------------------------------
She smiles slightly as she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and I start to breathe again. She understands. Of course she does. She always has. And she hasn't let go. I return the smile and she hugs me quickly before excusing herself to go home. Watching her drive off I feel better than I have in weeks, months, years. It's going to be okay. We're going to make it through this. Time hasn't run out on us quite yet.
THE END
It sounds difficult but in reality it's much easier than what happens when the danger subsides. When your life and the lives of those that you love are in danger you don't have time to think about anything other than doing everything you can to end the threat. But when it's over and the focus disappears you're left wandering in a forest of "almosts" and "what ifs." You see every moment when the situation could have taken a completely different turn if only you'd done or in many cases hadn't done something different.
It's a horrible feeling, realizing just how close you've come to losing a loved one, especially when it's your fault. When I realized that Ryan was going to kill all of us along with Vaughn and the people on that plane because I foolishly revealed that I was Julia Thorne I felt sick. I didn't have to tell him that. I don't know why I told him anything. But whatever the reason we were almost killed. Because of me.
Of course I didn't have time to consider all that when it happened. All I had was five minutes. And after that it was hours and hours of debriefs and coordinating with various governments and writing reports until I felt both numb and somehow anxious. I wanted to run and scream and curl up into a ball and not move for a week all at the same time. But I couldn't so as always I focused on the work until finally I was cleared to go home. That should have been an inviting prospect but when it's an empty house that after six months still doesn't fell like home it becomes just one more reminder of how lost I feel.
I try to hold on at least until I'm safely hidden in my car driving away but I can't. I can feel it building with every step and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I see all the worst-case scenarios and fell all the emotions that I've suppressed since all of this began and it finally gets to be too much. Like a riptide pulling me under I no longer have the strength to struggle against it and by the time I get to my car I'm completely overwhelmed.
I almost lost him. I made a mistake and he was almost killed. We both were. And with so much left unresolved. While it was happening I just kept thinking that this isn't how it's supposed to be. This can't be the way the story ends.
These thoughts run in a loop through my mind reminding me over and over again of this horrible gulf that exists between us. It shouldn't be like this. Even though he's married we should be able to find a way to make this work. But what if we can't? What if this is it? I know I love him and he loves me but what does that mean when he's married to her?
I can feel the tears begin to fall and I know the sobs will soon overtake me. I hate it when I cry. I feel so weak and helpless. I want to be stronger than this. I need to be stronger. But I just can't do it. It's too much. I can't even hold myself up. I have to lean against my car for support. Of course if this were before I could lean against him, find comfort and strength in his arms. If only that options were still available to me. If only he were here.
The sound of a car invades my thoughts and I quickly do what I can to wipe away the tears. I'm Sydney Bristow. I have a reputation to uphold. Turning to face the new arrival for a quick goodbye so that I can go home and cry in peace my heart stops. It's him. Alive and looking at me like he always used to, with loving care and concern. I want to apologize. I want to tell him how scared I was. How stupid I felt. How much I love him. I try but all I can manage is a single word:
"Vaughn."
------------------------------
I barely took the time to hand Sark over to the French before I boarded a plane to LA. I've come close to death before but this was different. You can always think of things you wish you would have said or done but for the most part I've been fairly satisfied with my choices in life. At least until now.
Even Korea wasn't as bad because she was with me and I had the chance to let her know how I felt before the end. This time I was thousands of miles away and I had no idea what she knew or how she felt. I had so many questions. Did she know? In a way I told her in Korea but then I came right back to my wife like nothing ever happened. What if she had doubts? What if she died not knowing just how much I loved her?
I didn't have much time to think about that while I was diffusing the bomb or fighting Sark but on that long flight home I could think of nothing else. Over and over again the questions pummeled me. I needed to know. I needed her to know. I needed to see her.
And then I talked to Weiss and he told me everything. I know Syd so when I heard about Ryan and his brother my heart sank. There would be no end to the amount of torture she'd put herself through because of this. It didn't matter that it wasn't her fault. She'd still make herself sick with guilt.
That knowledge only made my need to see her grow. It didn't matter that I was married. It didn't matter that there was so much left between us that needed to be discussed. All that mattered was that she was in pain and had no one to comfort her. Sure, she had her father but as she was with everyone else she felt that she had to be strong with him, show him how tough he was. Only with me could she ever let go, be herself, be tired, lonely, afraid.
That sounds self-centered but it's my job to be there for her when she needs me and I've never felt comfortable leaving that up to anyone else. But I have. I've failed. How could I be so stupid? So insensitive? She needed me and where the hell have I been? And what if she doesn't need me anymore? What if it's too late for us? What if this is how it ends?
I race from the airport, hoping to find her still at work. I don't know if I can go to her house. Not because I'm afraid of how Lauren would feel but because I don't know if Syd would want me there. And her rejection is much more frightening to me than my wife's anger.
I pull in quickly and I see her standing by her car, her shoulders shaking, her head down. My heart aches for her. I get out of my car and walk toward her. I want to run, sweep her into my arms, and never let go but I don't. I can't. What if she doesn't want that from me anymore? What if she doesn't want me? But then she turns around and answers all of my doubts with a single word:
"Vaughn."
-------------------------
I barely hear him say, "C'mere" before his arms are around me. His hands press themselves into me, holding me tighter than I can ever remember. He's so strong, the one source of security, the only stability I have in this violent unpredictable world. Yet he's also gentle and kind, his hands caressing my hair, my back, whispering comforting nonsense in my ear. He's such a contrast of power and grace. I'd almost forgotten that. But it all comes rushing back the moment his arms around me. Here with him nothing else matters. I'm safe. I'm home.
---------------------------
I rush toward her, whispering an almost silent, "C'mere," beckoning her to me, needing to hold her in my arms until all her tears have dried and all my fears are gone. So much of my life is filled with confusion. I don't know what to do or say anymore. I feel awkward and ungainly like a teenager, all limbs, unable to coordinate even the simplest of actions. But in the midst of all my doubts I do have this, the one thing I know to be unequivocal. I can be here for her.
Why I haven't done this for her until now I'll never know. I was so lost when she came back. Or more exactly I finally found myself again but I'd been lost for so long that I didn't know who I was anymore. How could I have forgotten? The way she said my name as I walked toward her said it all. This is who I am. This is what I do. This is where I belong.
------------------------------
I'm not sure how long I'm in his arms but when I move my head against his right shoulder I can feel something under his clothes. It's bulky and crinkles. I'm confused for a moment but then I remember and I quickly pull away.
"Vaughn, your shoulder! I'm so sorry. Why didn't you say something?"
"Syd, it's okay. It's not that bad. See?"
He moves his arm around to demonstrate, trying and failing to hide a slight wince as he does so.
"Still, I'm sorry. For that and..."
My voice catches in my throat. He's just looking at me like he always does and maybe that's the problem. Even the way he listens renders me speechless. Again I'm overwhelmed by the thought of all I almost lost. Because of a single stupid thoughtless mistake.
-------------------------------
Her voice trails off and I know exactly what she's thinking. I hate it when she does this. How can she blame herself? How can she think that I would?
"Sydney, stop. You don't need to apologize."
"But Vaughn..."
"Weiss told me everything. There's no way that you could have known."
"But I should have. His brother was murdered by the Covenant while I was working as an assassin for them. I can't believe I didn't make the connection."
"It's not as if you were the only person working for them."
"Still, I didn't have to tell him. I should have at least held back on telling him that I'm Julia Thorne. I don't even know why I did it. I guess I just hoped that by helping him to understand that I hated the Covenant as much as he did that he'd be willing to help me."
I hate watching her struggle with this. Even now, even though she basically knows what happened during the last two years she's still terrified of what she might not know, who she was and who she is. She may have her doubts but I don't. She's Sydney. She'll always be Sydney to me. If only I could convince her of that.
"What's wrong with that?"
"What's wrong? I almost got all of us killed."
"But that wasn't your intention."
"Do you honestly think that that matters?"
"Yes."
-------------------------------
I'm startled by the conviction he manages to infuse into that one syllable. Where he was listening patiently and speaking evenly before now he's much more forceful and intense. He's even taken a step toward me and not once have his eyes left mine. I don't know how to respond. But then his face softens and he shakes his head.
"Syd, this life, what we do, it makes it easy to think that the end result is all that matters when in facts it's our methods that make us who we are."
"Then what does that make me? I killed Ryan's brother and who knows how many other people for the Covenant."
"Not for the Covenant. To save yourself. To stop them."
"Something tells me that Ryan wouldn't agree with you?"
"What do I care if a man that was willing to murder 200 innocent people to kill one in an act of revenge doesn't agree with me? I don't give a damn about him. Or his brother, who was not an innocent victim in any sense of either word. All I care about is you. And you have to stop this."
"I wish I knew how. I wish I didn't care so much but I do. I can't help it. I don't know why."
"I'm not asking you to stop caring. I just want you to realize that it's okay to care. It's okay to be emotional and make mistakes. Because the alternative... Don't confuse cynicism with strength. It's easy to shut down, push everything and everyone away. It's much harder to do what we do without going numb. It's a part of who you are that I admire the most."
"Seriously? I mean, look at me. Falling apart in the parking garage. I couldn't even make it home. Some spy I am."
"Syd, after everything you've been through it's perfectly understandable."
"But I'm not the only one. What about my dad? Or Dixon? Or you? You're all fine."
"No. We're not. We're burying ourselves in work so that we don't have to think about it. But that doesn't mean we aren't affected. When your dad gets home you and I both know that he's going to have a good strong drink or two. And Dixon's going to hug his kids harder than he has in a long time. And Marshall is going to hold Mitchell until his arms go numb. We all cope in our own ways."
"And what are you going to do?"
"Me? I'm going to go home, take one of those pain pills the French medic was so kind to give me, and sleep until my body remembers what time zone it's in."
"Oh, Vaughn. I didn't even think about that. You must be exhausted. What are you even doing here? I'm sure Dixon would've let you go home and rest before coming in to make your report."
-----------------------------
I look at her looking at me. She honestly cannot understand why I'm here. It hurts. Doesn't she know how much I needed to see her? How scared I was? I want to tell her, let her know that even as tired as I was I didn't sleep for a single second on the flight home because I was too worried about her. That I don't want to wait until it's too late before we do something about this situation. That I spent what I believed to be the last seconds of my life thinking about her. I want to say all that and more but I can't. The only answers that comes to my lips is:
"I just needed to come here first."
-----------------------------
The words are simple, innocent, and yet his eyes and his tone reveal so much more that that. At least I think they do. Before I would have been certain but now there's simply too much between us for me to be sure.
-----------------------------
Her eyes light up the second I finish speaking but only for a moment. Then I can see the clouds of doubt begin to gather. It pains me to know that she doesn't know how much I care about her anymore. That trust that seemed to come so easily before is gone. I've tried to rebuild it. I've tried to tell her but I don't know how anymore. I don't' know how to do anything. I need to think of something, anything I can do to let her know that I never once stopped caring about her. But it's all I can do to nod and hope that she understands that I mean every word I'm unable to say.
------------------------------
How can he clear away all my doubts with a single look and a simple nod? His eyes, always so expressive, tell me everything I could ever want to know. He needed to see me just as much as I needed to see him. He wasn't holding on as tight as he was just for my benefit. He has regrets, words he wants to say, feelings he needs to express. But he can't.
Maybe he's right. Maybe intentions do matter. Because even though I don't know why he can't just knowing that he wants to is enough for now. Perhaps I'd be better off if I didn't feel that way because then I could move on with my life instead of waiting for things between us to change. But that hug and the way he's looking at me is enough to convince me that we're not over yet. There's still hope.
-------------------------------
She smiles slightly as she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and I start to breathe again. She understands. Of course she does. She always has. And she hasn't let go. I return the smile and she hugs me quickly before excusing herself to go home. Watching her drive off I feel better than I have in weeks, months, years. It's going to be okay. We're going to make it through this. Time hasn't run out on us quite yet.
THE END